Attention Fashion moronic: Lay off the Giant Sunglasses

Left: How people who wear giant sunglasses think they look.
Right: How people who wear giant sunglasses actually look.

Okay, I know a lot of people are sitting at home right now wondering: what does CowboyLaw think about the current trend towards wearing sunglasses that are only slightly smaller than the windshield of a 1961 Cadillac? Well, to serve the needs of that small portion of society, allow me to present the answer: I think it's one of the worst abominations of fashion since elephant bells briefly came back. As with most fashion atrocities, this one strikes the nation's most vulnerable citizens: young women. Let me be as clear as I possibly can: no one looks good wearing oversized sunglasses. At best, you look like Jeff Goldblum halfway through The Fly, when he starts developing those bulging bugeyes. Is that really the look you're trying to emulate? In fact, scrutinize the picture above on the left. The conceit of the layout is that she looks good. The fact is, she doesn't look that great. And I crawled through A LOT of internet pictures to find that one.

This trend is only part of a growing tendency to borrow fashion trends from the 1970s. WHY???? The 70s was a ugly decade (and I should know: I was born smack dab in the middle of it). Not as dirty and earnest as the 60s, nor as clean and structured as the 80s. Like a party guest who is drunk enough to be obnoxious but not yet drunk enough to be funny and entertaining, the 70s was a tweener decade. It was the functional equipment of America's 13th birthday. No one was cool and hip when they were 13. It's a transitional period. Same thing for America in the 70s. As a nation, we need to develop the same shame vis a vie the 70s that each of us individually feels regarding the 365 days between when we turned 13 and when we turned 14. We don't talk about that year, just like we don't talk about Uncle Larry's drinking problem, the year Cousin Cleo spent as a male prostitute, or about "Aunt" Frank. At all. Ditto the 70s. Everyone on the same page?

The purpose of fashion accessories is to either compliment or camouflage. Case in point: I have a giant, oval, watermelon-shaped head. It generates its own weather. So, I wear glasses that are horizontally oval, to make my face seem a bit broader and less like I'm a Conehead. That's camouflage, courtesy of a fashion accessory. What, exactly, do giant sunglasses compliment or camouflage? I guess if your eyes actually came out of your sockets on eyestalks, giant sunglasses would help hide that fact and keep your alien identity a secret. But I doubt that's the issue here. If you were disfigured when a protestor threw acid on you at a G8 summit and consequently need to cover as much of your face as possible, the giant sunglasses would, once again, be the way to go. But the women I see wearing them generally appear to be incapable of balancing their own checkbook, so I doubt they've attended a lot of G8 or World Bank meetings.

In closing, let me just say this. If giant sunglasses really are the hottest thing going, let me suggest we cut the bullshit and really escalate this thing. Stylish and functional. Spark me up, Misti!