Anyone who says America has the greatest health care in the world has either never experienced much of it first-hand, or has no perspective. I got to celebrate this 3-day weekend largerly in the company of America's healthcare community, and my experience reconfirmed my long-held suspicion that many, if not most, mainstream healthcare decisions in this country turn not on the question of what is necessary or helpful for the patient, but on what the healthcare provider will be able to bill for and collect. While it may seem pretentious for me, a mere patient, to criticize American healthcare on a blog run by someone who's actually in the biz (and whose beautiful wife is also in the biz), pretention never stopped me in the past. And so, herewith, a first-person (horizontal) perspective on why we need to euthanize our current healthcare system.
Our story starts on Thursday, December 31, when our hero (me) wakes up not feeling so great. Kinda flu-y. I stay home from work, participate in a few conference calls, shit soup a few times, the usual stuff. Around noon, I start getting these amazing intestinal cramps. Now, this is not a new experience to me. About 2 years ago, I got diagnosed with Crohn's Disease (a mild case, thankfully), and every few months, I get to experience my digestive tract grinding to halt. In the past, this meant a painful afternoon, but by the next morning, I'd be back to good. I followed the same course of treatment this time: ignored the pain (and by ignored, I mean I had a few drinks to take the edge off), went to bed, hoped for the best.
The next morning (Friday, 1/1/10) was not the best, however. In fact, it was much, much worse. The pain was now nearing heroic levels. I've had kidney stones before, and I would say (and got to say several times that day) that the pain I was in was very comparable. So: pretty bad. After getting up, I sat on the couch for about 5 minutes before telling Amy it was time to head to the hospital. If only to get Daddy some pain meds. 15 minutes later, I was standing in the emergency room of the local hospital. 8:30 a.m. on New Years' Day turned out to be a good time to visit the ER. As I stood at the check-in desk, visibly sweating, audibly panting, eyes closed, having a hard time speaking, I got to answer questions like "what is your religious preference?" It was all I could do not to say that I belong to the Holy and Sacred Church of Give Me Fucking Demerol Right Fucking Now, but I knew from previous experiences that this would not help. After answering approximately 48 questions and handing over my drivers license and insurance card, I got ushered into the waiting room. ER waiting rooms are like the first ring of Dante's Inferno: no one is happy, but no one is complaining much, either. We all know we're doomed, we all know there's nothing we can do about it, but there's not much point in talking about it, either. In the waiting room with me were: a 20-something hipster in Japanese denim and a hoodie, who spent all his time IM'ing on his Iphone, from which I deduced that he had taken his New Years date here after she OD'd; and a small family of Mexicans who had apparently brought a quilt with them, and were snuggled up under it while watching TV.
After 10 minutes or so, I was called into another room to answer the same 48 questions all over again. Thus began the first pattern I noticed in my journey through the health care system: everyone asks questions because they're on a form, and the questioner always dutifully fills out the form to prove he or she asked the questions, and then the form apparently is either destroyed or filed in the same warehouse where they keep the Ark of the Covenant (Top....Men), because no one you meet during your journey shows any evidence of being even vaguely familiar with any information you gave anyone at any previous stage in your journey. It's like being treated by the guy from Memento. A second pattern began to develop here, too, a pattern I call Everyone Hears But No One Listens. I don't want to spoil the pattern for you, so I'll just say that, in this conversation, I told the woman that many previous encounters with pain had demonstrated that I don't respond at all to morphine. It makes me light-headed, but I get no pain relief at all.
From this room, I get ushered into another room, given one of those nice hospital "gowns" to put on, and told to wait. About 15 minutes later, a new person walks in and asks me the same 48 questions all over again (the running summary is as follows. Time in ER: 40 minutes. Different people seen: 3. Times asked the 48 questions: 3. Logical staffing decisions made by local healthcare monopoly: 0.). When she inquires as to my pain level, I give her the kidney stone analogy, and tell her that I have been dosed with morphine many times in the past, and have never responded to it at all. She responds and says there are some other drugs they have that they can try. I smile and thank her. She leaves.
15 minutes later, she reappears (this marks the first time I see the same person twice--this is my official ER nurse. She will also be almost the only marginally competent person I will encounter in my entire journey. I like her.) with an IV kit and some other stuff. I smile: pain relief is, at long last, on the way. She sets the IV and flushes it with saline (apprently a common procedure, as this will be done approximately 2 dozen times during the next 24 hours, and every time they stuff a few dozen cc's of saline in my left arm vein, I can taste it, which seems odd. When I write a book about my experiences with the health care system, it will be called Tastes Like Saline: My Journey Through The Medical Looking Glass.) Then, she announced that she has my painkiller: morphine. (Seriously, anyone who didn't see this coming needs to pay more attention.) I told her again (now the third time I'd gone out of my way to make this observation) that I don't respond to morphine, and she said that the doctor said to try it anyway. I made a mental note to nutpunch the doctor when I met him, and settled in for another 30 minutes of pain.
30 minutes later, I'm dizzy, but still in pain. The ER nurse comes back in to check on me and asks how things are going. I tell her it's basically the same, plus lightheadedness, and she leaves to get me Dilaudid, which worked like a charm. It also kept me in more or less no frame of mind whatsoever, which is why the details for the next 6 hours are a little more sparse. Now mostly pain-free, I met the doctor for the first time. She had no nuts to punch, and appeared to be 14 years old. I told her that my experiences for the last 24 hours were very similar to other epsiodes of Crohn's flare-ups that I've experienced in the past, only more so. This is the second person I've given this bit of information to. The doctor gives me an 8-ounce cup of vaguely fruity, extra-thick water to drink. Even in my blissed-out state, I know what this means. When the second cup comes an hour later (along with another miligram of Dilaudid), I down it, too. Pretty soon, I'm skimming my way up to the CT scanner. 20 minutes later, I'm back down in the same room in ER I've occupied for the last several hours.
Around 11:00, the doctor comes in to tell me they're admitting me. The CT scan shows some inflamation in my lower abdomen, which could be Crohn's (gee, you think?) or it could be appendicitus. Some unnamed surgeon is going to look at the scan and decide what needs to be done. They take about 4 gallons of blood out of my arm for testing, which the surgeon will also review. Being admitted to the hospital means, among other things, that I'll never see the ER nurse again, because all hospital staffing is done on a turf basis, not on the basis of whether the individual has valuable knowledge that could help in the treatment of the patient. Besides, all that knowledge has been written down onto forms, as noted earlier. So, I'm whisked up into the hospital proper.
In my hospital room, I am introduced to my treating nurse, which beings another lesson in modern healthcare that I'll call Say That Again in English. As much as it pains me, as a far-left liberal, to say this, it seems clear to me that, in critical healthcare settings, such as hospital nurses, total fluency in the English language is pretty much a requirement of the job. It's just not safe any other way. And yet, beginning with my admission to the hospital proper, my encounters were almost exclusively with people who had only a passing aquaintance with English. Including my hospital nurse. When she stuck her head in, around 11:30, both Amy and I informed her that I needed more painkiller. She said she would check and be right back. About noon, she came back with morphine, which she said the records indicated was what I was being treated with. Notice how this could have been avoided had my ER nurse followed me up? Amy and I informed her that was wrong, that my chart should have Dilaudid on it, and that the pharmacy should know this. She said she would check on that, but first, she had 48 questions she needed me to answer. I realize, in retrospect, that I should have refused to answer until I got my Dilaudid. Since all she cared about was getting her 48 questions answered, maybe refusing to answer would have motivated her to get on the ball. But, instead, like a compliant patient, I answered the questions for the fourth time.
Around 1:00, now back in serious pain, I hit the nurse call button to inquire as to my pain meds. Another woman appeared, and told me she would get my nurse. As she left, another woman came in to take my blood pressure and tempreture for about the eighth time. When she was done, she asked me "If I get wait, can you stand?" I stared blankly at her, and then asked her to repeat herself. She asked, "If I go get the wait, can you stand on it?" After staring at her for maybe 8 more hours, I asked "Do you mean the scale? Can I stand on a scale? I'm sure I can." She then left, and a minute later, came back, pulling a large device that said, in 30-point font "Excelon Medical Scale." I stood on it, and it told her my weight, which she wrote down. I have to ask: obviously, weighing people with a scale is part of this person's every-day job. She must do it a dozen times a day or more. The equipment itself says "scale" on it in large, capital letters. How in the name of 8-pound, 6-ounce baby Jesus can she not know what the scale is called? How can this inspire me to be confident that I'm going to get decent treatment at this hospital?
As the Go Get Wait girl left, another woman came in to tell me my nurse was on her lunch break, but would be back promptly at 1:40 to check on me. At 2:00, my nurse stuck her head in and asked what I wanted. Given that her inattentiveness had, over the last 3 hours, plunged me from blissful, Dilaudid-induced peace into pain-filled Hell, I couldn't very well tell her what I really wanted, because it involved her and Pinhead meeting in a dark alley in another dimension, so I instead asked, again, about my painkiller. She left to go find out. At 2:30, I hit the nurse call button, and another woman asked me what I wanted, and I barely avoided saying "Tran's head on a pike" (Tran being my nurse). The woman left to go find Tran. At 3:15, I hit the button again. Another woman appeared, and when I inquired as to Tran, informed me that Tran had gone off-shift at 3:00, and another nurse would be taking care of me. When I asked to see her, I was informed she was in the shift-change meeting until 3:30, but the woman would tell the nurse to come check on me immediately. When I was initially informed, at 1:00ish, that Tran was on lunch break, it seemed totally reasonable. However, in retrospect, when someone who clocks out at 3:00 goes on lunch break at 1:00, the message really is "I'm done for the day." That break is calculated so that, after lunch, you have only an hour before you're off-shift, and nothing useful can be done in an hour. It's clever, but allowing nurses to do things like that isn't really patient-friendly.
The new nurse, Jorene, indeed did come in at almost 3:30, and politely inquired what she could do for me. Suffice it to say, Jorene and I got off on the wrong foot. It wasn't my fault, and it wasn't hers, but she was now following the elephant parade with a pooper-scooper, as people sometimes say, and even though it was her predecessor who royally screwed the pooch, the wrath fell on Jorene. She sucked it up, and went looking for my painkiller. Thankfully, Jorene was almost as competent as my ER nurse, and by 4:00, I was back on the Dilaudid pony. The pain issue having been resolved, I asked whether the unnamed surgeon had looked at my CT scan and decided what to do. Jorene said the surgeon hadn't looked at the chart, but that she would call and see if the surgeon could do so and come up and talk to me. I can only assume that the surgeon's pressing golf game had kept her (as it turned out) from looking at my scan for the last 4 hours. Jorene must have been convincing, because at 4:30, the surgeon came in to tell me that the CT scan was really inconclusive (thanks, doc!). It showed some lower abdominal inflamation that could be appendicitus, or it could be Crohn's related. She puts me on antibiotics, and says they're going to "watch me." Later, I openly bet Jorene that "watch me" means they're going to see if my appendix bursts, because, if so, it was probably appendicitus.
The surgeon leaves, and Jorene returns to hook me up to the antibiotics machine. I ask Jorene if I can have some water, because it's been almost 24 hours since I had any, and I'm losing my voice. Jorene says I can't have water, because they might operate on me. I note that it's 4:30, and ask if they're seriously going to operate on me tonight, such that I can't have even a cup of water. Jorene answers Sphinx-like, telling me that, in the hospital, they can operate at any time. Jorene leaves, and the battle of Man versus Antibiotics Machine begins. I'm hooked up to some kind of Abbot Labs device that chugs like a small steam engine, clicking and whirring at odd intervals, apparently pumpting antibiotics into my IV. The problem is that, if I so much as twitch my left arm (into which the IV is set), the machine stops pumping at sets off an annoying alarm-clock-like alarm. After the fourth or fifth time, Amy and I learn how to reset the machine (turn it to Hold, then back to On, and it chugs on). The fact that this thing is so extremely sensitive, and unable to figure out for itself that it can continue pumping without human interaction to switch it on and off, leads me to conclude it was developed to pump things into people in a coma.
At 6:00, Jorene returns to dose me again, and to tell me I'm being transfered to another hospital in the system, because a GI specialist is visiting that hospital tomorrow and will decide what to do with me. I note that the transfer sounds like it means no surgery for tonight, so how about some fricking water? Jorene counters with a pitcher full of ice chips, possible the most useless treatment for thirst since sand-in-a-cup was invented. When she leaves, Amy counters with the ever popular "dump out the pitcher of ice chips in the bathroom and fill the pitcher with water from the sink" move. I drink the entire pitcher of water, and feel much, much better. Contrary to popular medical opinion, the Earth does not shatter into a million tiny pieces as a result of me having some water.
At 7:00, the transfer team appears to tote me to the other hospital. I call the transfer team The Friendliest San Francisco Lesbians In The History of Ever (TFSFLITHE, for short), and I wish I had gotten their names and numbers, because I would love go to drinking at dive bars with them. They were friendly, and funny, and I know for a fact they were both honest-to-goodness lesbians because one of them talked to me about the apartment she was renting with her partner, and the other one looked like a 12-year-old Iowa boy, complete with buzz-cut. And they muscled my considerable frame up and down on the transfer cart without so much as a grunt.
At 8:00, I was at the new hospital, and apparently my entire course of treatment had changed. No more antibiotics. Instead, anti-inflamatories and steriods. Painkillers came right on time. The room was nicer, the TV was bigger, and Amy had gone home for the night (at my insistence). My new nurse asked me the 48 questions again. When she left, an intern came in. The intern broke all past stereotypes (except that she was Asian), insofar as: she actually had read my chart, and asked questions that showed she knew what had gone on in the past, and listened to things I had to say. And she earned a special place in my heart because she agreed to let me have a glass of cranberry juice. I had asked four or five times in the past, but had always been denied, never for any good reason. Finally, someone acknowledged that they definitely weren't going to cut me up in the near future, so some cranberry juice would be fine. It was fantastic!
At 10:00, my nurse came back in to give me my pain meds, and I didn't need any. I was actually feeling really good. I assured her I would hit the button if I was in pain, but otherwise, I'd really just like to sleep. She shut off the lights, and closed the door, and I fell asleep. For a half-hour. Because that's when another person came in to check my blood pressure, tempreture, heart rate, and weigh me again. When the subject of weighing me came up, I pointed out that I had been weighed approximately 7 hours ago, and I doubted my weight had changed much. She countered that my weight wasn't written down anywhere in my chart. It didn't occur to me to ask her to look and see if the word "scale" was written down anywhere, with some numbers next to it. This woman left, and left the light on and the door open. Thanks! No, really: I'll just get up and turn the lights off and close the door. Which I did, and then went back to sleep. For a half-hour. Which was when another person came in to take an absolute shit-ton of blood samples for testing. When she announced this, I told her I had already had a lot of blood work done earlier that day, and asked whether any of the test results where in my records. This apparently flustered her, and she shuffled a lot of papers back and forth for a few minutes, and then said "every doctor mostly wants his own tests." She then took 8 or so vials of blood from three different locations on two different arms (both mine). As Vampyra was leaving, my nurse came in and asked if there was anything I needed. I said, rather bluntly, that all I wanted was to sleep. I got my wish.
At 8:00 the next day, I woke up, and I felt great. Someone came in a took my blood pressure, tempreture, and heart rate for the 77nd time in the last 24 hours. Then a Russian woman came in and told me she was going to hook me up to an EKG machine. Surprised, I asked why. She looked at some papers, and half-said, half-asked "You're having chest pains?" I told her I had never had chest pains in my life, not to mention that I hadn't had any recently. She responded that the doctor wanted an EKG reading, and the test wouldn't hurt. This brings me to another great revelation about American health-care: it's the Great American Involuntary Dim Sum Restaurant. Anyone who's been to a dim sum restaurant knows the deal: waitresses push big carts from table to table, show you what they've got, you say what you want, they stamp your bill with some magic stamp, then leave, then the next cart pulls up a few minutes later. At the end of the day, some old Chinese woman looks at the magic stamps and figures out how much you owe. It's much the same in American healthcare, except that you don't get to choose what you get from each cart. Instead, the person selling the food gets to chose. They roll the cart up to you, size you up (or, more likely, size up your insurance), and then unload whatever they want. Maybe it's something you want, like pain meds or BBQ pork buns. Maybe it's something you don't want, like extra blood tests or chicken feet. Maybe it's something you absolutely don't need, like EKG tests or lobster thermadore. Doesn't matter. They stamp your ticket, and your insurance pays. It's one of the only industries where the person getting the money decides, unilaterally, how much money you're going to give them.
At 10:00, I finally see the GI doctor. We talk for 15 minutes or so, and he concludes that whatever was wrong with me has passed (thanks for that revelation, doc!), and that I'm free to go. His leaving marked another great revelation in the working of the modern, American healthcare system, which I call 5 Minutes With the Great and Powerful Oz. In my 30 hours in the hospital, I spent approximately 30 minutes in the same room with an actual doctor. Every other contact I had was with nurses or staff, many of the barely-English-speaking variety. Every request I made, every question I had, had to be run through "the doctor." But "the doctor," (and there were at least 5 doctors I spent time with) didn't know me, hadn't spoken to me, didn't know my history, etc. etc. How was "the doctor" supposed to make smart decisions about things like what painkiller to give me, whether to let me have water, or whether to run EKG tests, if "the doctor" had never met or spoken to me? Either the nurses were lying to me about the necessity of all decisions going through "the doctor" (very possible) or the mysterious, absent "doctor" was making all these decisions based solely on information communicated to him or her through my often-not-fluent-in-English nurses. If it's the latter, that's got to be the scariest game of Telephone ever played, because it's the patient's life that's on the line.
The GI doctor leaving also marked the beginning of the stall-the-patient period of my treatment. Remember: the doctor said I was fine, and free to go. I was certainly ready to go. The GI doctor's only condition was that I had to demonstrate that I could handle clear liquids. Given that I had drank 2 pitchers of water already that morning (supplied, this time, by the nurse, thanks to the intervention of the intern), I considered that condition pretty much fulfilled. A half-hour after the doctor left, I buzzed the nurse to see what was going on. She said the doctor had ordered a plate of clear liquid foods for me to ingest, then I could go. I pointed out the pitchers of water I had drunk, but the Great and Powerful Oz had spoken, and I apparently needed to demonstrate that I could swallow beef broth as easily as I could swallow water. It took the clear liquids almost 2 hours to get to my room. I downed them, then hit the nurse buttom, and proudly showed off my empty plate. The nurse said "the doctor" needed to see me, then I could get discharged. I waited for 90 minutes for "the doctor," who was a different doctor than any I'd seen before. He apologized for being late, shook my hand, said I was free to leave, apologized again for being late, and left. He was in my room for less than 3 minutes. WTF was this about? Why was this necessary? Why had I had to wait for an hour and a half for this 3 minute fly-by with Dr. Know-Nothing?
At the end of the day, American medicine had worked in exactly the way that internal medicine often works: they had taken care of the symptoms (pain) and monitored my condition while my body fixed itself. Along the way, I met exactly 3 people who showed any real interest in my condition (not counting TFSFLITHE, who were extra sweet). Everyone else was just punching the clock. At every single hand-off (ER to hospital, shift nurse to shift nurse, and hospital to hospital), all accumulated knowledge about me, my problem, and what had been done to date disappeared entirely, and we started all over again. While no one on the medical side professed to have any idea why I suddenly got better, I will point out the following: from the beginning, I told everyone who treated me that this felt exactly like other Crohn's flare-ups I'd had, just worse. During my time in the first hospital, I was treated solely as though this was appendicitus (antibiotics, and waiting to see if my appendix burst). When I was transferred to the second hospital, I was treated as though my symptoms were Crohn's-related (anti-inflamatories and steriods). Within 3 hours, I felt completely better. It's hard not to infer a conclusion here.
I am fascinated to see what this all will cost. I know it will cost me almost nothing, and I know that hospitals count on this fact when they treat you. I'm no great fan of insurance companies, and it felt odd for me to be complaining about receiving treatment on the basis that I didn't think it was fair to bill my insurance for something so completely unnecessary, but the excesses of treatment I received reached the point where no rational person would be undisturbed. I left with the distinct impression that almost nothing about my visit seemed to be governed by logic or the desire to effectively treat me. So many easy changes could be made that would have dramatically improved my treatment, including letting my ER nurse follow me to the hospital wing and continue treating me, a small change that would have prevented 4+ hours of horrible pain while my new nurse tried to figure out my pain meds, took her late lunch break, and ignored me until the end of my shift. But this structure didn't happen spontaneously---it's here because it makes hospitals money under the current system. And without fundamental changes to that system, you shouldn't expect to see things change.
Sunday, January 03, 2010
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Lord Bling's Top 10 Favorite Video Games of 2009
The music list is down, now on to video games! One fair warning (and this applies to the music list as well): I'm not a professional critic, and didn't get to play everything this year, so a couple that might have made my list (Assassin's Creed 2, Dragon Age: Origins) didn't get played before the year was out. I'll play 'em next year and hopefully will post mini-reviews afterwards. Also, I don't have a gaming PC, so anything PC-exclusive would not have been played.
10. MadWorld (Wii). The bloodiest game of 2009, hands down. It's so over-the-top that it's like a playable Itchy and Scratchy cartoon. Great tongue-in-cheek moments throughout, and the Wii motion controls (usually annoying in most games) fit in perfectly here. Also, the running commentary by Greg Proops and John DiMaggio is one-of-a-kind, and laugh-out-loud funny. (In the interest of full disclosure: I work for Sega, but that doesn't change the fact that it's a fun and funny game.)
9. God of War Collection (PS3). It might be cheating to include this, since the two games included were released in previous years. However, since they were originally on the PS2, THIS is truly how they should be played: Full HD and at 60 frames-per-second. I wish the cutscenes were rendered in the same way (they look PS2 quality), but don't let that scare you away. These are two of the greatest games of the last console generation. Even if you've already played them on the PS2, they're worth owning and playing through again on the PS3.
8. Scribblenauts (DS). A puzzle game where you are only limited by your imagination. Sounds like a cliche, until you actually play it. You write down a noun, and as long as it's not trademarked or a drug of some kind, it appears in the game to help you. Want to conjure up a time machine to go back to ride a dinosaur, then bring him to the present and make him kill robot zombies? You can. The only real negative about the game is that you're forced to use touch controls, and it isn't as precise as you'll want it to be. However, this is worth buying simply for how innovative it is, and some of the harder levels will give you a strong feeling of satisfaction once you beat them. Not that I'd know, cuz I'm still stuck in the first half of the game. Guess I'm not imaginative enough!
7. Forza Motorsport 3 (X360). Forza 2 was already a very good game, and brought great ideas to the online racing genre (Auction House, custom liveries). Forza 3 improved up on it in many ways. Sharper graphics. More cars, more tracks. A stunning playable in-car view. The ability to rollover. And probably the best of all: They kept it hardcore for the gearheads, but they also put in play options that the casual racing fan can enjoy. I've been a fan of the Gran Turismo series since the first installment on the PS1, but they're gonna have to hit a home run with GT5 if they want to be the best racing game of this generation.
6. Little Big Planet (PSP). As you may remember, the PS3 version made my top ten list last year. I can't quite rank the PSP version as high, because the level creator is a little harder to use, and there is no multiplayer. However, the new levels for this version are a lot of fun, and the imagination and skill of the LBP community never ceases to amaze me. If you get this, go to a WiFi hotspot, take it online, and download the highest rated levels. Some of them are better than anything in the actual game. Oh, and one thing this version does better than the PS3? Downloaded levels can be saved to your memory stick, so if someone makes a fun level that breaks the Terms of Service (for copyright infringement or adult themes), if you download it before the mods delete it, it's yours.
5. Trials HD (Xbox Live Arcade). Excitebike meets N+. Just those words got me excited for this one. Then I played the demo, and immediately handed over my $15. It can be frustrating (the extreme levels are downright masochistic), but the challenge is what keeps me coming back. Like N+, the physics are very consistent, so if you die, it's because of something YOU did, not because of a mistake the developer made. The leaderboards are great, not only because it compares you to your friends (and gives you something to strive for), but it also allows you to watch replays of the best performances worldwide on each track. This feature comes in very handy on the harder levels, as some people solve sections in ways you may not have previously thought of. It's been very popular too, and has been at or near the top of the most played Xbox Live Arcade games list every week since release. The demo is free, so download it and give it a try.
4. Batman: Arkham Asylum (PS3, X360). If you'd have told me last year that a Batman game would make my Top 10 list for 2009, and that it would be this high on the list, I'd have told you to put the crack pipe down. A good Batman game? Yeah right! But someone finally did it. Batman finally feels like a badass like he was always supposed to. Part open-world exploration, part Splinter Cell, the variation in the different parts of the island and in the boss battles keeps everything feeling fresh. The story is very strong too. Mark Hamill voices the Joker, and he's phenomenal. He pulls off funny and sinister in ways that the video game world has never seen. And this is all coming from someone who doesn't give half a crap about the comic books! It's a great game, and I'm looking forward to playing the sequel.
3. Borderlands (PS3, X360, PC). Hey, you got your RPG in my FPS! Hey, you got your FPS in my RPG! Fans of games like Diablo and fans of games like Call of Duty can finally agree on something: Gearbox has succeeded in making these two great tastes taste great together. A good game to play by yourself, but a great game to play cooperatively with up to three friends. I would've liked more voice acting in the missions (instead of text, which you'll probably end up skipping most of anyway), but that's a very minor complaint. 'Bazillions' of weapons are in the game, and there's nothing quite like the candy-colored explosion of loot when you kill a tough bad guy. Also, Claptrap is far and away my favorite game character of the year. "Check me out, I'm dancin', I'M DANCIN'!"
2. Uncharted 2 (PS3). Did you hate the last Indiana Jones movie? Of course you did. But playing this game more than makes up for it. Naughty Dog took everything good in the first Uncharted game and improved upon it, plus added strong co-op and multiplayer modes. The graphics and character animation is supurb. The story might be the best in any video game of this generation. The voice acting might be the best in any video game ever. If you haven't played it yet, I don't want to overhype it, but I'm not sure if it's even possible to do. It's THAT good.
1. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 (X360, PS3, PC). Oh c'mon, don't act too surprised. My love for the Infinity Ward installments in this series has been well documented on this site, but even my highest expectations were surpassed with this game. The single-player campaign is short, and the story has ADD, but most don't play this game just for the single player. Online is where it's at. The multiplayer added many new weapons and perks, but the balance of it all is still perfect (especially now that they recently patched the range on the Model 1887 shotgun). The graphics are almost photo-realistic. They added a two player co-op mode called Spec Ops, and one could play it for days and not even touch the other two game modes. Infinity Ward has sold millions of copies of this game, and they deserve to. They improved upon a masterpiece. This is the greatest online console shooter ever made.
10. MadWorld (Wii). The bloodiest game of 2009, hands down. It's so over-the-top that it's like a playable Itchy and Scratchy cartoon. Great tongue-in-cheek moments throughout, and the Wii motion controls (usually annoying in most games) fit in perfectly here. Also, the running commentary by Greg Proops and John DiMaggio is one-of-a-kind, and laugh-out-loud funny. (In the interest of full disclosure: I work for Sega, but that doesn't change the fact that it's a fun and funny game.)
9. God of War Collection (PS3). It might be cheating to include this, since the two games included were released in previous years. However, since they were originally on the PS2, THIS is truly how they should be played: Full HD and at 60 frames-per-second. I wish the cutscenes were rendered in the same way (they look PS2 quality), but don't let that scare you away. These are two of the greatest games of the last console generation. Even if you've already played them on the PS2, they're worth owning and playing through again on the PS3.
8. Scribblenauts (DS). A puzzle game where you are only limited by your imagination. Sounds like a cliche, until you actually play it. You write down a noun, and as long as it's not trademarked or a drug of some kind, it appears in the game to help you. Want to conjure up a time machine to go back to ride a dinosaur, then bring him to the present and make him kill robot zombies? You can. The only real negative about the game is that you're forced to use touch controls, and it isn't as precise as you'll want it to be. However, this is worth buying simply for how innovative it is, and some of the harder levels will give you a strong feeling of satisfaction once you beat them. Not that I'd know, cuz I'm still stuck in the first half of the game. Guess I'm not imaginative enough!
7. Forza Motorsport 3 (X360). Forza 2 was already a very good game, and brought great ideas to the online racing genre (Auction House, custom liveries). Forza 3 improved up on it in many ways. Sharper graphics. More cars, more tracks. A stunning playable in-car view. The ability to rollover. And probably the best of all: They kept it hardcore for the gearheads, but they also put in play options that the casual racing fan can enjoy. I've been a fan of the Gran Turismo series since the first installment on the PS1, but they're gonna have to hit a home run with GT5 if they want to be the best racing game of this generation.
6. Little Big Planet (PSP). As you may remember, the PS3 version made my top ten list last year. I can't quite rank the PSP version as high, because the level creator is a little harder to use, and there is no multiplayer. However, the new levels for this version are a lot of fun, and the imagination and skill of the LBP community never ceases to amaze me. If you get this, go to a WiFi hotspot, take it online, and download the highest rated levels. Some of them are better than anything in the actual game. Oh, and one thing this version does better than the PS3? Downloaded levels can be saved to your memory stick, so if someone makes a fun level that breaks the Terms of Service (for copyright infringement or adult themes), if you download it before the mods delete it, it's yours. 
5. Trials HD (Xbox Live Arcade). Excitebike meets N+. Just those words got me excited for this one. Then I played the demo, and immediately handed over my $15. It can be frustrating (the extreme levels are downright masochistic), but the challenge is what keeps me coming back. Like N+, the physics are very consistent, so if you die, it's because of something YOU did, not because of a mistake the developer made. The leaderboards are great, not only because it compares you to your friends (and gives you something to strive for), but it also allows you to watch replays of the best performances worldwide on each track. This feature comes in very handy on the harder levels, as some people solve sections in ways you may not have previously thought of. It's been very popular too, and has been at or near the top of the most played Xbox Live Arcade games list every week since release. The demo is free, so download it and give it a try.
4. Batman: Arkham Asylum (PS3, X360). If you'd have told me last year that a Batman game would make my Top 10 list for 2009, and that it would be this high on the list, I'd have told you to put the crack pipe down. A good Batman game? Yeah right! But someone finally did it. Batman finally feels like a badass like he was always supposed to. Part open-world exploration, part Splinter Cell, the variation in the different parts of the island and in the boss battles keeps everything feeling fresh. The story is very strong too. Mark Hamill voices the Joker, and he's phenomenal. He pulls off funny and sinister in ways that the video game world has never seen. And this is all coming from someone who doesn't give half a crap about the comic books! It's a great game, and I'm looking forward to playing the sequel. 
3. Borderlands (PS3, X360, PC). Hey, you got your RPG in my FPS! Hey, you got your FPS in my RPG! Fans of games like Diablo and fans of games like Call of Duty can finally agree on something: Gearbox has succeeded in making these two great tastes taste great together. A good game to play by yourself, but a great game to play cooperatively with up to three friends. I would've liked more voice acting in the missions (instead of text, which you'll probably end up skipping most of anyway), but that's a very minor complaint. 'Bazillions' of weapons are in the game, and there's nothing quite like the candy-colored explosion of loot when you kill a tough bad guy. Also, Claptrap is far and away my favorite game character of the year. "Check me out, I'm dancin', I'M DANCIN'!"
2. Uncharted 2 (PS3). Did you hate the last Indiana Jones movie? Of course you did. But playing this game more than makes up for it. Naughty Dog took everything good in the first Uncharted game and improved upon it, plus added strong co-op and multiplayer modes. The graphics and character animation is supurb. The story might be the best in any video game of this generation. The voice acting might be the best in any video game ever. If you haven't played it yet, I don't want to overhype it, but I'm not sure if it's even possible to do. It's THAT good.
1. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 (X360, PS3, PC). Oh c'mon, don't act too surprised. My love for the Infinity Ward installments in this series has been well documented on this site, but even my highest expectations were surpassed with this game. The single-player campaign is short, and the story has ADD, but most don't play this game just for the single player. Online is where it's at. The multiplayer added many new weapons and perks, but the balance of it all is still perfect (especially now that they recently patched the range on the Model 1887 shotgun). The graphics are almost photo-realistic. They added a two player co-op mode called Spec Ops, and one could play it for days and not even touch the other two game modes. Infinity Ward has sold millions of copies of this game, and they deserve to. They improved upon a masterpiece. This is the greatest online console shooter ever made.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Lord Bling's Top 10 Albums of 2009
Instead of doing a lengthy top 10 video game list like last year, I thought I'd do three shorter lists for music, games, and movies. So let's start with music. Caveat Blogger: I listen to a lot of heavy stuff that some people consider 'noise'. However, my list is not 100% metal, as you'll see.
10. Converge -- Axe to Fall. It might be their best since Jane Doe. It's at least as good as You Fail Me, and is miles ahead of their last album. Brutal, raw, and uncompromising. FAVORITE TRACK: "Wretched World"
9. Dying Fetus -- Descend Into Depravity. Many fans of this band have been waiting for them to release something that approaches the level of their influential masterpiece, Destroy the Opposition. They've finally done it. I won't say it's better, or even as good, but it's close. Oh, and don't be fooled by the band name. Their lyrics are political, not gory. FAVORITE TRACK -- "Descend into Depravity"
8. The Black Dahlia Murder -- Deflorate. This band is consistent. Not a weak album in the bunch. It's less 'black' than their last one, but not quite as cross-over sounding as Miasma (still my favorite of theirs). The DVD that comes with the album is great too. FAVORITE TRACK -- "I Will Return"
7. Between the Buried and Me -- The Great Misdirect. Part Faith No More, part Dillinger Escape Plan. Just those words alone should tell you that a BTBAM album is never boring. This one is no exception. I'm on the fence as to whether or not it's as good as their last album (Colors), but if not, it's damn close. I still wish the vocalist had more variation in his growls, but the talent on display is undeniable, and they've only become better songwriters as time goes on. FAVORITE TRACK -- "Obfuscation"
6. The Mag Seven -- Cotton Needle Sessions. I wrote about this album a couple of months ago, and it's still getting regular rotation on my MP3 player. Yes, the members of this band are friends of mine, but don't let that stop you from giving it a spin. It's very different from their previous albums, which are punk and surf inspired instrumentals. This one is very laid back, and wouldn't sound out of place in a 50's spy movie. FAVORITE SONG -- "Lahaina"
5. Behemoth -- Evangelion. This album is a return to form after the less-than-stellar The Apostasy. More time changes, more brutal, and probably the best production of their career. Some of their fans think their best albums came before Demigod, but I think they were always trying to define their sound up until that one. Evangelion is probably the purest vision of that definition. FAVORITE SONG -- "Ov Fire and the Void"
4. Silversun Pickups -- Swoon. A Smashing Pumpkins copycat releasing one of my favorite albums of the year? Yeah, I'm just as surprised as you might be. There's just something about this album that pushes all of my right buttons. It's much more influenced by shoegazer groups like My Bloody Valentine, and they're all the better for it. And they can also throw down a great hard rock song, like this one: FAVORITE SONG -- "Panic Switch"
3. Cannibal Corpse -- Evisceration Plague. This band has been the AC/DC of death metal. They put out an album, and it's almost the same as everything else they've done before, but the fans will continue to be happy. However, they hinted at slight changes on their last album (Kill), but then came this one. The title track doesn't have a single blast beat, and yet it's probably the catchiest thing they've ever written. Most of the rest of the album is what you'd expect (fast and brutal), but the hooks in every song are more polished than anything they've done in a long time. Non-fans won't be completely converted, but anyone who likes the harder side of rock music will have trouble not getting into the title track, if not more. It's the best album they've written in over 15 years. FAVORITE SONG -- "Evisceration Plague"
2. The Red Chord -- Fed Through the Teeth Machine. This band has had an interesting history. Their first album was recorded quickly and on the cheap, but ended up being extremely influential in the math-core genre. Second album tightened their sound, and the pharmacy-inspired lyrics are still a high water point. Third album felt rushed, and was extremely disappointing. They took their time on this one, and it shows. They also went from two guitar players to one, but didn't miss a step. Hints of melody exist in some of the riffs, but they never hint at anything mainstream. They've come back and reclaimed their position as one of the top math-core bands, and I couldn't be happier about it. FAVORITE TRACK -- "Embarrassment Legacy"
1. Mastodon - Oblivion. The guitar comes in with three notes, then four. Then the bass guitar follows. Then the drums. Then, 'I flew beyond the sun before it was time...' and HOLY CRAP, did Mastodon get a new vocalist? Nope, that's the drummer. Then the surprises keep coming throughout the rest of the disc. A concept album about Rasputin, an assassination attempt, and a LOT of acid, Crack the Skye reaches for the stars, and grabs them. I rarely use the word 'epic' to describe an album, but this one deserves it on every level. I tried to put the disc away for a while, because I was afraid I would burn it out. I couldn't bring myself to do it. And yet, it's still just as amazing as it was when I first spun it. I've been a fan of this band since their major label debut, and felt their last two were inspired but inconsistent. This album is distinctively 'Mastodon', but it's much more sprawling and vast than anything else they've ever done. I can't imagine them improving upon this, but I can't wait to see them try. FAVORITE TRACK -- "Oblivion"
HONORABLE MENTIONS
These albums were good, but not quite good enough to make the top 10. In alphabetical order, by band:
- Cattle Decapitation - The Harvest Floor (favorite song - "Regret and the Grave")
- Devin Townsend Project - Addicted (favorite song - "Supercrush")
- Goatwhore - Carving Out the Eyes of God (favorite song - "Apocalyptic Havoc")
- Living Colour - The Chair in the Doorway (favorite song - "That's What You Taught Me")
- Muse - The Resistance (favorite song - "Undisclosed Desires")
- Pelican - What We Have All Come To Need (favorite song - "Strung Up From The Sky")
- Suicide Silence - No Time To Bleed (favorite song - "Smoke")
- Suffocation - Blood Oath (favorite song - "Dismal Dream")
Movie and video game lists coming sometime in the next week or so. Until then, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Kwanzaa, et.al.
10. Converge -- Axe to Fall. It might be their best since Jane Doe. It's at least as good as You Fail Me, and is miles ahead of their last album. Brutal, raw, and uncompromising. FAVORITE TRACK: "Wretched World"
9. Dying Fetus -- Descend Into Depravity. Many fans of this band have been waiting for them to release something that approaches the level of their influential masterpiece, Destroy the Opposition. They've finally done it. I won't say it's better, or even as good, but it's close. Oh, and don't be fooled by the band name. Their lyrics are political, not gory. FAVORITE TRACK -- "Descend into Depravity"
8. The Black Dahlia Murder -- Deflorate. This band is consistent. Not a weak album in the bunch. It's less 'black' than their last one, but not quite as cross-over sounding as Miasma (still my favorite of theirs). The DVD that comes with the album is great too. FAVORITE TRACK -- "I Will Return"
7. Between the Buried and Me -- The Great Misdirect. Part Faith No More, part Dillinger Escape Plan. Just those words alone should tell you that a BTBAM album is never boring. This one is no exception. I'm on the fence as to whether or not it's as good as their last album (Colors), but if not, it's damn close. I still wish the vocalist had more variation in his growls, but the talent on display is undeniable, and they've only become better songwriters as time goes on. FAVORITE TRACK -- "Obfuscation"
6. The Mag Seven -- Cotton Needle Sessions. I wrote about this album a couple of months ago, and it's still getting regular rotation on my MP3 player. Yes, the members of this band are friends of mine, but don't let that stop you from giving it a spin. It's very different from their previous albums, which are punk and surf inspired instrumentals. This one is very laid back, and wouldn't sound out of place in a 50's spy movie. FAVORITE SONG -- "Lahaina"
5. Behemoth -- Evangelion. This album is a return to form after the less-than-stellar The Apostasy. More time changes, more brutal, and probably the best production of their career. Some of their fans think their best albums came before Demigod, but I think they were always trying to define their sound up until that one. Evangelion is probably the purest vision of that definition. FAVORITE SONG -- "Ov Fire and the Void"
4. Silversun Pickups -- Swoon. A Smashing Pumpkins copycat releasing one of my favorite albums of the year? Yeah, I'm just as surprised as you might be. There's just something about this album that pushes all of my right buttons. It's much more influenced by shoegazer groups like My Bloody Valentine, and they're all the better for it. And they can also throw down a great hard rock song, like this one: FAVORITE SONG -- "Panic Switch"
3. Cannibal Corpse -- Evisceration Plague. This band has been the AC/DC of death metal. They put out an album, and it's almost the same as everything else they've done before, but the fans will continue to be happy. However, they hinted at slight changes on their last album (Kill), but then came this one. The title track doesn't have a single blast beat, and yet it's probably the catchiest thing they've ever written. Most of the rest of the album is what you'd expect (fast and brutal), but the hooks in every song are more polished than anything they've done in a long time. Non-fans won't be completely converted, but anyone who likes the harder side of rock music will have trouble not getting into the title track, if not more. It's the best album they've written in over 15 years. FAVORITE SONG -- "Evisceration Plague"
2. The Red Chord -- Fed Through the Teeth Machine. This band has had an interesting history. Their first album was recorded quickly and on the cheap, but ended up being extremely influential in the math-core genre. Second album tightened their sound, and the pharmacy-inspired lyrics are still a high water point. Third album felt rushed, and was extremely disappointing. They took their time on this one, and it shows. They also went from two guitar players to one, but didn't miss a step. Hints of melody exist in some of the riffs, but they never hint at anything mainstream. They've come back and reclaimed their position as one of the top math-core bands, and I couldn't be happier about it. FAVORITE TRACK -- "Embarrassment Legacy"
1. Mastodon - Oblivion. The guitar comes in with three notes, then four. Then the bass guitar follows. Then the drums. Then, 'I flew beyond the sun before it was time...' and HOLY CRAP, did Mastodon get a new vocalist? Nope, that's the drummer. Then the surprises keep coming throughout the rest of the disc. A concept album about Rasputin, an assassination attempt, and a LOT of acid, Crack the Skye reaches for the stars, and grabs them. I rarely use the word 'epic' to describe an album, but this one deserves it on every level. I tried to put the disc away for a while, because I was afraid I would burn it out. I couldn't bring myself to do it. And yet, it's still just as amazing as it was when I first spun it. I've been a fan of this band since their major label debut, and felt their last two were inspired but inconsistent. This album is distinctively 'Mastodon', but it's much more sprawling and vast than anything else they've ever done. I can't imagine them improving upon this, but I can't wait to see them try. FAVORITE TRACK -- "Oblivion"HONORABLE MENTIONS
These albums were good, but not quite good enough to make the top 10. In alphabetical order, by band:
- Cattle Decapitation - The Harvest Floor (favorite song - "Regret and the Grave")
- Devin Townsend Project - Addicted (favorite song - "Supercrush")
- Goatwhore - Carving Out the Eyes of God (favorite song - "Apocalyptic Havoc")
- Living Colour - The Chair in the Doorway (favorite song - "That's What You Taught Me")
- Muse - The Resistance (favorite song - "Undisclosed Desires")
- Pelican - What We Have All Come To Need (favorite song - "Strung Up From The Sky")
- Suicide Silence - No Time To Bleed (favorite song - "Smoke")
- Suffocation - Blood Oath (favorite song - "Dismal Dream")
Movie and video game lists coming sometime in the next week or so. Until then, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Kwanzaa, et.al.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Quit Apologizing for Thinking Avatar is a Good Movie
You're going to be sorry.My wife can tell you that I'm really terrible at apologizing, even when I know I'm dead wrong about something. This is the main reason that I don't want to see the movie Avatar. Not because it's directed by James Cameron, who I've hated since Titanic became the most over-rated film of all time. Based on the reactions from my friends who have seen the film, apparently it's not acceptable to admit that you like this movie. I am not excited about seeing a movie where I'll probably be apologizing to everyone that I talk to about it.
Most people who have seen the movie say something like: "Don't judge me for saying this, but Avatar really was a good movie." This type of statement coming from people who are generally reviewing movies by saying things like: "If you don't like this movie, you're a hopeless idiot." leaves me concerned that if I see Avatar, I'll spend the next three months trying to justify to people why I thought it was good, as if I'm concerned about what people think of my taste in movies. I think Billy Madison should be on AFI's list of greatest movies of all time for the love of God. Is that something that you would admit if you cared about what people thought?
Titanic was painfully long, cheesy, predictable, and formulaic, if not visually stunning. The predictability was not Cameron's fault, since most anyone who can tie their shoes knows that damn boat is going to sink at the end of the movie. Like the Passion of the Christ, the ending is bound to be predictable. Perhaps liking a movie by the same director as such a piece of cinematic tripe does make one defensive that their credibility will be negatively affected by this admission.
I say, who cares. If you like Avatar, good for you. If you think that Ghosts of Girlfriend's Past is as funny as the Hangover (as someone recently admitted to me), then you have problems. I'm glad we had this talk.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
So long Moral Oral!
We're both dead.When I heard Oral Roberts died earlier this week, it reminded me about an example that you can use when people say that there's no harm from the power of prayer when treating people who have illnesses. I'm not trying to suggest you shouldn't pray, if that's your deal. Oral Roberts represents the worst of what can happen when people of faith are exploited by someone who they think they can trust. Roberts duped his followers out of millions of dollars over the years and claimed to be able to use the power of God to cure people's illnesses. Many of the illnesses that Oral claimed to treat were probably medically treatable. It's impossible to know how many people with actual diseases sufferred longer than they needed to or even died because of this scam artist, but it raises a fundamental issue that crosses lines between medical treatment and religion.
Here's my conundrum: Is this just a type of natural selection where stupid people seek medical advice and treatment from a religious zealot liar? If you believe that God is going to cure your cancer, all the power in the world to you, but I'm not betting on you living very long. If you believe that God has the ability to cure your cancer, but just let all those other cancer victims die, including thousands of kids, you've got some serious megalomania or you believe in a God who falls on the sadism scale somewhere between the John McCain's friends at the Hanoi Hilton and the gang from the film, Hostel.
Oral wasn't alone in his quest for taking money from stupid people. He originated the practice. This is why, while I'm never glad to hear that someone died, I won't cry a single tear for Oral Roberts.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
This Christmas, give your loved one a gift that keeps on giving.
If you've watched any TV in the month of December, you've probably seen a commercial for Kay Jewelers, with a man who's giving a gift to his deaf girlfriend. He comments on how his sign language isn't very good, and she reassures him, then he gives her a Christmas gift, blah blah fuckin' blah. But the best part is the end of the commercial, when he asks her if she likes it. The sign he uses? The Reverse Shocker!
This guy should write a book. Is that actually how you sign 'Do you like it'? Who cares?!? Any excuse to get the Reverse Shocker on TV is a good one.
BONUS: In 'researching' this post, I found some other interesting variations on The Shocker. Enjoy:
The Rocker
The Woodstocker
The Spocker
The Minivan
This guy should write a book. Is that actually how you sign 'Do you like it'? Who cares?!? Any excuse to get the Reverse Shocker on TV is a good one.
BONUS: In 'researching' this post, I found some other interesting variations on The Shocker. Enjoy:
The Rocker
The Woodstocker
The Spocker
The Minivan
Monday, December 14, 2009
Top Ten Lists coming soon
Happy Monday everyone. I thought I'd drop by with a quick note to say that I'm working on a Top Ten of 2009 list for three catagories: Games, Movies, and Rock/Metal albums. Since there will be three lists, they won't be as lengthy as last year's Game list. Hope to have it posted sometime between Christmas and New Years.
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
One year.
365 days. That's how long it's been since my brother passed away. One year, and yet all cliches aside, it still feels like yesterday. Either that means I haven't truly begun the healing process, or he was that important in my life. I think it's both.
Rest in peace, bro.
Rest in peace, bro.
Friday, December 04, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Video of the Month -- Cartman at the Water Park
What happened to Video of the Week? Well, I've been busy and haven't kept up with it. Or, replace 'busy' with 'lazy'. Either or.
So I'm making up for it by posting a video so incredible that it makes up for the lack of recent VotWs: Eric Cartman singing 'Minorities (at My Water Park)'...
The rest of the episode wasn't nearly as sharp, but when they unleash Cartman like they did in this episode, it makes up for it.
P.S. For those of you who don't watch a lot of South Park (which I doubt is too many who come here on a regular basis), this clip may look racist when viewed out of context. However, Cartman is meant by the creators of the show to be looked upon as an asshole.
So I'm making up for it by posting a video so incredible that it makes up for the lack of recent VotWs: Eric Cartman singing 'Minorities (at My Water Park)'...
The rest of the episode wasn't nearly as sharp, but when they unleash Cartman like they did in this episode, it makes up for it.
P.S. For those of you who don't watch a lot of South Park (which I doubt is too many who come here on a regular basis), this clip may look racist when viewed out of context. However, Cartman is meant by the creators of the show to be looked upon as an asshole.
Monday, November 09, 2009
Arnold, you were wrong.
Hey everyone. As you can see, I haven't kept up with the site lately. I've had a lot going on, including the removal of a tumor on my back this morning (Arnold was wrong). It was basal cell carcinoma, which I'm told 'if you would have to choose a form of cancer to have, it'd be' this one. Yeah, so there's that. Also been working like crazy. However, I wanted to make sure you all were in the loop on a little game that releases tonight at midnight.
I've already beaten the single-player campaign, and got in a little multiplayer too. My spoiler-free review? It's all that. Oh, and there's a multiplayer perk in it called 'Bling'. Yeah, it's like they made the game just for me. :) If you pick it up on Xbox 360, send me a friend invite (Lord Bling) and we'll throw down on some noobs!
On another note, The Miles is en route to my hood to hang out for a few days, and not just for MW2 but also for the Dethklok / Mastodon / Converge concert on 11/11. Should be fun.
Hope you're all doing well.
I've already beaten the single-player campaign, and got in a little multiplayer too. My spoiler-free review? It's all that. Oh, and there's a multiplayer perk in it called 'Bling'. Yeah, it's like they made the game just for me. :) If you pick it up on Xbox 360, send me a friend invite (Lord Bling) and we'll throw down on some noobs!
On another note, The Miles is en route to my hood to hang out for a few days, and not just for MW2 but also for the Dethklok / Mastodon / Converge concert on 11/11. Should be fun.
Hope you're all doing well.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
6-0
The Bronco train just keeps rolling. Even with those fuck-ugly 'throwback' uniforms (or as I'm calling them, 'throwup'), Denver looked tough on the road last night against San Diego. One thing they needed to improve upon after a close win against New England last week was the special teams. I'd say they made some adjustments:
Now, I'm not saying they're gonna run the table or anything foolish like that, but it's looking like we should take the division this year. It may be the AFC Worst, but the playoffs are the playoffs. And I'll also say that like all of the 'football experts', I didn't believe they would be this good. I mean, c'mon. Elvis Dumervil, a fourth-round pick in 2006, now leads the league with ten sacks in six games. TEN. That's some Tecmo Super Bowl shit right there. The only question right now is, 'Will the Broncos be good enough to beat a top-tier team, like the Steelers or Colts?' We'll find out the answer to both before this season is over.
On another note, let me say that I HATE Stuart Scott. Hate him. He's not funny, and he never was. 'As cool as the other side of the pillow?' Sounds like an outtake from 'Kids Say the Darnedest Things'. 'Boo-yah?' Is that the sound that football pitching machine made when it drilled you in the face?
Thanks to The Miles for the Photoshop inspiration.
By the way, congratulations to the Kansas City Chiefs, who finally won a game this year. Although by doing so, they might have blown their chance at the only prize they could feasibly win this year (the number-one pick in the 2010 Draft). They still have a shot though, since Detroit also only has one win, and Oakland now has two wins.
Now, I'm not saying they're gonna run the table or anything foolish like that, but it's looking like we should take the division this year. It may be the AFC Worst, but the playoffs are the playoffs. And I'll also say that like all of the 'football experts', I didn't believe they would be this good. I mean, c'mon. Elvis Dumervil, a fourth-round pick in 2006, now leads the league with ten sacks in six games. TEN. That's some Tecmo Super Bowl shit right there. The only question right now is, 'Will the Broncos be good enough to beat a top-tier team, like the Steelers or Colts?' We'll find out the answer to both before this season is over.
On another note, let me say that I HATE Stuart Scott. Hate him. He's not funny, and he never was. 'As cool as the other side of the pillow?' Sounds like an outtake from 'Kids Say the Darnedest Things'. 'Boo-yah?' Is that the sound that football pitching machine made when it drilled you in the face?
Thanks to The Miles for the Photoshop inspiration.
By the way, congratulations to the Kansas City Chiefs, who finally won a game this year. Although by doing so, they might have blown their chance at the only prize they could feasibly win this year (the number-one pick in the 2010 Draft). They still have a shot though, since Detroit also only has one win, and Oakland now has two wins.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Video of the Week -- I needed a good laugh
I needed a good laugh today, and this video did the trick.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Sunday Ramblings: Limbaugh agrees with the Taliban
This blog is almost five years old, and to my knowledge, not once have I ever written about Rush Limbaugh. The Midge brought him up once back in November of 2004, before the training wheels were off the site. That's saying something, because The Midge still has training wheels on his bike. Those things are TALL. But enough about midgets trying to ride grown-up toys. I think it's time to break my anti-Limbaugh streak. Apparently, he doesn't think Obama deserved the Nobel Peace Prize:
'We all agree with the Taliban'. Wow, I didn't know you spoke for all people. Or maybe you only speak for all insanely-out-of-touch neo-conservatives, like Bill Kristol?
Anyone who's ever spent five minutes reading a political article on The Guardian or any other major international news website could tell you that our current president is respected in other countries for being courageous enough to reach out and communicate with nations that the previous administration only wagged a finger at from behind a podium. Does that mean he deserves the Nobel Peace Prize? I'm not wise enough to say who does and who doesn't, which is more than I can say for 'pundits' who don't read international press, like Bill Kristol.
So why, after all this time, am I giving the racist, pill-popping hypocrite space on this site today? I think Sun Tzu said it best:
P.S. If this is too much politics for you this morning, then here's a link you might appreciate: Guy Ritchie called Madonna 'retarded'. I know, right? Funny.
P.P.S. Back to politics. I don't think this deserves a separate post, but I wanted to mention that Dennis Miller recently said that Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity are so far to the right that they're 'off-road', but where did he say this? On The O'Reilly Factor, of course.
Share your thoughts about Madonna in the comments below...
"Our president is a worldwide joke. Folks, do you realize something has happened here that we all agree with the Taliban and Iran about and that is he doesn't deserve the award. Now that's hilarious, that I'm on the same side of something with the Taliban."
'We all agree with the Taliban'. Wow, I didn't know you spoke for all people. Or maybe you only speak for all insanely-out-of-touch neo-conservatives, like Bill Kristol?
Anyone who's ever spent five minutes reading a political article on The Guardian or any other major international news website could tell you that our current president is respected in other countries for being courageous enough to reach out and communicate with nations that the previous administration only wagged a finger at from behind a podium. Does that mean he deserves the Nobel Peace Prize? I'm not wise enough to say who does and who doesn't, which is more than I can say for 'pundits' who don't read international press, like Bill Kristol.
So why, after all this time, am I giving the racist, pill-popping hypocrite space on this site today? I think Sun Tzu said it best:
"If you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles."
P.S. If this is too much politics for you this morning, then here's a link you might appreciate: Guy Ritchie called Madonna 'retarded'. I know, right? Funny.
P.P.S. Back to politics. I don't think this deserves a separate post, but I wanted to mention that Dennis Miller recently said that Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity are so far to the right that they're 'off-road', but where did he say this? On The O'Reilly Factor, of course.
Share your thoughts about Madonna in the comments below...
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Video of the Week -- The Mag Seven
This week, the new album from surf-rock instrumentalists The Mag Seven was released. They had a song on the first Skate video game from EA, and you could also unlock a t-shirt with their band logo on it. This new album is a lot more mellow than their previous punk-inspired stuff, but I also think this is their best album yet.
Here they are live, from a recent performance in Dallas. This song isn't on the new album, but it's similar in style:
To hear more, check out some samples on the Amazon page. I think a lot of you will like it. It's not like anything else out there right now.
P.S. In the interest of full disclosure, the bass player and guitar player are both good friends of mine. They're also broke, so buy the album already ya cheap bastards!
Here they are live, from a recent performance in Dallas. This song isn't on the new album, but it's similar in style:
To hear more, check out some samples on the Amazon page. I think a lot of you will like it. It's not like anything else out there right now.
P.S. In the interest of full disclosure, the bass player and guitar player are both good friends of mine. They're also broke, so buy the album already ya cheap bastards!
Monday, October 05, 2009
Best of the Worst?
Good morning. I thought I'd stop by the site to post this (courtesy of ESPN.com):
Being in first in the AFC West is kinda like winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics, but since we all like to talk our football smack here, consider this the first volley. And if being first in the AFC West is like winning the Special Olympics, what does it say to be in last?
I have no delusions of grandeur. My earlier prediction of a 4-12 season still could come true, especially with the brutal schedule through the next two months. But the defense has allowed an NFL-low 26 points through four games. Dallas was the first true test, and they passed.
In other news, there's still a professional football team in Kansas City. However, there is no word if NFL football is still being played there. Stay tuned for more details...
Being in first in the AFC West is kinda like winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics, but since we all like to talk our football smack here, consider this the first volley. And if being first in the AFC West is like winning the Special Olympics, what does it say to be in last?
I have no delusions of grandeur. My earlier prediction of a 4-12 season still could come true, especially with the brutal schedule through the next two months. But the defense has allowed an NFL-low 26 points through four games. Dallas was the first true test, and they passed.
In other news, there's still a professional football team in Kansas City. However, there is no word if NFL football is still being played there. Stay tuned for more details...
Monday, September 28, 2009
Kill Your TV
I don't want to sound like a bad 80s standup comic, but what the fuck is wrong with TV? Allow me to present two columns of TV shows:
Futurama_______________________King of Queens
Family Guy______________________Everybody Loves Raymond
Robot Chicken____________________The Bill Engval Show
Mad Men_______________________ Gossip Girl
Code Monkeys____________________Two and a Half Men
[BTW, why don't they have Cntrl+Tab functionality in this text editor?]
[BTBTW, why won't this recognize spaces? Why must it fight me? Why must it make my beautiful two-column presentation so ugly? Why must my life be so filled with tiny hardships and aggrevations that make me want to murder people?]
One column is full of innovative, funny, cutting edge shows. The other column contains shows that actually suck the soul out of your body, shatter it with the soul equivalent of a crab cracker, and suck the soul-marrow out of it while making wet chittering noises like the Old Gods. One column contains shows that have been produced steadily for several years. The other column contains exclusively shows that either have been cancelled or that have been on the cusp of cancellation one or more times.
No need to belabor the point, I know you follow me. But, knowing that, follow this reasoning for a second:
1. the readers of this blog are all smart and somewhat sophisticated;
2. we are not utterly alone in this universe, i.e., there ARE other smart people in the country;
3. all of us work for a living;
4. it is possible for large corporations to pay us aboveground swimming pools fully of cash to help them make smart decisions;
5. all TV is made by large corporations;
6. and yet, America's Next Top Model is on, like, season 14 or some shit like that.
Did you see how, at the end, reasoning grabbed the wheel of its 1979 Cadillac El Dorado and swerved it off a cliff and into the shark-infested waters below? Did anyone else find this strange?
And don't give me all that P. T. Barnum "nobody ever lost money underestimating the intelligence of the average American" crap either. Because the #1 problem for network television is that their market share has shrunk EVERY SINGLE YEAR, for over a decade. Remember, when The Daily Show first started saying it was broadcast from World News Headquarters, they were KIDDING. Does anyone even bat an eye at that claim anymore? This falling viewership costs them tons of money, so don't pretend they don't care.
And so, here is the reality that logic inescapably leads us to:
1. Network TV viewership is dropping faster than knickers in a Catholic rectory;
2. This has been true for over a decade;
3. This costs the large corporations who run network TV dumptruck loads of the very money their executives need to fuel their coke and whores addiction;
4. Over the last decade, network TV has, if anything, become even more vapid and despicable;
5. This has done nothing to stem the tide of disgusted viewers fleeing network TV like rats leaving an infected-needle-rusty-spoon-rum-fueled-rape-ship;
6. Indeed, the decline has intensified every year;
7. But yet, network TV continues to get worse.
Sherlock Holmes said that, once you eliminate the impossible, the remainder, however unlikely, is the truth. It cannot be that networks don't care. It cannot be that networks are incapable of hiring people who understand the points raised herein. It cannot be that networks are unable to actually put on good shows, because they occasionally do. The only remaining explanation, therefore, is that network TV executives operate on the same principles that governed Star Trek: The Next Generation, Episode 1-24 ["Conspiracy"]. For those of you too lazy to click, I can summarize thusly: aliens have replaced all major executive, and run the networks for their own creepy, insect-eating purposes.
In closing, you may disagree with my conclusion, but you MUST admit that my conclusion is JUST AS REASONABLE as any other explanation.
Futurama_______________________King of Queens
Family Guy______________________Everybody Loves Raymond
Robot Chicken____________________The Bill Engval Show
Mad Men_______________________ Gossip Girl
Code Monkeys____________________Two and a Half Men
[BTW, why don't they have Cntrl+Tab functionality in this text editor?]
[BTBTW, why won't this recognize spaces? Why must it fight me? Why must it make my beautiful two-column presentation so ugly? Why must my life be so filled with tiny hardships and aggrevations that make me want to murder people?]
One column is full of innovative, funny, cutting edge shows. The other column contains shows that actually suck the soul out of your body, shatter it with the soul equivalent of a crab cracker, and suck the soul-marrow out of it while making wet chittering noises like the Old Gods. One column contains shows that have been produced steadily for several years. The other column contains exclusively shows that either have been cancelled or that have been on the cusp of cancellation one or more times.
No need to belabor the point, I know you follow me. But, knowing that, follow this reasoning for a second:
1. the readers of this blog are all smart and somewhat sophisticated;
2. we are not utterly alone in this universe, i.e., there ARE other smart people in the country;
3. all of us work for a living;
4. it is possible for large corporations to pay us aboveground swimming pools fully of cash to help them make smart decisions;
5. all TV is made by large corporations;
6. and yet, America's Next Top Model is on, like, season 14 or some shit like that.
Did you see how, at the end, reasoning grabbed the wheel of its 1979 Cadillac El Dorado and swerved it off a cliff and into the shark-infested waters below? Did anyone else find this strange?
And don't give me all that P. T. Barnum "nobody ever lost money underestimating the intelligence of the average American" crap either. Because the #1 problem for network television is that their market share has shrunk EVERY SINGLE YEAR, for over a decade. Remember, when The Daily Show first started saying it was broadcast from World News Headquarters, they were KIDDING. Does anyone even bat an eye at that claim anymore? This falling viewership costs them tons of money, so don't pretend they don't care.
And so, here is the reality that logic inescapably leads us to:
1. Network TV viewership is dropping faster than knickers in a Catholic rectory;
2. This has been true for over a decade;
3. This costs the large corporations who run network TV dumptruck loads of the very money their executives need to fuel their coke and whores addiction;
4. Over the last decade, network TV has, if anything, become even more vapid and despicable;
5. This has done nothing to stem the tide of disgusted viewers fleeing network TV like rats leaving an infected-needle-rusty-spoon-rum-fueled-rape-ship;
6. Indeed, the decline has intensified every year;
7. But yet, network TV continues to get worse.
Sherlock Holmes said that, once you eliminate the impossible, the remainder, however unlikely, is the truth. It cannot be that networks don't care. It cannot be that networks are incapable of hiring people who understand the points raised herein. It cannot be that networks are unable to actually put on good shows, because they occasionally do. The only remaining explanation, therefore, is that network TV executives operate on the same principles that governed Star Trek: The Next Generation, Episode 1-24 ["Conspiracy"]. For those of you too lazy to click, I can summarize thusly: aliens have replaced all major executive, and run the networks for their own creepy, insect-eating purposes.
In closing, you may disagree with my conclusion, but you MUST admit that my conclusion is JUST AS REASONABLE as any other explanation.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Video of the Week -- The dopest rapper of all time
Words can't really describe this, but I'll try: It's a cross between Asian Karaoke Man and the Werewolf Poetry Slam?
The debate that I'm having with Lady Bling (not her real name) is whether or not this is real. I think he's really trying to be a rapper, and she thinks it's a put-on. Either way, I'd like someone to add subtitles to it. Chime in with your thoughts in the comment section...
P.S. Thanks to the Felonious Yard Gnome for sending the video along.
EDIT -- I found this kid's SoundClick page! Tons of other songs, and they're all just as terrible.
SECOND EDIT -- He must've gotten tired of people laughing at him, because he set his SoundClick profile to private. No big deal. I downloaded all of his 13 free tracks, and they're just as good as this one. And by 'good', I mean god-awful.
The debate that I'm having with Lady Bling (not her real name) is whether or not this is real. I think he's really trying to be a rapper, and she thinks it's a put-on. Either way, I'd like someone to add subtitles to it. Chime in with your thoughts in the comment section...
P.S. Thanks to the Felonious Yard Gnome for sending the video along.
EDIT -- I found this kid's SoundClick page! Tons of other songs, and they're all just as terrible.
SECOND EDIT -- He must've gotten tired of people laughing at him, because he set his SoundClick profile to private. No big deal. I downloaded all of his 13 free tracks, and they're just as good as this one. And by 'good', I mean god-awful.
Monday, September 21, 2009
I Hate Hippies
So, it's all well and good to say you hate hippies. It's like taking on Nazis, Commies, or Bush II. It's like drowning a crippled newborn puppy. But the thing of it is, you people don't have to live in a city run by hippies. I do. And it sux0r. Some examples:
1. Pot laws. So, it's pretty much totally legal to toke up wherever and whenever you want here in The City. I see bike messengers spark up IN FRONT OF cops. No one cares. Naturally, YOU think this is awesome, and envision the great parties you and your friends with throw, with giant Bob Marley spliffs stuffed with the finest hydroponic being passed back and forth while everyone has a few drinks and a very good time. What you're not thinking about is the fact that the stripper who lives on the third floor of your building will light up when she comes home from work (2:30 a.m.) and turn the lightwell that your bathroom window opens up on into a giant smoke chamber. You, who has a normal job, left the bathroom window open in order to get a breeze through your bedroom, and now you awaken to the smell of Mexican Ditchweed, and need to get your tired ass up, close the window, stumble back to bed, and pass back out. Oh, and all those jobs that you and your friends joked would be pretty bearable if only you could do it stoned? Yeah, everyone who has that job in The City DOES IT stoned. And, while it may be fun to BE the stoned waiter, stoned barrista, stoned Best Buy clerk, etc., it turns out that it is NOT fun to DEAL WITH the stoned waiter, barrista, etc.
2. Street Shitting. People in The City constantly remind you: "it's not illegal to be homeless." They are not amused when you reply "not yet, anyway." Even absent a significant shift in the law, the fact remains that while the status of homelessness is not itself a crime, shitting on my doorstep is a crime, breaking the light over my door so that you can sleep there without being bother by the light is a crime, and breaking your 40 oz. Steel Reserve bottle in front of my breezeway door is a crime. You can spot denizens of cities run by hippies because they have the most mundane vigilante fantasies imaginable. They dream of donning all black, and smashing the hands of graffiti artists with baseball bats. Of making drunk hipsters clean up the pee they just splashed on your garage door----using their tongues. Of making the hobo carry the crap he so carefully laid at your doorstep the extra 5 feet over to the curb, where it won't really bother anyone----also using their tongue. Of picking up the dog poop that douchnozzle decided he didn't need to pick up, and then rubbing it into his face and neck. Then putting a plastic doggy bag over his head, knotting the neck shut, and punching him in the nose. These are the crimes that vex us.
3. Involuntary racism. Admittedly, I think this is less a hippies-run-the-city thing, and maybe more specific to The City itself. But I think The City is actually TRYING TO MAKE ME RACIST. For example, every time I see a Honda Accord driving 45 MPH in the left-hand lane of the freeway, with the left blinker on, I say a little prayer (as soon as I get done swearing and hoping for the driver's death): "Please don't let this be an Asian woman please don't let this be an Asian woman, God, dear God, I'm trying so hard, just meet me halfway and don't let this be an Asian woman." I scarcely need to tell you how the story always ends, except to say that, contrary to her promise, it didn't last long time. And I don't think she really loved me, I think it was just a ploy to get my $5. Every time I see a mid-80s conversion van that comes to a complete stop at every stop sign and always signals its turns, I beg with Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ that the van NOT be loaded with 47 Mexicans. I have yet to have that prayer answered. (Maybe, as the late George Carlin suggested, I should start praying to Joe Pesci.)
That's about all I got.
For now.
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