We need help. Seriously

We are so fucked.

At this point, you're probably wondering who "we" are. We are Ryan's kidneys. Why do we need help? If you read this website on a regular basis, you know already what goes on with this guy, but we are the first kidneys in the history human life that wish their host would stumble down to Mexico and find himself in a bathtub full of ice with a cell phone taped to his hand.

You see, Ryan's daily routine is something like this: The day starts with coffee. You're thinking "Coffee? Are you serious? Everyone drinks coffee." Not like this. When we say coffee, what we should say is black acid of death. Ryan likes it thick and black, just like this girl he used to date in college. And that's not the last of it.

Then there's the booze. By the end of the coffee drinking, we're already trying to process a substance that more closely resembles maple surup than urine. And he goes and drinks 6 beers to add insult to injury. Is this guy for real? Kidneys have failed for much less than this.

He was going to post some stupid crap about politics or religion, but he passed out at the computer, so we took over. Send help immediately. If you saw Silence of the Lambs with that chick in the whole and the whole "It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again" situation, you know what we're up against here. We're being held hostage. There's probably a kid somewhere who needs a kidney or two kidneys, and here we are, filtering piss for this guy. Help.