Conversations with Drunk People

I'm sure many of you are wondering about the bus last night, and I am going to do my best to get pictures of the festivities sufficiently de-identified, so that they may be posted here for your review.

In the meantime, I can tell you that a fun time was had by nearly 30 friends and even some strangers and we consumed what can only be described as an asinine quantity of booze. The night ended without anyone puking on the bus, which frankly surprised me. However, another one of this blog's co-writers only made it 10 feet off the bus and into my neighbor's yard before dialing up our good friend Ralph. Here's to you Lepto.

What dawned on me last night was that there are certain topics of conversation that absolutely only occur when you're talking with either drunk people or small children, both situations lacking any entertainment value if you are sober. If I had started keeping track of these conversations in college, I could have written a book. Instead, I will highligh three of my favorites. Feel free to add more under comments.

The first example is best expressed by the following graph:

This might be an explanation why you hear a bunch of drunk people singing "Love on the Rocks" at the top of their lungs. I had no fewer than 3 conversations about how rad Neil Diamond is on Saturday night. Unless you're drunk, people don't talk about how much they love Neil Diamond.

My second example of a topic that people only discuss when they're boozed is application and management of sex toys. I would say a good number of people that I call my friends have some sort of sex toy. I only know this about the people I drink with, because otherwise, people don't discuss it. Give my friends and acquantainces a few beers and all that talk about sales figures and litigation and grant funding turns into butt plugs, dildos and butt beads. I think it's great that people use these things, but I find it interesting it only comes up when people consume a bottle of Jamison and two tall boys of the High Life.

The final example I will give is related to what people actually think of your girlfriend / spouse. Like any example of conversations had with drunk people, the lack of inhibition provided by Mormon Demon Water can steer the topic of conversation towards good things (see # 2 above) or bad things that create hard feelings. The bus crawl was not without an example of this sort of conversation either. While my lovely wife was telling her entire extended family what she really thought of her cousin's wife, another bus rider was getting read the riot act because his girlfriend had elected to stay home.

If the involved parties had been sober, the conversation might have started something like this:
"Oh, you have a girlfriend? What is she doing on this fine evening?"
What actually was said on the bus:
"Your girlfriend is a bitch for not coming on the bus with us. What is she too cool? Your relationship is doomed."

I wish I were making that up. Feel free to add your favorites under comments.