So, I'm just looking on the internet for news, minding my own business, when...

Have you considered HERPES, you dirty skank?

Maybe sleeping with half of the men's rugby team at your local college or university was a bad idea after all. If the purpose of advertising is to grab a person's attention, the folks at Novartis Pharmaceuticals have that shit down. Exhibit A is the internet banner ad listed above that links to this site with information about everybody's favorite incurable STD, genital herpes.

For a while, GlaxoSmithKline, the makers of popular crowd-pleaser and herpes destroyer Valtrex were banking their ad campaign on the idea that people with Herpes can go wind surfing, mountain bike in the Mojave desert, paint a picture in a meadow in soft focus, and do all the things the rest of us who aren't spreading our legs for every hobo with a $5 bill do every day.

Novartis has obviously taken a different approach aimed at people who don't know that they contracted an incurable STD during that one-night stand with the lead singer from that Whitesnake cover band that played at their local tavern. I guess I am surprised that this segment of the population actually exists. I guess I look at my neck, where I frequently get razor burn, and I don't understand how you can confuse razor burn with Alabama Crotch Rot. Unless you're shaving every inch of your genitalia, which introduces a whole different set of problems entirely, you have no excuse for thinking that your itchy rash is due to shaving.

Next, I suppose that the makers of antibiotics that are used to treat syphillis and gonorrhea will have ads featuring a guy saying "I thought the firewater coming out of my dick was from all the orange juice I've been drinking. But now I'm not so sure. What else could it be?"

Thank God for the Energy Bill

Gas prices continue to flirt with record high levels again today. Some people are blaming the President for this, which is one way you could look at it. I won't argue with the fact that the President has done very little in terms of a real Energy Policy, unless you include felating the petroleum industry a policy. If giving out blow jobs to oil execs with an ice cube in your mouth is a policy, that makes foreign policy a whole hell of a lot more interesting and just about completely explains Condoleeza Rice.

But do you know who is really to blame for high gas prices, aside from the President? You and me. Americans. The reason gas companies are charging $2.30 for an average gallon of gas is not just because they're a bunch of greedy assholes, but also because we will pay it. If people stopped driving their cars or could not afford to, gas prices would decrease. We need to own up to this, because, pardon my English, Bush ain't gonna do shit about record high gas prices and record high profits for his buddies in the oil industry. You need to stop watching so many episodes of the Care Bears, if you think differently.

'Cause I'm A LIAR!

Future Stars of Perjury Collectors Card

What's that called, when you lie under oath to Congress about abusing steroids? Perjury, which is what is often described in the legal professional as illegal. I was surprised that Congress took a break from their vacation to address such an important issue. After all, 10 millions children have absent or inadequate health care coverage, US Soldiers are being killed for the future of Iraqi democracy, and Congress needs to spend time evaluating whether or not Palmeiro lied about taking steroids when he said "I did not take steroids, period." and then tested positive?

It doesn't take Deputy fucking Dog to crack this case. I'm not sure what a less ambiguous situation for perjury would be, aside from Canseco actually injecting Palmeiro in his ass while testifying in front of Congress that he's didn't use steroids.

Palmeiro is a liar and a cheat. If we put him the Baseball Hall of Fame, his statue should have a needle sticking out of its ass. How stupid is this guy? Baseball implements a new, albeit inadequate, steroid policy. You testify in front of Congress and it's covered live by ESPN. The next logical move is NOT to continue to use steroids. Seems like maybe a good time to take a break from that crap, eh? Not if you're the smartest man in baseball, I guess.