Ryan the Angry Midget and Friends

Why Tim Tebow Makes Me Uncomfortable

2012-01-13T14:43:00.003-06:00

First, let me make one thing clear: this has nothing to do with any commentary on Tebow as a football player. In that respect, it has a lot in common with 97% of every thing written about Tebow. I'm not even going to take any cheap shots at Tebow the football player. I truly hope the Donkeys start him in every game for the next 8 years. They should totally do that. He is clearly an excellent NFL QB. There is absolutely no one better than him to fill that role. And, just to be clear, read those sentences again: if you read in sarcasm, that says something about you, not me, because I wrote them straight.

No, this is a screed about Tebow The Evangelical Christian. And, unlike many other screeds on this topic, this is written by an actual Christian. And, as a Christian, I want you to know: Tebow makes me uncomfortable.

This is largely for a single reason: I was always taught that the relationship between a person and his or her god is highly personal and private. You could get together once a week to commune (literally and figuratively) with God in the company of some like-minded individuals. But otherwise, you just didn't speak about it alot. Polite people didn't do that. Ever. Religion fit up there with money as subjects that you just didn't raise.

Now, in this Bachmann era, where wearing ones religion on one's sleeve is not only accepted but well nigh required, some might perceive my belief as quaint and old-fashioned. But the reality is that the current "being Christian for gain and profit" movement only underlines the importance of actual adherence to this old tradition. Whomever you are, your merits should be weighed on their merits (so to speak) rather than based on whether we both subscribe to the same flavor of Judeo-Christianity (look, if you come from a wholly different school, like Hinduism or Rastafarianism, you're screwed in this country. I'm not gonna lie to you).

Thus, every time Tebow Te-bows, to kinda-privately, kinda-look-at-me-ishily commune with his very specific variety of God, I shudder a bit. The same way I would if he pulled down his pants and took a dump. Some things are just not for public display. (Unless you're Japanese, apparently.).

By the way....

2012-01-09T08:33:00.001-06:00

As you can tell, I've not posted anything political in quite some time. Frankly, I'm fed up. The Occupy protests only succeeded in one thing: Causing the 1% to push through updates to the NDAA that allow 'indefinite detention' to Americans who are deemed 'terrorists'. And Obama signed it. He snuck it through on New Year's Eve, when he thought no one was paying attention. And we just now got out of Iraq (technically). And Guantanamo is still open. And he extended the Bush tax cuts to the rich. He's been more of a Republican than Dubya was. Granted, he got that Healthcare thing passed (in a completely butchered and gimped form, and wasted all of his political capital to do it), and repealed Don't Ask Don't Tell, but neither of those affect the average citizen. If he signs SOPA, I hope the Founding Fathers pop out of their coffins and feed on the brains of all three branches of government.

I haven't posted anything political because I'm disillusioned, but that doesn't mean I'm not paying attention.

Yet another Battlefield 3 video (this time, from the Xbox)

2012-01-09T08:12:00.000-06:00

If you're not playing Battlefield 3 ... what's your excuse?

The footage is from the Xbox, and all taken from one evening of play.

The wonderful Lady Bling (not her real name) got me a Hauppage HD PVR for Christmas. It was easy to set up, and works just like advertised. Then I bought Adobe Premiere Elements 10 and have been learning how to use it. It's not as full-featured as the more expensive editing programs, but it's a hell of a lot better than the free ones I'd been messing around with.

I hope your New Year has started off well. Now, go use one of those giftcards your grandma gave you for Xmas and get Battlefield 3 for the Xbox, and hop on with us some night. I'll make you famous!

P.S. Blogger.com has changed their interface, and you can't just paste embed code into the blog anymore. That's why the video is smaller than the ones I'd posted previously. Click the name of the video in the upper left hand corner to view it in all its teabagging glory.

Lord Bling's Top Ten Games of 2011

2011-12-22T02:06:00.001-06:00

This has been an interesting year for video games. Some titles that I'd feverishly anticipated ended up disappointing. Some I thought would suck ended up impressing. And a couple weren't very good at launch, but improved with patches. While many on the list may not be in my rotation a year from now, I'd put this year's top 3 up against the top 3 from any other year. But enough setup ... let's get into it:

10. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3. MW2 was my #1 two years ago, and Black Ops was #3 last year. My, how the mighty hath fallen. Considering over half of Infinity Ward left the company (and it took four other dev teams to help finish it), it's practically a surprise that it ended up on my list at all. But I have to say, the campaign tied up the plot threads fairly well (even if the gameplay is just Michael Bay on speed). CoD Elite was a failure for weeks after launch, but the free version is actually pretty robust. As for the multiplayer .... I'm severely disappointed. Over the years, they've turned a solid fast-paced tactical shooter into Quake. All of the maps are tight, run-and-gun close-corridor death traps. This makes sniper rifles mostly worthless, and they had to nerf the range on the shotguns (or else that's all anyone would use, because you're rarely looking further than 15 feet ahead before you hit a barrier of some kind). Kill Confirmed is a fun new game play mode, but the concept was stolen directly from Crysis 2 earlier this year. All of these things aside, it's still as polished as any shooter you'll ever find, and it's still the top-selling game of this year so they're doing something right. I just don't consider myself much of a fan of the franchise anymore.

9. Crysis 2. When I bought this game, I expected a gorgeous sci-fi shooter. That's what I got. But I didn't expect to enjoy the single-player campaign as much as I did. I even got some time into the multiplayer. Well, I did when EA's servers let me. The MP was pretty much broken at launch, and when you could get into a game, the client-side hit detection was completely lop-sided. Subsequent patches have improved it, but it's not a great experience. Maximum Armor is a waste, and the unlock progression is a very slow grind. Still, the campaign is worth the price of admission. The pacing is almost perfect, and the set pieces are amazing.

8. Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception. Speaking of set pieces, here's a franchise that lives and breathes them. No matter where Nathan Drake is in the world, expect everything to go tits-up and you'll be racing to escape a crashing airplane, a sinking ocean liner, etc. They also included some multi-segmented MP maps, which felt different from everything else I've played this year. So why isn't the game higher on this list? Part 2 was #2 in 2009. Unfortunately, this one doesn't live up to the gold standard of that game. The campaign's story and dialogue aren't nearly as sharp, and weakly ties the set pieces together. The aiming and shooting mechanic was tweaked, and now it felt a lot sloppier (Naughty Dog has since patched this, but I haven't replayed any of the campaign since). Worst of all, I wasn't really rooting for Nathan in this one. His motivation is largely selfish and stupid. But wow, those set pieces.

7. Assassin's Creed: Revelations. A franchise that has steadily improved over the last two iterations finally runs out of gameplay innovations. AC2 perfected the exploration, tightened the combat, and deepened the story. AC: Brotherhood added assassin's guild trainees you could call on to assist you, had a whiz-bang of a cliffhanger ending, and created a one-of-a-kind multiplayer experience. I guess after the last two games, I was expecting another round of miracles. Instead, we got a hookblade and ziplines, and a Den Defense mini-game (which is like a really bad and unbalanced version of Plants vs. Zombies). The story ties a lot of threads together, but is still weaker. The setting (Constantinople) isn't nearly as compelling or varied as Rome. MP is improved and deepened, but still has a very high learning curve (and upper-level players have strong perks unlocked which throw off the balance). But the game was improved so much up to this point that it still is a lot of fun to play, and free running in a Renaissance setting still hasn't gotten old. But Ubisoft, please: For the next one? No more Den Defense.

6. Gears of War 3. Serious improvements all around here. Four-player co-op (which the series has begged for since the beginning). Dedicated servers for multiplayer (no more Host Shotgun rampages!). An improved story that ties up many loose ends (although I could've done without the entire 4th chapter .... sorry Ice-T). And the new bad-guy version of Horde mode (called Beast) is fun. Being a Berserker and smashing through people got a lot of laughs out of me. I haven't played it in a while, as the overuse of shotguns is still annoying, but I feel like I got my money's worth already.

5. Jetpack Joyride. An iOS game in my top five. Yes, I did. Don't look at me like that! Have you played it? If so, you wouldn't judge. I've put over 20 hours into this stupid little 99 cent game. I say 'stupid' because it's extremely simple. One-tap gameplay, and that's it. But somehow I can't quell the desire to get a better score (or more coins). It's perfect for mobile gaming. Tiny bite-sized experiences, with that 'one more quick one' that keeps pulling you back. If you have an iPhone, you need to download it. If you don't find yourself as hooked as I was, you're only out 99 cents.

4. Dead Island. Hands down, this is the biggest surprise on my list. It's buggy, the combat feels unpolished, and a couple of the boss battles were uninspired. But I'll be damned if I didn't put about 30 hours into it. In a first-person RPG, the right atmosphere means everything. This game brings it. I felt like I was really on this island, struggling to survive and help those who were less fortunate. There's no humor or tongue-in-cheek references; it's a bleak affair, right up into the final cutscene. The co-op could use a little improving (it's no Borderlands), but it was playable and held some promise. I hope we see a sequel of some kind, and that they have enough time to give it more polish.

3. Portal 2. Expectations can be a bitch. When The Orange Box was released, Portal was the sleeper hit of the year, and for good reason. The first-person puzzle gameplay was one-of-a-kind, and the writing was whip-smart and laugh-out-loud funny. It not only told a compelling story, but did so in about two hours. So here comes a sequel, which is around six to eight hours long, and adds a meaty 2-player co-op mode. And people still flooded Metacritic user reviews to complain. "It's too short! It's not worth $60!" Wrong wrong wrong wrong WRONG. They added to an already deep and rich universe, with new gameplay mechanics that somehow don't break what had been established previously. That alone is worth celebrating. And then there's Wheatley, the best character in a video game in a long damned time. I had very high expectations for this game, and it met every single one of them.

2. Battlefield 3. Let's get it out of the way right at the start: This game was never going to out-sell Call of Duty. Why? Because A) the gameplay isn't simple enough to appeal to the masses, and B) those of us who play EA shooters online know their servers will be trashed at launch. They even ran a beta which they claimed was meant to be a server stress test. And sure enough, this game was unplayable on Xbox on Day 1. It's a good thing I also bought it on PC! That's right, I gave EA over $100 for this game. And I have zero regrets. Yeah, the campaign is a Call of Duty knock-off, but by the time the last two levels were over, I found myself with a slight appreciation for the way the story was handled. The co-op grind to unlock weapons? Not cool. But the multiplayer. The sweet, sweet multiplayer. The only thing I miss from Bad Company 2 is the buildings you can bring down, killing everyone inside. But this was meant to be a full sequel to Battlefield 2, not the Bad Company games. I will be playing this game long into 2012. In fact, I could sell all of my other games and not miss them this year. Well, all but one....

1. The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. This is the most immersive video game I have ever played. It should come with a warning label: "May cause a lack of sleep, decreased interest in bathing and eating, and a marked decline in contact with the outside world." It's not a game you pick up and play for 30 minutes or an hour. It's a game that becomes the world you live in, and the real world becomes a nuisance that is keeping you from Skyrim. Shortly after it launched, I had a conversation with a coworker that I ended like this: "What did I do last night? Oh, nothing much, just KILLED A DRAGON BY SHOUTING AT IT." How does anything in real life compete with that?

I haven't had the time lately to play the game like I want to, so I have been avoiding it. Maybe part of me is even scared of it. The world is just too big, and there is too much to explore and see and do and loot. It's daunting. The developers say there is up to 300 hours of content in the game. Three HUNDRED. I put about 100 hours into Fallout 3, and I put about 130 into Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. Those were two of my favorite games of this generation. And yet, at this time next year, I will probably have both of those combined on this, and I still won't see everything the game has to offer.

It's not flawless, but no game of this size and scope is. However, the drawbacks are so small in comparison to what you get. In fact, at the moment I can only think of one real negative: I'm not playing it right now.

Honorable Mention (in alphabetical order):

-- Batman: Arkham City. This could've ended up on my top ten, but didn't for one main reason: It didn't really add anything to the original besides a bigger environment. Still a solid game though, and has polish to spare.
-- Brink. I bought this game on sale, even after reading some rough reviews. I wanted to like it, but the maps were lackluster, and the feel of the weapons was off (recoil was terrible). Then later in the year, Steam had it on sale for $5 on PC. I bought it, and then realized they'd patched it. The weapons now feel much better, and the new maps are pretty solid. Worth a look if you find it cheap; just don't expect a good single-player experience.
-- L.A. Noire. I have a love / hate relationship with this game. I really had to slog through the last few hours of this game, but when it was over, I was glad I'd played through it. Part of what I didn't like was the lead character was unsympathetic, but looking back, I have to admit that he was compelling all the same. And the motion-capture? Ground-breaking.
-- Renegade Ops. A fun throw-back to the 80's drive-and-shoot arcade games. Four-player co-op online is a blast. It's not a deep game, but it's only $15. (Full disclosure: I work for the publisher that released this.)
-- Saints Row: The Third. I just got this game about a week ago, so perhaps it would've ended up higher on the list had I had more time with it. But after about 90 minutes or so, I'm already enjoying it more than the first two. It's completely over-the-top and zany, and it knows it and has fun with it. I mean, they start you off with a purple dildo baseball bat. I stand corrected; THIS is my Game of the Year! Okay, maybe not, but I gotta give 'em credit for going the insane route.

Biggest Disappointments (in alphabetical order):

-- Dead Space 2. The first game was a great survival horror experience. Then we get this, which is 99% action and almost no suspense. They also took away most of the ammo, so you're forced to use kinesis to throw objects at bad guys when you get cornered. And you will get cornered a lot. Plus, the story was a huge step down from the first. And then there's the unnecessary multiplayer. Some liked this game, but I miss the suspense and pacing of the original.
-- Rage. What a beautiful game. What boring gameplay. It could've been Doom meets Fallout, but instead ended up being a bunch of lame fetch-and-carry missions. It launched two months ago and is already below $20. I'm sure id Software will have plenty of success with the engine, but that doesn't get me my $60 back.
-- Test Drive Unlimited 2. The original was an innovative overachiever, streaming the entire island of Oahu for you to drive on. It also was the first racing game I can remember that had on-the-fly, drop-in / drop-out multiplayer. I put over 40 hours into it. But the sequel fails to improve upon the original in any way. The voice acting is laughable, and the character models are PS1-quality.

Well, that's it for the top ten lists for 2011. Have a great holiday break, and we'll see you again in the year where it all ends.

Lord Bling's Top Ten Albums of 2011

2011-12-21T21:12:00.000-06:00

It was a very good year for metal, but the top spot came from out of nowhere.

10. Scale the Summit -- The Collective. Instrumetal. I hate the word, but that's exactly what it is. I really liked their debut, but this one feels like it will stay with me longer. And the production? Top-notch. Favorite Track -- Whales

9. Mastodon -- The Hunter. Their last album made the top of my list in 2009. Perhaps it was a bit pretentious, but they had never been more ambitious. When it worked, it really worked. So it was impossible not to compare their new album to it. It's more of a step backward in scope, and more inconsistent. But it's still got some great jams on it. Favorite Track -- Stargasm

8. Crowbar -- Sever the Wicked Hand. Their first album in six years also happens to be one of their best. No experimental song structures or covers, just a really good sludgy hard rock album. Favorite Track -- Liquid Sky and Black Earth

7. Animals as Leaders -- Weightless. More instrumetal! I've written about Tosin Abasi twice on this site in the last year, and for good reason. He's the most talented guitar player in metal today. And that probably makes him the most talented guitar player on the planet. This record isn't as shreddy as his debut, but it's probably more tasteful and inspired. Years from now, I'll still reach for his debut first, but this one deserves to follow it. Favorite Track -- Isolated Incidents

6. Opeth -- Heritage. The two-decade long transformation from death metal to prog-rock is now complete. Gone are the growling vocals. Gone are the 15-minute long songs. Stripped down, jazzy, and something your parents might actually like. And that's not meant to be an insult. Having said that, I still miss the Watershed / Ghost Reveries style of prog-death, but Akerfeldt's talent and craftsmanship cannot be denied. Favorite Track -- I Feel the Dark

5. Anthrax -- Worship Music. Finally, a true follow-up to Persistence of Time. I like John Bush's voice, and I like some of the songs they wrote with him, but it just didn't feel like "Anthrax". Now with Joey Belladonna back for the long haul, they sound re-energized. A couple of riffs may sound recycled from older stuff ('Fight 'Em Till You Can't' is an awful lot like 'Gridlock'), but no matter. Of the Big Four, they're the band that's still writing and recording the strongest material. Favorite Track -- The Devil You Know

4. Amon Amarth -- Surtur Rising. This band has perfected their sound, no doubt. With Odin On Our Side was the beginning of their ascent (and still my favorite of theirs), but this one is a close second. I think the songwriting is tighter than their last one too. And on top of all of that, they even stepped out and wrote a song that wasn't about Norse mythology. Favorite Track -- Slaves of Fear

3. Decapitated -- Carnival is Forever. This Polish death band was starting to climb the ranks a while back, but then their insanely-talented drummer (and brother of the guitarist and chief songwriter) Vitek died in a bus accident. They disbanded for a couple of years, but then Vogg decided they needed to continue, since it's what his brother would've wanted. It's also what the fans wanted, and they deliver their most focused album yet. Favorite Track -- Homo Sum

2. TesseracT -- One. A good vocalist can make or break a band. This is true in most genres, but not quite as much in metal .... until now. This album defies so many metal rules, and gets away with it. The vocalist could probably go on American Idol and make the finals. There isn't a single guitar solo on the entire album. The lyrics aren't about death or evil demons. But it's all about the hooks, and this album is full of them. Think of what Meshuggah would sound like if Jeff Buckley were their vocalist. It shouldn't work, but oh does it ever. It's just too bad that they now have a new vocalist. Favorite Track -- Concealing Fate Pt 1: Acceptance

1. Anathema -- We're Here Because We're Here. Buy this album. Find a quiet corner where you will be undisturbed for an hour. Put on a good pair of headphones. Listen.

Released in the UK last year, it finally saw an official release here in the U.S. last April. While they started in the early 90s as a doom metal band, they no longer feel bound to any specific genre. If Pink Floyd were raised on trip-hop and prog-rock, this is what it would sound like. The lyrics are as hopeful as any album I've ever owned. It is beauty stacked on top of beauty.

A great work of art can change the way you look at the world. When I play this album, I feel that there might still be hope for the human race.
Favorite Track -- Thin Air

P.S. -- With all the metal on the list this year, you might be wondering where the new Devin Townsend Project album is. The readers on Metalsucks.net voted it the best metal album of the year, but I found it to be overproduced and lacking. It pains me to say it, as someone who absolutely loves Devy's work.
P.P.S -- I also didn't include the new Cynic EP because well ... it's not a full album. But if you've followed them over the years as I have, you have no excuse for not buying it.

Lord Bling's Top Movies of 2011

2011-12-21T13:21:00.006-06:00

I added up the films I saw this year: 41. Pathetic. I count 57 from 2010 (although a few were seen this year). Considering I used to see around 100, that's pretty weak. Granted, it was my job to watch movies for quite some time, but still. I don't feel like a true Top Ten list will be justifiable, since there's so much I haven't seen yet. But of what I have seen, here are my favorites (in alphabetical order):

50/50. A perfect blend of comedy and drama.

Bridesmaids. A female 40 Year Old Virgin? It's close. The pacing is a little off at times and it feels long, but its heart is in the right place and there are plenty of laughs.

Captain America. Almost as good as the first Iron Man movie. Almost. It has me really excited for the Avengers movie, so I'm sure it'll probably suck.

Crazy Stupid Love. Above-average script (even if the final reel is a little groan-worthy). However, good casting makes all the difference.

Hobo with a Shotgun. A wonderful homage to the 80s action-gore genre. Feels like the best Troma film ever made.

Horrible Bosses. One of the better raunchy comedies in some time. It knows what it is, and it isn't afraid to be just that. Charlie Day is flawless.

The Killer Elite. This one surprised me. The trailers made it look like another dumb Statham vehicle, but Deniro and Owen are well cast and believable. Similar to The Bank Job, in that it has a lot more going on in it than you'd think.

Melancholia. One of Lars von Trier's most mature works. If you don't know who he is, you probably won't like this movie. I didn't give a shit about the characters, but I was still drawn into the story.

Moneyball. The Social Sports Network? Same screenwriter, and same arms-length handling of the characters. An appreciation for baseball will help.

The Tree of Life. Terrance Malick makes a movie about every decade. If you're not a fan of his, you'll think this film has a similar run time. Consider yourself warned.

Picking one out of the bunch, I'd say 50/50 was the best. However, each of them are films I could see myself watching a second time.

Other films from this year that I enjoyed (i.e. "Honorable Mentions"):

Drive
The Ides of March
Limitless
Paul
Our Idiot Brother
Source Code

Something all of those have in common? Good rentals, but not enough in them to warrant a repeat view.

Music and Video Game lists coming soon.....

GTFO 2011

2011-12-18T09:59:00.003-06:00

Fuck you, 2011. You're the year I lost the last bit of faith I had in our government, you made a Bible-thumper the quarterback of my favorite team, and you took away the best pet I've ever known. I'm about to leave you for that hot chick, 2012. She might be super-hot if the Mayans were right, but we won't know until a year from now.

Speaking of 'super', I made a new Battlefield 3 video last night. I think it's super, thanks for asking!

I'm technically on vacation next week, but in between replying to ad-hoc work e-mails, prepping the house for the holidays, and Skyrim, I'll be writing up my year-end Top Ten lists. They'll be posted before Christmas this year, lucky you!

Review -- Saints and Sinners Tour (Dallas, TX -- 11/18/11)

2011-11-21T14:56:00.010-06:00

Last Friday, I went to a metal concert featuring two up-and-coming openers, and an increasingly-popular headliner.

The venue was the House of Blues. It's my favorite place to see live music in Dallas. It's still fairly new, and in perfect shape. It's indoors, so no Texas hot weather shenanigans. And then there's the sound: It was built for live music, and has never been disappointing.

The first band to play was TesseracT. I've tweeted about them quite a bit, and their album 'One' may be high in my Top Ten at the end of the year. The simplest way to summarize their sound is if Jeff Buckley sang for Meshuggah. At least, that's how I felt about them before their vocalist on the album (Dan) left the band about three months ago. Apparently his priorities in life have changed. Uh, yeah, whatevers. The new singer (Elliot)? He's okay, but has nowhere near the range or power of his predecessor. Judge for yourself with these two videos. The first is from a live performance earlier in the year, and the second is something I taped from the show.

With Dan:

With Elliot:

Fans of the band have been split, but if you listen to Elliot and think he's as good of a singer as Dan, you're tone-deaf. Otherwise though, the band was very tight.

Then came Animals as Leaders:

Perhaps you remember my post from earlier this year, stating how Tosin Abasi is the Chuck Norris of guitars. Well, he got on stage and gave a roundhouse kick to the brains of every person in the venue. He is a virtuoso in every sense of the word. But don't just take my word for it:

I just wish the venue would've had a spotlight on him, so we could better see his pyrotechnics. But no matter. Their merch booth was swarming with business after their set. I'd hoped to track Abasi down afterward (to get a picture and shake his hand) but my friend that went with me to the show said, "I bet he's in the back room icing his hands down." No doubt.

Finally, there was Between the Buried and Me:

While I was never much into their first few albums, they have really grown on me in the past couple of years. They've started to show a more mature direction in their songwriting, yet still allow themselves to run wild with their influences. At times they sound like Faith No More, Rush, and Opeth hanging out at a carnival together. Everyone in the band has chops to spare, and it almost feels like normal song structure bores them. But somehow it all manages to stick together, especially on their last two albums (Colors and The Great Misdirect). If I had one complaint, it's the lack of vocal variety in the growls. However, he enunciates well, and in a live setting, it's appreciated.

This was the third time I've seen them live, and I think this was the tightest set yet. They looked comfortable in the headlining slot, and for good reason. They've gathered quite a loyal and growing fanbase, and all the touring in the past decade is really starting to pay dividends. I hope they stay as active as they've been recently, both in the studio and on the road.

Overall concert review? I'd give it an A-minus. Tesseract's new vocalist was a little disappointing, and more light on stage for Animals as Leaders would've been appreciated. However, it was easily worth the full ticket price.

25 Things I Learned While Traveling In Italy

2011-10-27T15:29:00.012-05:00

Last week, Lady Bling (not her real name) and I arrived at our 10th anniversary of non-wedded bliss. To celebrate, we decided to do something we'd never done before: Travel overseas. We chose Rome as a place that interested both of us, and with about six weeks of lead time, I set up a week-long trip through a travel agent. It was a great vacation, and I'm glad we went. However, there are some things I learned that would've been helpful to know before we left. I'd like to share them with you, in case you ever go to Rome, or Europe in general. Or perhaps you've already been, and can relate. Either way, I'll be keeping many of these things in mind the next time I travel abroad:

1. If you’re going to a foreign country, buy a Rick Steves guide book. Use his suggestions for sites to visit, restaurants, etc. However, don’t follow his hand-drawn maps. Any hotel will have a free street-accurate one you can fold up and stick in your pocket. And trust me, you WILL need it.

2. If you can afford to, fly Business Class or First Class. On a 9 or 10 hour flight, the additional pampering and leg room will be appreciated. If you can’t do it both ways, at least do it on the way over, so you have a better chance to sleep.

3. If your travel agent recommends you stay at the Hotel Anglo Americano while in Rome, get a different travel agent. We were booking on short notice, so we took what we could get. Having said that, calling it a 3-star hotel is being awfully generous. I’ve slept in gutters that were more comfortable.

4. Hearing German spoken on the Lufthansa flights and at the connecting Frankfurt airport brought me back to the years I studied it. I actually started speaking it here and there too, which freaked out my better half on more than one occasion. However, I kept the goose-stepping to a minimum.

5. If you’re going to spend time at an outdoor monument like the Colosseum or Palatine Hill, do it earlier in your trip. If it rains, they close many of them all day (and usually the day after). We had an exclusive Colosseum tour scheduled on our last day, and didn’t get to do it.

6. Unless you’re only in town for a day or so, don’t do the ‘hop-on, hop-off’ bus tours. I thought we’d use it early in the trip to help familiarize ourselves with the city, but since we were there for almost a week, it wasn’t really necessary.

7. Do the Vatican tour last. Any other basilica you see in Rome will be a lot more impressive if you see them before St. Peter’s.

8. When you see a thousand masterpieces in a day, they start to blend together. Having said that, Michelangelo’s Pieta in person was just as amazing as I’d hoped. And he was 24 when he sculpted it. If you’re looking for a humbling experience, I highly recommend it.

9. Italians seem to speak with their hands less than Italian-Americans.

10. OMG, street vendors. They were on every corner, with their splat balls and scarves. I cursed their existence, until it rained one morning and I saw one outside the hotel entrance selling umbrellas. He had a big smile on his face, as if to say, “I gotcha.” And he did.

11. When in Rome, you can only say ‘When in Rome’ once before it’s no longer funny.

12. I’ve never seen so many Smart Cars in my life. And Fiat 500s, and Mini Coopers, and mopeds. The parking spaces in Rome are unbelievably small, and the roads are narrow, so it makes sense. I did see a few 5-series BMWs and a couple of Audi A7s, but minus a couple of crossovers, I didn’t see a single SUV.

13. Speaking of transportation: What Americans would consider a ‘near accident’, Italians consider normal driving. Bumper-to-bumper, and FAST. Our hotel was supposedly one hour from the airport. Our cabbie on the way back covered the distance in 25 minutes.

14. Last point about transportation: Whether you’re in a car or on foot, traffic lights are only a suggestion. Think Manhattan and you’re good.

15. Pickpockets and gypsies are supposedly rampant in Rome. I saw neither. Pulling out my hidden security wallet to pay for dinner always made me feel like an asshole.

16. Pizza in Italy doesn’t come pre-sliced. They hand you a butter knife, and what happens next is up to you.

17. A Piazza is a plaza, not a pizza.

18. MTV in Italy actually shows music videos. However, Jersey Shore was on one morning, and I felt like apologizing to everyone I met later that day.

19. Be prepared to hear ambulance sirens constantly. At first I thought there were a lot of people getting hurt, but then I decided there was one ambulance that just drove around the city all day, happily making its presence known.

20. The amount of graffiti in Naples was not nearly as disappointing as the amount of stray dogs running around. I was there for only an hour or so, but desperately wanted to start a rescue program.

21. Pompeii was a lot bigger than I’d imagined. It once housed around 20,000 people. We only got to see part of it in an over 2-hour tour.

22. I went to Pompeii expecting to see something that looked like an ancient Fallout 3, with ash and corpses everywhere. Instead, all I got was a couple of plaster molds and a bunch of old walls! Video games > real life

23. The older the American tourist was, the more likely they were to be rude to locals. I guess people get set in their ways, and don’t like to accept that things are different outside of this country.

24. McDonald's are WAY nicer in Italy than here. I was also impressed by the ability to substitute beer in your combo meal! As for the quality of their food, I’m happy to report: Crappy like everywhere else.

25. I probably shouldn’t have told the locals I’m from Texas. After hearing that, they gave me blank looks, and then started speaking a ... lot ... more ... slowly.

I took a few pictures. Okay, I took about 1,200 pictures (32GB memory card FTW). If you know me in real life, you may have already seen some of them on Facebook. If not, here are a few of my favorites:

Colosseum:

Dome of the Pantheon, from the inside:

Trevi Fountain:

Pompeii ruins, with Mt. Vesuvius lurking in the background:

Underneath the dome at St. Peter's Basilica:

Michelangelo's Pieta:

Seriously, he was 24 when he did that. When I was 24, I was running around Greeley masterfully hitting golf balls at houses and artistically pickling my internal organs.

Work work work

2011-10-05T07:44:00.002-05:00

I've been slammed with work lately, but with what little time I've had, I've been enjoying the new laptop. Especially, I've been enjoying recording gameplay footage and editing it together.

Here's one with nothing but sniper highlights.

And here's my masterpiece. My Mona Lisa, if you will.

Honestly? I got nothin' else to contribute. At the end of October, I'll have traveled to Rome on vacation, so I'll post some pics and video when I get back. Otherwise, yeah. Just traveling a lot for work and the occasional video game. Sorry my life isn't very entertaining right now.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

2011-09-05T16:50:00.002-05:00

With my work and travel schedule, I haven't had much time to game lately. I've hardly been on Xbox Live at all. But that's where the new laptop comes in handy. I love this thing. In fact, I decided to get the full version of FRAPS so I could record HD gameplay video. I set one of the side buttons on my mouse to turn the recording on and off. That way, I don't have to reach for the Record button, and it's not running all the time, filling up my hard drive with lots of ugly deaths and the occasional kill. When I think something cool is about to happen, I turn it on, capture it, then turn it off. In spite of a terrible kill-death ratio, I'd started racking up some decent knife kill footage. Then I thought, 'Why not use Windows Live Movie Maker to create a little compilation video, set to some death metal?'

This one is all knife, all the time:

I wish the X360 version had a video editing suite in-game like Black Ops. I've played that version a lot more, and am a lot better at it on that side. Still though, the game is amazingly fun either way. Can't wait until 10/25. Might even have to buy both versions.

It was worth the hassle.

2011-08-04T20:03:00.003-05:00

I love my new laptop. It was worth the hassle. Having a gaming rig in a 14'' setup is exactly what I wanted!

Here's me talking about some of its pros and cons, and trying to play Bad Company 2:

Team Fortress 2 runs great...

.... but can it run Crysis?

It's loaded up with tons of Steam games, just in time for Quakecon this weekend. I'm ready to get my nerd on.

If you hate taxes...

2011-08-02T08:00:00.004-05:00

Apologies in advance for the copypasta, but a friend on Facebook shared this and it was too good not to post here.

(Also, I finally received my laptop last week, and it's glorious. I'll shoot a couple of videos and post at some point.)

If you hate taxes, please do the following:

1. Do not use Medicare.

2. Do not use Social Security

3. Do not become a member of the US military, who are paid with tax dollars.

4. Do not ask the National Guard to help you after a disaster.

5. Do not call 911 when you get hurt.

6. Do not call the police to stop intruders in your home.

7. Do not summon the fire department to save your burning home.

8. Do not drive on any paved road, highway, and interstate or drive on any bridge.

9. Do not use public restrooms.

10. Do not send your kids to public schools.

11. Do not put your trash out for city garbage collectors.

12. Do not live in areas with clean air.

13. Do not drink clean water.

14. Do not visit National Parks.

15. Do not visit public museums, zoos, and monuments.

16. Do not eat or use FDA inspected food and medicines.

17. Do not bring your kids to public playgrounds.

18. Do not walk or run on sidewalks.

19. Do not use public recreational facilities such as basketball and tennis courts.

20. Do not seek shelter facilities or food in soup kitchens when you are homeless and hungry.

21. Do not apply for educational or job training assistance when you lose your job.

22. Do not apply for food stamps when you can’t feed your children.

23. Do not use the judiciary system for any reason.

24. Do not ask for an attorney when you are arrested and do not ask for one to be assigned to you by the court.

25. Do not apply for any Pell Grants.

26. Do not use cures that were discovered by labs using federal dollars.

27. Do not fly on federally regulated airplanes.

28. Do not use any product that can trace its development back to NASA.

29. Do not watch the weather provided by the National Weather Service.

30. Do not listen to severe weather warnings from the National Weather Service.

31. Do not listen to tsunami, hurricane, or earthquake alert systems.

32. Do not apply for federal housing.

33. Do not use the internet, which was developed by the military.

34. Do not swim in clean rivers.

35. Do not allow your child to eat school lunches or breakfasts.

36. Do not ask for FEMA assistance when everything you own gets wiped out by disaster.

37. Do not ask the military to defend your life and home in the event of a foreign invasion.

38. Do not use your cell phone or home telephone.

39. Do not buy firearms that wouldn’t have been developed without the support of the US Government and military. That includes most of them.

40. Do not eat USDA inspected produce and meat.

41. Do not apply for government grants to start your own business.

42. Do not apply to win a government contract.

43. Do not buy any vehicle that has been inspected by government safety agencies.

44. Do not buy any product that is protected from poisons, toxins, etc…by the Consumer Protection Agency.

45. Do not save your money in a bank that is FDIC insured.

46. Do not use Veterans benefits or military health care.

47. Do not use the G.I. Bill to go to college.

48. Do not apply for unemployment benefits.

49. Do not use any electricity from companies regulated by the Department of Energy.

50. Do not live in homes that are built to code.

51. Do not run for public office. Politicians are paid with taxpayer dollars.

52. Do not ask for help from the FBI, S.W.A.T, the bomb squad, Homeland Security, State troopers, etc…

53. Do not apply for any government job whatsoever as all state and federal employees are paid with tax dollars.

54. Do not use public libraries.

55. Do not use the US Postal Service.

56. Do not visit the National Archives.

57. Do not visit Presidential Libraries.

58. Do not use airports that are secured by the federal government.

59. Do not apply for loans from any bank that is FDIC insured.

60. Do not ask the government to help you clean up after a tornado.

61. Do not ask the Department of Agriculture to provide a subsidy to help you run your farm.

62. Do not take walks in National Forests.

63. Do not ask for taxpayer dollars for your oil company.

64. Do not ask the federal government to bail your company out during recessions.

65. Do not seek medical care from places that use federal dollars.

66. Do not use Medicaid.

67. Do not use WIC.

68. Do not use electricity generated by Hoover Dam.

69. Do not use electricity or any service provided by the Tennessee Valley Authority.

70. Do not ask the Army Corps of Engineers to rebuild levees when they break.

71. Do not let the Coast Guard save you from drowning when your boat capsizes at sea.

72. Do not ask the government to help evacuate you when all hell breaks loose in the country you are in.

73. Do not visit historic landmarks.

74. Do not visit fisheries.

75. Do not expect to see animals that are federally protected because of the Endangered Species List.

76. Do not expect plows to clear roads of snow and ice so your kids can go to school and so you can get to work.

77. Do not hunt or camp on federal land.

78. Do not work anywhere that has a safe workplace because of government regulations.

79. Do not use public transportation.

80. Do not drink water from public water fountains.

81. Do not whine when someone copies your work and sells it as their own. Government enforces copyright laws.

82. Do not expect to own your home, car, or boat. Government organizes and keeps all titles.

83. Do not expect convicted felons to remain off the streets.

84. Do not eat in restaurants that are regulated by food quality and safety standards.

85. Do not seek help from the US Embassy if you need assistance in a foreign nation.

86. Do not apply for a passport to travel outside of the United States.

87. Do not apply for a patent when you invent something.

88. Do not adopt a child through your local, state, or federal governments.

89. Do not use elevators that have been inspected by federal or state safety regulators.

90. Do not use any resource that was discovered by the USGS.

91. Do not ask for energy assistance from the government.

92. Do not move to any other developed nation, because the taxes are much higher.

93. Do not go to a beach that is kept clean by the state.

94. Do not use money printed by the US Treasury.

95. Do not complain when millions more illegal immigrants cross the border because there are no more border patrol agents.

96. Do not attend a state university.

97. Do not see any doctor that is licensed through the state.

98. Do not use any water from municipal water systems.

99. Do not complain when diseases and viruses, that were once fought around the globe by the US government and CDC, reach your house.

100. Do not work for any company that is required to pay its workers a livable wage, provide them sick days, vacation days, and benefits.

101. Do not expect to be able to vote on election days. Government provides voting booths, election day officials, and voting machines which are paid for with taxes.

102. Do not ride trains. The railroad was built with government financial assistance.

The fact is, we pay for the lifestyle we expect. Without taxes, America would be a third world country. The less we pay, the less we get in return. Americans pay less taxes today since 1958 and is ranked 32nd out of 34 of the top tax paying countries. Chile and Mexico are 33rd and 34th.

“I like to pay taxes. With them, I buy civilization.” ~Oliver Wendell Holmes

Dell's customer service is a JOKE

2011-07-21T16:54:00.010-05:00

I bought an Asus 14'' laptop last August, and have been pretty happy with it. It has great battery life, and is very lightweight. However, I made a mistake soon after I bought it: I installed Steam. My laptop wasn't made to run most of the games I found myself interested in, and so for the past few months, I've been pining for a gaming laptop. I bought a used Asus G51 on eBay in late May, but that turned out to be a scam, and I returned it (and eBay gave me my money back). In a way, I'm kinda glad things worked out that way, because it was a 15.6'' laptop, and I'm hoping for something a little smaller, but still with a ton of gaming horsepower. Enter the Alienware M14x:

After playing around with the build options on their website, I came close a couple of times, but couldn't quite commit. But then, something wonderful happened: My employers saw fit to give me a bonus. All of a sudden, my pining for the M14x turned into downright bloodlust. I found a deal that saved me almost $300 and got me some good upgrades (8GB of RAM, 900p screen, 3.0GB graphic card), and on June 26th, I pulled the trigger. I ordered a sexy 'Nebula Red' one, and with a sufficiently nerdy laser-engraved nameplate on the bottom:

Now all I had to do was wait. I signed up for the Quakecon BYOC and reserved a seat. And I occasionally checked the order status on Dell's website. The estimated delivery date was July 11, just like they'd estimated. Then it became July 20th. Okay, no big deal. Quakecon is August 5th. Then last week, it got delayed again to July 27th. A month after placing the order? Fuck that shit.

On July 15th, I called Dell, and after navigating the voice-activated robot, I got transferred to India. The tech said the delays were due to the M14x being their most popular model right now, but he reassured me twice that there would be no further delays. I asked if there was a specific part that was holding up the build, and if it was something minor, perhaps I could switch it out with something else. He said, 'No, there is no issue with any specific part. There has just been a larger-than-anticipated demand." However, he was assigning a case manager to look into the specifics of the build, and this person would contact me in '24 to 48 hours'. More than 48 hours passed, and I received no callback from anyone.

On July 18th, I called Dell again. I spoke to a different tech who said, "You shouldn't have been told 24 to 48 hours. It's actually 1 to 2 business days. You're on the schedule to receive a call tomorrow." Tomorrow came and went, with no contact. In fact, we're now on 4 business days and still no call (and I verified that they have my correct number).

That same day, I e-mailed their Customer Order Service desk with a detailed complaint (and included my case number and my order number). I threatened that if I don't receive my computer by 7/29, I was going to cancel the order, or ship it back and demand a refund. I've received no reply to my e-mail.

That night, I started checking the Alienware forums on NotebookReview.com. There's a shipping status thread where people compare notes about the build they ordered, the estimated delivery date, and how their overall experience has been. I found two people who ordered theirs two weeks after I did, and they both received them this week. One had a different video card, and the other had the same exact specs, except his was black instead of red. Now I'm really starting to get pissed off.

July 19th: I called Dell again. Spoke to a different tech, who responded to every question I asked with "Just a second," and then there was two or three minutes of silence. Finally, I said, "For my troubles, can you upgrade the shipping to Next Day?" He said, "Just a second," and then dead air for another two minutes, and then, "Yes, I can do that. You'll have Next Business Day shipping." That night, I checked the Order Status page on their site, and it still said "7-day shipping". Uh-oh.

July 20th: I called Dell yet again. Spoke to a different tech, and asked him, "Can you tell me the shipping on my order?" He said, "Yes, it's 7-day." After telling him about my call the day before, he said, "Our shipping tools were down yesterday, so it didn't post. But I'll make the change to the shipping now." Not satisfied, I said, "How long will it take to update on your site?" He said, "4 to 5 hours." To his credit, it updated in about an hour (thank you Sumit!). So, I now have free Next Business Day shipping, if and when they ever decide to ship the thing in the first place.

So, today is July 21st, and here I sit, still staring at an Order Status that says 'In Production.' It's a damn good thing this laptop is getting such good reviews, or I would've cancelled it by now. Granted, there aren't many options for gaming laptops in the 14'' size, but still, it shouldn't take a month to build a freaking laptop. However, I'd gladly wait a month if it meant never speaking to Dell's customer service again.

EDIT -- I saw someone on the forum who said his is shipping tomorrow (7/22). He ordered his a day after mine, so I figured maybe mine will be on the same timeline. I called to ask if I could get Saturday delivery, since I'm traveling next week. After about 15 minutes of back and forth, I was told it was going to be delayed again to an estimated 8/3 delivery. I flipped out and asked for his supervisor. She told me the delay is being caused by an incorrect SKU number for the wireless card, and the order needs to be replaced. They're giving me a 10% discount for my troubles, but if it doesn't show up by 8/3, I won't have it up and running in time for Quakecon, and I will cancel the order.

Fuck Dell.

EDIT #2 -- Just got an e-mail from Dell. It shipped today, and should be at my house tomorrow. That would make it a month and a day from my order date. Not great, but I can live with it. I'll post pics at some point soon.

Bad Answers to Unasked Questions

2011-06-26T15:27:00.007-05:00

A Primer for Sociopaths

In 1985, Alice M. Brock wrote "How to Massage Your Cat," a short illustrated book for people who hate cats or wish to lose the use of significant bodily appendages. Or both. Three days ago, I bought that book, because I make the kind of money that allows me to just buy books without thinking twice about it. Book money. There is literally around $23 in hard cash in my wallet at this very moment. And I didn't stop at an ATM or nothing---that's just how I roll. But the economy has been tough on many people who don't have my mad skillz, so I thought I would share the book with you so that you, too, can learn how to permanently damage your relationship with any cat you might ever meet. Sadly, I can't share the illustrations with you, because that would require effort on my part. Instead, I'll just share the text of the book, along with some cogent observations.

Right out of the box, the book lets you know how it's gonna be. The first sentence: "Arrange the cat nicely on a clean towel and press firmly into place." Yes, there is a drawing of a hand mashing a cat onto a table that has a towel on it. So, by page 2, you know: the author either has never met a cat in her entire life, or has a deep-seated hatred of felines, such that she hopes to create a zombie army of cat-torturing book buyers. If the author had ever so much as touched a cat, she would know that the next sentence needs to be "Find the cat, corner it, pick it up again, put it back on the towel and try again to press firmly into place." Except that, if those were the instructions, no reader would ever get beyond the first page. Wash, rinse, repeat.

After some advice on picking hairballs off your cat, the book continues with this wisdom: "Pinch lips shut and thrust fingers under ribcage. An audible intake of breath will signal proper respiration has begun." Yes, those are the cat's lips you're supposed to pinch shut. Here, Ms. Brock, let me fix that for you: "Pinch lips shut and thrust fingers under ribcage. An audible intake of breath, followed by a bloodcurdling scream will signal that the cat has sunk the entire length of its fangs into the back of your hand."

Sometimes, the book reads like a manual for silently assassinating politically important cats: "Place thumbs behind ears [the illustration makes it clear you are standing behind the cat] and lock fingers securely under chin. Raise cat 8 to 9 inches above table and shake energetically." Just so we're clear, take your hands, touch the tips of your thumbs together, and now interlace your fingers. Now picture a cat head with its chin resting on the top of your index fingers. Now imagine shaking the cat "energetically" while holding it up in the air in this position. This advice is followed by the comment "The cat should feel completely loosened. Allow cat to rest a minute." Yeah, dead animals DO go limp, Ms. Brock. You have a point there. And you probably should tell your children that Mr. Whiskers IS just "resting" on the table.

But now it's time for the real massage. Apparently working from the assumption that any massage a human would love, a cat would love too, Ms. Brock shows us a cat laying stomach down on a towel and advises us to "Being at the rear and work your way around the cat using a vigorous kneading motion, bunching it up and spreading it out." Yes, the latter part is accompanied by an illustration that looks like someone is trying to make a pizza cat. I would make a joke, but....why?

"Stand squarely in front of cat and grasp it by both ears. Press firmly back till you hear the click." Potential next sentences include:

"Your cat is now loaded and ready to fire."
"The click is the sound of the cat's canines scratching across the bone in your thumb."
"Toss the cat over the sofa, and duck and cover."

Up to this point, one potential explanation is that Ms. Brock owns what might be the most patient, or slow-moving, cat that history has ever known. But right about now is where the book takes a turn, including suggestions like "Grip the tail tightly and turn slowly counterclockwise." I'm not sure what the depth of thread IS on a cat, but be sure not to pull it all the way out. At least with a counterclockwise twist, you don't have to worry about over-tightening. You might want to use a torque gauge, because the guys at the factory tell me the tail is only rated to 35 footpounds.

Now, it's cool-down time, so "Gently flip cat over onto its back [stomach up] and direct a volley of rapid slaps to the midriff." The cat in the illustrations is always the same cat, which strikes me as unrealistic. I cannot imagine that Ms. Brock has ever seen the same cat twice, and the book offers no suggestions on how to drag the cat out from under a bed.

Once again, the end suggests that the author may know more than she is letting on: "At this point your cat should be entirely relaxed. Cover the face briefly with a tea towel to prolong calm. A well massaged cat may remain in this position for some time." I can add an epilogue: "And may begin to smell."

I wish I could somehow offer an explanation for all this. Like, that Alice M. Brock is somehow related to Simon Bond and is just trying to throw some business his way. The dust jacket flaps suggest that the book is a "hilarious spoof." I can tell you for absolute certain that sentence is at least 50% wrong. The same description ends by stating "Instructions accompany 27 strange and charming illustrations sure to inspire delight in anyone, be it feline friend or foe." I did the punctuation exactly as they had it: "feline friend or foe." Maybe better stated: "friend or feline foe." Plus, the book was for sale at a store in Chinatown. Draw your own conclusions.

My take on L.A. Noire

2011-06-01T09:24:00.003-05:00

I just posted my thoughts on L.A. Noire over at TL;DR. If you're interested in the game, feel free to have a look for yourself....

The Chuck Norris of guitars?

2011-05-30T16:44:00.005-05:00

I have a new favorite guitarist, and wanted to share in hopes that he'll be your new favorite guitarist too. His name is Tosin Abasi. I was introduced to his instrumental project recently, called 'Animals as Leaders'. Think Periphery, but instrumental and jazzier. In fact, Misha from Periphery helped out on the album, playing keyboards and programming the drums.

Here is Tosin, playing 'Song of Solomon' from the album. And before you ask, yes, that's an 8-string guitar.

Here is the official video for 'CAFO', also from the same album:

Someone on YouTube called him 'The Chuck Norris of music.' I don't know if I'd go THAT far, but the Chuck Norris of guitars? No question.

Animals as Leaders is on the road through July. However, his new project (titled T.R.A.M.) recently signed a deal with Sumerian Records, and hopefully the album will be released soon.

Your Honor, I present to you, Exhibit A:

2011-05-16T07:35:00.004-05:00

Pics from the 'Midge Got Him Some Booklearnin'' Party, also known as 'Illegal Omaha'.

Loitering, Public intoxication:

Cavorting with sexual predators. Seriously. This guy told us he had 4.7 Terrabytes of porn at home. Who else tells people those kinds of things? Men with beards, that's who:

Breaking and entering:

Making random oral sexual propositions:

The transference of head lice:

That last one might be a bit of a stretch, but no one knows what Furry party that Sonic hat has been to.

In all seriousness, it was a lot of fun. Midge, you should graduate more often.

The Midge got him some book learnin'

2011-05-03T13:00:00.008-05:00

This weekend, our very own Midge is getting his Doctorate's degree. I don't know how many professors he had to blow, or how much blow he had to sell to pay for school, but all I know is, it's happening. Some folks from this site will be convening upon Nebraska for this occasion:

CowboyLaw
The Miles
Lord Bling

And that's just who's confirmed. I'm sure there will be other surprise guests. No matter what, it's going to be one for the record books. Fortunately, the weather is looking like it will cooperate. The forecast for Saturday is partly cloudy, with a slight chance of loud noises:

In case you were wondering, there will be free parking:

Here is a sociologist's estimate of what Ryan's yard will look like on Sunday morning:

And here is a projected satellite view:

I'd like to say 'Actual pics coming soon', but it depends on your definition of 'soon'. Hopefully CowboyLaw can help us determine the proper statutes of limitations.

LOL @ The Oakland Raiders

2011-04-28T07:39:00.007-05:00

Some here are Denver Bronco fans. Others are Kansas City Chief fans. We argue constantly, although neither of our teams has won much in the last decade. However, there's one thing we all agree upon: The Oakland Raiders suck incredibly.

Yeah, they swept both of our teams this year, but even a broken clock is right twice a day. And what good did it do them? They finished 2010 with their best record since the Rich Gannon era: 8-8! Their 'Commitment to Excellence' only guaranteed they get a weaker draft pick than they're used to. Not like they ever did much with their draft picks anyway. So let's point and laugh at them:

Their fans dress up for every home game like it's Halloween. They think they're intimidating, but they really just look like unemployable dipshits.

Their owner is a walking corpse. That's not a joke either. Look at a recent picture (not Photoshopped ... source is here):

They call a part of their stadium 'The Black Hole', thinking it's a nod to outer space, but it's just another sucking reference. That, or it's a reference to what their average fan has seen while in jail.

And yet, it gets even better. Today, they've given us more ammunition: They just announced an official new name for their stadium: Overstock.com Coliseum. Because they're overstocked on tickets. And overstocked on closeout-quality athletes.

Overstock.com is soon re-branding themselves to 'O.co'. I can't wait for both the Broncos and Chiefs to go into their stadium this fall and show them their O-faces.

The Last Supper of Scientists

2011-04-26T09:46:00.002-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, your new wallpaper:

From L to R: Galileo Galilei, Marie Curie, J. Robert Oppenheimer, Isaac Newton, Louis Pasteur, Stephen Hawking, Albert Einstein, Carl Sagan, Thomas Edison, Aristoteles, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Richard Dawkins, Charles Darwin

Best Cry Ever

2011-03-25T11:09:00.002-05:00

I saw this video on Know Your Meme a few months ago, and laughed, felt bad for laughing, then laughed some more.

Then like most internet memes, I didn't think about it again. That is, until a couple of days ago, when a friend on Facebook posted this:

The English language cannot properly convey the joy this video brings me. I hope the people from that episode of Intervention can look at these videos and laugh too, but if not, well, I got mine!

P.S. Time for Full Disclosure: I was digging through the site archives, and noticed something. The amount of posts here has declined over the past year or two. It's to be expected, as The Midge and HCP were both finishing college, and CowboyLaw and I both were diving deep into our professions. But we've never gone more than a month without a post. I couldn't let March go by without throwing something up here.

Last minute Oscar picks

2011-02-27T09:09:00.004-06:00

I've been out of the film industry for a few years now, and every year I see fewer and fewer Oscar-nominated movies. I just remembered that the Oscars are tonight, and thought, 'Well, I've done picks on the blog every year ... may as well throw some darts at the ol' dartboard'. So here we go:

Best Picture -- 'The King's Speech'. It feels like Oscar bait, especially coming from the Weinsteins, who have received more than their fair share of Oscars. Who even remembers 'Shakespeare In Love', other than it robbed 'Saving Private Ryan' back in 1998?

Best Director -- Tom Hooper, 'The King's Speech'. He won the DGA, which usually translates into Oscar gold. Really rooting for Aronofsky though.

Best Actor -- Colin Firth, 'The King's Speech'. Again, it's an Oscar bait role. Period setting, and a speech impediment? Yeah. On top of that, his body of work is strong. If anything, he'll be winning because the Academy just now caught up to his stellar work in 'A Single Man'.

Best Actress -- Natalie Portman, 'Black Swan'. Body of work + woman of the hour = trophy.

Best Supporting Actor -- Christian Bale, 'The Fighter'. If he wins, I hope someone says, 'OHHHH, GOOD FOR YOU!'

Best Supporting Actress -- Hailee Steinfeld, 'True Grit'. There have been a good amount of younger winners in this category in the past, and I think AMPAS is ready to give it to a young girl again. However, if it's a King's Speech kind of night, Helena Bonham Carter will take it.

Best Original Screenplay -- 'The King's Speech'. Probably the biggest gimmie of the night. And it's the first award given out on the broadcast, so it'll set the stage for the rest of the evening. If it doesn't win, then a lot of my other picks are gonna be blown out of the water.

Best Adapted Screenplay -- 'The Social Network'. It'll be snubbed in most other categories, because it's too 'now' and most of the Academy voters barely even know what Facebook is. But it's hard to argue the quality of the writing.

Best Foreign Language Film -- 'Incendies'. I almost picked 'Dogtooth', because it's the only one that's streaming on Netflix, but then I remembered the average Academy voter. If they don't know what Facebook is, they sure as hell don't know how to stream movies online. 'Incendies' is about war, and those win a majority of the time here.

Animated Feature Film -- 'Toy Story 3'. Okay, I stand corrected: THIS is the biggest gimmie of the night.

Art Direction -- 'The King's Speech'. It's the only true period film nominated. 'True Grit' doesn't count because it's a Western.

Cinematography -- 'True Grit'. Roger Deakins is as due to win as anyone can be. If he doesn't win here, it's Susan Lucci Syndrome. But even Susan finally won, so c'mon Academy, do what's right and give him an Oscar already.

Costume Design -- 'Alice in Wonderland'. Even though 'The King's Speech' will probably get it, I have to go with a dark horse. Tim Burton films always go over the top in areas like this, so maybe the Academy will throw them a bone.

Documentary -- 'Restrepo'. Filmed in a live war? Check. Named after a war casualty? Check. Although I'm really rooting for 'Exit Through the Gift Shop', because it was much more enjoyable. And, if only to see what shenanigans Banksy will provide at the broadcast if he wins.

Documentary Short Subject -- 'The Warriors of Qiugang'. Multiple war films in this category, so it's a coin toss. However, this one actually has 'War' in the title, so I'll pick it.

Film Editing -- 'Inception'. Oh wait, 'Inception' didn't even get nominated! Another snub in this category for Christopher Nolan. I remember how pissed I was when 'Memento' didn't get nominated. I wasn't nearly as pissed this time (Inception was good but not great, as I mention in my review here), but it's still a major oversight by a clueless Academy. So I gotta go with 'The Social Network' here. It's edited tightly, but still has enough room to breath, you never lose track of the timeline, and it does it all without feeling 'showy'.

Makeup -- 'The Wolfman'. It doesn't take a genius to make Benecio Del Toro look unattractive, but it's a makeup movie at heart, so I'll go with it.

Music (Original Score) -- 'Inception'. I should probably say 'King's Speech', but I can't bring myself to do it. Trent Reznor is also a better pick here (even if most of his score blends into the background). But how can you deny the power of that musical cue in 'Inception'?

Music (Original Song) -- 'Toy Story 3'. I am SO over Randy Newman. AMPAS won't be though.

Visual Effects -- 'Inception'. It's either this or Iron Man 2, and I doubt they'll give it to a sequel.

The Other Categories -- 'I don't give a shit.'

Battlefield: Bad Company 2 song -- 'Arica'

2011-01-11T06:13:00.000-06:00

Quite possibly, the best fan-song for a video game I've heard in a long time.

Lyrics:

I hear a gunshot echo in the night
It's quiet here on Nelson Bay when wookies get their camp on
I take him out with my 4x Noob sight But he'll be back
To piss me off as soon as he can respawn

I see a camping asshole in our base
Waiting to steal our chopper so he can fly around and rape us
I take my engineer kit in my hand and say
Hurry Boys! The Hind is after you!

Chorus:
Gonna take more than Black Ops to drive me away from you
Ain't nothing that a million C4 Whores could ever do
Let's bring the pain down in Arica
While we're at it let's tear them a new one on Port Valdez Too

Gonna squad up and play some rush tonight
Hoping to find a lobby that isn't mostly full of douchebags
C4 on the UAV ain't right, If that's their plan
We'll raid their base and steal the driver's dog tags
Better fall back 'cause victory's in sight
Hurry Boys! The Tank is after you!

Chorus

I'm not the only one who liked that Ihsahn album

2011-01-03T22:17:00.007-06:00

The metal news blog Metalsucks did a readers poll for the best album of the year, and they chose Ihsahn's 'After'. As well they should. It's a great fucking album.

What did they choose last year? Why, they chose my number-one pick, Mastodon's 'Crack the Skye'.

You could say I'm losing my touch, since I had their winner as #3, where I nailed it the year before. Nope. I see it as two years of my awesome taste in heavy music being validated by an unknown crowd of obviously very cool people. You can't see it right now, but I have a smug smile on my handsome yet rugged face.

Speaking of Metalsucks, they posted this comic recently and I though it was worth putting up here too.

On another note, work starts back up tomorrow morning, so my run of blog updates is going to come to a grinding halt once again. It's been real...

Lord Bling's favorite albums of 2010

2010-12-30T10:01:00.020-06:00

Hey. Me again. You like music? Yeah? Me too! Let's talk about some. And when I say 'music', I don't mean what's 'popular' or 'American Idol worthy'. Let's talk about some lesser-known music that doesn't get much radio play. Let's talk about artists that can actually play instruments. There is a TON of music this year that I didn't get to hear, but of the stuff I did, here were my favorites:

10. 36 Crazyfists -- Collisions and Castaways. These guys have been plugging away for close to ten years now, opening for some bands that have no right to be bigger than them. Is it because Brock Lindow's voice is an acquired taste? When I first heard their debut album, it took a few listens to adjust, but now I think he's one of the stronger vocalists in alternative metal. This new album isn't quite as consistent as their last one, but it's very good nevertheless. I'm glad they're still plugging away.
Favorite Track -- 'Mercy and Grace'

9. The Mag Seven -- Black Feathers. Their last album made my list in 2009, and here they are again a year later, although this time there's even more variety in fewer songs. This EP flips from jazzy rock to reggae dub to punk, and yet it all holds together surprisingly well. They also have a surf-inspired cover of Black Flag's 'My War' that has to be heard to be believed. And then there's that amazing artwork by James O'Barr, who is regularly seen at their Dallas shows. I'm not sure where their next album will take us, but I can't wait to find out.
Favorite Track -- 'My War'

8. Far -- At Night We Live. Probably the most mainstream-sounding album on the list, this one smacked me from out of nowhere. These guys had a small measure of success ten years ago, and then broke up. Then one day, I get an e-mail from a friend saying, 'Did you know Far is back together? Their new album is good.' And good it is. In fact, I can say I like this record more than anything else they've released before it. Great vocal hooks, yet aggressive in just the right places. I never would've expected these guys to come back, much less put out something I would play as much as I have this album. I hope they stick around this time.
Favorite Track -- 'Give Me A Reason'

7. MC Frontalot -- Zero Day. What the hell? A rap album on this list? Well, it's 'nerdcore', but hey, rap is rap. I regularly read Penny Arcade, and Frontalot was mentioned there a few years ago (as he plays their PAX convention every year). As a result, I've been listening to his music for a couple of years now, but only the free stuff he posts on his website (and he's posted a LOT of it). Since he's been a Charity Case to his fan base for years, I figured it was time to show some love, so I bought his new one and I'm glad I did. It hasn't left my car since it released in April. By the way, if you have Netflix streaming, check out 'Nerdcore Rising', which is a documentary that follows him on his first national tour. It shows what the road is like for smaller bands, and how it's not very glamorous, but doing what you love can pay off in more ways than one. It's something every aspiring young musician should watch.
Favorite Track -- 'First World Problem'

6. The Contortionist -- Exoplanet. Finally, some fucking METAL! What an impressive major-label debut. They're a cross between the mathematic riffing of Meshuggah, the insane soloing of Necrophagist, and the occasional moments of beauty of early Hopesfall. Sometimes they mix all three in the same song, and on tracks like 'Flourish', if you appreciate the heavier side of music, it can give you goose bumps. As a whole, the album isn't as consistent as some other metal releases this year, but they have a ton of potential. This album got overlooked on most top metal lists for 2010, but I hope more people come around to it because they're very promising.
Favorite Track -- 'Flourish'

5. Deftones -- Diamond Eyes. Besides political leanings, this band is the one thing the regular contributors on this blog have in common. They got started when we were all in college, and their first two albums turned a lot of heads in the alternative rock and metal communities. Yet when other bands from that time either called it quits or release stagnant cash-grabs, these guys continue to compose solid records. I really liked their last one, and thought it was their best since Around the Fur. Now I have no choice but to repeat that same sentiment for this one.
Favorite Tracks -- 'Diamond Eyes', 'Sextape'

4. Misery Index -- Heirs to Thievery. This band is a prime example of how metal should be done. They write catchier riffs than most death bands. At times, they're faster than a lot of grindcore bands. Lyrically, they're more intelligent than most bands in any genre. And they made the album available to stream before it released, showing they know how to market themselves. Even though I like their previous releases, that stream was what sold me on the new one, and I ordered it the same day. Like The Red Chord last year, these guys stepped up and released their best album to date.
Favorite Tracks -- 'Fed to the Wolves', 'The Seventh Cavalry'

3. Ihsahn -- After. Black metal can be one of the cheesiest genres of music. Corpsepaint, Halloween outfits, and demonic lyrics that try WAY too hard. However, Emperor was one of the few black metal bands that I could appreciate. While they helped popularize the genre (and led to many less-talented imitators), they always had a little something more going on in their music. So when they broke up in 2001, I was disappointed. However, if I'd have known their front man was going to go on to release albums like this, I would've cheered their break up (blasphemy, I know)! The record is heavy, but not 'black metal'. Then in one song, you have to strain a little to make sure, but oh my god, is that a saxophone? Who the fuck puts that in a metal song? Is Ihsahn completely insane? Then a little later it comes further into the foreground, with a passage that's so mournfully beautiful you can't help but respect it. Then further listens, you can't imagine the album without it. Powerful and unexpected. 'After' came out in January, so some top ten metal lists forgot about it. Considering I've had that sax line in my head for almost 11 months now, I didn't have the option.
Favorite Track -- 'Undercurrent'

2. Periphery -- Periphery. Word of mouth and repetition. They work. I heard about this disc so many times on different metal websites, I finally gave in. A reviewer on Amazon called this album 'warm and fuzzy math metal', and I think that's pretty spot-on. They can flip between a song that could be a alternative rock radio hit, and then to a track that wouldn't sound out of place on a new Fredrik Thordendal solo project. And yet, it never loses its sense of cohesion. The guitar player is the driving force behind the project, and produced the album himself over a span of almost five years, switching vocalists in and out many times. I'm not entirely sold on the vocalist on the final album (and many on metal websites recommend an instrumental-only version that's on iTunes). His growling isn't very strong, but his clean vocals are very good, and that's enough for me. Besides, it's better than the alternative, which would be having a good death growl and then singing off-key. Regardless, it's not about the vocals; it's about the guitar work, which is stellar. Part prog-rock, part math-core, all amazing. I just hope it doesn't take another five years for the next record.
Favorite Tracks -- 'Jetpacks Was Yes!', 'Zyglrox'

1. The Ocean -- Heliocentric. It started innocently enough. 'Stream the new album from The Ocean!' I'd only heard of them a couple of times, but when a band feels strongly enough about a release to stream it beforehand, I'll always give it a listen. However, this may be the only streamed album that I immediately played again afterwards. They make so many interesting decisions that pay off for any open-minded listener. At times they sound like a more-orchestrated Isis, then they throw a couple of piano ballads at you (yes, you read that right). Yet, they're so good, I don't skip them. In fact, I don't skip anything on this record, and never have. I said 'open-minded listener' earlier because some fans of The Ocean's previous works aren't happy with 'Heliocentric'. I went back and picked up 'Precambrian' which is widely considered to be their magnum opus. It's a LOT heavier, so I get why some fans aren't happy, but it feels one-dimensional (especially since I heard it AFTER this one). I don't get how a fan can listen to this album and not appreciate it, even if it's vastly different. They're not trying to sell a million copies or guest-judge on some music game show; they're pushing themselves as artists. That's something I'll always support, even if I don't entirely like the end result. However, this end result is nothing short of incredible. You wanna know what was the capper? This band got me reading again. The lyrics on 'Heliocentric' draw from many different scientific and philosophical texts, asking questions about the birth of religion that beg for further contemplation. After doing some digging, I pulled the trigger on some book purchases. Because of this band, I've read Richard Dawkins and am currently getting through some Nietzsche. From someone who's had a video game controller glued to his hands for the past three years, that's quite an accomplishment. For all of these reasons, this was my favorite album of 2010.
Favorite Tracks -- 'Firmament', 'Metaphysics of the Hangman', 'The Origin of Species'

I was going to use this space to whine about how disappointed I was in the new Dillinger Escape Plan record, or how uninspired the new After the Burial sounds, but I won't do that(?). Instead, let's take the high road and talk about some upcoming 2011 releases that I can't wait for:

Opeth
Pig Destroyer
Crowbar
Gojira
Clutch
Devin Townsend Project
Amon Amarth
Decapitated
Origin

And I look forward to being surprised by some unexpected albums too. I'd barely heard of The Ocean at the start of the year, and that ended up working out nicely...

Lord Bling's Top Ten Video Games of 2010

2010-12-27T20:13:00.031-06:00

Just in time for the end of 2010, here is my top ten video game list for the year. Looking back at last year's list, I think I would've made one small change. At the time, I had no way of knowing that Activision would charge $15 for each downloadable map pack for Modern Warfare 2 (with 40% of each one being old content). Map packs up until that point were never more than $10, so the higher price and the old content put a bad taste in my mouth. I also had no way of knowing that Activision and Infinity Ward would have a soap-opera-like falling-out which is still taking place today. Whether it was directly or indirectly because of it, the level of technical support and online bug-squashing would not be comparable to Call of Duty 4. With this knowledge, I would have to say that Uncharted 2 was my favorite game of 2009. That's what makes these lists fun. It's a small snapshot in time of my favorite hobby. Speaking of time, I have to caveat this list by saying there are a few games that I regrettably didn't get the chance to play this year, so they were not considered for this list. Those games are:

-- Enslaved (I liked the demo, and Ninja Theory told a great story in Heavenly Sword)
-- Need For Speed: Hot Pursuit (Loved the original on PS1, and it got good reviews)
-- Alan Wake (I got a copy for Christmas, so I'll be diving into it soon)
-- Singularity (a highly overlooked title from the summer that got some Bioshock comparisons; it's on the way from GameFly now)
-- Gran Turismo 5 (Reviews were hit-or-miss, but you know what you're getting with this series, and what you're getting is a top-quality racing simulation)

Okay, so the caveats are out of the way. Let's dive into 2010!

10. Pinball FX2. I absolutely loved Pinball FX when it hit Xbox Live Arcade a few years ago, and the sequel is just as good. They gave a free table away if you download the game launcher, and free is awesome. They also put out a Marvel table 4-pack recently, and the tables are all fun, but very different from each other. The only negative I can put on this is a couple of tables (Rome, Biolab) have a female voice actor who's really bad, but I just stream my own music so it's not too distracting. Voice acting notwithstanding, this is the best video pinball simulation ever made, and will be sapping a LOT of my hours in 2011.

9. Halo: Reach. I had very low expectations for this game, because I didn't care for ODST. I liked what they were trying to do with the pacing, and the score was fantastic, but the hub world was beyond annoying and killed the entire experience for me. However, since this is Bungie's last Halo game, I figured it would be more of a love letter than an experiment. Fortunately, that's exactly what it is. The story isn't a surprise to anyone who's paid attention to the canon, but it was handled well, and has some nice ties back to the original game. I also liked the different loadout choices in multiplayer, as they enhanced it without radically changing the experience. It's not a shooter I'll 'reach' for very often, but I could still hop into a game right now and enjoy it.

8. Bayonetta. So THIS is what happens when a famous game creator goes to an S&M bar after taking a near-lethal dose of LSD. At least, that's how I imagine the first production meetings went. This game makes Devil May Cry look like digital Lunestra. There's a story, but like most Japanese action games, it's not worth paying attention to. How much story do you need to be ready to punch a god through a galaxy? The controls are tighter than the slots at the Vegas airport, and the level score leaderboards can really hook the perfectionist crowd. Even the end credits are different and brought a smile to my face. Full disclosure: I work for the publisher that made this. However, a good game is a good game.

7. Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Think of a survival horror game. Now take away all the weapons! Yeah, this game is INTENSE. They took the best parts of H.P. Lovecraft and made them interactive. It's not a run-and-gun like most other survival horror games, and it's all the better for it. The contrast between light and dark is what really makes it great. The longer you stay in the dark, the more insane your character becomes (and the screen fades in and out and sound is warped, as if it's happening inside your head). Staying in the light gains back sanity, but stay in it too long and evil beings might track you down. The sound design is flawless, and if you have a good pair of surround sound headphones, it will destroy you. I'm not kidding. During my last session, I heard something behind me, and I turned around and had this staring back at me. As you might understand, I can only play it in 20 or 30 minute increments before it becomes too much to handle. It may not have any replay value, but at $20 (or less if you catch it on a digital promotion), fans of intelligent horror will find it worth every penny.

6. Fallout: New Vegas. Yeah, it's 'Fallout 3' in Nevada. Yeah, it shipped buggier than an Alabama August. However, Fallout 3 may be my favorite game of this console generation, so being 'more of the same' is hardly a strike against it. The Vegas setting isn't as compelling as D.C., and aiming down the sights isn't as big of an improvement as I'd hoped. Still, it delivers on almost everything else. The weapon modification system is better than the 'blueprint' system in the last game, and the ammo creation is deeper anyone could've hoped. Also, the standing you'll have with different factions leads to a lot of second-guessing and 'what-ifs' before choosing quests. I haven't put nearly as much time into this game as I'd like, but I've been saving it for later, like a rich chocolaty desert.

5. Mass Effect 2. This is at or near the top of many other people's lists for 2010. However, because it's so story-driven, I don't find it has the replay value that other people think. I have a version of the story that I played, and to play it again for other endings feels like a 'choose your own adventure' book instead of a great role-playing game. Speaking of, in many places, the sequel feels more like a third-person shooter than an RPG. Having said all that, I can still put it this high on my list because it's THAT good. The graphics and audio are top-notch. The story is worth the price of admission alone, and being able to load your completed save from the first game and have it affect what happens in part 2? That's a real game-changer. They recently announced the final opus in the trilogy, and like many of my friends, I'll be there the day it releases with my sixty bucks in hand.

4. Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood. I didn't get to play Assassin's Creed 2 in time to make my Top Ten list last year. It was a shame, because I would've made room for it. The first game had potential but didn't quite deliver, but the sequel improved upon it in every major category. Now, a year later, we have another sequel, but it follows the same character from part 2 in the same country. Is it worth your time? If you played part 2, absolutely. The story picks up right where that one left off, and eventually takes you to Rome, which was teased at the end of part 2. Rome is a phenomenal setting, and the playable map is gigantic. A few of the later missions are too 'trial and error' for my tastes, but by that time, you'll be invested enough in the story to want to push through. Plus, if a mission is too hard, this time you have assassin recruits that you can summon to assist you. It gives the player a feeling of power that's quite addictive. The swordplay controls have been tweaked again, and are even better. Then there's the score, which is another masterpiece from Jesper Kyd. On top of all this, there's a new multiplayer mode, which is different from the 'shoot first, ask questions later' that we get in so many other games. Unfortunately, that part still needs some work. Many matches feel controlled by luck and random spawn points than skill, and the party system is iffy. Since this year's Splinter Cell lacked a true PvP mode, I was hoping this would take its place, but it's not ready for that. Still, as a first try, it's promising. If you found anything enjoyable about Assassin's Creed 2, you should pick this one up.

3. Call of Duty: Black Ops. This might be the biggest surprise on my list. Considering how much of a mess the last Treyarch CoD game was, Black Ops is a big improvement. The single-player campaign uses a flashback format, which brings a nice variety to the level design. The 'Nazi Zombie' mode is more complicated, and the 'War Room' level you get after you beat the campaign is full of lulz. Then we get to the competitive multiplayer, which is the true meat-and-potatoes of the series. At this point, I can't honestly say it's an improvement over Modern Warfare 2. Most of the maps are just big squares with lots of entry points. That, combined with the nerfing of long-scoped weapons, leads me to believe that Treyarch has zero-tolerance for snipe-campers. As someone who snipes in most first-person shooters, "I resemble that remark!" Still, there are some improvements. Having to buy weapons after you unlock them isn't ideal, but gaining XP and CoD cash is addictive, especially with the Contract system which can add a whole new level of pressure to games. Treyarch has done a commendable job of patching online glitches, and I would even say they've done better than Infinity Ward did with MW2. Then there is the Theater mode, which allows YouTube video uploading of any footage from your last week's worth of games that you choose. This is by far my favorite feature that came out of gaming in 2010, and I've waxed poetic about it already on this site. My YouTube account is filling up with great kills and funny moments, and I couldn't be happier. Activision announced the first downloadable map pack coming to Xbox in February, and it doesn't look like old content will be in this one, so I will probably be paying the $15 for them. If that's not a compliment, I don't know what is.

2. Red Dead Redemption. The haters were vocal about this one as soon as it was announced. "It's Grand Theft Horse!" "No one buys Western games!" True, and up until May 2010, true. Then this game finally shipped, and every other game that released that month felt the ripple effect from this juggernaut. The RAGE engine that made GTA IV look so pretty AND intentionally ugly works even more wonders here. The story, while lagging a bit in some of the Mexico levels, is still worthy of Peckinpah or Leone. The soundtrack is perfectly evocative of both the untamed West and Mexico. The multiplayer took what worked in GTA IV and added an improved level progression system. It's hard to say if this game is as good as GTA IV, but it mainly comes down to the player's taste. However, I can say that the last couple of hours in the single-player campaign are flawless. I wouldn't dream of spoiling it, but I'll just say that you won't expect to be doing what you're doing, but it makes perfect sense and adds a ton of gravitas to the final mission. Then they pull a switcharoo that will have your head spinning until the credits roll. I was so impressed with the ending that I kept playing afterwards until I got 100% completion. If a few hours in Mexico hadn't dragged, and if I'd spend more time with the multiplayer, this could've easily ended up at the top of my list this year.

1. Battlefield: Bad Company 2. When this game came out in March, I was quietly impressed, but didn't expect to spend a lot of time with it. Fast forward nine months, and it's the only game from the first half of the year that still gets regular play.

I've been a fan of the Battlefield series for a while. I really liked Battlefield 2 on the original Xbox. It was the first console game to bring sprawling maps and a variety of vehicles into a modern military shooter. It was a little buggy, but was unlike anything else out there, and got a LOT of my gaming time. The next console game in the series was Bad Company, and it was worthwhile. It introduced a level of environmental destructibility that hadn't been seen in a shooter since Red Faction. However, it released in the wake of Call of Duty 4, which flipped the script by bringing role-playing level progression to the shooter genre. All of a sudden, blowing a hole in a wall with a noob tube came in second to unlocking the next weapon or emblem.

As any regular reader of this blog can attest, I played Call of Duty 4 for two years straight. However, since then there's only one FPS that's had a comparably long shelf life, and that's Bad Company 2. The maps are enormous, and sniping across them feels amazing (especially since the gravity of the bullet is taken into effect). The advance-and-retreat style of play in Rush mode feels more like real war than any other game type in any other shooter out there. The enemy spotting system has completely changed the way I think in-game. I find myself pushing the back button while aiming at opponents in other shooters, then cussing at the developers of the other games for not having a tagging system. And then there's the four different character classes, which are as balanced as any shooter since Team Fortress 2. You're given as much XP for doing class-based team actions as you are for getting a kill, and sometimes even more so. The level progression system isn't as polished as some other games, but that also means the higher-level players aren't playing it for achievements or new weapons, but because it's THAT fun. DICE has done a great job of supporting the game with free content, and there's the Vietnam expansion that released last week, which will have me playing long into 2011.

What keeps me coming back to this game? Everything feels rewarding. Playing as an Assault class soldier and dropping ordinance for appreciative teammates who have been defending a position? Spawning as an Engineer and planting mines that destroy an incoming tank, or using your repair tool to fix an attack chopper while it's in-flight? Controlling a UAV mini-copter and slamming its blades into an opponent's face? Playing as a Medic and using defib paddles to revive a recently-deceased teammate? Being a sniper and calling in a mortar strike on a building that houses an objective, then watching the building collapse, taking out the objective and every opponent inside? Strapping explosives to a four-wheeler and driving it into a broken building full of bad guys, then leaping off at the last second and pressing the detonator? These are the most satisfying moments I had in gaming this year, and for that, Bad Company 2 deserves to be at the top of my list for 2010.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (in no particular order):

-- Vanquish -- It's a short ride, but a very fun one. Rocket-sliding up to a robot and flip-kicking it is just as fun as it sounds.
-- Metro 2033 -- While it's basically S.T.A.L.K.E.R. without the RPG elements, the graphics were immersive and the story was surprisingly affecting.
-- Super Meat Boy -- Comparable to N+ in terms of difficulty, but with a lot more personality. Some levels felt like the devs weren't playing fair, which is the only reason why it didn't squeak into the top ten.
-- Alpha Protocol -- With a little more polish and bug-squashing, this could've been a big hit. The story was solid, and some of the dialogue was laugh-out-loud funny. Steven Heck gets my vote for Gaming Character of the Year.
-- Limbo -- This year's Braid, without the rewinding. Minimalist graphic style works very well. If you don't hate spiders now, you will after playing it.

BONUS LIST -- MOST DISAPPOINTING (in no particular order)

-- Splinter Cell: Conviction -- In what felt like an attempt to gain more mainstream sales, they tried to make it a run-and-gun stealth game. They also took out the cult-garnering-yet-high-learning-curve Spies vs. Mercs mode from the multiplayer. As a humongous fan of the series, these were both very bad decisions. Let's hope they get Sam Fisher back on track in the next one.
-- Medal of Honor -- Devs who worked on the original Medal of Honor games left EA to form Infinity Ward, who made Call of Duty. Call of Duty became immensely bigger than Medal of Honor. Now was EA's chance to respond with a revamped modern-day game. They hired DICE to do the multiplayer, which got a lot of peoples' hopes up. What we ended up with was a spotty single-player campaign and a weak Battlefield-lite multiplayer with fewer character classes and no destructible environments.
-- Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days -- I'm one of the few people who defends the original Kane and Lynch. The controls were a little loose, the cover system wasn't very good, and the squad mechanic was worthless. However, the story was one of the best in this generation, and the longer version's ending was worth getting to. So I had a small level of enthusiasm for a sequel. I shouldn't have. The grainy YouTube video look of this one is cool for about five minutes, but doesn't replace the lack of plot, and the controls are still weak.
-- Just Cause 2 -- The most bug-filled game I played this year. It crashed so many times, I brought a broom into my game room so I didn't have to get up from my chair to reset my Xbox. Audio dropouts during cutscenes are so common, you'll think you're playing a silent movie. Then there's a save glitch that wiped out almost seven hours of gameplay. I don't know if they've fixed any of this stuff since then, but considering I paid full price for it back in March, I don't really care anymore.
-- Dead Rising 2 -- Another sequel to a promising game; another epic fail. Once again, the save system and mission structure get in the way of the fun. The multiplayer is only good for campaign cash farming. It's still surprising to me that someone can make such a beautiful looking game about killing zombies in unique ways and make it such a chore to play.
-- God of War 3 -- It looks great, sounds great, and plays great. So why is it down here instead of up higher? Simple: They turned Kratos, one of the greatest characters in video game history, into a one-dimensional rageaholic. You might think this is a minor complaint, but as video games become more and more of a story-telling medium, connection to the lead character is important (especially when it existed so strongly in past games). Fortunately, the PSP game that released this year (Ghost of Sparta) helped reinstall his pathos while still maintaining most of his anger.

Okay, I think that's enough lists for now. I'll post a similar one for music later this week, although it'll probably be a lot shorter. Have a great week everyone.

The Top Ten things I learned from 'A Christmas Carol'

2010-12-24T18:14:00.004-06:00

1: Ebenezer Scrooge started the War on Christmas.
2: Jacob Marley was way too uptight. He should've smoked a Bob Marley.
3: The Ghost Hunters would've had a field day at Scrooge's house.
4: The Milk of Human Kindness tastes best when drank from a pimp cup.
5: If you can't afford to feed your family properly, maybe it's time to stop rutting.
6: If you haven't had a raise in eight years, perhaps it's time to hit up Monster.com.
7: Poor people have more fun than rich people.
8: Scrooge's future is a lot like ours: No flying cars!
9: Seeing a tombstone with your name on it can be life-changing.
10: If England had universal health care in the 1800's, Tiny Tim wouldn't have needed Scrooge's trickle-down guilt money.

Top Ten lists upcoming

2010-12-19T14:58:00.002-06:00

Hey everyone. Just thought I'd drop by to say I'm working on my Top Ten Games and Top Ten Albums of 2010 lists, and they'll be posted in the next week or so. I'm on vacation for a while, so I'll have the time to write 'em up. I just wish I had more time to update the blog as often as I used to.

On another note, I was gonna do a Top Films of 2010, but realized there's still so much I haven't seen this year, so I'm going to skip it. Sad, since I used to work in the film industry, but it is what it is. Having said that, I'll go ahead and say that I really enjoyed the following films (although they won't be winning any awards):

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
Get Him to the Greek
The Expendables
Kick Ass

As far as award season goes, I'm guessing The Social Network and Inception will win the majority of them. Both are worth watching, but I didn't think either was 'great'. The Social Network was pretty good, but nowhere near as good as the critics are saying. Well made, well scripted and acted, but it was missing something. I think that something is Fincher's signature. Perhaps the story didn't call for it, but I still missed it. In the end, it was cold and held the viewer at arms length. That works for me in some films, but didn't in this one. Then there's Inception. Christopher Nolan has yet to make a film that wasn't spectacular to look at, but the plot isn't nearly as deep as some would have you believe. But I've already spoken at length about that one.

I'm hoping to catch a few films before the year is over:

Black Swan
True Grit
Unstoppable
Tron: Legacy (even if just for the eye candy)
127 Hours

And I have a few in my Netflix queue I'm looking forward to seeing soon:

Restrepo
Exit Through the Gift Shop
The Kids are Alright
The American

Hope you're all doing well, and I'LL BE BACK.

The new Call of Duty from Treyarch is (GASP) actually good

2010-11-24T18:31:00.000-06:00

I know, I know. I haven't posted any blog updates lately. Work has been crazy, and I've been catching up on some new video games. I've spent a lot of time with one in particular, even though if you told me a year ago that it'd be a 'Game of the Year' competitor, I wouldn't have believed you.

Call of Duty: Black Ops came out recently, and much to my surprise (and delight), it doesn't suck! In fact, it's actually pretty good. The multiplayer is more balanced than Modern Warfare 2, and the customization is deeper than any other console FPS. On top of all that, there's a 'Theater' mode where you can take screenshots from any point in any game you've played in the past seven days. You can download them from their website, and they're very high quality. This has become extremely addicting.

Here is a close-up of one of my assault rifles. Not only can you choose from a ton of different camo styles, but you can create your own emblem and have it put on your rifle, as well as having your clan tag carved into it.

Here is me shooting some fool point-blank in the chest with a shotgun:

I ran up behind this dude and shanked him like it was my first day in prison:

Theater mode also has the ability to make 30 second clips and upload them to the site. Then you can link your YouTube account to the site, and then videos automatically upload to YouTube. No longer do you have to explain that awesome kill to your friends, or that funny moment. You can show them, from any angle. More games need to have this function!

Here's me sneaking up behind a camper ... ERRRR, 'an opponent who is utilizing strategic placement', and shooting him in the head with an explosive crossbow bolt:

Here's me getting a lucky semtex stick kill on another camper:

Here's my fat ass falling on someone and killing him, then slicing up his Juggalo friend:

And finally, here's me team-killing our old friend Miles, and giving his corpse a close-up view of my crotch:

My problems with World at War were many, and I wasn't shy about making my feelings known. However, Treyarch was working on more than one game at the time. They were spread thin, and it showed. Black Ops was their only project for the past two years, and while it's not perfect, the improvements are major. Treyarch, my hat's off to you.

Get your asses out and VOTE

2010-11-01T21:46:00.003-05:00

Okay peoples. Tuesday is Election Day. I don't care how you vote, just VOTE.

Don't say, "I'm too busy at work!" Every state requires employers to allow their employees time off to vote. State-by-state details are listed HERE.

Don't say, "I don't know where my polling location is!" Look it up HERE.

Don't say, "I don't know what I'd be voting on!" A quick Google search can fix that.

Don't say, "I'm not registered to vote!" Go HERE. It may not be too late. However, if it is too late for you to register in your state, then you waited too long and you're an asshole.

There. Unless you're an ex-con, undocumented worker, or an asshole, you're out of excuses. Vote.

P.S. I said I don't care how you vote? Okay, I have to make one exception. If you live in Delaware, and are voting for this woman:

"I dabbled into witchcraft. I never joined a coven. ... One of my first dates with a witch was on a satanic altar."

"It is not enough to be abstinent with other people, you also have to be be abstinent alone. The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery, so you can't masturbate without lust."

"American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains."

"Evolution is a myth. ... Why aren't monkeys still evolving into humans?"

... well, I guess go ahead and vote for her. It's a democracy, and I can't stop you. I just hope for humanity's sake that you're sterile.

How awesome would porn look on THIS?

2010-10-24T10:42:00.002-05:00

Well, other than having balls fly at your face .... I bring to you, THE GREATEST TV EVER MADE (available to consumers so far)

Every time I go to Fry's, I walk by the 55'' version, and it stops me dead in my tracks. The picture quality is unmatched. However, I already have a 65'' Mitsubishi DLP in the living room, and I didn't want to downsize. Then I saw that price, and OMG, STICKER SHOCK set in. I'm gonna wait a while. Still, the long-term plan is to get this, and move the Mitsubishi into my game room. One of these days, it WILL happen.

Game Review: Dead Rising 2

2010-10-04T19:05:00.015-05:00

Zombies. Who doesn't love 'em? The zombie movie has made a comeback in the past decade. A couple of them were pretty good, and they helped coax George A. Romero and his Harry Caray glasses out of retirement. There's a zombie TV series starting on AMC this month called 'The Walking Dead'. And, they're the perfect video game cannon fodder. Left 4 Dead and Left 4 Dead 2 sold millions each, as well they should've. They're great games.

Another strong-selling zombie game is Dead Rising. Set in a shopping mall, your job is to find out what caused the undead outbreak, but you only have 72 hours to do so. It was a great setting for a zombie game (even if it's taken lock stock and barrel from a classic Romero film). Great graphics, especially for a launch-window game, with hundreds of zombies on screen at once. Tons of objects that can be used as weapons, and you can level up your character for multiple playthroughs. So why did I hate it?

The game did everything in its power to get in the way of the fun. They give you an open-world setting, but they restrict you with a timed mission structure. The missions are given to you via text, at the bottom of the screen, and almost always when you're in the middle of another mission. 90% of the gameplay is 'escort missions'. Just the word 'escort mission' is enough to make most gamers groan, and the ones in Dead Rising are no exception. They make sense in the scope of the game, but the survivor A.I. was terrible, and rarely fought for themselves or made any effort to keep up with you. And the biggest deal breaker for me? The save system is archaic and broken. You have to walk into a bathroom to save your progress. On the way to every bathroom are tons of zombies. If you're low on health and don't have any food to eat, you may not survive long enough to get to a bathroom, which means whatever progress you've made since the last save will be lost. After this happened a few times in a row, combined with everything else, I gave up on it.

The worst part of all of this? Before Dead Rising shipped, they released a demo on Xbox Live. In the demo, you had 30 minutes to go wild in the mall and kill zombies however you wanted. It was a blast! Playing the demo only set me up to be disappointed by the restrictive final product. But then Capcom announced Dead Rising 2 last year, and I felt optimistic.

Set in a small Vegas-like town, you're given the ability to combine two objects and create a new weapon. This replaces the ability to take pictures that was in the first game, which I rarely used. This got me (and a good amount of gamers) excited. Put a shotgun together with a pitchfork and create a 'boomstick'! Put a propane tank with a box of nails and create an IED! Put a coat hanger with a wheelchair and create a rolling abortion machine! Okay, so you can't make the last one, but trust me when I say the possibilities are almost endless. On top of the weapon system, and the new setting, I also assumed that they'd fix the broken save system and the mission delivery method. So how did they do?

I hate it.

While it takes place in a gambling town, most of your time will be spent where? In a shopping mall. That's right. Your safe house exits into a mall, which may as well be a copy / paste job from the first game.

The load times are atrocious. They were bad in the first game, but they're even worse here. The screen freezes up when you're trying to get to the main menu. Every time you walk through a door? Load screen. And you'll walk through doors a lot, so I hope you like loading screens! Every time you save the game, the screen freezes for almost 15 seconds. It makes you think your Xbox is crashing. Not good.

How do you get your missions? Via text, at the bottom of the screen, usually when you're in the middle of another mission. Again, you're fighting for your life against a horde of zombies, while escorting survivors (who admittedly have improved A.I.) and you have to 'answer your walkie-talkie' to hear about some other survivor you need to save. Wait, did I say 'hear'? I meant 'read'. Does someone at Capcom have a problem with voice acting? Other than cutscenes, there's hardly any of it in this game.

The save system? Still shitty. They give you three separate save slots instead of one, but you still have to run to a goddamned bathroom to save. Note to developers: It's 2010. Most games have aggressive auto-checkpoints, or are like Elder Scrolls IV or Fallout 3 (autosaves, and save at any point you want, into as many save slots as you want). Make an effort to keep up with the competition. If you make gamers work to save their progress, you failed as a developer.

Combining items to make new weapons? Yeah, it's pretty cool. However, you have to take these items to a 'maintenance room', so you can't just do it on the fly. This adds to the tedium that the game seems to relish.

They added online co-op, but it's limited and basic. They also added an online multiplayer mode, but it's stupid and feels tacked-on. It's a reality game show where contestants have to kill the most zombies. It ties into the beginning of the single-player campaign, but it's just a set of mini-games that make Fusion Frenzy 2 look like Mario Party. I like that you can carry over your prize money to the single-player, but it doesn't make the game modes fun. I had troubles finding a game, and I was playing on the first weekend after the game released.

I really wanted to like this game. I played for quite a few hours last weekend, but it just kept getting in the way of itself. If you're a fan of the first game, by all means, pick up a copy of Dead Rising 2. If you weren't a fan of the first, stay far, far away.

I hate network TV, but I love 'House'

2010-10-02T11:08:00.008-05:00

Hey kids. I haven't posted anything in a while, but not because I've been busy. I mean, yeah, I've been working and traveling a lot, but I've also been gaming a lot (my Xbox Live gamerscore is approaching six figures, and I got a new laptop and Steam has become an addiction). I've also been watching more TV. I typically just watch sports or McLaughlin Group, and I stay away from network TV. Well, except for one show in the summer: Big Brother. You can say it's trashy and worthless, or you could look past the surface and see it for what it is: A live 24-hour-a-day sociological and political science experiment. Granted, it's a guilty pleasure, but the way people manipulate each other is fascinating. However, other than Big Brother, I don't watch network TV. Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, and a ton of doctor and lawyer shows. Crap, crap, and more crap. Then I caught a couple of episodes of House, and realized I needed to make an exception. It was this line that got me:

A misanthropic atheist with a drug addiction who excels at manipulating people? Count me in. And that it's on Fox makes it even better. Sometimes it feels like they slipped one past the goalie, so to speak. Most episodes follow a specific pattern, but it's an enjoyable one, and sometimes you actually learn something about specific diseases. Most of the time, they fall into the 'Star Trek' trap of using a lot of big words in a hurry, but at least the words actually mean something here. It also doesn't hurt that the side characters are well-written and interesting. What can I say? I'm hooked.

Okay, gotta run. Team Fortress 2 is half-price on Steam this weekend, so a lot of people are playing.

EDIT: As if Ryan needed another reason to watch House, an episode from Season 4 called 'It's a Wonderful Lie' has the following exchange (posted from Wikipedia):

"In the clinic, House treats another female patient, called Melanie (Jennifer Hall), whom he initially diagnoses with strep throat. House notices that she has a necklace of Saint Nicholas, whom she describes as the patron saint of children. At the same time, he notices that she's had HIV tests every 3 months, and that Saint Nicholas is also the patron saint of prostitutes. Since she isn't a child, he tells her that he's deduced that she is a prostitute, which causes her to smile in response. She later returns with pustules on her neck and chest. House asks if she does donkey shows, and when she says yes, he gives her a prescription for contagious ecthyma, a disease she has that can be caught from donkeys. She invites him to see the show, and says he might like it."

August 28th-The Thing to Remember

2010-08-28T11:00:00.003-05:00

As we all know, this day will forever be known for a great man. No not Glen Beck, Sarah Palin, or Fox News. This day belongs to Martin Luther King Jr. To co-opt a day, in the way Glen Beck has, shows you how little creativity is actually left within our news organizations and how much the right wing is struggling to keep hold of what little sanity they must have. Glen Beck is nothing more than a magician of the worst sort. He's the kid at the party that wants you to discover what has happened to the object in his hand, only after he places them behind his back for a few seconds. The people that are sucked in by him, and those like him, truly have me fearing for the future of my children. To Glen Beck I say this on behalf of everyone that recognizes that he picked this day, of all days, to hold his rally: Screw You!
I will now leave it to a man whose words carries more credence than mine.

Fun with Words

2010-08-18T18:11:00.018-05:00

When I'm mad, I tend to say more swear words than the average person. It led to a friend of mine creating a word about it, and he and a couple of others occasionally call me it when I'm yelling about getting spawn-camped online. I'm not going to post the word, but I'll say that it's listed as number 2, part 2 here. Hearing someone call me that word actually calms me down a bit, because it shows me how ridiculous I'm being, and how good I actually have it in this world.

However, this post isn't about the Holocaust or Xbox Live. I'm talking about the specific words I use when I cuss. I'm not too inventive when I work blue. I go to the fall-backs that feel really good when you spit them out. "Fuck!" That's a given. "Motherfucker!" Yeah, pretty much. "Fuckin' motherfuckers!" Wow, how original. "Faggot!" Wait, what?

I almost never use the word 'faggot'. I have gay friends, and to them, I imagine that it's like using the 'Dr. Laura word' around a black friend. I've used the word 'fag' around them a couple of times, which is kinda like saying 'Nigga' instead of the full N-word? But when I do, it's always in a playful manner, and they know it's not coming from a hateful place. I would never use it in public. And yet, sometimes in the heat of the moment in a game on Xbox Live, the word might shoot out. It feels good to say, really loud and angry, doesn't it? However, when I started thinking about it, I was pretty ashamed of myself, as I should be. 'John Gabriel's Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory' is not a valid excuse.

Every other swear word I use has no real connotation to anything in real life. Calling someone a 'fucker'? I'm not picturing them fucking someone. It's just a word that feels good to say when you're mad. And I know that the people on the other end aren't fucking my mother either. At least, I highly doubt they are. The same is true about 'fag' or 'faggot'. I don't know if anyone on the other end is straight or gay, and I don't care, because it makes no difference to me. So I've made a conscious decision to no longer use the word 'fag' or 'faggot' as a swear word, or in anger. From now on, I'm replacing it with the word 'furry':

Furries deserve every ounce of our wrath. They're a waste of skin, which is ironic because they wish they didn't have skin in the first place. They're not misunderstood; they're just looking for attention. And let's add a level of clarification, before some furry finds this blog and posts something in the comment section: It doesn't matter if they're straight or gay. I don't care if a furry has sex with a man or a woman (or an actual animal, if they live in Wyoming). That is irrelevant.

Furries have nothing of value to contribute to our society. In fact, other than consoling with other furries, they don't even have anything to contribute to the online community, which is REALLY pathetic. Every other online community has their own memes. Eventually some make it out into the real world, and a few even find life with the general public. However, furries have the word 'yiff', Wile E. Coyote costumes, and brightly-colored pictures of humanimals with erections. There is no need for furries in our society, and if you disagree, you're a fucking furry fucker.

Please join me in this noble task. We can make the world a better place, one word at a time.

P.S. Come to think of it, I'm not going to use the word 'cocksucker' any more either. To call someone that is to infer that sucking cock is a bad thing. Personally, I'm a big fan of getting my cock sucked, so why should that word be used negatively? I guess if you're saying it to a straight man to imply that he's gay, then I understand, but that's still pretty shitty. If I were in prison and only saw dudes for years on end, I'd probably be begging to meet a cocksucker of any kind. So, I think I'm gonna replace that word with 'Juggalo'. It doesn't roll off the tongue quite as well, but I think it's worth the effort.

Fun with Photoshop

2010-08-09T09:31:00.011-05:00

Over the past couple of years, I've played around with Photoshop, and have enjoyed the lulz it can bring. Here are a few of my favorites that haven't been posted on this site. Most of these aren't 'technical' but as long as they get a laugh or two, that's all that matters.

I made this one into a t-shirt for our friend Brandon:

Monica Crowley is the cancer that is killing The McLaughlin Group

2010-08-04T08:52:00.005-05:00

Monica Crowley MUST be stopped.

Really? The Republicans will win by default? With no strategy and no leader? I think they have the opportunity to gain some seats in the House, but let's not get cocky. She also makes no bones about saying 'We' when talking about the Republicans. She doesn't do this anywhere else, which shows how much she's in her comfort zone when she's on Fox News. And when will Fox News pull a 'WWE' and come out and admit that it's staged? It would be a lot more entertaining, and they could stop pretending they're a 'respected' news outlet. In fact, I could see Stone Cold Steve Austin as a regular on Hannity's 'Great American Panel':

Here is Crowley in 2008, arguing that Clinton should give his annual pension back, because he's already rich and is just cashing in on his presidency.

Rich people giving money back to the people? What a novel concept. And she argues that Nixon was better than Clinton, because he didn't want to be a burden on taxpayers? Anyone who trashes Bill Clinton by comparing him to Nixon should not be allowed back on television, EVER. By the way, she worked for Nixon in his later years. Big surprise. And she wrote two books about him. So, she made money off of his presidency. What a hypocrite.

The only reason Crowley is a regular on the McLaughlin Group is because she's slightly better looking than Tony Blankley. Otherwise, they may as well be the same person. They both have the same tired extreme right-wing takes, and they both have a history with the Washington Times, which up until last year, was run by the Moonies. She needs to get the boot from the McLaughlin Group. Eleanor Clift can be pretty bad about towing her party line, but at least she occasionally agrees with a fair point that someone on the right makes. This is also why I've come around a little bit on Pat Buchanan. He's become more of a right-leaning centrist as he's gotten older (just as McLaughlin has been a life-long Republican, but eventually morphed into more of a centrist). I don't care if people are liberal or conservative; I just appreciate when someone has the ability to look at a different point of view and occasionally see what they mean. Crowley is a lockstep conservative who never has anything of value to add to the show. The only time I can recall her agreeing with a Democrat was when Obama changed his view on off-shore drilling (right before the BP disaster). That was hardly stepping out of her comfort zone, and it was more of a backhanded compliment than anything else. She may as well be reading cue cards written by Michael Steele.

The McLaughlin Group is still my favorite show on television, but she is ruining it.

Movie Review -- Inception

2010-07-19T10:22:00.014-05:00

Christopher Nolan is one of the most exciting filmmakers working today. He exploded onto the scene in 2000 with Memento, a shockingly original puzzler about a short-term amnesiac trying to avenge his wife's death, and it told its tale backwards, in order to recreate the feeling in the viewer of not knowing what happened before. It was very effective, got robbed for the Best Editing Oscar, and still is a compelling view even ten years later. One of the biggest reasons that it remains so strong under repeated views is not just in the plot or editing, but in Guy Pierce's haunting performance. He elicits unexpected empathy for his character, even if Leonard Shelby is basically just a misdirected serial killer. It's one of my favorite films for all of those reasons, and it gained so much good will for Nolan that I've seen everything he's directed on opening weekend ever since. So, regardless of the critics' gushings for his later films, why is Memento still his greatest?

Insomnia was okay for a remake, and could be mistaken for a great film if you haven't seen the Scandinavian original it was based on (rent or Netflix it ASAP; it's dark as hell and gets better with repeated viewings). Batman Begins helped begin the 'franchise reboot' craze, but the performances were mostly flat (Katie Holmes, I'm looking squarely at you), and having Gordon drive the Batmobile almost ruined the entire third act for me. The Prestige was better than I thought it would be, but it still felt long and underwhelming. The Dark Knight is 3/4ths of a great film, but gets bogged down in some groan-worthy deus ex machina near the end. And now we have Inception.

I won't spend too much time with plot details, primarily to leave out spoilers, but also because it gets so complex, it would be easier to just cut-and-paste the entire script here. However, a quick synopsis of 'Heat meets The Matrix' will do. Or maybe 'Oceans 11 meets Nightmare on Elm Street 3'? Essentially, it's about people who go into the dreams of others and steal information, international corporate espionage, hot French women locked in basements, and dreidels.

The film is a technological marvel, as are all of Nolan's other films. It's brilliantly scripted, filmed, edited, and scored. Using dreams in film can be risky, because it's been done so many times before (some have made entire careers out of it), but Nolan partially avoids the 'Is it a Dream?' trap by coming out in the first 30 minutes and acknowledging the use of dreams-within-dreams. Those first 30 minutes are perfect, and explain with few words how dream hacking works, and how you can get around things. Then Nolan's script turns into about 60 minutes of solid exposition, but the editing and score help keep it moving at a snappy pace. Then comes the payoff in the last 60 minutes, and while you need a flowchart to keep up with it, somehow it all makes sense. And then we get to why I say Nolan 'PARTIALLY avoids the trap', which is due to the last few shots. Again, I won't get into spoilers, but I'll just say that part of me thinks it's the perfect ending, and the other part thinks it's a terrible cop-out. After you see it, think of Brazil, and how Gilliam made a commitment to an ending, even though you kinda get both. No 'dream' film I've seen since that one has been as strong, and that includes Inception.

Did I enjoy the film? Yes, I did. Nolan used his post-Dark Knight clout to tell the story exactly how he wanted to, with no studio interference. He spent almost ten years working on the script, mapping out all of the minor details, and it shows. It asks much of its audience, which is especially noble in the 'whiz-bang-boom' of the summer season. It has some good action set pieces (the weightless hallway scene is jaw-dropping), but they are not the reason the film exists. So, what is keeping this good film from being great? It's simple, actually: Nolan created a brilliant spreadsheet of a film, but with no sympathetic characters. DiCaprio has the only role that requires more than one emotion, and he came off as passable, but that's it. I'm not saying he's bad, but the film isn't better because of him. I find this to be the case in almost all of DiCaprio's works. What does it say when his best performance was in 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape'? He stole that film, and hasn't really carried anything since.

For me, a film can't be truly 'great' unless it makes some sort of personal connection to its audience. Inception isn't concerned with such things. It shows you sights and ideas you've never seen in a movie before, and its craft is impeccable. For those reasons alone, it's worth recommending. However, I hope Nolan will eventually create another sympathetic character like Leonard Shelby, or he'll cast an actor strong enough to go outside what's on the page and evoke emotion from his audience.

Some critics are hailing Inception as the next 'masterpiece', as they incorrectly did for The Dark Knight. Perhaps if it would've been released in the 'award season' of December and January, to higher expectations, it would've reviewed a little lower? However, the great news is that Nolan is only 39 years old, and still has a long career ahead of him. I have enough hope in his ability to where I'll go to his next film on opening weekend, no matter what. There aren't too many directors I can say that about right now.

Archer

2010-07-17T23:03:00.004-05:00

When someone tells me a TV show is good, it usually takes them three or four separate mentions before I end up giving it a try. It's never anything personal; I just think that 98% of what's on TV is complete and utter shit. Well, The Miles kept going on and on about Archer, and whaddya know? He was right. It's fucking hilarious. Don't believe me? You can watch the entire first season for free, starting right here:

Archer -- Mole Hunt (Pilot)

If you have Netflix streaming, it's on there too.

There are so many great lines in the show, I had to make a bunch of ringtones from some of them. I was going to host them here, but Blogger.com doesn't let you do that, so let me know if you're interested and I can e-mail them to you (I have about 30 different ones as of right now).

What the hell have I been doing?

2010-07-11T21:18:00.002-05:00

I bet you all thought that this page was turning into a tribute page for all the people we know in our lives who have died or bands that broke up. As the progenitor of this site, I am completely to blame for this lack of activity, or at least as much to blame as the other deadbeats who never post anything here. At least Lord Bling gives us videos to entertain us. I'm going to try to provide an update that actually explains why I haven't been posting as much or at least make up some plausible excuses.

Work- It might be hard to believe when you read what I write, but I actually have a career, a huge part of which is reading and writing. I am a researcher in the health sciences, and I spend countless hours reviewing articles and writing up my own studies. A few years ago, I was a clinician and spent much less of my time doing this sort of thing, so I didn't mind trying to come up with some witty post when I got home from work. Nowadays, if I am not engaged in research, I'm writing emails about my research, reviewing other people's research and writing computer programs to do my research or statistics. I've just made my job sound terrible, but I am one of those sick people who enjoys this existence. I just don't feel like writing as much these days.

School-In addition to working close to full-time, I am also writing my dissertation so that I can get my PhD, which I have been working on since 2007. If you've been in a PhD program or even graduate school, you realize that doing this also requires ridiculous amounts of reading and writing. Do you see a theme here?

Failure to utilize birth control-When I started my PhD program in 2007, I had zero children and my wife was not pregnant. Currently, I have two children under the age of two. For those of you who don't have children, imagine doing all of the activities stated above, but without time or sleep. I love my children most of the time, but the simple fact is that in order to make sure that they don't end up in therapy or shooting people from a clock tower at a local university, I need to spend time with them and sleep when I can.

Hopefully, you're beginning to see why my ability to contribute substantively to this site has been substantially impeded as of late. I'm going to try to be more active here, but I'm also not just going to post crap to have something new here for people to read. That is all.

Best health care in the world? Look to teams that did well in the World Cup (i.e. not the U.S)

2010-07-07T00:05:00.002-05:00

To hear conservatives tell it, you'd think we here in the old U.S. of A. have the best health care system in the world. People who have access to health care in the U.S. have a tendency to fall into this trap because they believe that because they experience something, it must be universal to all people. Other situations where this logical retardation tends to lead to faulty conclusions include global warming (including the incredibly dense and annoying - "It snowed 10 inches this weekend, where's the global warming Al Gore?) and abstinence education (I couldn't get laid in by bow tie and suspenders, so kids shouldn't have any problem avoiding sex until marriage).

A study was published recently, which was summarized in an excellent editorial that you can see at the Lancet, that demonstrated just how bad our health care system is here in this great land where anyone can get an MRI (except poor people) and anyone can get surgery (except people without insurance). The bottom line of the survey - the United States ranks last out of seven countries, despite spending about twice as much as other countries, including those with that oppressive commie, pinko universal health care. The editorial also goes on to discuss what Obama-Care is going to do and not do to change that. If you're an intelligent person that enjoys reading over such activities as spotlighting and making corn cob pipes, it's a good read.

My question is how much fucking evidence do conservatives need that everyone (including their stingy asses) is paying way too much money for shitty health care? We could do better with less money if we just accepted that health care access is a huge part of the problem, paying for people who don't have insurance or wait to seek care until the condition is expensive as fuck to treat because they can't afford to get earlier treatment. How badly have we failed as a country that almost half of the people in this country can't understand that we already have a single-payer system, you just have to bankrupt yourself before you can access it?

There are times where I see how a reasonable person could come to a different conclusion than I do, mostly because I'm certifiably insane. Health care reform is not one of those situations.

RIP Shelfo - Chris Campbell 1978-2010

2010-07-03T22:22:00.004-05:00

I've been lucky enough in my life to have some pretty awesome friends, some of whom are much better than I am lately at keeping this blog alive after almost 6 years. I'm not talking about friends in the Facebook sense neither. Real friends, actual people who are part of all the experiences that make up our lives. I lost a real friend this week, Chris "Shelfo" Campbell, who died too soon Friday at the age of 32.

I met Chris and his twin brother Steve on August 13, 1998, when my roommate at the time, who knew them from high school, and I met them to go to see Tool and the Melvins at Red Rocks (where we ran into Lord Bling). We loaded up in their Jeep Cherokee and headed to the show, as we would do many, many times during the following years for a wide range of other shows including Deftones, Limp Bizkit, Sevendust and Korn, just to name a few. Despite the fact that I didn't have tatoos or any of the other characteristics of a hardcore music fan, both accepted me as the nerdy guy who could remember all the minute details about any band, even when completely intoxicated.

Chris had an incredible passion for music and played bass in the band Headgone. Here is an older, but still great video with Chris on bass, Steve on lead vocals, and even a special appearance by the HCP.

not here (live at Cervantes)

Headgone MySpace Music Videos

Chris was incredibly loyal to his friends and family. One great example of this occurred in 1999 when a group of us including my younger sister were walking to a party in Greeley. Some guys drove by and yelled something at my sister, and being my sister, she yelled something back. The cars stops and two guys jump out and start walking towards my sister like they were going to fight a freshman girl. Before I could even think about what to do, Chris was up defending her with an unopened beer cocked back behind his head like he was going to throw a knucklebeer right off their heads. It took those guys about three seconds to figure out that Chris was going to help them meet their out-of-pocket contribution for their health insurance plans if they didn't get their happy asses back in the vehicle and drive away. As they scampered back to their car, Chris turned and made a joke about how doing steroids makes your balls shrink and leads to bad decision-making.

Over the last few years, Chris and I didn't talk very much, a combination of distance and a mutual lack of effort. I regretted this long before his death, but now that he's gone, I hate the fact that I'll never be able to talk to him again.

Chris, I hope you are at peace, and that you're having a beer with Lynn from Snot (and making fun of Michael Jackson). This song will always remind me of you and the time that Chino stood on us at the Ogden in Denver (plus, Chi sings Max's part):

Caturday, motherfucker, do you speak it?

2010-07-03T09:06:00.001-05:00

RIP -- This Site?

2010-07-02T10:19:00.008-05:00

Dammit, I won't stand by and watch this site die. However, it's pretty boring when I'm the one who writes every post. Why does CowboyLaw have to be a lawyer, doing his legal law thing, for 90 hours a week? Why does the Midge have to spend all his time trying to get his doctorate, punishing his liver, and being a baby daddy? Why does HCP have to spend all day hanging out at Home Depot trying to get hired to carry sheet rock?

Oh well. If you want something done right, sometimes you just gotta do it yourself. So this is gonna count as an update, and I'm giving you stuff too. Don't ever say you didn't get anything from me, you bastards. Over the past couple of months, I made some desktop wallpapers. Maybe you'll like 'em; maybe you won't. But at least it's something new to look at!

I recently watched an old samurai flick called 'The Sword of Doom'. It was really out there. Hard to recommend to most people, but the last six or seven minutes is non-stop insanity. This scene happens earlier, but is very iconic in the genre:

Here's another one where I resized a screenshot from a film. This one's from Saving Private Ryan. If you don't have the Blu-Ray yet, you should pick it up (as soon as Paramount reships it after that recall, although I lucked out and got a good one). If you don't have a Blu-Ray player, well then, I point at you with my snobby finger and laugh. Ha-ha!

Lastly, 'Unforgiven' is one of the greatest films ever made. If you disagree, you are not only wrong, but you're an idiot.

There. A quality update to the site, and not just me posting another YouTube video. 'Quality' of course, being a relative term. Think you can do better? Bring it!

How do you feel about snakes in tunnels?

2010-06-05T12:06:00.003-05:00

I think Tunnel Snake is a pretty cool guy. Eh rules and doesn't afraid of anything.

Video of the Week -- The Greatest Drummer, Ever, OF ALL TIME

2010-06-02T15:28:00.001-05:00

I can't stop laughing.

Ripping Facebook Privacy is the new black

2010-05-26T09:42:00.000-05:00

I read an article the other day on Wired.com that caught my attention, mostly because it captured the paranoia and stupidity that resulted from recent changes in Facebook's privacy policy. The internet now has it's latest dead horse to beat, as Twitter is flooded with people complaining that Facebook is selling their information to advertisers for their own personal gain. Those complaining are trying to say that Facebook is changing the rules that users had previously agreed to and trying to hide their actions in complicated legalese.

As I read these tales of woe, sympathy for Facebook users is not what I am feeling. The idea that a person who voluntarily posts their personal information on a free website for the specific purpose of sharing this information with friends has the expectation of privacy is asinine. Facebook is portrayed as identity thieves, but the user is fully and completely in control of the information they put on the website, as well as who can access the information. It's ironic that people expect photos of them doing bong rips with their friends that they posted for the specific purpose of sharing to be private.

The bottom line is that if you don't like Facebook's privacy policy, suspend your account and stop using the site. Facebook is smart enough to know that their users are too narcissistic and susceptible to peer pressure to stop using their site. Thus far, none of my friends who have been complaining have taken this very obvious step to address the problem, which leads me to question how big of a problem this really is. As far as I can tell, Facebook isn't likely to change their policies simply because people complain. Quit using the site, and they might listen.

Two of the greatest videos ever:

2010-05-21T23:57:00.003-05:00

First, it's Slayer in church. Because God loves us all.

Props to the Yard Gnome for sending that one today.

And then we have an infomercial that makes Meatspin look like the Playboy channel:

Both videos have me in awe of their brilliance. One for making church into satanic metal, and another for being the gayest video in the history of infomercials. If I had a glass of liquor, I'd pour some out for whomever created these.

BTW, I hope you weren't at work when you clicked that Meatspin link.

Isis says 'Good Night'

2010-05-19T14:42:00.006-05:00

One of my favorite bands has called it quits. Isis, a highly influential hard rock / metal band, have decided to part ways at the end of their current tour. They announced it on their MySpace and their blog, and the text is pretty much perfect, just like their music. Here's the key point:

"ISIS has done everything we wanted to do, said everything we wanted to say. In the interest of preserving the love we have of this band, for each other, for the music made and for all the people who have continually supported us, it is time to bring it to a close. We've seen too many bands push past the point of a dignified death and we all promised one another early on in the life of the band that we would do our best to ensure ISIS would never fall victim to that syndrome. We've had a much longer run than we ever expected we would and accomplished a great deal more than we ever imagined possible."

Their first EP and LP both sounded a lot like Godflesh and Neurosis, but then came their second full-length album ('Oceanic'), and they became influential for many other bands to come. 'Oceanic' is still one of my favorite records ever. Lyrically, it's a concept album about a man who falls head-over-heels in love with a woman, who eventually opens up to him about her ... well, I won't go into spoiler territory, but you can read more here. I'll just say that the entire album is epic, especially the track 'Weight', which has one of the greatest builds of any song I've ever heard. Take eleven minutes, put on headphones, then play the video below. Go ahead. I'll still be here when you're done.

They've toured with bands like Tool, and their founder started a record label (Hydra Head) that has an insane variety of artists. While I wasn't a huge fan of their most recent album ('Wavering Radiant'), I didn't like it for the same reason why the band is breaking up: They've said everything they wanted to say already. That album felt like they were running out of inspiration, and so I'm glad they're calling it a day now, instead of dragging on and on, or trying to write 'Oceanic 2'.

Still, I'm gonna miss 'em. They were one of the few bands that I'd always buy their new album, sight unseen and sound unheard.

EDIT: I just found a sweet wallpaper site for bands like Isis, Neurosis, The Ocean, Opeth, Tool, Type O Negative, The Gathering, and more. I downloaded close to 20 of 'em. Kudos to whomever put this together.

Metal at the Public Library

2010-05-14T13:51:00.005-05:00

So, I'm at my local branch of the public library the other day, because 1) I enjoy reading books and 2) Bret Easton Ellis is releasing a new book "Imperial Bedrooms", which follows coked-out icons from his 1985 book "Less than Zero", which non-readers will remembers as a weak film adaptation starring Robert Downey Jr. Bret Easton Ellis has also written a number of other books, which were poorly adapted to the silver screen, like the Rules of Attraction and American Psycho. I read Less than Zero over ten years ago, but I wanted to go back and read it again, to get my head into that space when Imperial Bedrooms is released. But my library doesn't have Less than Zero.

What they did have and what I took a horrible cell phone picture of (my most sincere apologies for that) is the latest album from Demon Hunter, a Christian metal band, who Lord Bling introduced me to some years back. I have almost no interest whatsoever in Christian music, because for the most part, it really sucks. In addition to requiring that the music I listen to sound good, I like music that has complex themes like drug use and Moby Dick. While Demon Hunter's expression of their Christian beliefs does nothing for me, they are decent musicians and I've grown to enjoy their sound. Most of all, I was impressed that the mild-mannered librarians who rolls their eyes at me when I request the latest Chuck Palahniuk or ask if they have any more collections of stories about murder and incest in small towns would think to include Demon Hunter in their stacks.

Keep up the good work, public library. I'll keep voting for local politicians who can read and also like metal.

Would you like to stream a great new death metal album?

2010-05-07T09:58:00.004-05:00

Of course, we all do!

CLICK HERE FOR AWESOMENESS

Misery Index showed some potential in their last two albums (Discordia, Traitors), but this new one is just plain SMOKING. Perhaps they saw how Dying Fetus and The Red Chord raised the bar last year, and decided to do the same. Great grooves, sweet double-bass technique, and throaty-yet-decipherable vocals (that aren't gurgly Cookie Monster like a lot of other death metal nowadays).

They're on tour with Dying Fetus right now, but unfortunately, they're playing Fort Worth on the night I get back late from a work trip. I'll be keeping my eye on Pollstar though.

Movie Review -- Iron Man 2

2010-05-04T22:27:00.007-05:00

I was able to get into a press screening for Iron Man 2 tonight, and figured I'd share my thoughts on it. I promise to keep the spoilers to a bare minimum.

Did you like the first Iron Man film? Odds are good that you did. Well, fear not, because with part 2, you're gonna get the same exact film! Well, not exactly the same film, but still. Marvel, Paramount, and Jon Favreau took absolutely ZERO risks with the characters or story, and that's probably the biggest disappointment I had with it.

Not that I expected them to take any major risks. The first film was a huge surprise, and established Iron Man as one of the top comic book-to-film characters (right behind Batman and Spider-Man). It was so big, I figured that they would stay away from Tony Stark's alcoholism that gave his comic book character some welcome depth. And while you see him drink a martini (and you see him drunk in the suit, in a particularly funny scene), that's it. Favreau (and script writer Justin Theroux) gave his character an issue to deal with, but it's handled way too easily, and then all but forgotten. By the end of the second film, we get pretty much the same Tony Stark we had half-way through the first.

Now, does that mean it's not a decent movie? No. It's still good summer fun. The pacing is a little off, but the story does well enough to pull us through, and the performances are strong. Robert Downey Jr. was fine, although it felt like the film didn't benefit as much from his presence as the first one did. Mickey Rourke does sinister just as well as you'd expect. I needed a shower just from looking at him. Don Cheadle does well to replace Terrence Howard, although he doesn't get much screen time. Samuel L. Jackson gets a couple of good scenes, and there are no snakes or planes in any of them (and he even gets to work in a good eye patch joke!). Gwyneth Paltrow was decent, as she was in the first film. Scarlett Johansson, however, was blah. I thought of using the word 'disappointing', but I can't say I expected anything from her, since I'm yet to see any work of hers that impressed me. She's great eye candy, for sure, but there are plenty of other actresses I'd rather see in the role. For my money though, Sam Rockwell had the most enjoyable performance. You could tell he was having fun with it, and his exchanges with Rourke got the most laughs from the audience.

As for the action, there isn't a ton of it, but what's there is good. The last 20 or 30 minutes is pretty much non-stop, and made up for the two other action scenes that were in the first hour and a half. I don't need 'shit done blowed up' every five minutes, but most of the main set up has already happened in the first film. Again, I liked the story, so it wasn't a problem for me, but I think it's going to be a problem for the majority of the film-going public. However, the CGI is very good. They let the characters in the suits show their faces from time to time, which helped the action not feel like a bunch of spreadsheets fighting each other.

However, as in the first film, the action isn't always perfect. The 'final battle' was no improvement. In fact, it had a lot in common with the final battle from the first film, although this one was a little more in the context of the characters.

In many ways, Iron Man 2 is more of the same. The best 'second' comic book films show the heroes changing (and growing) in one way or another. Superman 2. Spider-Man 2. X-Men 2. The Dark Knight. Because of its unwillingness to take any risks with plot or character, Iron Man 2 is not as good as any of those films. But it's still well-made, fun, and worth your time.

7/10

P.S.: Just like the first film, stay through the credits.

P.P.S.: I want one of those suitcases.

I love Venn Diagrams.

2010-04-29T13:45:00.002-05:00

Obama picked a great time to open up more off-shore drilling!

2010-04-27T09:22:00.013-05:00

42,000 gallons of oil spilling into the ocean every day, right off the coast of Lousiana, and the Coast Guard doesn't consider it a 'very serious spill'? Give me a break. It's going to take more than a month to seal the well. FORTY TWO THOUSAND GALLONS A DAY. FOR A MONTH.

Here's what it looks like right now:

President Obama mentioned opening up more U.S. areas for off-shore drilling during his campaign, but I thought it was more of a ploy to pick up any right-leaning undecideds. Now it looks like a play for votes in this fall's elections, especially since his approval rating has dropped dramatically after the fight for his health care bill.

After these recent events, I hope this rating drops dramatically too. However, the media is doing plenty to hide the story.

Let's play a game! It's called 'Find the Oil Spill Coverage in the 'Liberal' Media!'

I get that the Goldman Sachs executive hearing in the Senate is important, but this oil spill is just a few days away from hitting our shore. Then let's see if the media stops playing 'Where's Waldo' with it.

The Worst Song Ever Written

2010-04-17T20:03:00.007-05:00

I dare you to make it all the way through this.

Wow. That hurt, didn't it? It's like hearing a church sermon from someone with cerebral palsy.

Can you find a song worse than this? If so, paste the link in the comments section. But know that it'll have to top lyrics like these:

"Fucking rainbows after it rains
there's enough miracles here to blow your brains
I fed a fish to a pelican at Frisco bay
It tried to eat my cell phone, he ran away"

"Water, fire, air and dirt
Fucking magnets, how do they work?
And I don't wanna talk to a scientist
Y'all motherfuckers lying, and getting me pissed"

"Magic everywhere in this bitch"

Wow, that's DEEP.

EDIT: Saturday Night Live made fun of this video last night! See it here.

Two Things to Note:

2010-04-14T14:34:00.003-05:00

1. TheMiles has recently launched a video game blog, called 'TL;DR'. That stands for 'too long, didn't read', which is a joke about people who are too lazy to read a long post. It's a good site, and he references our blog there too, so go support the scene!

2. Even though it's not out until May 4th, the Deftones have released a second single off of their new album. It's the title track, called 'Diamond Eyes'. It's a great song, and even better than the first single (posted earlier here).

Deftones - Diamond Eyes (Official)

Deftones | MySpace Music Videos

Why I've Stopped Playing Call of Duty

2010-04-11T13:19:00.004-05:00

I've given up on Call of Duty. I haven't played competitive multiplayer in almost two months. But why the drastic change? I've been very vocal in the past of my support of the series (and of the developer, Infinity Ward). I put about 15 days into the multiplayer in Modern Warfare 1. I even picked Modern Warfare 2 as the top game of 2009. But sadly, the honeymoon is over. Here's why:

1. The multiplayer in MW2 is broken. The more people play a game online, the more issues and glitches that will come up. Modern Warfare 2 is one of the best selling video games of all time, and consistently at the top of the 'most played' list on Xbox Live every week. Combine this with the lack of a public beta, and you're in for a glitch-laden experience. Infinity Ward did a public beta for Modern Warfare 1, and it not only helped them work out a lot of glitches and exploits, but it was also a good PR move. It got the word out on the changes to the game, and people loved it. But for MW2, they said they didn't need to do a public beta. From a PR perspective, they were right. However, from a testing perspective, they couldn't have been more wrong. At or around launch, there were problems with the Model 1887 shotgun, javelin suicide bombers, 10th Prestige hacks, care package speed runs, infinite emergency airdrops, etc. While these have all been patched, there is still a myriad of issues. I could make a lengthy post for these glitches, but let's just say there are still a LOT.

2. Their downloadable content is uninspired and overpriced. In Modern Warfare 1, they released a downloadable map pack for ten dollars. It had four new maps. Now, they've released five maps for fifteen bucks, and two of these are copy/paste jobs from Modern Warfare 1 (Crash, Overgrown). The worst part? Activision marketed this as 'A Cure for Mapathy'. It's as if they said, 'Are you tired of playing the same old maps in MW2? Then you should pay more to download two maps that you just spent the last two years playing!' It's a slap in the face to fans of the series.

3. I've been playing Battlefield: Bad Company 2 instead. I NEVER thought this game would be as good as it is. I liked the earlier Battlefield games, but I wasn't expecting this. The graphics aren't as sharp or 'crisp' as Modern Warfare 2, but the maps are enormous, and I'll gladly take that trade-off. To show just how large they are, take a look at this:

There are also a lot of features that make the gameplay deeper. There are tons of vehicles, including a pilotable UAV. If you play as a medic, you can actually defibrilate recently-killed teammates and bring them back to life. You can 'spot' enemies for your teammates to track them for a few seconds. The developers allow online stat tracking, and it's insanely deep. And the best thing of all? There are no game-changing glitches. The M60 is overpowered, but it's not a deal-breaker by any stretch. If you get in a good group of people, you can play for hours and not notice the time flying by.

Call of Duty used to be that way. I'm rooting for them to make a comeback with the next one, but with all of the changes going on right now at Infinity Ward, I'm not counting on it.

So, what have you been playing lately?

The Secret Life of No Not The Bees!

2010-03-29T18:48:00.002-05:00

I made this tonight. If you've seen the remake of The Wicker Man, you might appreciate it.

Destination Playstation

2010-03-19T11:35:00.002-05:00

I'm back, from a long week in Scottsdale, AZ, for a trade show (Destination Playstation). Had 15 meetings with accounts, and am exhausted. Slept 12 hours last night, and still feel like I could do 12 more. But it was great to also see so many industry friends, and even got to make a few new ones. Also got to try the new Playstation Move (like the Wii, but better!), and Gran Turismo 5 and MLB 10: The Show were both playable in 3D (which was really impressive, and has me considering picking up one of those TVs at some point in the future (they hit this summer sometime)). And, I also got to see The Brian Setzer Orchestra, who was the featured entertainment on Wednesday night. I saw him in 1997 in Greeley, and he put on a hell of a show. The ticket was only a buck (with UNC student ID). Then I saw him this week, for free, and even though he's now in his 50's, he still destroyed live. Got to shake his hand at the end of the set, and I feel like I should've slipped him the ten dollar bill I had in my wallet. Seeing him twice for only a dollar feels like I've ripped him off. Be sure to make a point of seeing him live if you never have. It doesn't matter what kind of music you like; you'll enjoy yourself at his show.

Hope you are all doing well...

Video of the Week -- The Greatest Thing You Will Ever See

2010-03-10T21:41:00.001-06:00

You think I'm joking? Just watch.

See? I told you.

Video of the Week -- Aries Spears

2010-03-05T11:33:00.001-06:00

Loving his Arnold impersonation:

Thanks to Cijoy for sending.

Video of the Week -- OMG, NEW DEFTONES TRACK

2010-02-24T09:35:00.001-06:00

No intro needed. Enjoy.

I learned everything I needed to know about sales from 'Step Brothers'

2010-02-17T14:15:00.004-06:00

Earnin' and burnin'. Snappin' necks, and cashin' checks.

Modern Warfare 2 -- Spec Ops mode

2010-02-12T08:04:00.003-06:00

I finally got all 69 stars in Modern Warfare 2's 'Special Ops' mode, after many frustrating hours of attempts. Two missions kept pissing me off. Then I found this video for one of them (Terminal):

It totally worked! After about seven or eight tries, I nailed it no problem. I was trying to use a riot shield and 'turtle' up in a corner whenever I was about to die. As it turns out, that was the wrong approach.

Now about that other mission, Wetwork:

Looks easy, doesn't it? He completes it twice in under five minutes. Yet, it took about five hours for me to replicate. Five painfully frustrating hours. Shotgunning guys on the first staircase NEVER worked out that easily, because the accuracy on it is terrible, and usually they just fall to the ground in 'last stand' and fire a pistol at you (and block the staircase, since you can only step over dead bodies). If your timing and placement with flashbangs is off by half a second, or if your aim with the AT4 launcher is off by a foot, you'll get killed and have to start over. But, when I finally finished the mission, I stood up, and said, 'IT IS ACCOMPLISHED!'

Nice.

2010-02-11T19:45:00.002-06:00

see more Hacked IRL - Truth in Sarcasm

Check out hackedirl.com . Giving me some ideas for local billboards.

Need another reason to hate Tim Tebow?

2010-01-31T14:49:00.004-06:00

Bible-thumping Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow and his mother are starring in a commercial during next weekend's Super Bowl. It's funded by Focus on the Family, and is about how Tim's mother was told by her ob-gyn that she needed to abort him, or else she may die from complications. But she didn't, and now aren't we all better off, blah blah blah.

It's bad enough that we're all going to see religious propaganda during the most-watched sporting event in the nation. Even worse is that it's not entirely true. Tebow's mother was on a mission trip in the Philippines in 1987 when this happened. Abortion has been illegal in the Philippines under any circumstance since 1930. Any doctor found guilty of performing the service can be sentenced to six years in jail. So yeah, there's that.

A coalition of womens' rights groups are protesting CBS, and Gloria Allred has recently joined them. Also, CBS recently rejected a Super Bowl ad for a closeted gay men's dating website. Let's all hope that the Chenbot will threaten her aging billionaire husband with a pussy boycott.

Video of the Week -- DayJobOrchestra

2010-01-21T13:53:00.002-06:00

DayJobOrchestra is a group of guys on YouTube who do lip-synched dubs over TV shows and press conferences. Here are a couple of my favorites (from Star Trek: The Next Generation):

Finally, something we can ALL agree on:

2010-01-17T19:23:00.004-06:00

I'm a Uniter, not a Divider.

Video of the Week -- Rock Out With Your Cock Out

2010-01-12T09:00:00.002-06:00

First, there was Grindcore Baby. Now, behold the Death Metal Rooster:

Global Warming? Not where I live.

2010-01-11T08:54:00.002-06:00

One aspect of living in Nebraska that I've had to learn to live with is the abundance of people who lack critical thinking skills. You may argue that stupid people exist in every place, and it is absolutely true that I haven't found a place on earth yet without them. Places like Nebraska seem to exist simply to give stupid people a place where they can be "out" and free to express their stupidity. It's like San Francisco for morons.

The current best example that I can give you is the prevalence of comments related to lack of global warming during our incredibly cold weather that we've been having since the beginning of December. Without a doubt, this has been a winter for the ages. Omaha received over 2 feet of snow in December, which I believe is a record. The temperature here has not been above freezing since December 30th, when the high temp was a balmy 33 degrees. Last Friday, our high temperature was around 0 degrees. The HIGH temperature.

This cold hellish existence has sparked the usual stream of comments that because it is cold on the one place that I happen to be on Earth during the winter, global warming must be another one of Al Gore's inventions. Much more intelligent responses to this kind of thinking have been published other places, but the point that I would like to make is that if you think that cold weather in the winter disproves global warming, you invalidated your ability to join in this discussion.

Why is this evidence that you are an idiot? First of all, there is very little scientific controversy about whether or not global warming is actually occurring. The controversy is whether or not human actions have caused warming and if anything can be done at this point to reverse the trend. Most importantly, the Earth is a big fucking place. Past experience tells us that January is the coldest time of the year in this part of the country. A snow storm in January in Omaha is hardly even remarkable. And despite what you might think, the weather in Omaha is not representative of what's going on across the entire planet.

One of the biggest travesties about global warming is that it's a scientific issue that has become political, primarily because of Al Gore's involvement since serving as Clinton's Vice President. People who can read will tell you that Gore's interest in global warming did not pop up over night because he was bored after he "lost" the 2000 Presidential Election. Gore wrote Earth in the Balance, long before anyone uttered the words "An inconvenient truth". Gore has been the greatest advocate for increasing public awareness of global warming, but his political background has created resistance from conservatives who criticize him for thinking he invented the Internet.

The discussion of what causes global warming and how it can be changed is ongoing and controversial. Intelligent people do not agree on these issues. One thing they can all agree on is that if you believe that cold weather in Omaha negates global warming, you should probably keep digging those ditches for a living.

Donkeys choke again

2010-01-03T18:13:00.004-06:00

I originally picked the Donks to go 4-12. They ended up going 8-8, which was actually worse. This last loss, an embarrassing defeat to the Chiefs, kept them out of the playoffs for a fourth straight year. Josh McDaniels showed his immaturity once again (in benching Marshall and demoting Scheffler), and unlike his alienation of Cutler, this time it worked against him. I'm almost considering pulling a 'Cowboylaw' and ditching my favorite NFL team for a worse one.

CLEVELAND ROCKS!

Lord Bling's favorite movies of 2009 (and of the past decade)

2010-01-03T16:16:00.007-06:00

I originally wanted to make a 'Top Ten' film list for 2009, similar to my video game and album lists, but there's still so much that was released in 2009 that I haven't seen (Up in the Air, The Road, Crazy Heart, etc.). So, I'll just talk briefly about ten films I liked last year (in alphabetical order).

500 Days of Summer -- A brilliant directorial debut. It didn't quite connect with me as strongly as it did with some other people, but it's still a very good film. The 'Expectations vs. Reality' split-screen scene is simple, yet genius. And Joseph Gordon-Levitt's performance almost makes up for his appearance in the horrific G.I. Joe!

Avatar -- I had no expectations for this film, and was pleasantly surprised. The script is so-so, and the last hour goes through the motions, but it's an 'event' movie that deserves the title. Also, see it in 3-D. It adds a great level of depth to the visuals.

District 9 -- Another great directorial debut. If Neill Blomkamp can keep making films like this, that Halo movie should just stay in Development Hell.

The Hangover -- Not quite as funny as all your friends told you, but still a very good comedy. Break-out performances from all three leads. My only concern is that most of the laughs come from the 'discovery' of what happened that fateful night. I'm not sure if it will be as funny on a second viewing, but I plan on finding out soon.

The Hurt Locker -- Jeremy Renner will get an Oscar nod for his work here, and deservedly so. I'm not as 'in love' with this film as some critics are: Anthony Mackie's performance was very one-note, and the sniper scene in the second act was tense, but felt false. However, it's a strong film, and definitely worth your time. It's also good to see Kathryn Bigelow make a comeback, as she's been due ever since the great Strange Days in 1995.

Inglourious Basterds -- Quentin Tarantino is still the best American director working today. Some felt it's too talky, but I disagree. The most dialogue-heavy scenes (opening, basement bar) are crackling with tension. Also, the Academy should just hand Christoph Waltz the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor right now. He completely steals the film.

Moon -- My favorite science fiction movies focus on ideas more than effects, and this is no exception. It's truly 'old-school' sci-fi, filmed on a tiny budget, and is all the stronger for it.

Up -- Pixar continues its mastery of the 'family' genre by making films that are aimed almost squarely at adults. Monsters Inc. is still my favorite of theirs, but this one may end up a close second. The opening 15 minutes contains what may be one of the greatest montages ever (yes, even beating out the one from Team America).

Watchmen -- Those who liked it and those who didn't can both agree on one thing: This is as good as a film version of the influential graphic novel could ever be. Jackie Earle Haley is flawless as Rorshach. Over $100 million domestic box office, and yet it's considered a 'flop'. Sad.

Zombieland -- THE best cameo of the year, without question (I won't say who it is, as to not spoil it). Woody Harrelson pulls off both funny and intimidating, and does it convincingly. However, anyone who tells you that this is better than Shaun of the Dead is as brain-dead as a zombie from either film.

BONUS LIST! Of the films I saw in the past decade, here are my ten favorite (as of today ... subject to change!):

1. Oldboy
2. Memento
3. Mulholland Drive
4. Bus 174
5. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
6. Wonder Boys
7. The Grey Zone
8. The Fog of War
9. Gangs of New York
10. Audition

We Need Healthcare Reform: A First-Person (Horizontal) Perspective

2010-01-03T12:23:00.004-06:00

Anyone who says America has the greatest health care in the world has either never experienced much of it first-hand, or has no perspective. I got to celebrate this 3-day weekend largerly in the company of America's healthcare community, and my experience reconfirmed my long-held suspicion that many, if not most, mainstream healthcare decisions in this country turn not on the question of what is necessary or helpful for the patient, but on what the healthcare provider will be able to bill for and collect. While it may seem pretentious for me, a mere patient, to criticize American healthcare on a blog run by someone who's actually in the biz (and whose beautiful wife is also in the biz), pretention never stopped me in the past. And so, herewith, a first-person (horizontal) perspective on why we need to euthanize our current healthcare system.

Our story starts on Thursday, December 31, when our hero (me) wakes up not feeling so great. Kinda flu-y. I stay home from work, participate in a few conference calls, shit soup a few times, the usual stuff. Around noon, I start getting these amazing intestinal cramps. Now, this is not a new experience to me. About 2 years ago, I got diagnosed with Crohn's Disease (a mild case, thankfully), and every few months, I get to experience my digestive tract grinding to halt. In the past, this meant a painful afternoon, but by the next morning, I'd be back to good. I followed the same course of treatment this time: ignored the pain (and by ignored, I mean I had a few drinks to take the edge off), went to bed, hoped for the best.

The next morning (Friday, 1/1/10) was not the best, however. In fact, it was much, much worse. The pain was now nearing heroic levels. I've had kidney stones before, and I would say (and got to say several times that day) that the pain I was in was very comparable. So: pretty bad. After getting up, I sat on the couch for about 5 minutes before telling Amy it was time to head to the hospital. If only to get Daddy some pain meds. 15 minutes later, I was standing in the emergency room of the local hospital. 8:30 a.m. on New Years' Day turned out to be a good time to visit the ER. As I stood at the check-in desk, visibly sweating, audibly panting, eyes closed, having a hard time speaking, I got to answer questions like "what is your religious preference?" It was all I could do not to say that I belong to the Holy and Sacred Church of Give Me Fucking Demerol Right Fucking Now, but I knew from previous experiences that this would not help. After answering approximately 48 questions and handing over my drivers license and insurance card, I got ushered into the waiting room. ER waiting rooms are like the first ring of Dante's Inferno: no one is happy, but no one is complaining much, either. We all know we're doomed, we all know there's nothing we can do about it, but there's not much point in talking about it, either. In the waiting room with me were: a 20-something hipster in Japanese denim and a hoodie, who spent all his time IM'ing on his Iphone, from which I deduced that he had taken his New Years date here after she OD'd; and a small family of Mexicans who had apparently brought a quilt with them, and were snuggled up under it while watching TV.

After 10 minutes or so, I was called into another room to answer the same 48 questions all over again. Thus began the first pattern I noticed in my journey through the health care system: everyone asks questions because they're on a form, and the questioner always dutifully fills out the form to prove he or she asked the questions, and then the form apparently is either destroyed or filed in the same warehouse where they keep the Ark of the Covenant (Top....Men), because no one you meet during your journey shows any evidence of being even vaguely familiar with any information you gave anyone at any previous stage in your journey. It's like being treated by the guy from Memento. A second pattern began to develop here, too, a pattern I call Everyone Hears But No One Listens. I don't want to spoil the pattern for you, so I'll just say that, in this conversation, I told the woman that many previous encounters with pain had demonstrated that I don't respond at all to morphine. It makes me light-headed, but I get no pain relief at all.

From this room, I get ushered into another room, given one of those nice hospital "gowns" to put on, and told to wait. About 15 minutes later, a new person walks in and asks me the same 48 questions all over again (the running summary is as follows. Time in ER: 40 minutes. Different people seen: 3. Times asked the 48 questions: 3. Logical staffing decisions made by local healthcare monopoly: 0.). When she inquires as to my pain level, I give her the kidney stone analogy, and tell her that I have been dosed with morphine many times in the past, and have never responded to it at all. She responds and says there are some other drugs they have that they can try. I smile and thank her. She leaves.

15 minutes later, she reappears (this marks the first time I see the same person twice--this is my official ER nurse. She will also be almost the only marginally competent person I will encounter in my entire journey. I like her.) with an IV kit and some other stuff. I smile: pain relief is, at long last, on the way. She sets the IV and flushes it with saline (apprently a common procedure, as this will be done approximately 2 dozen times during the next 24 hours, and every time they stuff a few dozen cc's of saline in my left arm vein, I can taste it, which seems odd. When I write a book about my experiences with the health care system, it will be called Tastes Like Saline: My Journey Through The Medical Looking Glass.) Then, she announced that she has my painkiller: morphine. (Seriously, anyone who didn't see this coming needs to pay more attention.) I told her again (now the third time I'd gone out of my way to make this observation) that I don't respond to morphine, and she said that the doctor said to try it anyway. I made a mental note to nutpunch the doctor when I met him, and settled in for another 30 minutes of pain.

30 minutes later, I'm dizzy, but still in pain. The ER nurse comes back in to check on me and asks how things are going. I tell her it's basically the same, plus lightheadedness, and she leaves to get me Dilaudid, which worked like a charm. It also kept me in more or less no frame of mind whatsoever, which is why the details for the next 6 hours are a little more sparse. Now mostly pain-free, I met the doctor for the first time. She had no nuts to punch, and appeared to be 14 years old. I told her that my experiences for the last 24 hours were very similar to other epsiodes of Crohn's flare-ups that I've experienced in the past, only more so. This is the second person I've given this bit of information to. The doctor gives me an 8-ounce cup of vaguely fruity, extra-thick water to drink. Even in my blissed-out state, I know what this means. When the second cup comes an hour later (along with another miligram of Dilaudid), I down it, too. Pretty soon, I'm skimming my way up to the CT scanner. 20 minutes later, I'm back down in the same room in ER I've occupied for the last several hours.

Around 11:00, the doctor comes in to tell me they're admitting me. The CT scan shows some inflamation in my lower abdomen, which could be Crohn's (gee, you think?) or it could be appendicitus. Some unnamed surgeon is going to look at the scan and decide what needs to be done. They take about 4 gallons of blood out of my arm for testing, which the surgeon will also review. Being admitted to the hospital means, among other things, that I'll never see the ER nurse again, because all hospital staffing is done on a turf basis, not on the basis of whether the individual has valuable knowledge that could help in the treatment of the patient. Besides, all that knowledge has been written down onto forms, as noted earlier. So, I'm whisked up into the hospital proper.

In my hospital room, I am introduced to my treating nurse, which beings another lesson in modern healthcare that I'll call Say That Again in English. As much as it pains me, as a far-left liberal, to say this, it seems clear to me that, in critical healthcare settings, such as hospital nurses, total fluency in the English language is pretty much a requirement of the job. It's just not safe any other way. And yet, beginning with my admission to the hospital proper, my encounters were almost exclusively with people who had only a passing aquaintance with English. Including my hospital nurse. When she stuck her head in, around 11:30, both Amy and I informed her that I needed more painkiller. She said she would check and be right back. About noon, she came back with morphine, which she said the records indicated was what I was being treated with. Notice how this could have been avoided had my ER nurse followed me up? Amy and I informed her that was wrong, that my chart should have Dilaudid on it, and that the pharmacy should know this. She said she would check on that, but first, she had 48 questions she needed me to answer. I realize, in retrospect, that I should have refused to answer until I got my Dilaudid. Since all she cared about was getting her 48 questions answered, maybe refusing to answer would have motivated her to get on the ball. But, instead, like a compliant patient, I answered the questions for the fourth time.

Around 1:00, now back in serious pain, I hit the nurse call button to inquire as to my pain meds. Another woman appeared, and told me she would get my nurse. As she left, another woman came in to take my blood pressure and tempreture for about the eighth time. When she was done, she asked me "If I get wait, can you stand?" I stared blankly at her, and then asked her to repeat herself. She asked, "If I go get the wait, can you stand on it?" After staring at her for maybe 8 more hours, I asked "Do you mean the scale? Can I stand on a scale? I'm sure I can." She then left, and a minute later, came back, pulling a large device that said, in 30-point font "Excelon Medical Scale." I stood on it, and it told her my weight, which she wrote down. I have to ask: obviously, weighing people with a scale is part of this person's every-day job. She must do it a dozen times a day or more. The equipment itself says "scale" on it in large, capital letters. How in the name of 8-pound, 6-ounce baby Jesus can she not know what the scale is called? How can this inspire me to be confident that I'm going to get decent treatment at this hospital?

As the Go Get Wait girl left, another woman came in to tell me my nurse was on her lunch break, but would be back promptly at 1:40 to check on me. At 2:00, my nurse stuck her head in and asked what I wanted. Given that her inattentiveness had, over the last 3 hours, plunged me from blissful, Dilaudid-induced peace into pain-filled Hell, I couldn't very well tell her what I really wanted, because it involved her and Pinhead meeting in a dark alley in another dimension, so I instead asked, again, about my painkiller. She left to go find out. At 2:30, I hit the nurse call button, and another woman asked me what I wanted, and I barely avoided saying "Tran's head on a pike" (Tran being my nurse). The woman left to go find Tran. At 3:15, I hit the button again. Another woman appeared, and when I inquired as to Tran, informed me that Tran had gone off-shift at 3:00, and another nurse would be taking care of me. When I asked to see her, I was informed she was in the shift-change meeting until 3:30, but the woman would tell the nurse to come check on me immediately. When I was initially informed, at 1:00ish, that Tran was on lunch break, it seemed totally reasonable. However, in retrospect, when someone who clocks out at 3:00 goes on lunch break at 1:00, the message really is "I'm done for the day." That break is calculated so that, after lunch, you have only an hour before you're off-shift, and nothing useful can be done in an hour. It's clever, but allowing nurses to do things like that isn't really patient-friendly.

The new nurse, Jorene, indeed did come in at almost 3:30, and politely inquired what she could do for me. Suffice it to say, Jorene and I got off on the wrong foot. It wasn't my fault, and it wasn't hers, but she was now following the elephant parade with a pooper-scooper, as people sometimes say, and even though it was her predecessor who royally screwed the pooch, the wrath fell on Jorene. She sucked it up, and went looking for my painkiller. Thankfully, Jorene was almost as competent as my ER nurse, and by 4:00, I was back on the Dilaudid pony. The pain issue having been resolved, I asked whether the unnamed surgeon had looked at my CT scan and decided what to do. Jorene said the surgeon hadn't looked at the chart, but that she would call and see if the surgeon could do so and come up and talk to me. I can only assume that the surgeon's pressing golf game had kept her (as it turned out) from looking at my scan for the last 4 hours. Jorene must have been convincing, because at 4:30, the surgeon came in to tell me that the CT scan was really inconclusive (thanks, doc!). It showed some lower abdominal inflamation that could be appendicitus, or it could be Crohn's related. She puts me on antibiotics, and says they're going to "watch me." Later, I openly bet Jorene that "watch me" means they're going to see if my appendix bursts, because, if so, it was probably appendicitus.

The surgeon leaves, and Jorene returns to hook me up to the antibiotics machine. I ask Jorene if I can have some water, because it's been almost 24 hours since I had any, and I'm losing my voice. Jorene says I can't have water, because they might operate on me. I note that it's 4:30, and ask if they're seriously going to operate on me tonight, such that I can't have even a cup of water. Jorene answers Sphinx-like, telling me that, in the hospital, they can operate at any time. Jorene leaves, and the battle of Man versus Antibiotics Machine begins. I'm hooked up to some kind of Abbot Labs device that chugs like a small steam engine, clicking and whirring at odd intervals, apparently pumpting antibiotics into my IV. The problem is that, if I so much as twitch my left arm (into which the IV is set), the machine stops pumping at sets off an annoying alarm-clock-like alarm. After the fourth or fifth time, Amy and I learn how to reset the machine (turn it to Hold, then back to On, and it chugs on). The fact that this thing is so extremely sensitive, and unable to figure out for itself that it can continue pumping without human interaction to switch it on and off, leads me to conclude it was developed to pump things into people in a coma.

At 6:00, Jorene returns to dose me again, and to tell me I'm being transfered to another hospital in the system, because a GI specialist is visiting that hospital tomorrow and will decide what to do with me. I note that the transfer sounds like it means no surgery for tonight, so how about some fricking water? Jorene counters with a pitcher full of ice chips, possible the most useless treatment for thirst since sand-in-a-cup was invented. When she leaves, Amy counters with the ever popular "dump out the pitcher of ice chips in the bathroom and fill the pitcher with water from the sink" move. I drink the entire pitcher of water, and feel much, much better. Contrary to popular medical opinion, the Earth does not shatter into a million tiny pieces as a result of me having some water.

At 7:00, the transfer team appears to tote me to the other hospital. I call the transfer team The Friendliest San Francisco Lesbians In The History of Ever (TFSFLITHE, for short), and I wish I had gotten their names and numbers, because I would love go to drinking at dive bars with them. They were friendly, and funny, and I know for a fact they were both honest-to-goodness lesbians because one of them talked to me about the apartment she was renting with her partner, and the other one looked like a 12-year-old Iowa boy, complete with buzz-cut. And they muscled my considerable frame up and down on the transfer cart without so much as a grunt.

At 8:00, I was at the new hospital, and apparently my entire course of treatment had changed. No more antibiotics. Instead, anti-inflamatories and steriods. Painkillers came right on time. The room was nicer, the TV was bigger, and Amy had gone home for the night (at my insistence). My new nurse asked me the 48 questions again. When she left, an intern came in. The intern broke all past stereotypes (except that she was Asian), insofar as: she actually had read my chart, and asked questions that showed she knew what had gone on in the past, and listened to things I had to say. And she earned a special place in my heart because she agreed to let me have a glass of cranberry juice. I had asked four or five times in the past, but had always been denied, never for any good reason. Finally, someone acknowledged that they definitely weren't going to cut me up in the near future, so some cranberry juice would be fine. It was fantastic!

At 10:00, my nurse came back in to give me my pain meds, and I didn't need any. I was actually feeling really good. I assured her I would hit the button if I was in pain, but otherwise, I'd really just like to sleep. She shut off the lights, and closed the door, and I fell asleep. For a half-hour. Because that's when another person came in to check my blood pressure, tempreture, heart rate, and weigh me again. When the subject of weighing me came up, I pointed out that I had been weighed approximately 7 hours ago, and I doubted my weight had changed much. She countered that my weight wasn't written down anywhere in my chart. It didn't occur to me to ask her to look and see if the word "scale" was written down anywhere, with some numbers next to it. This woman left, and left the light on and the door open. Thanks! No, really: I'll just get up and turn the lights off and close the door. Which I did, and then went back to sleep. For a half-hour. Which was when another person came in to take an absolute shit-ton of blood samples for testing. When she announced this, I told her I had already had a lot of blood work done earlier that day, and asked whether any of the test results where in my records. This apparently flustered her, and she shuffled a lot of papers back and forth for a few minutes, and then said "every doctor mostly wants his own tests." She then took 8 or so vials of blood from three different locations on two different arms (both mine). As Vampyra was leaving, my nurse came in and asked if there was anything I needed. I said, rather bluntly, that all I wanted was to sleep. I got my wish.

At 8:00 the next day, I woke up, and I felt great. Someone came in a took my blood pressure, tempreture, and heart rate for the 77nd time in the last 24 hours. Then a Russian woman came in and told me she was going to hook me up to an EKG machine. Surprised, I asked why. She looked at some papers, and half-said, half-asked "You're having chest pains?" I told her I had never had chest pains in my life, not to mention that I hadn't had any recently. She responded that the doctor wanted an EKG reading, and the test wouldn't hurt. This brings me to another great revelation about American health-care: it's the Great American Involuntary Dim Sum Restaurant. Anyone who's been to a dim sum restaurant knows the deal: waitresses push big carts from table to table, show you what they've got, you say what you want, they stamp your bill with some magic stamp, then leave, then the next cart pulls up a few minutes later. At the end of the day, some old Chinese woman looks at the magic stamps and figures out how much you owe. It's much the same in American healthcare, except that you don't get to choose what you get from each cart. Instead, the person selling the food gets to chose. They roll the cart up to you, size you up (or, more likely, size up your insurance), and then unload whatever they want. Maybe it's something you want, like pain meds or BBQ pork buns. Maybe it's something you don't want, like extra blood tests or chicken feet. Maybe it's something you absolutely don't need, like EKG tests or lobster thermadore. Doesn't matter. They stamp your ticket, and your insurance pays. It's one of the only industries where the person getting the money decides, unilaterally, how much money you're going to give them.

At 10:00, I finally see the GI doctor. We talk for 15 minutes or so, and he concludes that whatever was wrong with me has passed (thanks for that revelation, doc!), and that I'm free to go. His leaving marked another great revelation in the working of the modern, American healthcare system, which I call 5 Minutes With the Great and Powerful Oz. In my 30 hours in the hospital, I spent approximately 30 minutes in the same room with an actual doctor. Every other contact I had was with nurses or staff, many of the barely-English-speaking variety. Every request I made, every question I had, had to be run through "the doctor." But "the doctor," (and there were at least 5 doctors I spent time with) didn't know me, hadn't spoken to me, didn't know my history, etc. etc. How was "the doctor" supposed to make smart decisions about things like what painkiller to give me, whether to let me have water, or whether to run EKG tests, if "the doctor" had never met or spoken to me? Either the nurses were lying to me about the necessity of all decisions going through "the doctor" (very possible) or the mysterious, absent "doctor" was making all these decisions based solely on information communicated to him or her through my often-not-fluent-in-English nurses. If it's the latter, that's got to be the scariest game of Telephone ever played, because it's the patient's life that's on the line.

The GI doctor leaving also marked the beginning of the stall-the-patient period of my treatment. Remember: the doctor said I was fine, and free to go. I was certainly ready to go. The GI doctor's only condition was that I had to demonstrate that I could handle clear liquids. Given that I had drank 2 pitchers of water already that morning (supplied, this time, by the nurse, thanks to the intervention of the intern), I considered that condition pretty much fulfilled. A half-hour after the doctor left, I buzzed the nurse to see what was going on. She said the doctor had ordered a plate of clear liquid foods for me to ingest, then I could go. I pointed out the pitchers of water I had drunk, but the Great and Powerful Oz had spoken, and I apparently needed to demonstrate that I could swallow beef broth as easily as I could swallow water. It took the clear liquids almost 2 hours to get to my room. I downed them, then hit the nurse buttom, and proudly showed off my empty plate. The nurse said "the doctor" needed to see me, then I could get discharged. I waited for 90 minutes for "the doctor," who was a different doctor than any I'd seen before. He apologized for being late, shook my hand, said I was free to leave, apologized again for being late, and left. He was in my room for less than 3 minutes. WTF was this about? Why was this necessary? Why had I had to wait for an hour and a half for this 3 minute fly-by with Dr. Know-Nothing?

At the end of the day, American medicine had worked in exactly the way that internal medicine often works: they had taken care of the symptoms (pain) and monitored my condition while my body fixed itself. Along the way, I met exactly 3 people who showed any real interest in my condition (not counting TFSFLITHE, who were extra sweet). Everyone else was just punching the clock. At every single hand-off (ER to hospital, shift nurse to shift nurse, and hospital to hospital), all accumulated knowledge about me, my problem, and what had been done to date disappeared entirely, and we started all over again. While no one on the medical side professed to have any idea why I suddenly got better, I will point out the following: from the beginning, I told everyone who treated me that this felt exactly like other Crohn's flare-ups I'd had, just worse. During my time in the first hospital, I was treated solely as though this was appendicitus (antibiotics, and waiting to see if my appendix burst). When I was transferred to the second hospital, I was treated as though my symptoms were Crohn's-related (anti-inflamatories and steriods). Within 3 hours, I felt completely better. It's hard not to infer a conclusion here.

I am fascinated to see what this all will cost. I know it will cost me almost nothing, and I know that hospitals count on this fact when they treat you. I'm no great fan of insurance companies, and it felt odd for me to be complaining about receiving treatment on the basis that I didn't think it was fair to bill my insurance for something so completely unnecessary, but the excesses of treatment I received reached the point where no rational person would be undisturbed. I left with the distinct impression that almost nothing about my visit seemed to be governed by logic or the desire to effectively treat me. So many easy changes could be made that would have dramatically improved my treatment, including letting my ER nurse follow me to the hospital wing and continue treating me, a small change that would have prevented 4+ hours of horrible pain while my new nurse tried to figure out my pain meds, took her late lunch break, and ignored me until the end of my shift. But this structure didn't happen spontaneously---it's here because it makes hospitals money under the current system. And without fundamental changes to that system, you shouldn't expect to see things change.

Lord Bling's Top 10 Favorite Video Games of 2009

2009-12-26T09:52:00.041-06:00

The music list is down, now on to video games! One fair warning (and this applies to the music list as well): I'm not a professional critic, and didn't get to play everything this year, so a couple that might have made my list (Assassin's Creed 2, Dragon Age: Origins) didn't get played before the year was out. I'll play 'em next year and hopefully will post mini-reviews afterwards. Also, I don't have a gaming PC, so anything PC-exclusive would not have been played.

10. MadWorld (Wii). The bloodiest game of 2009, hands down. It's so over-the-top that it's like a playable Itchy and Scratchy cartoon. Great tongue-in-cheek moments throughout, and the Wii motion controls (usually annoying in most games) fit in perfectly here. Also, the running commentary by Greg Proops and John DiMaggio is one-of-a-kind, and laugh-out-loud funny. (In the interest of full disclosure: I work for Sega, but that doesn't change the fact that it's a fun and funny game.)

9. God of War Collection (PS3). It might be cheating to include this, since the two games included were released in previous years. However, since they were originally on the PS2, THIS is truly how they should be played: Full HD and at 60 frames-per-second. I wish the cutscenes were rendered in the same way (they look PS2 quality), but don't let that scare you away. These are two of the greatest games of the last console generation. Even if you've already played them on the PS2, they're worth owning and playing through again on the PS3.

8. Scribblenauts (DS). A puzzle game where you are only limited by your imagination. Sounds like a cliche, until you actually play it. You write down a noun, and as long as it's not trademarked or a drug of some kind, it appears in the game to help you. Want to conjure up a time machine to go back to ride a dinosaur, then bring him to the present and make him kill robot zombies? You can. The only real negative about the game is that you're forced to use touch controls, and it isn't as precise as you'll want it to be. However, this is worth buying simply for how innovative it is, and some of the harder levels will give you a strong feeling of satisfaction once you beat them. Not that I'd know, cuz I'm still stuck in the first half of the game. Guess I'm not imaginative enough!

7. Forza Motorsport 3 (X360). Forza 2 was already a very good game, and brought great ideas to the online racing genre (Auction House, custom liveries). Forza 3 improved up on it in many ways. Sharper graphics. More cars, more tracks. A stunning playable in-car view. The ability to rollover. And probably the best of all: They kept it hardcore for the gearheads, but they also put in play options that the casual racing fan can enjoy. I've been a fan of the Gran Turismo series since the first installment on the PS1, but they're gonna have to hit a home run with GT5 if they want to be the best racing game of this generation.

6. Little Big Planet (PSP). As you may remember, the PS3 version made my top ten list last year. I can't quite rank the PSP version as high, because the level creator is a little harder to use, and there is no multiplayer. However, the new levels for this version are a lot of fun, and the imagination and skill of the LBP community never ceases to amaze me. If you get this, go to a WiFi hotspot, take it online, and download the highest rated levels. Some of them are better than anything in the actual game. Oh, and one thing this version does better than the PS3? Downloaded levels can be saved to your memory stick, so if someone makes a fun level that breaks the Terms of Service (for copyright infringement or adult themes), if you download it before the mods delete it, it's yours.

5. Trials HD (Xbox Live Arcade). Excitebike meets N+. Just those words got me excited for this one. Then I played the demo, and immediately handed over my $15. It can be frustrating (the extreme levels are downright masochistic), but the challenge is what keeps me coming back. Like N+, the physics are very consistent, so if you die, it's because of something YOU did, not because of a mistake the developer made. The leaderboards are great, not only because it compares you to your friends (and gives you something to strive for), but it also allows you to watch replays of the best performances worldwide on each track. This feature comes in very handy on the harder levels, as some people solve sections in ways you may not have previously thought of. It's been very popular too, and has been at or near the top of the most played Xbox Live Arcade games list every week since release. The demo is free, so download it and give it a try.

4. Batman: Arkham Asylum (PS3, X360). If you'd have told me last year that a Batman game would make my Top 10 list for 2009, and that it would be this high on the list, I'd have told you to put the crack pipe down. A good Batman game? Yeah right! But someone finally did it. Batman finally feels like a badass like he was always supposed to. Part open-world exploration, part Splinter Cell, the variation in the different parts of the island and in the boss battles keeps everything feeling fresh. The story is very strong too. Mark Hamill voices the Joker, and he's phenomenal. He pulls off funny and sinister in ways that the video game world has never seen. And this is all coming from someone who doesn't give half a crap about the comic books! It's a great game, and I'm looking forward to playing the sequel.

3. Borderlands (PS3, X360, PC). Hey, you got your RPG in my FPS! Hey, you got your FPS in my RPG! Fans of games like Diablo and fans of games like Call of Duty can finally agree on something: Gearbox has succeeded in making these two great tastes taste great together. A good game to play by yourself, but a great game to play cooperatively with up to three friends. I would've liked more voice acting in the missions (instead of text, which you'll probably end up skipping most of anyway), but that's a very minor complaint. 'Bazillions' of weapons are in the game, and there's nothing quite like the candy-colored explosion of loot when you kill a tough bad guy. Also, Claptrap is far and away my favorite game character of the year. "Check me out, I'm dancin', I'M DANCIN'!"

2. Uncharted 2 (PS3). Did you hate the last Indiana Jones movie? Of course you did. But playing this game more than makes up for it. Naughty Dog took everything good in the first Uncharted game and improved upon it, plus added strong co-op and multiplayer modes. The graphics and character animation is supurb. The story might be the best in any video game of this generation. The voice acting might be the best in any video game ever. If you haven't played it yet, I don't want to overhype it, but I'm not sure if it's even possible to do. It's THAT good.

1. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 (X360, PS3, PC). Oh c'mon, don't act too surprised. My love for the Infinity Ward installments in this series has been well documented on this site, but even my highest expectations were surpassed with this game. The single-player campaign is short, and the story has ADD, but most don't play this game just for the single player. Online is where it's at. The multiplayer added many new weapons and perks, but the balance of it all is still perfect (especially now that they recently patched the range on the Model 1887 shotgun). The graphics are almost photo-realistic. They added a two player co-op mode called Spec Ops, and one could play it for days and not even touch the other two game modes. Infinity Ward has sold millions of copies of this game, and they deserve to. They improved upon a masterpiece. This is the greatest online console shooter ever made.

Lord Bling's Top 10 Albums of 2009

2009-12-23T09:43:00.030-06:00

Instead of doing a lengthy top 10 video game list like last year, I thought I'd do three shorter lists for music, games, and movies. So let's start with music. Caveat Blogger: I listen to a lot of heavy stuff that some people consider 'noise'. However, my list is not 100% metal, as you'll see.

10. Converge -- Axe to Fall. It might be their best since Jane Doe. It's at least as good as You Fail Me, and is miles ahead of their last album. Brutal, raw, and uncompromising. FAVORITE TRACK: "Wretched World"

9. Dying Fetus -- Descend Into Depravity. Many fans of this band have been waiting for them to release something that approaches the level of their influential masterpiece, Destroy the Opposition. They've finally done it. I won't say it's better, or even as good, but it's close. Oh, and don't be fooled by the band name. Their lyrics are political, not gory. FAVORITE TRACK -- "Descend into Depravity"

8. The Black Dahlia Murder -- Deflorate. This band is consistent. Not a weak album in the bunch. It's less 'black' than their last one, but not quite as cross-over sounding as Miasma (still my favorite of theirs). The DVD that comes with the album is great too. FAVORITE TRACK -- "I Will Return"

7. Between the Buried and Me -- The Great Misdirect. Part Faith No More, part Dillinger Escape Plan. Just those words alone should tell you that a BTBAM album is never boring. This one is no exception. I'm on the fence as to whether or not it's as good as their last album (Colors), but if not, it's damn close. I still wish the vocalist had more variation in his growls, but the talent on display is undeniable, and they've only become better songwriters as time goes on. FAVORITE TRACK -- "Obfuscation"

6. The Mag Seven -- Cotton Needle Sessions. I wrote about this album a couple of months ago, and it's still getting regular rotation on my MP3 player. Yes, the members of this band are friends of mine, but don't let that stop you from giving it a spin. It's very different from their previous albums, which are punk and surf inspired instrumentals. This one is very laid back, and wouldn't sound out of place in a 50's spy movie. FAVORITE SONG -- "Lahaina"

5. Behemoth -- Evangelion. This album is a return to form after the less-than-stellar The Apostasy. More time changes, more brutal, and probably the best production of their career. Some of their fans think their best albums came before Demigod, but I think they were always trying to define their sound up until that one. Evangelion is probably the purest vision of that definition. FAVORITE SONG -- "Ov Fire and the Void"

4. Silversun Pickups -- Swoon. A Smashing Pumpkins copycat releasing one of my favorite albums of the year? Yeah, I'm just as surprised as you might be. There's just something about this album that pushes all of my right buttons. It's much more influenced by shoegazer groups like My Bloody Valentine, and they're all the better for it. And they can also throw down a great hard rock song, like this one: FAVORITE SONG -- "Panic Switch"

3. Cannibal Corpse -- Evisceration Plague. This band has been the AC/DC of death metal. They put out an album, and it's almost the same as everything else they've done before, but the fans will continue to be happy. However, they hinted at slight changes on their last album (Kill), but then came this one. The title track doesn't have a single blast beat, and yet it's probably the catchiest thing they've ever written. Most of the rest of the album is what you'd expect (fast and brutal), but the hooks in every song are more polished than anything they've done in a long time. Non-fans won't be completely converted, but anyone who likes the harder side of rock music will have trouble not getting into the title track, if not more. It's the best album they've written in over 15 years. FAVORITE SONG -- "Evisceration Plague"

2. The Red Chord -- Fed Through the Teeth Machine. This band has had an interesting history. Their first album was recorded quickly and on the cheap, but ended up being extremely influential in the math-core genre. Second album tightened their sound, and the pharmacy-inspired lyrics are still a high water point. Third album felt rushed, and was extremely disappointing. They took their time on this one, and it shows. They also went from two guitar players to one, but didn't miss a step. Hints of melody exist in some of the riffs, but they never hint at anything mainstream. They've come back and reclaimed their position as one of the top math-core bands, and I couldn't be happier about it. FAVORITE TRACK -- "Embarrassment Legacy"

1. Mastodon - Oblivion. The guitar comes in with three notes, then four. Then the bass guitar follows. Then the drums. Then, 'I flew beyond the sun before it was time...' and HOLY CRAP, did Mastodon get a new vocalist? Nope, that's the drummer. Then the surprises keep coming throughout the rest of the disc. A concept album about Rasputin, an assassination attempt, and a LOT of acid, Crack the Skye reaches for the stars, and grabs them. I rarely use the word 'epic' to describe an album, but this one deserves it on every level. I tried to put the disc away for a while, because I was afraid I would burn it out. I couldn't bring myself to do it. And yet, it's still just as amazing as it was when I first spun it. I've been a fan of this band since their major label debut, and felt their last two were inspired but inconsistent. This album is distinctively 'Mastodon', but it's much more sprawling and vast than anything else they've ever done. I can't imagine them improving upon this, but I can't wait to see them try. FAVORITE TRACK -- "Oblivion"

HONORABLE MENTIONS

These albums were good, but not quite good enough to make the top 10. In alphabetical order, by band:

- Cattle Decapitation - The Harvest Floor (favorite song - "Regret and the Grave")

- Devin Townsend Project - Addicted (favorite song - "Supercrush")

- Goatwhore - Carving Out the Eyes of God (favorite song - "Apocalyptic Havoc")

- Living Colour - The Chair in the Doorway (favorite song - "That's What You Taught Me")

- Muse - The Resistance (favorite song - "Undisclosed Desires")

- Pelican - What We Have All Come To Need (favorite song - "Strung Up From The Sky")

- Suicide Silence - No Time To Bleed (favorite song - "Smoke")

- Suffocation - Blood Oath (favorite song - "Dismal Dream")

Movie and video game lists coming sometime in the next week or so. Until then, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Kwanzaa, et.al.

Quit Apologizing for Thinking Avatar is a Good Movie

2009-12-22T11:16:00.003-06:00

You're going to be sorry.

My wife can tell you that I'm really terrible at apologizing, even when I know I'm dead wrong about something. This is the main reason that I don't want to see the movie Avatar. Not because it's directed by James Cameron, who I've hated since Titanic became the most over-rated film of all time. Based on the reactions from my friends who have seen the film, apparently it's not acceptable to admit that you like this movie. I am not excited about seeing a movie where I'll probably be apologizing to everyone that I talk to about it.

Most people who have seen the movie say something like: "Don't judge me for saying this, but Avatar really was a good movie." This type of statement coming from people who are generally reviewing movies by saying things like: "If you don't like this movie, you're a hopeless idiot." leaves me concerned that if I see Avatar, I'll spend the next three months trying to justify to people why I thought it was good, as if I'm concerned about what people think of my taste in movies. I think Billy Madison should be on AFI's list of greatest movies of all time for the love of God. Is that something that you would admit if you cared about what people thought?

Titanic was painfully long, cheesy, predictable, and formulaic, if not visually stunning. The predictability was not Cameron's fault, since most anyone who can tie their shoes knows that damn boat is going to sink at the end of the movie. Like the Passion of the Christ, the ending is bound to be predictable. Perhaps liking a movie by the same director as such a piece of cinematic tripe does make one defensive that their credibility will be negatively affected by this admission.

I say, who cares. If you like Avatar, good for you. If you think that Ghosts of Girlfriend's Past is as funny as the Hangover (as someone recently admitted to me), then you have problems. I'm glad we had this talk.

So long Moral Oral!

2009-12-16T11:42:00.003-06:00

We're both dead.

When I heard Oral Roberts died earlier this week, it reminded me about an example that you can use when people say that there's no harm from the power of prayer when treating people who have illnesses. I'm not trying to suggest you shouldn't pray, if that's your deal. Oral Roberts represents the worst of what can happen when people of faith are exploited by someone who they think they can trust. Roberts duped his followers out of millions of dollars over the years and claimed to be able to use the power of God to cure people's illnesses. Many of the illnesses that Oral claimed to treat were probably medically treatable. It's impossible to know how many people with actual diseases sufferred longer than they needed to or even died because of this scam artist, but it raises a fundamental issue that crosses lines between medical treatment and religion.

Here's my conundrum: Is this just a type of natural selection where stupid people seek medical advice and treatment from a religious zealot liar? If you believe that God is going to cure your cancer, all the power in the world to you, but I'm not betting on you living very long. If you believe that God has the ability to cure your cancer, but just let all those other cancer victims die, including thousands of kids, you've got some serious megalomania or you believe in a God who falls on the sadism scale somewhere between the John McCain's friends at the Hanoi Hilton and the gang from the film, Hostel.

Oral wasn't alone in his quest for taking money from stupid people. He originated the practice. This is why, while I'm never glad to hear that someone died, I won't cry a single tear for Oral Roberts.

This Christmas, give your loved one a gift that keeps on giving.

2009-12-15T17:27:00.005-06:00

If you've watched any TV in the month of December, you've probably seen a commercial for Kay Jewelers, with a man who's giving a gift to his deaf girlfriend. He comments on how his sign language isn't very good, and she reassures him, then he gives her a Christmas gift, blah blah fuckin' blah. But the best part is the end of the commercial, when he asks her if she likes it. The sign he uses? The Reverse Shocker!

This guy should write a book. Is that actually how you sign 'Do you like it'? Who cares?!? Any excuse to get the Reverse Shocker on TV is a good one.

BONUS: In 'researching' this post, I found some other interesting variations on The Shocker. Enjoy:

The Rocker
The Woodstocker
The Spocker
The Minivan

Top Ten Lists coming soon

2009-12-14T09:38:00.002-06:00

Happy Monday everyone. I thought I'd drop by with a quick note to say that I'm working on a Top Ten of 2009 list for three catagories: Games, Movies, and Rock/Metal albums. Since there will be three lists, they won't be as lengthy as last year's Game list. Hope to have it posted sometime between Christmas and New Years.