Palin in recent historical perspective

I can't remember a time in my life when there was a larger disparity between the Vice Presidential candidates for the two major parties. Sarah Palin is possibly the worst Vice Presidential nominee in modern history. When you consider her company in this category, being the worst Vice Presidential nominee in modern history is a dubious distinction to say the least. Let's consider our nominees:

Sarah Palin
At first when conservatives reacted negatively to McCain's nomination of Palin, I thought it might just be their typical "let's eat our young before they grow up to be liberals" instincts, but the more we learn about her, the more it seems like maybe those same conservative strategists aren't complete morons.
- The only supreme court case Palin knew about and could comment on was Roe v. Wade. I don't believe that the VP needs to be a Constitutional Scholar, but if you're running against one, you might want to know more than just Roe v. Wade. Most importantly, she seems proud of how little she knows about everything. With an aging and cancer-riddled McCain, don't you want to nominate someone who could possibly run the country?


Dan Quayle
Dan Quayle is probably widely regarded as the worst and most embarrassing VP in American history. Quayle is the perfect storm of a weak selection process, bad candidate, and the fact that most Americans don't know about Presidential history, let alone VP history. Even on the eve of his selection at the 1988 Republican Convention in New Orleans, his own party couldn't believe the pick and stated it publicly. Sound familiar? Spelling gaffes aside, Quayle did have experience in the US House and US Senate, although he publicly stated that Mars and Earth were in the same orbit. To say that Palin is another Dan Quayle is not really fair to Quayle, since he does have government experience at the federal level and actually finished law school instead of a series of stints a community colleges. You didn't think there was such a wide spectrum of idiocy did you?


Vice Admiral James Stockdale
Ross Perot's running mate during the 1992 President Election has become a bit of a political punchline, mostly because of his erratic appearance during the 1992 VP debates. What people may not know is that Stockdale is one of the most decorated officers in the history of the US Navy and has a Master's degree from Stanford. He was the President of the Navy War college and like John McCain, a prisoner of war during Vietnam. An interesting contrast to McCain, Stockdale had this to say about his POW and military service (see if you can spot the contrast):

It was so different from Quayle and Gore. The four years in solitary confinement in Vietnam, 7½ years in prisons, drop the first bomb that started the...American bombing raid in the North Vietnam. We blew the oil storage tanks of them off the map. And I never—I couldn't approach—I don't say it just to brag, but, I mean, my sensitivities are completely different.

Nonetheless, Stockdale was widely considered to be a nut, only based on his VP debate, despite the fact that depending on your list of qualifications for VP, many might consider him more qualified than Dan Quayle.

What's amazing to me is that even among individuals considered to be the worst VP nominees in modern history (fairly or unfairly), Palin manages to make Dan Quayle seem imminently qualified. That's what I call an unfortunate accomplishment.

Get back to school...

Awww....memories...

Video of the Day -- Barack Roll

If you've been on the internets for longer than six months, odds are good that you've been Rickrolled at least once. In terms of internet memes, it was one of the biggest of the last few years. However, it has slowed down considerably as of late, which probably isn't a bad thing. But someone found a new way to breathe life back into this one...

The Devil Wears Wal-Mart?

So, I was watching the debate last night and saw nothing of real importance come from either camp. Except that neither of the candidates made any real gaffs and that Palin's head didn't exploded only to have Jesus take her place behind the podium. Then I began listening to the post debate "analysis" and it was no surprise that they tried to paint Palin as an everyday, down to Earth, no nonsense kind of gal, and this got me thinking.

When the FUCK did it become so terrible to be educated in this country? Joe-6-Pack, hockey mom's are pit bulls with lipstick, and every woman that voted for Clinton did so because she had a vagina, not because she has a graduate degree, or the fact that she may know a little something about how things work in Washington. How ridiculous are these arguments? Are we done shilling to every jag-off that can't admit their real problem with Obama is that he is a black guy?

I understand that the everyday working guy likes to have a beer, hell I'm one of them, but I also feel a strong desire to better myself and my situation by using what little intellect I have been "blessed" with by furthering my education. Why would we want someone to lead us that is an everyday person? This makes no sense. If you don't think you are better than me, then don't try to LEAD ME! If I thought that you were going to do the same fuck up, run the country into the ground, I'm too drunk at 3am to answer anything bullshit, I would run myself. However, I recognize the fact that there are people out there smarter than I in the arena, of lets say, running a country. This means that I would rather have you do it as oppose to me. In a year where we cannot afford, quite literally, to fuck this up, we don't need anymore lip stick on a pig.

Via Con Dios,
HCP

Just in time for tonight's VP debate:

Found this on someone's Twitter update last night and had to post it here:

Video of the Week -- Omazing Grace

Now this is what I'd call a 'joyful noise.' Be sure to stick around for the show-stopping finale!

Whooooops!

Listen, I'm going to be very up-front here: the Chiefs SUCK this year. Really. I mean, we're going to be lucky to go 8-8. QB problems (even aside from our injured starter), OL problems, plus LJ has been pretty unpredictable in terms of performance. The Donkeys, on the other hand, look pretty good. I mean, they won't win the AFC West, because they're not the Chargers. But it's possible they'll be a wildcard team and get eliminated in the first round of the playoffs.

But not if they play the way they played today. Playoff teams don't lose to 0-3 dogs. Playoff teams don't get blown out by 0-3 dogs. Playoff teams beat 0-3 dogs. They HAVE TO. Because you only play 16 games, and even playoff teams only win about 12 of them. And if you can't beat 0-3 dogs, who are you going to beat?

So, Chiefs fans have a little bit to celebrate. Not much, because the team still sucks. But they played pretty well today. And Donkeys fans need to ask themselves: is this just a 1-game misfire, or do the Donkeys have deeper-seated problems? If it's the former, how does the team keep from doing it again? Because the Donkeys are about 4 more losses away from not making the playoffs. If it's the latter, prepare for a long season of Donkey-based disappointment. I should know---I've been there.

McCain Wins Debate! ...... (Wait ...what? The debate hasn't happened yet?)

Yup. That was an ad on today's Wall Street Journal online edition. Do older people have problems being 'premature?'

Oh c'mon. You knew there was a dick joke coming.

Here's the ad in it's natural habitat:



Why watch the debate? It's already over!

Undecided voters are like that girl you dated in college who couldn't decide between Denny's and Applebee's

With the clock ticking down to the Presidential election in November, I continue to be amazed about the percentage of voters who are undecided about their choice for who will be the next leader of our country. Granted, it's like 4-5% in the latest polls, but to me that means that 4-5% of people they polled can't wipe their own asses.

I personally think if you are undecided in this election that you're either dead or an idiot. I don't want to hear a bunch of bullshit about how neither candidate is particularly a good choice. That's the very definition of a cop out. When have we had a presidential election during our lives that hasn't been a choice between a giant douche and a turd sandwich? Quit pretending that the way our political system works would result in anything other than two really rich political insiders being the candidates. We all recognize this fact, some of us just recognize that intelligent people can still make an informed decision about who would do the best job. And I think Obama is probably the best candidate we've had since Clinton, but I'm a commie pinko liberal, so take that for what it's worth.

This election, in particular, makes me even more irate that some people can't seem to decide. For the first time ever, you have two candidates that are pro-choice and pro-stem cell research, so unless you're going to right in Ron Paul or something equally idiotic, quit trying to tell me that because Palin is McCain's running mate that you're still voting against abortion when you vote for McCain. Conservatives are really showing that abortion is just a wedge issue that they've used to their advantages to gain support from naive voters who don't realize that who they elect for President has no bearing whatsoever on whether or not a woman can choose to have an abortion. In case you haven't noticed, we've had the most pro-life administration (at least when it comes to domestically-conceived fetuses and not children who live in Iraq), and abortion is still as legal as ever. Those of you who really care about abortion have been had. Bamboozled. Stop using it as your candidate litmus test.

Instead look at the economy. John McCain's campaign manager was on the payroll for Freddie Mac until August. You know, one of the giant mortgage companies involved in the current economic crisis right? I'm not sure how McCain has any credibility on the economy. And his running mate has been playing way too much Command and Conquer: Red Alert, believing that Russia is our next largest enemy, to notice the economic crisis. Apparently, Palin actually believes that Alaska's proximity to Russia = foreign policy experience. That's like saying because I work in a hospital that does surgery that I have surgical experience. Let me tell you that you do not want me operating on you.

Issues that would help people to become decided abound. At this point, if you haven't decided, the only message that you're sending is that you're not smart enough to evaluate the issues.

Video of the Week -- chase scene from 'District B13'

Here's a hyper-kinetic chase scene from the French action film 'District B13'. It was released on DVD in 2005, and was produced by Luc Besson (La Femme Nikita, The Professional). The person being chased in this scene is one of the original inventors of the sport/art known as 'parkour', or sometimes also referred to as 'free-running.' If you like what you see here, track the movie down and give it a rent sometime. The cover art is pretty bad, and the plot is a thinly-veiled rip-off of 'Escape from New York', but the pacing is fantastic, and it's got some of the best stunt work I've seen in a film in years (as evidenced by the clip you're about to see):



P.S. This video clip is in French with no subtitles, but the DVD and Blu-Ray both are subtitled in English, or have a really bad English-dubbed track for the illiterate...

P.P.S. We'll just go ahead and make it a Video Double Feature this week. Here's another action scene from the same movie. Visceral, well-edited, and completely over-the-top:

Now HERE'S some polling results

Never mind Gallup or CNN. How are Obama/Biden and McCain/Palin tracking with Xbox Live members?

Obama/Biden -- 43%
McCain/Palin -- 31%
Undecided -- 13%
Other -- 13%

Over 100,000 voted in the poll, although I'd be curious as to the average age. I'm also curious to know who the 'Other' voters wanted. Ron Paul? Ross Perot? If it's the 'enlightened' children I usually end up in a lobby with, they probably wrote in David Duke.


A definite positive out of all this is over 55,000 people registered to vote through Xbox Live or Xbox.com. I wonder how many of those will vote? Or how many of them wouldn't have registered without the service?

Video of the Week -- Ernie and Bert go Brutal

Video of the Day may not be the greatest idea for this site, since we don't get as many posts or hits as we used to, so instead of flooding it with video clips, I'm gonna switch it up to Video of the Week. Here's one that you'll all like, even if you don't like heavy music:

Video of the Day -- Letterman at Taco Bell

Hello there everyone. I'm gonna start something here called 'Video of the Day', where once a day, we post something funny, weird, or informational. Maybe it'll give us all a reason to come by on a daily basis?

We'll start this off kinda light:

You can put lipstick on a liar...

I'm sure that all of you reading this have probably heard numerous times about the statement that Joseph Goebbels, Minister of Propaganda for Hitler's National Socialists, made about telling lies. To review, he averred that " If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it." Now, I don't begin to morally equate Sarah Palin or the folks running John McCain's campaign with Hitler or the Nazi party, but it seems like some of them are well-versed on Joe Goebbels' philosophies. The most glaring case in point is the oft-repeated and unwavering assertion that Sarah Palin took the high ground against earmarks and pork barrel spending by defiantly telling the federal government that she didn't want their dirty money for the famous "Bridge to Nowhere". I'd never even heard of this bridge before Sarah Palin's acceptance speech at the Republican Convention, but she and McCain and the G.O.P. have been putting this thing up in lights since then. It's as if this bridge thing has become a signature characteristic of Sarah's, and it's supposed to demonstrate to us all her credentials as a reformer and maverick against the Old Boys Club and Government As Usual. I won't be surprised if they starting writing it across the sky in letters hundreds of feet tall.

What baffles me is the fact that they keep trotting this story out when it has been demonstrated from Day One of the McCain/Palin ticket that the campaign's official version of the story is a lie, or at the very least a blatant effort to distort the facts and mislead those who hear about it. On the radio, on the television, and in print, I keep hearing and reading what really happened. In a nutshell, Sarah was all about getting a bucket full of federal dollars and building this bridge in Alaska until she found out that the feds were going to make Alaska go Dutch on the project, and her support was suddenly a negative thing. At that point, she did the politically expedient thing and declared that she was against waste and excess, and Alaska never wanted that bridge anyway. According to published accounts, first she was for something, and then she was against it. Why does that sound familiar? Oh, yeah! That's the kind of behavior that Republicans were calling "waffling" at the time of the last presidential election. And weren't they saying something about how we shouldn't have as a national leader someone who waffles and can't make a decision and hang onto it like grim death? But I'm getting off on a tangent, and this waffling thing isn't what I'm aggravated about. What I'm aggravated about is that Palin and the Republicans running the McCain campaign are insisting on telling a skewed version of the story. They are ignoring the truth and the fact that some are even calling them liars. Instead, they seem to be banking on the hope that Joe Goebbels had the inside track on human nature, and, if they tell the same lie enough times, everyone will believe it is the truth...or at least give up on fighting it.

To be honest, I don't care that much that Sarah Palin was looking to gouge the government for a bunch of money. Elected officials do it all time. That doesn't excuse it, but it doesn't make Sarah Palin any worse that most representatives in the higher levels of government. I do care that she is distorting the facts to make herself appear to be better or different, though. And I do care that the McCain/Palin campaign thinks we're too stupid to figure out the truth. Call me self-centered, but I feel it's insulting to me personally. One shouldn't expect to get away with bullshit like that in the Age of Information.

In addition to what Goebbels said, I read another quote the other day that I think describes this whole thing to a 'T'. Jacques Ellus once said that “(Propaganda) proceeds by psychological manipulations, character modifications, by creation of stereotypes useful when the time comes - The two great routes that this sub-propaganda takes are the conditioned reflex and the myth”. The Republicans are make a huge deal of the Bridge to Nowhere issue, and, in my opinion, they are making every effort to perpetuate a myth about it. And one man's myth-building is another man's lying.

To put a different spin on recently reborn piece of homegrown wisdom...You can put lipstick on a liar, but she's still a liar.

What does Sarah Palin like more than making babies?

Pork. And I'm not talking about the incredibly tasty and versatile meat that comes from pigs. The Palin/McCain ticket is turning out to be quite the contradictory experience.

-He's pro choice. She's anti-choice and includes making babies as her favorite past-time.

-He's looking for budget and political reform. She has been part of the problem as Gov. of Alaska. "Palin has sought about $450 million in earmarks from the state's congressional delegation since becoming governor, and about $27 million for Wasilla during her second term as mayor from 1998 to 2002, according to state records and documents from the Washington-based watchdog group Taxpayers for Common Sense."

-She's on the ticket for her sex appeal and extreme conservativism. He's on the ticket because he's old and white and all the other Republican nominees were just a little more bat-shit crazy.

Probably the least shocking part of the whole thing is how quickly the true colors are shining through for the Republican party. Palin even has Dr. James Dobson saying it's Ok for teenagers to get knocked up outside of marriage, as long as we have a Republican in the White House. That goes to show that the guiding principles of the Republican party aren't family values, but self preservation.

And the hits just keep on comin' from The Daily Show

The Daily Show on Sarah Palin

Thanks to Miles for sending the link.

Benedict Lieberman

I do not have a whole lot of time to write an intricate post; however, I couldn't not put something up about this. Ol'Ben Lieberman is the biggest turn coat since the man whose name he now bears, thanks to yours truly. I cannot believe that we once considered this man for the vice presidency. I have seen countless interviews with him stating that the democrat party has lost it's way, and how we don't hold true to our core principles and values anymore. I have only one thing to say to that, "hey kettle, your black." This worthless motherfucker, yeah I said it, has done everything he can to bring down the party that help to put him in the position that he so enjoys today. And not only did he come out and endorse McCain, but he proceeded to lick Sarah Palin's boots to go along with it. I never thought that I would see him anywhere endorsing a radical pro-life, pro-gun, anti-government candidate with a straight face. Eloquence may be no substitute for a record; but at this point, it's a welcome substitute to the current shoot first ask later politics we so enjoy today.

Hypocrisy: A case study

You all know how I feel about PETA. It's not really a secret that I think if you belong to PETA, you're a hypocrite unless you grow your own food and don't drive a car. I got a kick out of PETA's recent advertising campaign to spay and neuter your dogs, which I actuall agree with completely. The interesting part is featuring professional penis holster Jenna Jameson in the nude. Now I KNOW this girl eats meat because I've seen the footage. She might not ingest meat from animals, but she's probably spent half of her adult life with some dude's meat in her mouth. Not exactly a ringing endorsement against eating meat.

Harriet Myers ... Katherine Harris ... Sarah Palin?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

F.oxtrot U.incorn C.harlie K.ilo

So here we are once again!! Another fucking year gone by, and guess what, it's time for the Rocky Mountain Showdown. Now I understand that I am the only person on this website that probably gives two shits about this game, but I'm fucking pumped up for the ass kicking that my Rams are going to give the Buffs this Sunday. I'm so excited that I'm going to grill up some buffalo burgers just to celebrate while I watch the ass pounding that will ensue. GO RAMS!!!!

-ps: In an effort to fully disclose, I'm sure that this will be a tight game all the way to the end, and I am also fully aware that I have left my self completely open for ridicule after the game; however if you can't show love for your team, who can you show love for? At least I'm not a Kansas Shitty Queefs fan, right?

At this very moment you are a male human being

I haven't posted much lately, but work has kept me traveling quite a bit this past month. I'll get a real update on here at some point this weekend. But in the meantime, I thought I'd post something I know most of you will appreciate.

Baseball and Border Patrol

So I'm watching the Cubs / Marlins baseball game on WGN, and I see an ad on the outfield wall for recruitment into the Border Patrol. Granted, it was in Florida, but still, I thought it was a little odd to see at a ballpark. It's in not only one, but two separate spots on the outfield wall (just outside the foul poles in left and right field). My Cubs weren't doing too well, so I thought I'd kill some time and go check out the website.


First off, we're greeted with enormous pictures of a black man and two Hispanics. Apparently, these large and imposing pictures are meant to cause panic (Sorry HCP, but I couldn't resist). Then, beneath these huge craniums is some jingoism about who they're wanting to hire. They want people who value freedom, but know there is a price. What is that price? A buck-oh-five? Then it says, "You want to put on the uniform and serve your country." THE uniform? People working at Taco Bell put on uniforms too, and they have more style than these:


I'm sure some marketing schmuck at Crayola would argue with me about this, but I'm sorry, those are BROWN. Is it Mexican camouflage? And tell me the overall design of this uniform doesn't look a little .... well, shall we say 'historic?'


Okay, maybe I'm stretching just a little. But none of this could've prepared me for what was hiding in the top right corner of the site:


Apparently, the Border Patrol is looking to hire an additional 6,000 jackbooted thugs ... ERRRR, 'Agents' by the end of 2008. And where better to look for the ideal 'Agent' than NASCAR? They even sponsored a car. I guess when you're trying to fill 6,000 extra positions, handing out flyers at Klan rallies isn't gonna cut the mustard. They're also actively encouraging women and minorities to join. Basically, they don't care what color or gender you are. If you like to beat up brown people, THIS is the job for you!

It also says that 'Agents' can make up to $70,000 annually by their third year. Well, good golly gee willikers. When I weigh the pros and cons of a new occupation, the first question I always ask myself is, 'Self, how much money will you be making in three years?' So, I have a proposal for one of our friends. The Angry Midget has a couple of years left of college before he can join the work force, so I'm suggesting that he skip those last two years and start contributing to society now. Besides, Ryan, do you really want to spend the next two years working on some boring thesis, or do you wanna start cracking some skulls today?

The U.S. Border Patrol. We Treat You Like a King!

Hispanic Causin' Panic?

Step 1: Click link.
Step 2: Put your junk in that box.
Step 3: ?????
Step 4: PROFIT!

Swimming must be REALLY easy, Michael Phelps

I don't know what you do for a living, but with all the Olympic hype about Michael Phelps lately, I've been thinking about taking up a career in swimming. If one guy can win 11 gold medals over two Olympics, the competition must not be that strong. Maybe what Michael Phelps needs, aside from cosmetic surgery on his ears, is some competition.

I like to swim, although I've never tried to do it quickly. I've done a lot of swimming in my life, though. For example, there was a summer a few years ago where all I did was sit in a swimming pool and drink beer for about 3 months. I'm basically like a fish, only I'm human. I might have to shave my chest afro to reduce drag, but how much more would it mean if I won a gold medal WITHOUT shaving my chest hair?

Watch out Michael Phelps. Next time you throw on your Speedo and head out to the pool, watch for the Angry Midget. I'll be the hairy one swimming in front of you the whole way.

Lord Bling????

1)Click title.
2)Laugh ass off.

Rain delayed...

Why the fuck do we in America continue to let the craziest among us lead the way? This guy is no Einstein, and as far as I can tell, he just gets paid to run around and be a douche bag at different events around the country. If you "You Tube" this sap, he has about 100 different PSA's that add nothing to public discourse except divisiveness and hatred. I understand our first amendment right to say whatever dangles off the end of our tongues, but sweet Christ there are people that listen to this fuck!! Anyways, here's the video. I'll let you decide who's the crazy person in this ad.
I say, "let it rain bitches because the hammer is about to fall!"

McCain is a ROBOT!!!!

Ok, maybe not really a robot, per se. But I was reading on the CNN political ticket that the AFL-CIO had to launch an informational campaign to explain to it's members that a bunch of Republican-launched anti-Obama lies are actually not true. Given that this same Republican machine nuked McCain's changes in South Carolina by launching a phone campaign insinuating that McCain had fathered a black child during the 2000 Presidential primary. Here are some of the fun rumors they had to dispel:

1) Obama was not born in the United States - This one is designed to prey on those who didn't pass civics class and are the same people who want Arnold to run for President. The Governator can never run for President for the same reason that you have to be an idiot to believe that Obama wasn't born in the US. People born outside the US can't run for President, ass clowns.

2) Obama refuses to wear a flag pin on his lapel and wasn't sworn into the Senate on a bible. First of all, neither is actually true. Second of all, who gives a crap. Bush was sworn in as President on the bible and went on to kill thousands of Iraqis and US troops during his on-going campaign against terror. I've always wondered how these types of things can matter when we have a President that does both of these things and has completely fucked up the country. Guess what? I wear a flag pin on my lapel and am holding a bible, but I'm going to shoot you. Still think it means that much?

3) Obama hates freedom, puppies and children - This is probably one of the biggest reasons I am voting for him, actually.

I'm sure things are going to get nastier before the end of it all, but it wouldn't be an election without a whole lot of lies and bullshit to reinforce our apathy, right?

Things I didn't know were illegal in Oklahoma

I think Oklahoma might be trying to improve its reputation a little bit. Especially since the number one suggested new name for the transplanted Seattle Supersonics is the Oklahoma City Bombers. What's crazy is that if this lady made that many tapes, there had to be a market for them. That's what being neighbors with Arkansas, Kansas and Texas will get you.

Who's your Daddy?

You can probably gather from some of the previous posts on this blog, that we're not going to win any awards for being "Child-friendly". No endorsement from Parent's magazine shall be forthcoming.

Regardless of our previous position, Ryan the Angry Midget is going to be a Dad. If that's not scary, I am not sure anything would be. While having a kid really only means that you had sex, telling people that you're going to be a parent changes their entire perception of you. I have compiled a list of the some of the things people say that are annoying and how you should respond if you find yourself in this position:

1) What are you having? I probably get asked this by every single annoying person that figures out that my wife's baby bump is not liver cancer. We chose not to find out the gender, mostly because neither one of us felt strongly about finding out. What we didn't realize is that there is no middle ground here. People are disappointed in you if you find out or if you don't find out. Therefore, the best answer to this question is: a baby, you fucking idiot! My wife perfected another response that I thought was particularly clever: "I hope it's a white baby, because otherwise it'll be pretty awkward.". Saying "Puppies!" also creeps people out.

2) What names do you have picked out? This question is particularly annoying when you don't know the gender. People don't ask this because they are curious. They ask this because they want to share their opinion about the names you've picked out. NEWS FLASH: I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK I SHOULD NAME MY KID! I've made a list of names, mostly awful, biblical or both, that I use to respond in this situation. Judas. Adolf. Herman. Mavis. Another option that gives the gift of annoyance right back is to just say the name of the person that asks you. People stop asking when you do this.

3) Is your wife going to quit her job to stay home with the baby? I hate this question a lot simply because the only people who ask it are those assholes that think the only way you can be a decent parent is by physically being with your kid all the time. And it's unfairly applied to women. You would never hear anyone ask this about a father. My response is typically that my wife will continue to work so that my children can grow up to appreciate the fact that women are intelligent and can contribute more than their breast milk to society.

And this, my friends, is only the tip of the most obnoxious iceberg you'll ever encounter. At times I feel as though I am wearing a t-shirt that says "I want your opinion on parenting." But I can promise you, I don't at all.

Why I am proud of San Francisco

I think San Francisco is San Frantastic. I always have. Where else on earth can you have an election for city council between a members of the Transgender Green Party and Socialist Vegan Party. Not Omaha, for one. It doesn't hurt that it's currently the pasture where CowboyLaw roams, but even before he relocated there, I would rank San Fran as one of the best cities in the US. Now, I am thinking it may very well be the best city in the US (my apologies to New York and Seattle, two other awesome cities).

San Franciscans are among the smartest groups of people living in one city in human history. Not only do they not hate gay people for no good reason like the rest of the country, but they want to name a sewage plant after George W. Bush. And we're not talking about some fringe homeless guy with a sandwich board either. 12,000 people signed a petition to get the issue on the November ballot. My hope is that San Franciscans will soon have their waste treated at a place named after a guy who is the ultimate piece of shit.

And now for something a little more serious....

That's right. It's time for ninjas on roller skates:

THE THING THAT WOULDN'T LEAVE!

So now Iraq has gone on the record as wanting the U.S. out of Iraq. Does this negate all that previous talk from President Bush, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, and Emperor Palpatine, ERRRRR, Joe Lieberman about not wanting to set timetables for our exit? Or are we going to continue to be John Belushi in that Saturday Night Live skit?


I don't know how much more direct they can be. We're not welcome there anymore, and we haven't been for years. I love how some Republicans still say we're winning over there because 'violence is on the decline.' If we just killed them all, then violence would REALLY be on the decline! Have we actually run out of brown people to kill?

Seriously though, it's been long enough. It's time to:


And no, HCP, I didn't mean your brown people.

Jesus Didn't Tap!

So I'm watching the UFC pay-per-view last night, and one of the fighters comes out wearing a shirt with this logo:


In case you don't know what it is to 'tap,' here's a definition (from Urban Dictionary):

'tapout' (verb) -- 1. To tap the floor or an opponent in an act of submission. As in Jiu Jitsu, the losing party, as opposed to being seriously injured or rendered unconscious will tap to admit defeat.

Here's what their MySpace says:

"Jesus didn't quit after going though the worse beating and pain that anyone could go through when he was crucified on the cross. His face was unrecognizable and almost every bone in his body was broken, but he still didn't tap so that we could live a joyful life. WHAT IF JESUS TAPPED? Jesus went through so much for us and didn't tap. He was beaten so bad that you could not even recognize him from head to toe, yet he still didn't tap. Not only did he not tap but he came back and defeated Satan by crushing his head to win after the beating he went through. If he would have tapped we would be in hell. We would be in pain mentally and physically 24/7, but Jesus didn't tap for us, so we don't have to live a life of hell."

Okay, so riddle me this: How could Jesus tap when his hands were nailed to a cross? Shouldn't they call it 'Jesus Couldn't Tap'? And he 'defeated Satan by crushing his head?' So, did Satan tap?

These are the kinds of things that keep me up at night.

Postpartum Depression in Liberty City

Niko, I wish I knew how to quit you.

In my previous blog post about Grand Theft Auto IV, I'd mentioned that I'd beaten the single player story mode, but wouldn't go back to get 100% completion because "I doubt I'll ever get THAT bored." Well, I did it. 50 Unique Stunt Jumps? Check. All random pedestrian missions? Check. 30 Most Wanted Missions? Check. Shot all 200 Pigeons? Check.

So why did I do it? I have other games to play. In fact, I have too many. I still plan on beating Bully, Rainbow Six Vegas 2, and The Bourne Conspiracy. I recently picked up The Incredible Hulk, Quake Wars, and Guitar Hero Aerosmith, but haven't even taken the shrink wrap off of those yet. I received CSI in the mail from GameFly that I need to at least give an hour to. And on top of all that, I'm still in the second act of Metal Gear Solid 4 on the PS3, which has been great so far, and apparently gets even better. So why did I spend countless hours last week shooting at a bunch of birds? I hadn't even beaten a GTA game since part 3 on the PS2, and I can't remember the last time I'd worked so foolishly to get 100% completion in ANYTHING. Was I really THAT bored?

I think the answer is simple: I missed Liberty City. The more I played the game, the more real the city felt. I'd gotten to the point to where I knew it like the back of my hand. I rarely used checkpoints anymore. I started listening to stations I hadn't listened to yet, and I found myself enjoying more of them than I thought I would (Classics FTW!). I'd broken into the sports car shop in Algonquin so often, they practically held the door open for me. And yet, I never felt like I was whoring for achievements. I found that I really wanted to spend more time in this town. I'd reach to put in some other game, but then the song 'Back in the New York Groove' would get in my head again. It was a fitting song to play over the credits, and it stuck with me. Next thing I know, I'm calling Brucie to set up another race, because I liked the way he says, 'Punish those bitches!' Or I'd go drinking again with Packie, just hoping he'd slur his way through 'Danny Boy' in the cab once more. You know, for old time's sake.

Right before I saved for the last time, I did something that bothers me even now, as I think about it. I called Little Jacob and loaded up on body armor and Molotovs. Why? Why would I do that? It's OVER. Nothing more to see here folks, move along. And yet, in an open world game, is it really ever over?

Rockstar, my hat's off to you. You've created the closest thing to a virtual city I've ever seen. You somehow made me feel nostalgic for it, even after spending more than 70 hours there. It's still not a perfect game. The cover system is flawed, the friendly AI is suspect at times, and the vehicle physics are too slippery. But at the end of the day, Grand Theft Auto IV will still go down as one of the best gaming experiences of this generation.


P.S. My Xbox 360 finally got the Red Ring of Death. It happened yesterday afternoon, when I had two pigeons left to find. Maybe after my jokes to all of my other X360 friends about their hardware troubles, it was karma showing up to strike mine down? Or maybe it was trying to weep over Bill Gates' retirement? In the end, it doesn't matter. The coffin is on its way. I'd thought about buying a used one at a game store, and then returning it after mine came back, but fortunately, I didn't have to. A friend of mine (who's even more impatient than I am) did the same thing when he got the RRoD last year, but never returned the used one, so he's letting me borrow that one until mine comes back from the dead. Microsoft, I wish I knew how to quit you too.

Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail 2008

As I write this, I am sitting in the vortex that is fast becoming Colorado's second most "liberal" city. This may be due to the fact that the city planners, and city council, actually use tax money for it's intended purposes:1)make the city a better place to live for all 2)use the money to fund infrastructure, among a laundry list of other reasons. However, this is all for another post.

My real intention is to ask my fellow bloggers a pressing question. Why is the debt of Hillary Clinton become a national problem for 1)Barack Obama and his supporters and 2)the rest of the democrat party, along with democrat leaning independents? I find it fascinating that the idea of party unity, come November, rests on the shoulders of Obama and his supporters. Isn't that the job of Hillary Clinton to bring party unity? Obama was gracious and magnanimous throughout her entire campaign, only to be ridiculed as condescending and sexist. It isn't the fault of Obama that she lost, this was hers to lose.

She walked into this campaign season assured a lightning quick victory to the presidential nomination only to find out that what she was really holding was a 500 pound greased pig ready for change. This is not the fault of the electorate, or Obama, it is her's and Bill's burden to bare alone. And only at a time when gas is at, or near, $4 a gallon, groceries prices are going up and a 4 year degree might qualify you to run the fucking Tilt-o-Whirl, would people worth upwards of $100 million dollars ask the people of America to bail THEM out. What the hell is happening here? Bubba have to start paying for those blow jobs? These people have been put into a position of phenomenal wealth, and earning power, by the people of America. And I'm going to say it, we owe them nothing now. She stayed in too long and over extended her budget. Not my fault, hers!

Let's look at this from a football perspective. It was relatively obvious after Texas and Ohio that she stood a snowballs chance in hell of coming away with a big enough margin of victory in the following contests to win the nomination and she stayed in anyways. Not only did she stay in, but she continued to spend money, that we now know, she didn't have to begin with. When a football team is getting it handed to them in the 3rd or 4th quarter, what does any coach worth his whistle do? He puts in his back ups and gives "lesser" players the opportunity to play ball because he knows that risking his starters only hurts him, and his team, in the long run.

So why did she not stop spending? Hubris? I refuse the notion that she didn't know, or refused to believe, what was seemingly inevitable. So, that leaves ego and I believe that the 90's gave both Bill and Hill plenty of that. Not the electorate as a whole, not her want to be a good public servant, but the chance to stay in the spotlight a little longer was her driving factor, and that I WILL NOT PAY FOR!

Thank you Hillary and Bill for your public service, but as for me, my money is staying right where it belongs...the gas station.

-Via con Dios,

HCP

McCain's energy plan seems like it would totally suck

I wasn't exactly expecting a home run on energy from a Republican, but McCain isn't exactly impressing me or anyone else here, which is why he's already lagging in the polls. I will say that we shouldn't get all get infected with micropollarrhea, where we shit our pants each time a new polls is released between now and November, but McCain's lack of imagination on his policies might mean that the shine is wearing off this particular turd.

Strategy number one: force auto companies to produce cars that run on flex fuel. Currently a number of automakers already offer flex fuel vehicles, and making it so a car can run on either ethanol or gas doesn't really lessen our dependence on oil appreciably. McCain can't even tell us how much switching would reduce our consumption, which is what really needs to happen to reduce oil prices.

Strategy number two: The Clean Car Challenge. Sounds so fucking awesome. What this really means is that he is willing to offer a $5000 tax credit for people that buy a zero emissions vehicle. Again, not lessening our oil consumption. Plus, greenhouse gases from transportation as a whole, which doesn't reflect the sole contribution of passenger cars, only accounts for 14% of greenhouse gas emissions at this point. The impact, despite the completely kick ass name, would be minimal.

Strategy three: The big prize. McCain must not have ever studied economics in his life. He is willing to offer a $300 million prize to the company that can develop a battery for an electric car. You don't get the prize until after you build the battery, but this type of thing shows what a complete idiot McCain really is. You don't need to offer a $300 million prize to support this type of innovation because the company that is able to do this would make $300 million in the first 5 seconds of announcing that they had this technology. While $300 million sounds like a lot of money to you and me, it's nothing to the folks who are working on this problem. Although it might be nice for them to have money to fight opposition from big oil on electric cars, but they can't get the prize until after they invent the battery. Too bad.

These policies are only a taste of what McCain has in store for us. What next? Foreign policy plans for domestic issues? Universal healthcare for pets? I can't wait!

Shattered concrete and live music

I need a vacation.

You may not guess it, but selling video games is a lot of hard work. Plus, the foundation repair is still going on, and it's a huge cause of stress. People are in my backyard drilling nine-foot holes into the ground, and it's hard to concentrate, let alone make sales calls. Of course, one could make a joke about how most of the music I listen to isn't all that different from jackhammers breaking up concrete, so there you go. As for my driveway, it's full of dirt and concrete, so we can't park our cars in the garage at night. Plus, they're not done in the master bedroom yet, so we're still having to sleep in the guest bedroom. When you've spent six years sharing a king-sized bed, and have to go down to a full-size, it's very disorienting. I can't even roll over in my sleep without waking one of us up. I haven't had a decent night's sleep in a week and a half, and it's gonna be almost another week before they're done. So, I'm ready to cut loose a little.

It's been a while since we last got out of town for a vacation. My girlfriend and I went to my dad's in Wyoming last Thanksgiving, but I doubt she considered that a vacation, as she hates cold weather, and it was my family and not hers. Plus, it's Wyoming. I love my dad, but I wish he'd move to Denver. :) So, we decided we were both overdue for a trip on 'neutral ground,' so to speak. So we thought, 'Why not go to Lollapalooza in Chicago in August?'


Of course, the biggest reason for this decision is that the Toadies are headlining the MySpace stage on Saturday, August 2nd. If you didn't catch my previous blog post about the Toadies, I have an old friend who is now their bass player, which kicks all sorts of ass. He used to play bass with punk bands like Hagfish and Only Crime, but had gone back to a desk job. That just wasn't his style, so I was ecstatic for him when he got this gig. We'd both been fans of the Toadies for a long time, so for him to be a member of the band now is too cool. The one regret I have about Lollapalooza is that Radiohead is playing on Friday, and I probably won't get to see them. They're on the short list of bands I want to see before I die, and I didn't get to see them when they came through in May. The good news though, is right after the Toadies play their set, we're all gonna run over to see Rage Against the Machine, so that'll be fun. But the trip won't be all about live music. I'm also planning on seeing a Cubs game that Sunday. I grew up a Cubs fan, and have been to Wrigley once, but swore I'd make it back again. If you're ever in Chicago and want to have some fun, take the train to Wrigleyville on a day when there's a Cub home game. You don't have to be a baseball fan to have a blast. My girlfriend can't stand baseball, but she had just as much fun afterwards in their bars as I did.

Anyone else gonna be at Lollapalooza on August 2nd? If so, post a comment and we can plan on getting together to have some $14 beers...

Grand Theft Auto IV -- Game Stat Update

I beat the story mode in Grand Theft Auto IV last week, and have since gone back and finished the Assassin and Courier missions. I still plan on finishing all of the Stunt Jumps and Brucie races, but I doubt I'll try to find all 200 of the 'Flying Rats'. That's gonna take a lot of exploration, and I doubt I'll ever get THAT bored in the game. But in the meantime, I thought I'd post some of my current game stats, for the two of you who care...

GENERAL
Game Progress -- 78.00%
Missions Passed -- 94
Missions Failed -- 34
Current Money -- $535,325
Times Busted -- 0
Times Died -- 20
People Killed -- 920
Playing Time -- 49:29:14
Longest Non-stop Game -- 04:09:34
Days Passed -- 103
Favorite Radio Station -- Liberty City Hardcore

CRIMES
Cars Stolen -- 284
Longest Cop Chase Time -- 10:01
People Run Down -- 500
Fires Started -- 93
Criminals Killed -- 86

VEHICLES
Miles on Foot -- 56.85
Miles by Car -- 606.47
Longest Bike Wheelie -- 1,668.62 ft
Farthest Jump Distance -- 397.23 ft
Air Launches -- 1,606

MONEY
Spent Buying Clothes -- $1,830
Spent on Prostitutes -- $520
Spent on Health Care -- $117,071
Spent in Gun Shop -- $317,535
Spent on Dates -- $700

PLAYER
Times Got Drunk -- 11
Longest Free Fall -- 147.26 ft

COMBAT
Bullets Fired -- 13,571
Killed by Headshots -- 459
Vehicles Blown Up -- 96
Kills with Carbine Rifle -- 239
Kills with Combat Sniper -- 130
Kills with RPG -- 61

SCORE
Pool Played Time -- 01:01:55
Bowling High Score -- 254
Favorite Activity -- Drinking
Pigeons Exterminated -- 18
Random Characters Met -- 9

MISC
Time Spent on Internet -- 01:23:08
Emails received -- 62
Time Spent Calling -- 01:27:39
Total Dates -- 20
Scored with Girl -- 10
Girls Dumped -- 4
Prostitute Visits -- 7
Tramps Given Money To -- 2

ACHIEVEMENTS (XBOX 360)
33 out of 50
585 Gamerscore

If you've been playing, I'd love to see some of your stats. Everyone plays the game differently. Maybe you've made it your goal to only drive on sidewalks, so perhaps you've run down twice as many people as me? Or maybe you've spent more money on prostitutes (but got it all back)?

White trash strikes it rich(er) through procreation

Who knew jizz could be worth so much?


This inbred one-hit wonder throws his baby batter around, and 15 years later, he's worth more money than he ever made on his own. But OH NOES! Here comes the scandal!

This morning, CNN thinks 'Billy Ray Cyrus reacts to Miley's Vanity Fair photos' is front-page news. He 'reacts.' To semi-clothed pictures. That were taken a month ago.

And what a dad he is! How did the pictures get taken? Let's let Achy-Breaky explain it:

"I wasn't there at the time. (Miley's) publicist was there, and everyone seemed in control," he said. "I didn't know they (were) gonna strip her down and wrap her with a blanket."

Someone get this guy one of THESE!


Is that what it's like in Hollywood? Publicists are surrogate parents? Plus, it was Annie FUCKING Leibovitz. If Mullet Man would've done a quick Google Image Search of her name, he would've seen a LOT of celebrity skin. John Lennon. Demi Moore. Scarlett Johansson and Keira Knightley. Seriously. Where the fuck has this guy been in the last 30 years? I know they have wi-fi in California. Hell, even his nephew has wi-fi on his porch:


That is to say, he would've found the images on Google if he could've spelled 'Liebovitz.' How in the world is this guy supposed to comment on fashion?

Foundation repair SUCKS

As I type this, people are drilling through the concrete slab in my master bedroom. My girlfriend and I had to move into the guest bedroom for the next 10 days or so, while they install three piers in the bedroom (and about 19 around the outside of the house, including six on our back patio). The cats are freaking the fuck out because they've been displaced, and now they hear a constant jackhammer coming from their safe haven.

The soil in Dallas SUCKS.

John McCain has beer on the brain

Either he wants to veto beer, or he likes beer so much that it worked its way into a Freudian slip during a speech. Will he be drunk when he vetos bills? I can already see the campaign slogans this summer: THE GOP -- FOUR MORE BEERS!

Oh well. It's not like we haven't spent the last seven-plus years with an alcoholic cokehead...

Flawed Logic

I woke up today to the news that Barak Obama is the presumptive Democratic nominee, which resulted in tons of speculation that Hillary Clinton may go from being Obama's punching bag to his right-hand bag, as his VP. At this point, insiders are trying to work deals behind the scenes, but who knows who will eventually be Obama's running mate. Hopefully, Obama will take his time and pick the right person. I haven't decided yet whether I think Hillary would be a good VP or not.

The media seems to be suggesting that picking Clinton is a win-win situation for Democrats, but I'm not sure that all Clinton supporters will trade in their "Bill Clinton for First Lady" t-shirts for "One you vote Barak, you'll never go back". Personally, I've been sporting my two favorite Dick Cheney shirts.


My point is that it's easy to fall into the logical trap that every other voter out there approaches this situation the same way we would. I would vote for a steaming pile of dog shit before I would vote for John McCain. For me, the decision has been made. Another group of Dems that were supporting Clinton will probably support Obama. Although the polls that will really tell us something are only being conducted as I type this, we know from our friends at Polling Report that the data suggest that before Clinton conceded, about 60% of Clinton supporters would switch to Obama without her being the running mate. In the coming days, we'll see if Obama's poll numbers increase. You know Obama's people are watching those polls like hawks.

My prediction is that if Obama opens up a huge lead without naming Clinton as his VP, he'll take his time. If Obama's numbers don't change a lot, I think he'll scoop Clinton up and be off to the races. Right now, McCain and Obama are polling within the margin of error of each other, so the poll numbers are going to tell us a lot over the next few days. I think 5% is the magic number: Obama leads McCain by more than that, Clinton is out. Obama stays in a virtual tie, say hello to VP Clinton.

Obama the Clincher

I don't have much to add to the whole Obama conversation right now, and this picture says it better than I ever could:


I do have to say though, I'm really glad this primary season is FINALLY over. So, should Hillary be his running mate? A friend of mine who's currently working in Sweden posted on his blog that Al Gore should be his running mate. I think both bring a lot to the table. Your thoughts?

Dolemite is BACK

Guess what, crackas? Dolemite is back!


In case you weren't with us in late 2005, here's a recap: I love Dolemite movies. I owe it to The Angry Midget. He opened my eyes to the genius of Rudy Ray Moore. The man was ahead of his time. And now, he's back, proving to the man that you can't keep a good muthafucka down. And, punk crackas can't keep his Hush Puppys out their muthafuckin' asses.

Marinate on this trailer, fools:



I have no idea when it releases, but as soon as I do, it's on. Midge, I don't care how many pages you have left in your doctoral thesis. We're meeting half-way between Omaha and Dallas to watch this thing.