The Fashion of the Christ?

Earlier, Mel Gibson had a Christ complex. First, he gave us Braveheart, and then it was The Jerusalem Chainsaw Massacre. But it looks like he's over that now. Behold, the George Lucas complex!

Hey Mel: George Lucas and Peter Jackson can pull that frumpy look off because they really ARE frumpy. It also endears them to the nerdy fan base. You, however, used to be a sex symbol, even with a hairstyle that made Michael Bolton jealous. So, what do they call it when Mel Gibson has that hairstyle? A 'Mellet?' But that's another blog topic altogether.

But seriously, Mel. Dress the part. Sean Connery may be pushing 90 years old, but you still don't see him shopping at the thrift store. That's because he's the man.

On another note, why would Mellet hold a press conference just to announce that he's going to start production on a movie? And why does CNN think this is front-page news?

Harriet Meiers Responds

Mullet or Pre-Mullet?

As Mister Bling reported and everyone has heard already on the news, Harriet Miers withdrew from consideration for the Supreme Court, leaving many to wonder why. I think the best policy in situations like this is to consult Miers' own personal website to learn more. She may not know constitutional law any better than I do, but her blog is completely enthralling.

I also added a link to Americablog to the sidebar, which is quite excellent. It's not quite as edgy as the Harriet Miers Blog or Pat Sajak's website.

Speaking of which, you'll recall my previous rant about the host of Wheel of Fortune throwing his political opinions around as if anyone cared that he was a complete facist. If you go to Pat's website, you'll notice that his political opinions have been removed so that they can no longer be accessed from the main page. Pat's explanation is that he didn't have time in his busy schedule of telling Vanna White to turn letters over to write down his simple-minded opinions. But as per usual, I'm calling shenanigans on that bullshit.

If Pat didn't have time to add to it, why not leave up the existing posts and add to it in the future? Not having time now doesn't mean he had to take all the posts completely off the website. My theory is that Pat's publicist is smarter than Pat is, and realized that having Pat's right wing agenda posted on the internet for the world to see wasn't doing Pat or the Wheel of Fortune too many favors in terms of popularity. If you want to see what a crazy right wing moron the host of Wheel of Fortune is, they're still available at the original link, even if said link has been taken off his main page.

In your dreams, George. In your dreams.

So how relieved is the right this morning? Those on the left were waiting with baited breath for the Senate confirmation hearings. It would've been a bloodbath unlike any the Senate had seen! But alas, it was not to be. Now we just have to wonder what could've been.

You have to wonder who asked Miers to withdraw her nomination. You KNOW it wasn't Dubya, because he doesn't care if he's wrong, as long as he 'stays the course.' Was it Karl Rove? Is anyone even listening to his 'advice' right now? Was it Darth Cheney? If I were him, I'd be paying more attention to my cardiologist than Scooter Libby.

That is to say, IF the aides were the only ones involved in the Plame leak. Maybe Jared Fogel's aides are involved too? I'm not ready to put my tin-foil hat on just yet, but until Patrick Fitzgerald comes out of the darkness with some indictments, stay tuned.

Evaluating the Bush Presidency

I received an interesting email this morning from a concerned reader:
"Midget:
The Bush Administration is likely at its darkest hour. You've spent countless hours making a case against them. And you spent all week writing about sports? WHAT THE FUCK??????"

I appreciate your concern. However, there have been times here when I felt like I've been beating a very dead and very partisan horse. It's encouraging that the general public is finally getting a clue about the job he's doing as President. If you click on that link, you can see the trends in the data are not favorable. But that hasn't kept some Republican loyalists from sending me email:

"Ryan, your website is boring because it's so one sided that there's never any real discussion going on here. Can't you admit all the good things that President Bush has done for democracy in the middle east? You're going to delete this message, but I wanted to let you know that I think your site is crap and that you're clueless."

Ouch! I won't even address the fact that this guy capitalized President Bush, but failed to capitalize a region of the world in the same sentence, but I will address the comments about what the President has done in Iraq.

One thing that I will absolutely give President Bush credit for is deposing Saddam Hussein. It should have been done by his father or Clinton, but there is no doubt that it absolutely needed to be done. People who argue this point are no better than our friend with the capitalization problems above.

The problem is that deposing Saddam Hussein wasn't the reason that we invaded Iraq when we did. Remember? We invaded Iraq because Saddam was going to use nuclear, chemical and biological weapons against us and because he was connected with Al Qaeda. Subsequent investigations have revealed that he didn't have those weapons to use and that we jumped the gun. We just hit 2,000 US Soldiers killed yesterday. Not to mention the thousands of innocent Iraqis that have died since our invasion.

The looming investigation of perjury among top Bush Administration officials, including Bush right-hand-man Karl Rove, is related to the Administration's mission to destroy or discredit those who would have evidence indicating that Iraq didn't have intent to develop a weapons program, as the Bush Administration stated thousands of times. Rove revealed to a news reporter that Valerie Plame was a CIA agent, after her husband came out publicly against Bush's statement that Saddam had attempted to purchase weapon's grade uranium. Why is revealing the identity of a CIA agent a crime: click here to find out.

Not to mention, we didn't elect him to be our democracy builder, we elected him to be our President of our country. He's been meeting with Bono and world leaders about world poverty, which is undoubtedly a huge problem, but also a growing one here in America. Bush appropriated billions of dollars for homeland security, but we're still not paying our police and firefighters adequately. 10 million AMERICAN children do not have access to health care.

And then there's nepotism. If you want evidence of what a bad thing nepotism can be, look no further than former FEMA Director Michael Brown and the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. I'm not one of those idiots who blames FEMA for EVERYTHING bad that happened after Hurricane Katrina, but reasonable people can agree that FEMA was highly ineffective, and having the Director of FEMA on CNN after a hurricane blaming the poor because they stuck around for a hurricane sums up Brown's effectiveness in that post. Bush has a long history of such nominations. He didn't help his cause when he nominated his personal lawyer and friend to the Supreme Court, despite the fact that she failed a part of a questionaire on constitutional law.

I am sorry if I disagree that Bush has done a good job as President. If you make a list of good things he has done (deposing Saddam), you can list 30 other instances of complete incompetance. If Bush's only charge as President was to dipose Saddam, you could still make the argument that it was handled poorly and that we invaded under a complete lie. The intelligence showing Iraq had weapons of mass destruction was not misconstrued, it was absent so that it could have never been construed, correctly or not, in the first place. Stand by your man, Republicans. I need a beer.

If only Mike Martz knew Charlie Weis

Perhaps former St. Louis Rams Head Coach Mike Martz should have called the Make A Wish Foundation, instead of calling his former team from home on Sunday. In his latest and most pathetic act, Martz called a team official during the Rams game on Sunday against the homeless New Orleans Saints and tried to suggest a play for the team to run. That team official was denied access to the Offensive Coordinator, so Martz never got the opportunity to have his play used in the game. The Rams won the game anyway.

I bet Martz wishes that Charlie Weis, head coach of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, would have been in charge of the decision. We're all still trying to recover from the heart-wrenching story that Weis allowed a 10 year-old boy with terminal brain cancer to call the team's first play in their game against Washington. And the kid died the day before the game. All of that, despite the fact that the kid called pass right and that Notre Dame's first play from scrimmage was from their own 1 yard-line. I get all misty just writing about it.

Martz, on the other hand, is not dyeing, at least not anymore than the rest of us die a little each time we hear Kelly Clarkson on the radio. Martz did step down as Rams head coach after he was diagnosed with a heart infection, but he's obviously having a hard time letting go. If you were the management of the Rams, I can see why you might not want Martz calling the plays.

Some have dubbed Martz and Offensive Genius, when it comes to play calling. While I would agree that Martz is offensive, his genius is highly questionable. Before he left the team this year, they were 2-3 and lost a big home game to division rival, Seattle. Martz has one of the best young running backs in the NFL, Steven Jackson, and all he did the first 5 games of the season is throw the ball around like he was playing my sister on Madden '06 for Xbox.

Since Martz left, the team is 1-1, and the loss was to the undefeated Indianapolis Colts. The offense has become much more balanced, and I predict that the Rams will improve as the season wears on. Lucky for them they are in the NFC West, which is only marginally better than the NFC North division, so the Rams are hardly out of the race. They're also lucky that Martz won't be allowed by team ownership to call the game from his recliner at home. If the last few weeks have shown anything for the Rams, it's that they don't need Mike Martz.

Also, Brad Lidge sucks.

Deja Vu All Over Again

Oh noes! It's teh meatball!!1!

I almost feel sorry for Brad Lidge. It's been a long season, and his arm obviously doesn't have anything left in it. He brought a 95 mph fastball to the plate last night, but it had absolutely no movement on it whatsoever. Just a couple of months ago, his fastball was dancing all over the place. But SCOTT PODSEDNIK? I guess my earlier comment about David Eckstein hitting one off of him could've been true after all.

Either Lidge's arm is a rubber band right now, or he doesn't have the heart of a champion. Either way, the 'Stros are in big, big trouble.

Ode to the Minnesota Vikings (and their obnoxious fans)

The Love Boat Starring Onterrio Smith's Naked Ass

Maybe it's because I live in the Midwest and because I happen to live close to Minneapolis. Maybe it's because Minnesota Vikings fans are among the most obnoxious people I have ever encountered. Either way, I can't say I'm too disappointed with how the season has gone for those purple-clad morons from the north. This season for the Vikings, or Viqueens as I often refer to them, has provided more drama than anything the Real World Austin could have ever dreamed of.

The season started the same way as most good Greek tragedies: great expectations and high hopes. Pre-season rankings from both ESPN.com and FoxSports.com, among other sports authorities, put the Vikings near the top of the entire league and certainly atop the weakest division in the NFL, the NFC North. Despite the loss of their top wide receiver, Randy Moss, the consensus was that the Vikings were headed for the Playoffs, at least.

Speaking of Randy Moss, the next time I hear a Vikings fan say that the team is better without Randy Moss or use the Raiders as an example of how crappy Randy Moss is, they're going to get a Size 5 shoe up their asses.

The Viking's problems run so much deeper than not having Randy Moss. First and foremost, they suck at playing football. The defense gave up 28 points to a Kyle Orton-led Chicago Bears offense last week. That's the same Bears offense that had a previous high score of 21, against Detroit, in a game where the other QB threw 5 interceptions.

People can talk all they want about Mike Tice's Super Bowl ticket scandle, the Sex Party Boat Ride, or the original whizzinator. While all of those things are embarrassing, they don't change the fact that your team sucks. Controversial things like that happen all the time in sports, and it doesn't stop teams from winning, unless, like the Vikings, they suck at their respective sport. Ray Lewis was charged with murder during some very successful runs for the Baltimore Ravens, something tells me a good team can make it through a sex party and apparent drug use by a fourth-string running back.

Despite all of this, Vikings fans remain faithful to their team, which would be honorable, if they weren't so stupid about it. Example: I was discussing the terrible season that the Vikings were having with one of their diehard fans, and he still holds out hope that the Vikings can win their division. This is the equivalent of hoping Santa Claus will come to visit you after you move out of your parents' house.

I'll admit that the NFC North is the worst division in the NFL, hands down. It will be a fight to the finish to see who sucks the least and gets an obligatory spot in the Playoffs. When it comes down to which team will win the division, it's like comparing turds and how they taste: it's all shit. Despite that, I will pick the Chicago Bears to win the division, since they actually have a decent defense. Detroit has a headcase at QB and are the only team the Vikings have beaten this year. Green Bay lost half of its offensive line, its star receiver, and has an old headcase at QB. Chicago is not a great team, but they will suck the least in the long run, and will be a nice first round bye for whatever lucky NFC team draws them in the playoffs.

To all you Viking fans out there, I would say that there's always next year's draft, but there are so many problems with your team, that it's going to take a lot of years of drafts to fix those problems. There's always hope in free agency as well, if your brand new owner weren't so cheap and terribly bad at it. I know, I know, Yuri Valishnikov or whatever former European Hockey star is the new owner is better than old Red McCombs, but that's not saying a whole lot. Good thing the NHL is back this year, because otherwise it would a long winter in Minnesota.

Paging Uwe Boll .... Uwe Boll ... you have a telephone call at the front desk...

Yeah, it's a shitty MS Paint picture. E-mail me with donations so I can buy Photoshop, and the next one will be better.

It hasn't been long since my last post, so I'll be brief with this one. I saw the film 'Doom' at a press screening last night. The Mister Bling capsule review? Piece of shit. It wasn't even 'funny-bad,' it was 'boring-bad,' which is the worst kind of 'bad' there is. Extremely low-budget, the Rock was under-utilized, and there's hardly any gore in it. They go through all the usual action movie cliches, including my personal favorite, when the good guy and the bad guy put down their guns and fist-fight to the death (never mind that the Doom game is a first-person shooter, not a first-person puncher). And speaking of first-person perspectives, the film has about three minutes towards the end where it mimics the video game. Only problem with this is, it had multiple edits, so it didn't look like the video game. How hard would it have been to make it in one take? It was all CGI anyway. This hack director (whose previous masterpieces were Cradle 2 the Grave and Exit Wounds) couldn't even get that right.

I sat next to a newspaper critic in the screening. He mainly writes video game reviews, so I can't wait until Friday to see what he thought. Then again, he didn't take a single note during the entire film, so I'm guessing he'll agree with my take. The rest of the crowd seemed to.

It's not even worth a rental. Uwe Boll might have made a better film. And WOW, did it hurt me to type that.

Hollywood Update

Did you hear the news? Make sure you're sitting down for this one. The excitement might just knock you on your ass. We all know that Ashton Kutcher is so CLEVER. To add to his long listof accolades that includes Punk'd and uh....Dude Where's My Car.... and uh anyway, he's making a sitcom about a young guy that marries and older woman. Where does he get this solid gold material? Maybe I should write a sitcom about a midget genius with tons of charisma and a special talent for wooing the ladies.



I'm sure you're all very upset to hear about Nick and Jessica's apparent break-up. Forgive me if I have a hard time feeling sorry for him. It's not like he's going to miss having those frequent intellectual conversations with her. Don't get me wrong, his music has sucked from the time the clock struck 0:01 on 98 Degrees first album. His SoulO (how fucking clever is that, he must totally have soul) album is no Dark Side of the Moon, either. As far as I'm concerned, Nick should be the happiest guy in the world. He got to bone Jessica Simpson for a couple years, now he gets out just in time to land a gig with ESPN College Game Day. Touring college campuses each week, surrounded by thousands of college girls. If Ashton needs an idea for a sitcom, that would get my vote.



NEWS FLASH - Paris Hilton is a dirty skank. She has no talent or value to society, aside from the occasional home video. That's something we can all agree on. Talk trash about her all you want though, because any straight man out there would crawl naked through barbed wire just to touch one of her granny boobies. Any man who tells you otherwise is a complete liar.

The entire city of Houston gets owned

Father, it's been more than 30 years since my last confession, mainly because I'm not Catholic, but I have to confess now ... I'm a Cubs fan. So of course, I'm not too excited about the White Sox making it to the World Series, but I'll admit, it's out of jealousy. I don't want Chicago's first World Series championship in almost 90 years to be brought by the South Side, to their meth-addicted mullet-wearing Neckcar fans. My team was five outs away in 2003, but they couldn't shut the door against the Marlins. I'm not about to blame it on
some poor schmuck, because frankly, if Alex Gonzalez hadn't booted the soft grounder hit to him right after that incident,
people would remember the name 'Bartman' the same way those of us raised in the 80's originally did. In the face of adversity, the 2003 Cubs didn't have the heart of a champion. Hurts to admit it, but it's the truth. Almost as painful is that I live in Dallas, Texas, and have to hear all these fair-weather Astro fans (who were Ranger fans until September) run their holes, as if they actually care about anything other than how ugly the Cowboys have been winning right now.

Having said all that, how on earth could Brad Lidge throw that 'slider' to Albert Pujols last night? It wasn't even a slider, it was an 'er,' cuz it had no 'slide' to it at all. David Eckstein could've hit that pitch out, much less a world-class masher like Pujols, and with that whiffle-ball left-field, well .... let's just say that the ball Pujols hit still hasn't landed. If you watched the game last night, you probably noticed how amped up the crowd was at Enron Field ... until that underhand sausage was put on the plate by Houston's 'closer.' After that, it sounded like the entire city gasped. And of course, I couldn't stop laughing. Mainly because it's not my team getting owned (for a change).

Father, it's been two minutes since my last confession. I'm spiteful against the Astros because I took a weekend trip to Houston this summer to watch two Cubs/Astros games, and watched as my Cubs got pummelled both games. Yeah, yeah, I know the drill, cuz I've watched enough movies. Five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers. Got it.

P.S. Yes, I know it's technically called Minute Maid Park, but only Astros fans and sportscasters call it that. The rest of us remember. And yes, 'Pujols' is pronounced 'Poo-holes.'



huh huh huh huh huh huh

MEDIA PANDEMIC!!!!!

Readers of this page can tell you, I'm no fan of the news media. Many people despise the mainstream media to the point that it's almost become a hip cliche, paricularly among bloggers. However, I'm not one of those individuals who has the inflated sense of self-importance to believe that somehow what I'm doing here is better than what Anderson Cooper or Brit Hume does. The difference is that I don't have the responsibility to provide the correct information. The media does have this responsibility, but fails miserably in supporting it.

Example? Bird Flu. Every major mainstream media outlet has frontpage coverage of Bird Flu. MSNBC.com even has an entire subsection of the website dedicated to the latest information about Avian Influenza. A common theme in the media coveraage is the use of the word "pandemic" and headlines like "Dire outlook for bird flu." "No nation prepared for bird flu."

However, if you look at facts provided by the World Health Organization, it paints a stark contrast to what we're seeing in the media. Much like the SARS coverage from the last few years, the mainstream media has taken a health issue, and created unjustified paranoia. If you read the above link from WHO, you'll learn, among other things:

• Avian Flu is common worldwide, and has been for years.
• Avian Flu generally infects only birds and pigs.
• A previous "outbreak" of Avian Flu occurred in Hong Kong in 1997 infected 18 people, and killed 6. Healthcare workers who cared for infected individuals did not have severe symptoms.
• 60 people in Asia have died so far in this most recent "outbreak".

Nevermind that approximately 63,000 people die every year from People Flu. Forget the fact that worldwide, nearly 3.1 million people die from AIDS annually. The mainstream media wants you to be worried about Bird Flu. Or Shark Attacks. Or What Danger Lurks in Your Home. Think I'm just being a dick? Enter What Danger Lurks In Your Home into Google and browse through some of the 340,000 results that you get, and how many of them are news reports about things that probable are neither dangerous nor in your home.

The point is that Avian Flu, Shark Attacks, and Danger that Lurks in Your Home are worth worrying about. But, it's apparent from our little excercise that the media distorts the relative importance of these issues. I was going to make a bar graph comparing AIDS deaths to good old Human Flu deaths and Avian Flu deaths, but your computer screen is not large enough to get the scale right. The Avian Flu deaths would be the thickness of Dick Cheney's weiner and AIDs deaths would be the length of mine. Question what you read, see, and hear, even from this site, since you never know when I'll be pulling your leg.

Ask about it at work

This interesting news item grabbed my attention earlier today. Reader's Digest Version: Company (AFLAC) has strict moral conduct policy for employees. Employees engage in immoral behavior, as employees tend to do, at least in every job I've ever had. Wife of employee engaged in said behavior also company employee. Wife sues company for failing to uphold own moral policy after pictures of said immoral behavior circulate among fellow employees.

Call me a liberatarian, if you wish (I've been called worse), but what the hell is a company like AFLAC doing having a policy governing what their employees do outside of work? The whole business of circulating sex pictures of an affair through the place where both you and your wife are employed is obviously deplorable, if not sophmoric. The two idiots in question would likely get the boot in any employment situation, not just one with an annoying duck as their spokesperson and some policy that their employees must not engage in immoral behavior. You see, my friends, circulating sex pictures at work is sexual harassment, no matter how much you want your coworkers to see how well your girlfriend does the reverse cowgirl.

AFLAC is not the only company on the block who tries to hold their employees to higher moral standards. The problem with moral standards, particularly with vague policies like AFLAC's, which reads: associates not engage in "conduct involving moral turpitude, dishonesty, fraud, deceit (or) wilful misrepresentation." is that moral turpitude is not a standard concept. Such policies can be used against any employee who's lifestyle doesn't meet the company moral standard, whatever that may be. It could be used to discriminate against gays, transgendered people, and even midgets, since we all know how midgets have a penchant for immorality.

Employees don't need morality policies since any behavior that occurs on the job is likely governed by other policies created by lawyers and everybody's favorite department at work, human resources. Not only has AFLAC's case shown the uselessness of such policies, but they aren't even enforcing their own high moral standards. I've had a lot of jobs, and I've never been lucky enough to have pictures of two of my coworkers fornicating passed around the office.

I hope that AFLAC loses the case, stops trying to (ineffectively) regulate their employees behavior, and drops their ridiculously annoying ad campaign, which only increases the likelihood that I will eat a duck for Thanksgiving this year.

Vote for your Favorite Post of the Last Year

Believe it or not, this website is almost one year old. In celebration and recognition of the event, we will feature the top 3 posts from the past year. You have almost 150 to choose from at this point. Click on the Angry Archives on the sidebar to find your favorite. Then email me your choice for favorite post at ryanthenangrymidget@hotmail.com . The winner will be announced on our first birthday, November 4, 2005. We will also be naming the least favorite post, so if you have an opinion along those lines, feel free to share that with me via email as well.

Belated Welcome and Rants About PETA

Their love was strictly forbidden by state law...except in Arkansas, where this photo was taken.

Let me first take the time to welcome Mister Bling to the fray. He's been a constant contributor to the site from day one, and I figured I might as well add another perspective to the site. If you're interested in becoming a contributor, show us your skills in the comment section and you might find yourself writing here.

I have ranted about People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) for as long as I have been able to rant. With all the problems that we face in the world today with war, genocide, lack of healthcare for children, child abuse and the like, here is a group of people with screwed up priorities. An organization that wastes millions of dollars every year trying to keep me and other Americans from using their canines.

On Friday, something happened that was completely unexpected and hilarious. I have meetings on Friday, so I almost always have to grab a quick lunch. On Friday, I chose Kentucky Fried Chicken. They have these new flavors of sauce for their wings that are all out of sight. Two very saucy thumbs up, but I digress.

Pulling into the drive through at KFC, I was cutoff by an asshole in a Ford Explorer, who was in such a hurry, one had to wonder if he had diarrhea or something. As I sat in the drive thru waiting for my order, the guy hops out of his Explorer, and is wearing a chicken suit. I think "Wow, KFC has a really great idea for getting people's attention."

I continue through the drive thru and pick up my order. As I wait for the attendant to get my change, I notice a group of people at the front of the drive thru holding signs that say www.kentuckyfriedcruelty.com with pictures of dead chickens on them. This is the point where I KNOW that this is not a marketing campaign for KFC. I also see the guy from the SUV sitting in a wheelchair, portraying what I can only imagine is an injured chicken. I start thinking about how the chicken I'm about to eat will NOT need a wheelchair when I'm done with them.

As I start down the drive thru, a million thoughts cross my mind: 1) Yell 2) Throw your wings 3) Point out that thousands of animals are killed when you harvest soy beans to make tofu. I'm obviously nervous, and as I approach the end of the drive thru, a women descends on my car with a sign bearing the image of a dead chicken that says "Chicken is Murder".

Do I say something witty or offensive? Nope. All I can muster as she tries to hand me a pamphlet is "Chicken is good." In my moment of truth, face to face with those I despise, the best thing I can come up with is "Chicken is good"? Needless to say, I wanted to go back through the drive thru again, and replay the encounter, but it would have lost it's punch, so to speak. Next time, however, I will be prepared.

Know your audience!

Before I begin, I wanted to say 'hello' to all of you who visit this site. You may have seen my name in the comment board once in a while. As it turns out, the Angry Midget got tired of my posting there, and tried to ban me from his blog. However, he did not know that I have 1337 Haxxor skills, and cracked the 15,809 bit encryption on his page, so I now can post entire topics here (Cue evil laugh ... muwhahahahaha)! When I feel like ranting, I'm going to hack in and post, and there's nothing Ryan or any of his angry midget pirate army can do about it!

So for my first rant, I want to talk about the woman who got kicked off of a Southwest flight for wearing a t-shirt with a picture of Bush and Cheney on it that said 'Meet the Fuckers.' Message boards are already lighting up about this, but for political reasons, like, "Southwest are a bunch of fascists!" Folks, let's get something straight. This was not done for political reasons. Take the picture of the president and the vice president off of it, and it's just a t-shirt with a swear word. If you're going to go into a public place wearing a shirt with an obscenity on it, you're running the risk of being kicked out of that place. That's a pretty basic fact, but apparently that woman was sick the day they taught common sense in school.

When I was at the Sounds of the Underground tour earlier this summer, a kid who didn't look old enough to vote had the very same shirt on. But since 90 percent of the bands who performed at that festival use swear words in their songs, I'm sure no one cared. The moral of the story? Know your audience. Sounds like common sense, right? Here's another piece of free common sense advice: don't wear a racist shirt to school, especially if people of other races go there. In fact, don't wear the shirt at all, unless you're in a big hurry to get your ass kicked.

Now, having said that, I feel like I have to come clean about something. I like death metal. A lot. Ask the Angry Midget. Most of the music in my collection is even angrier than he is. But some of it is very lyrically positive as well. Some of the bands I like are (GASP!) Christian. Personally, believe what you want. I don't care what you believe, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't bother yourself with what I believe. As long as your music rocks, the lyrics mean very little. But for the sake of full disclosure, I'll share a moment from my life with you. I went to a concert last year where a few Christian metal bands performed, and I wore THIS shirt:

I didn't get kicked out of the venue. In fact, I got major props from a guy there. Granted, he was wearing a Slayer shirt, but that counts, right?

If I wore this shirt on a plane flight, I might get a dirty look or two, but no one could kick me off the plane without getting a call from my lawyer twenty minutes later. I'd have to flip a coin to decide which Constitutional Amendment I wanted to invoke. Technically, there's nothing offensive about the shirt. Don't believe me? If you took it to the MPAA, they'd give it a PG rating. But the main reason I wore it? I like fucking with people, especially if I know they're not going to do anything about it. Unlike our current president, most Christians believe in that whole 'turn the other cheek' thing (even the metalheads), so I wasn't expecting anyone to approach me about it (and I was right, no one did). And even if they did, I'd just take a page from Bill Hicks's book, and say, "Well, you're a Christian. Forgive me." Works every time.

Know your audience.

Who is this frightening old woman?

The reason pillowcases were invented.

President Bush named his choice to fill Sandra Day O'Connor's vacancy on the Supreme Court this morning, long-time advisor and legal council Harriet Miers. Because little is known about Miers and she has no judicial record, having never been a judge, the only thing that's a certainty at this point is that Ruth Bader Ginsburg will be the most physically attractive woman on the Supreme Court, once again edging out Justices Scalia and Thomas.

The amount of sheer speculation surrounding Miers in the media is incredible. Bush may have selected her simply because she has no judicial record by which to be evaluated. From a strategic and political standpoint, however, Bush could have nominated William Bennett, even after last week's comments, and probably gotten him confirmed by the Republican Congress.

Miers may eventually turn out to be an under the radar conservative voice that Bush needs to swing the Supreme Court. The problem with that thinking is that Bush didn't have to do that. Republicans control Congress by enough votes that Bush could have nominated someone with an incredibly conservative judicial record and unless they rape and murder babies in their spare time, they could probably get confirmed.

One good sign is that some conservative Congressmen and right-wing groups are already voicing their concern regarding Miers' nomination. These groups and individuals, however, may just be searching for assurances that Bush's nominee would consider overturning Roe v. Wade.

I doubt seriously that President Bush would nominate someone to the Supreme Court who was Pro-Choice and not completely conservative. The lack of information on Miers may be exactly what the President wants in a nominee, because less ammunition exists to be used during the confirmation hearings. Stay tuned in the coming days to see what we new details we learn about Miss Miers.