Bill O'Reilly Update

An update on the situation with O'Reilly. Apparently, because of the substantial negative response to his comments regarding his indifference towards Al Qaeda attacks on San Francisco that we discussed in the last post, O'Reilly has been getting a lot of heat. His newest strategy to deflect blame for his comments is to post an enemies list on his website that lists websites or individuals that have criticized his stance on the issue. As of this minute, no such list exists on his website, but when I does, I will update this post.

Bill O'Reilly

Giant Douche

Punditry is inherently annoying and shallow. Regardless of the political tilt, punditry reduces even the most complex and challenging political issues to the level of See Dick Run. In the struggle to create polarization, television talkshow hosts, radio personalities and internet amatuer political analysts create the information equivalent of recycled dog shit at the expense of political dialogue.

Last Tuesday, Bill O'Reilly demonstrated on his penchant for insensitivity and oversimplification of complex issues by stating that because San Francisco recently passed a law prohibiting military recruiting in local schools, that San Francisco should cease to receive the support of the military and should also be the target of terrorist attacks. If you want to draw your own conclusions about his comments, the transcripts and audio are available here.

O'Reilly's remarks were controversial and he has the right to say anything he would like. However, the reality about Bill O'Reilly is that his remarks have temporarily brought him back to the forefront, but due to a focus on shock and awe instead of quality and content, O'Reilly's popularity has been waning significantly. In a recent poll, The O'Reilly Factor on Fox was not included in a list of the Top 100 Talk Shows on TV based on ratings (some examples of shows that were included: Arsenio, Ricki Lake, ALF's Hit Talk Show).

The fact is that O'Reilly's popularity is decreasing among the general public because it's no longer edgy and shocking, but the same cranky bastard recycling the same antithetic viewpoints every night. O'Reilly's remarks about San Francisco were a little boy's cry for attention, and the media and even this website have obliged him. The O'Reilly Factor may hang around and O'Reilly may keep writing books, but that fact alone does not make him correct or worthy of our consideration.

France France Revolution

Sales of the Pontiac Firebird have been hot in France

As the flames turn to embers in the outskirts of Paris, the overanalysis is already beginning as to how such civil unrest can occur in an otherwise civilized country. Conservatives, wanting to avoid discussions about ethics and CIA leaks and torture, have turned to blaming "liberal French politics" for the riots. Mona Charen tries to make the case that: "American liberals are equivalent to European socialists. And French socialists have set the table for the current crisis."

A pretty huge conceptual jump, in my opinion, but I'll bite. The assertion that liberal philsophies and policies are to blame for France's economic situation is a highly simplistic viewpoint of the situation. It's akin to blaming United Airlines for one of their planes flying into the World Trade Center on 9/11, which is similarly asinine. The economic situation in France has no doubt been affected by some ridiculous government policies, including one which is designed to protect employment by making it incredibly difficult to fire people, but has only decreased utilization of temporary labor.

To say that such policies are the only factor at work in the situation ignores France's long-term issues with their economy, which stretch from long before the age of Jacques Chirac. Unemployment in France has ranged between 15 - 25% over the past 10 years. Anyone trying to link such trends to liberal philsophies should only look as far as our own recent recession during the Bush Presidency and with Republicans at the helm in Congress. Obviously conservative philosophies aren't exactly a solution for unemployment as emperically proven here in the US since 2000.

Sadly, instead of making an effort to understand what happened in France so that perhaps we can help to prevent future rioting, pundits want to place blame across political lines as if their gross oversimplification somehow justifies their viewpoint. And we wonder why there isn't a contstructive political dialogue in this country...

Veterans' Day Tribute

Where's President Bush?

First, thanks to everyone for visiting the site. Feel free to post comments until your fingers fall off. I am compiling some classic hate mail to share with you sometime at the end of this week or weekend. It shows how people who voted for Bush should surrender their right to bear children.

Tomorrow is Veterans' Day here in the states. Listed below are some of our political leaders and their military service. Thanks to ER for sending this to me.

Democrats:
* Richard Gephardt: Air National Guard, 1965-71.
* David Bonior: Staff Sgt., Air Force 1968-72.
* Tom Daschle: 1st Lt., Air Force SAC 1969-72.
* Don L "Sky Cop" Overstreet 1st Lt Servced in the Air Force 1954 -58
* Al Gore: enlisted Aug. 1969; sent to Vietnam Jan. 1971 as an army journalist in 20th Engineer Brigade.
* Bob Kerrey: Lt. j.g. Navy 1966-69; Medal of Honor, Vietnam.
* Daniel Inouye: Army 1943-47; Medal of Honor, WWII.
* John Kerry: Lt., Navy 1966-70; Silver Star, Bronze Star with Combat V, Purple Hearts.
* Charles Rangel: Staff Sgt., Army 1948-52; Bronze Star, Korea.
* Max Cleland: Captain, Army 1965-68; Silver Star & Bronze Star, Vietnam.
* Ted Kennedy: Army, 1951-53.
* Tom Harkin: Lt., Navy, 1962-67; Naval Reserve, 1968-74.
* Jack Reed: Army Ranger, 1971-1979; Captain, Army Reserve 1979-91.
* Fritz Hollings: Army officer in WWII; Bronze Star and seven campaign ribbons.
* Leonard Boswell: Lt. Col., Army 1956-76; Vietnam, DFCs, Bronze Stars, and Soldier's Medal.
* Pete Peterson: Air Force Captain, POW. Purple Heart, Silver Star and Legion of Merit.
* Mike Thompson: Staff sergeant, 173rd Airborne, Purple Heart.
* Bill McBride: Candidate for Fla. Governor. Marine in Vietnam; Bronze Star with Combat V.
* Gray Davis: Army Captain in Vietnam, Bronze Star.
* Pete Stark: Air Force 1955-57
* Chuck Robb: Vietnam
* Howell Heflin: Silver Star
* George McGovern: Silver Star & DFC during WWII.
* Bill Clinton: Did not serve. Student deferments. Entered draft but received #311.
* Jimmy Carter: Seven years in the Navy.
* Walter Mondale: Army 1951-1953
* John Glenn: WWII and Korea; six DFCs and Air Medal with 18 Clusters.
* Tom Lantos: Served in Hungarian underground in WWII. Saved by Raoul Wallenberg.

Republicans -- and these are the guys sending people to war:
* Dick Cheney: did not serve. Several deferments, the last by marriage.
* Dennis Hastert: did not serve.
* Tom Delay: did not serve.
* Roy Blunt: did not serve.
* Bill Frist: did not serve.
* Mitch McConnell: did not serve.
* Rick Santorum: did not serve.
* Trent Lott: did not serve.
* John Ashcroft: did not serve. Seven deferments to teach business.
* Jeb Bush: did not serve.
* Karl Rove: did not serve.
* Saxby Chambliss: did not serve. "Bad knee." The man who attacked Max Cleland's patriotism.
* Paul Wolfowitz: did not serve.
* Vin Weber: did not serve.
* Richard Perle: did not serve.
* Douglas Feith: did not serve.
* Eliot Abrams: did not serve.
* Richard Shelby: did not serve.
* Tim Hutchison: did not serve.
* Christopher Cox: did not serve.
* Newt Gingrich: did not serve.
* Don Rumsfeld: served in Navy (1954-57) as flight instructor.
* George W. Bush: failed to complete his six-year National Guard; got assigned to Alabama so he could campaign for family friend running for U.S. Senate; failed to show up for required medical exam, disappeared from duty.
* Ronald Reagan: due to poor eyesight, served in a non-combat role making movies.
* B-1 Bob Dornan: Consciously enlisted after fighting was over in Korea.
* Phil Gramm: did not serve.
* John McCain: Silver Star, Bronze Star, Legion of Merit, Purple Heart and Distinguished Flying Cross.
* Dana Rohrabacher: did not serve.
* John M. McHugh: did not serve.
* JC Watts: did not serve.
* Jack Kemp: did not serve. "Knee problem," although continued in NFL for 8 yrs.
* Dan Quayle: Journalism unit of the Indiana National Guard.
* Rudy Giuliani: did not serve.
* George Pataki: did not serve.
* Spencer Abraham: did not serve.
* John Engler: did not serve.
* Lindsey Graham: National Guard lawyer.
* Arnold Schwarzenegger: AWOL from Austrian army base.

Pundits & Preachers
* Sean Hannity: did not serve.
* Rush Limbaugh: did not serve (4-F with a 'pilonidal cyst.')
* Bill O'Reilly: did not serve.
* Michael Savage: did not serve.
* George Will: did not serve.
* Chris Matthews: did not serve.
* Paul Gigot: did not serve.
* Bill Bennett: did not serve.
* Pat Buchanan: did not serve.
* John Wayne: did not serve.
* Bill Kristol: did not serve
* Kenneth Starr: did not serve.
* Antonin Scalia: did not serve.
* Clarence Thomas: did not serve.
* Ralph Reed: did not serve.
* Michael Medved: did not serve.
* Charlie Daniels: did not serve.
* Ted Nugent: did not serve. (He only shoots at things that don't shoot back.)

Let the Fight Begin!

A recent study found that some of our nation's most savvy investors are United States Senators. Now, I've always been of the opinion that United States Senators are some of the more intelligent citizens of this here nation, but I've never considered them to be particulars astute investors. So, needless to say, I was more than a bit surprised by the results of the study.

Now, there are two ways one can interpret the results of this study. First (and more patriotic), one could surmise that Senators, who are usually briefed daily on the current status of this nation and the world in general, simply know more about the current events that influence stock prices, and therefore gain their performance advantage fairly. Bush administration officials, please note: I have advanced an innocent explanation for this. Please don't put me on your enemies list. Second (and lest patriotic), one could surmise that Senators, who are in daily contact with the members of the capitalist uber-class, including CEOs and directors who are (1) in possession of insider information and (2) interested in gaining favor with people like United States Senators, are privy to information that the rest of us don't have, and are leveraging this information to make themselves a boatload of cash.

I'm interested in hearing your reactions, which will either prove that (1) I'm a cynical SOB who believes the worst about people, or (2) that I'm a realist in a world that makes cynics of us all through bitter experience.

Kansas Gives Evolution Thumbs Down (without questioning how they got thumbs in the first place)

Charles Darwin is totally pissed off at Kansas.

I have plenty of good friends who are religious, despite the fact that I tend not to be. Most of them are incredibly intelligent and reasonable individuals. Most of them, believe me I've asked, don't feel that their particular religion should be taught in public schools. If only they were members of the Kansas State Board of Education, who voted today to change science curriculum to shed doubt on Darwin's Theory of Evolution. As you can see from the picture above, Charles Darwin is very unhappy about this development, or would be, I suppose if he weren't buried in a church in England. Yes, Charles Darwin is buried in a church. Not all religious folks feel that science is a threat to their religious beliefs, only those who weren't properly educated in science.

Kansas has taken a step today to ensure that it's students will be shortchanged during their science education. Call it whatever you want, but Intelligent Design is just a fancy name for Creationism, and there is no science to back up it's claims. If you think differently, I would LOVE to post that research on this site.

If you believe in God, Intelligent Design is actually kind of an ironic insult. If scientific evolution is actually God's complex method of creating the planet and all the things that live on it, how pissed off do you think he is that his followers are trying to keep people from learning about it. Despite what you may have heard, there is not a single facet of Darwinian Evolution that contradicts what is written in the Bible. But, don't tell that to people in Kansas.

How to Win the Supreme Court Debate

Okay, the Midget has invited me to contribute to his Blog, and I feel obligated to do so. I suspect that many of you are, like me, compelled to interact on a daily basis with people whose sole source of news is Rush Limbaugh and/or Fox News. As someone whose sole source of news is The Daily Show and this Blog, I find myself rendered speechless by the things people seem to believe. The problem with being a liberal is that, often, our views are hard to express in a single, 15-second soundbite. This is seldom a problem for Republicans. Thus, in order for us to survive the breathtaking simplicity of their arguments (a simplicity that is only enhanced by the inaccuracies contained therein), we sometimes need simple talking points to extricate ourselves. A trump card, if you will, that allows us to silence the Dittoheads whose yammering is the cause of so many liberal Execedrin(tm) headaches. And so, herewith, your talking points for winning the Supreme Court Debate.

In order to win the Supreme Court debate with any Republican, you need only remember two words: Richard Posner. Posner is a judge in the 7th Circuit Court of Appeals, and was the chief judge of that circuit for 7 years. Widely regarded as a brilliant jurist, Posner has been called one of the most influential judges in the last 20 years. No one has ever accused Posner of being an "activist" judge. And Posner's writings on the relationship between economics and law would comfort most big businesses. And yet, 2 generations of Bushes have passed over Posner in favor of, in order, the brilliant Clarence Thomas; John Roberts; Harriet Miers; and now Sam Alito.

Any rational person would ask "Why, in the name of your Protestant Born-Again God, have you not given this man a chance?" And the answer is both simple and telling. Posner is Pro-Choice, and he's an atheist. Now, Bush II said he wouldn't use abortion as a "litmus test" for judicial, nominees, and Bush II never lies, so we must assume that had nothing to do with Posner not being nominated. And the Constitution, which both Bushes are such fans of, mandates a separation of church and state, so Posner's atheism can't have anything to do with it. So, if what we really want here is the best qualified person for the job, why has Bush II not nominated Posner?

If you can find a Republican who can answer that question, let me know. I'd like to meet them.

Let me entertain you?

Because he said he wanted to change up his blog with some new blood, and because he knew I'd probably never follow through on my continual musings about starting a blog of my own, Ryan graciously extended me an invitation to have access to his site, so I can add my humble thoughts to the crazed meanderings of The Angry Midget and the sharp, witty repartee of Mister Bling. I'm deeply honored to be allowed into their hallowed prosaic domain. Perhaps sometimes I can provide a different perspective. Perhaps sometimes I can even come up with some original and interesting things myself. Mostly, I just hope that I can occasionally make the regular of the site think a little or smile a little. I look forward to sharing, and I promise that my future postings will be less mundane than this one...Leptodactylous (and as you can see from the photo, I really am...)

I wish I saw more of these on the road...

I'm getting tired of all the yellow ribbon magnets on cars, that weren't even made here in this country. Empty gestures do not support our troops. Don't just buy a magnet (in some weak attempt to 'belong' to a group). Try actually doing something that supports our troops. Does your neighbor (or coworker) have a son or daughter serving? Send them a care package. Make a donation to the USO. And for God's sake, take that magnet off of your vehicle. Yeah, I know. You support our troops. So does 99.99 percent of this nation. You're not special, and you don't belong to some group.




That's right, it isn't free. It costs $1.05 And that magnet was $4.99. Do the math.

Blogs that make me fall asleep

For those of you who haven't tried it, clicking on the icon on the banner at the top of the website that says "Next Blog" will randomly link you to another blog that has recently been updated. The consequences of doing so range from interesting to downright masochistic. Out of curiousity every now and again, I will click on the "Next Blog" link to see what sorts of things other people are writing (bitching) about.

As some of you may know and other may find it hard to believe, I enjoy reading other sites, particularly if the writer(s) of those sites have opinions that may differ significantly from mine. That's how that whole World Debate fiasco got started in the first place. In my search to understand the other side, today was not unlike any other day, until I came across this blog.

The basic premise is that the site is incredibly boring, even predictable. As I read through the site, I was overwhelmed by cliche after cliche. I couldn't have made some of this shit up if I were John-fucking-Mayer. He's a self-proclaimed neo-conservative. His hobbies include poker (which last time I checked was EVERYONE'S hobby that didn't have a real hobby before ESPN started broadcasting Texas Hold'em every God damned night) and listening to the band Phish.

I'll be honest that this intrigued me a little bit. A Republican who likes Phish. It's almost good enough that Fox would build an animated Sit-com around the idea. Don't worry, that is absolutely the only interesting thing about this guy. If you continue down through his profile, you'll get the idea.

As an aside, listing Catcher in the Rye or something by Ayn Rand (Fountainhead, in this case) as some of your favorite books does not make you an intellectual. Everyone loves Catcher in the Rye just as much as everyone who listens to shitty music likes to listen to Phish, and how every Tom, Dick and Gary likes to play Texas Hold'em all of the sudden in the last 6 months. Catcher in the Rye is a good book, but also probably the number one sign of a person who hasn't read a book since high school English, when we ALL had to read Catcher in the Rye. The only thing missing here is that his favorite movie wasn't Good Will Hunting (although one them was Pulp Fiction, which is also EVERYONE's favorite movie of all time, except me, I like The Grudge with Sarah Michelle Gellar).

As you can tell, I was getting a little fired up after reading this, so I went to this post on his website and posted the following comment: (Check back to his site to see if he responds)

Wow. Such an original concept. A blog supporting President Bush. I've never seen anything like it.

Do you see the irony in claiming that you will write what you want to write, and then telling Aaron not to excercise his freedom of speech?
Then again, if you admire the President, you're probably one of those people who agrees with the 1st Amendment only for white, Christian, conservatives who won't say things that you find offensive.

The sad thing is that you're probably a really intelligent and interesting guy who has a lot to say, but instead you're going to spend all your time and creative energy writing a blog about how much you'd like to make out with President Bush.

Ryan the Angry Midget is 1 Year Old

The barnyard animals were invited so that Ryan could eat them.

Before you send me ten emails about how a 12 month old has such and extensive vocabulary of profanity, I'm not really just a year old no matter how my picture looks under my profile. The website, on the other hand is one year old. It's hard to believe that we've been at this an entire year. For some of you, it probably seems like longer than that. The inaugural post at 1:51 pm on Monday November 1st 2004 was written the day before the 2004 Presidential Elections, in which President Bush would defeat John Kerry. The rest is history.

In a recent post I asked you to vote for your favorite post of the past year. Two posts, in particular received the most votes by a long shot. Adventures in Babysitting received the most votes (75) of any single post. How people get to this website was a close 2nd (62). The rest of what I wrote in the past year must have been complete crap, since there were less than 150 votes overall, and Mister Bling voted for his three most recent posts one time each.

Thanks for reading what I have had to say in the past year. Look for bigger (larger people writing their opinions) and better (more intelligent people writing their opinions) in the months to come.

The Fashion of the Christ?

Earlier, Mel Gibson had a Christ complex. First, he gave us Braveheart, and then it was The Jerusalem Chainsaw Massacre. But it looks like he's over that now. Behold, the George Lucas complex!

Hey Mel: George Lucas and Peter Jackson can pull that frumpy look off because they really ARE frumpy. It also endears them to the nerdy fan base. You, however, used to be a sex symbol, even with a hairstyle that made Michael Bolton jealous. So, what do they call it when Mel Gibson has that hairstyle? A 'Mellet?' But that's another blog topic altogether.

But seriously, Mel. Dress the part. Sean Connery may be pushing 90 years old, but you still don't see him shopping at the thrift store. That's because he's the man.

On another note, why would Mellet hold a press conference just to announce that he's going to start production on a movie? And why does CNN think this is front-page news?

Harriet Meiers Responds

Mullet or Pre-Mullet?

As Mister Bling reported and everyone has heard already on the news, Harriet Miers withdrew from consideration for the Supreme Court, leaving many to wonder why. I think the best policy in situations like this is to consult Miers' own personal website to learn more. She may not know constitutional law any better than I do, but her blog is completely enthralling.

I also added a link to Americablog to the sidebar, which is quite excellent. It's not quite as edgy as the Harriet Miers Blog or Pat Sajak's website.

Speaking of which, you'll recall my previous rant about the host of Wheel of Fortune throwing his political opinions around as if anyone cared that he was a complete facist. If you go to Pat's website, you'll notice that his political opinions have been removed so that they can no longer be accessed from the main page. Pat's explanation is that he didn't have time in his busy schedule of telling Vanna White to turn letters over to write down his simple-minded opinions. But as per usual, I'm calling shenanigans on that bullshit.

If Pat didn't have time to add to it, why not leave up the existing posts and add to it in the future? Not having time now doesn't mean he had to take all the posts completely off the website. My theory is that Pat's publicist is smarter than Pat is, and realized that having Pat's right wing agenda posted on the internet for the world to see wasn't doing Pat or the Wheel of Fortune too many favors in terms of popularity. If you want to see what a crazy right wing moron the host of Wheel of Fortune is, they're still available at the original link, even if said link has been taken off his main page.

In your dreams, George. In your dreams.

So how relieved is the right this morning? Those on the left were waiting with baited breath for the Senate confirmation hearings. It would've been a bloodbath unlike any the Senate had seen! But alas, it was not to be. Now we just have to wonder what could've been.

You have to wonder who asked Miers to withdraw her nomination. You KNOW it wasn't Dubya, because he doesn't care if he's wrong, as long as he 'stays the course.' Was it Karl Rove? Is anyone even listening to his 'advice' right now? Was it Darth Cheney? If I were him, I'd be paying more attention to my cardiologist than Scooter Libby.

That is to say, IF the aides were the only ones involved in the Plame leak. Maybe Jared Fogel's aides are involved too? I'm not ready to put my tin-foil hat on just yet, but until Patrick Fitzgerald comes out of the darkness with some indictments, stay tuned.

Evaluating the Bush Presidency

I received an interesting email this morning from a concerned reader:
"Midget:
The Bush Administration is likely at its darkest hour. You've spent countless hours making a case against them. And you spent all week writing about sports? WHAT THE FUCK??????"

I appreciate your concern. However, there have been times here when I felt like I've been beating a very dead and very partisan horse. It's encouraging that the general public is finally getting a clue about the job he's doing as President. If you click on that link, you can see the trends in the data are not favorable. But that hasn't kept some Republican loyalists from sending me email:

"Ryan, your website is boring because it's so one sided that there's never any real discussion going on here. Can't you admit all the good things that President Bush has done for democracy in the middle east? You're going to delete this message, but I wanted to let you know that I think your site is crap and that you're clueless."

Ouch! I won't even address the fact that this guy capitalized President Bush, but failed to capitalize a region of the world in the same sentence, but I will address the comments about what the President has done in Iraq.

One thing that I will absolutely give President Bush credit for is deposing Saddam Hussein. It should have been done by his father or Clinton, but there is no doubt that it absolutely needed to be done. People who argue this point are no better than our friend with the capitalization problems above.

The problem is that deposing Saddam Hussein wasn't the reason that we invaded Iraq when we did. Remember? We invaded Iraq because Saddam was going to use nuclear, chemical and biological weapons against us and because he was connected with Al Qaeda. Subsequent investigations have revealed that he didn't have those weapons to use and that we jumped the gun. We just hit 2,000 US Soldiers killed yesterday. Not to mention the thousands of innocent Iraqis that have died since our invasion.

The looming investigation of perjury among top Bush Administration officials, including Bush right-hand-man Karl Rove, is related to the Administration's mission to destroy or discredit those who would have evidence indicating that Iraq didn't have intent to develop a weapons program, as the Bush Administration stated thousands of times. Rove revealed to a news reporter that Valerie Plame was a CIA agent, after her husband came out publicly against Bush's statement that Saddam had attempted to purchase weapon's grade uranium. Why is revealing the identity of a CIA agent a crime: click here to find out.

Not to mention, we didn't elect him to be our democracy builder, we elected him to be our President of our country. He's been meeting with Bono and world leaders about world poverty, which is undoubtedly a huge problem, but also a growing one here in America. Bush appropriated billions of dollars for homeland security, but we're still not paying our police and firefighters adequately. 10 million AMERICAN children do not have access to health care.

And then there's nepotism. If you want evidence of what a bad thing nepotism can be, look no further than former FEMA Director Michael Brown and the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. I'm not one of those idiots who blames FEMA for EVERYTHING bad that happened after Hurricane Katrina, but reasonable people can agree that FEMA was highly ineffective, and having the Director of FEMA on CNN after a hurricane blaming the poor because they stuck around for a hurricane sums up Brown's effectiveness in that post. Bush has a long history of such nominations. He didn't help his cause when he nominated his personal lawyer and friend to the Supreme Court, despite the fact that she failed a part of a questionaire on constitutional law.

I am sorry if I disagree that Bush has done a good job as President. If you make a list of good things he has done (deposing Saddam), you can list 30 other instances of complete incompetance. If Bush's only charge as President was to dipose Saddam, you could still make the argument that it was handled poorly and that we invaded under a complete lie. The intelligence showing Iraq had weapons of mass destruction was not misconstrued, it was absent so that it could have never been construed, correctly or not, in the first place. Stand by your man, Republicans. I need a beer.

If only Mike Martz knew Charlie Weis

Perhaps former St. Louis Rams Head Coach Mike Martz should have called the Make A Wish Foundation, instead of calling his former team from home on Sunday. In his latest and most pathetic act, Martz called a team official during the Rams game on Sunday against the homeless New Orleans Saints and tried to suggest a play for the team to run. That team official was denied access to the Offensive Coordinator, so Martz never got the opportunity to have his play used in the game. The Rams won the game anyway.

I bet Martz wishes that Charlie Weis, head coach of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, would have been in charge of the decision. We're all still trying to recover from the heart-wrenching story that Weis allowed a 10 year-old boy with terminal brain cancer to call the team's first play in their game against Washington. And the kid died the day before the game. All of that, despite the fact that the kid called pass right and that Notre Dame's first play from scrimmage was from their own 1 yard-line. I get all misty just writing about it.

Martz, on the other hand, is not dyeing, at least not anymore than the rest of us die a little each time we hear Kelly Clarkson on the radio. Martz did step down as Rams head coach after he was diagnosed with a heart infection, but he's obviously having a hard time letting go. If you were the management of the Rams, I can see why you might not want Martz calling the plays.

Some have dubbed Martz and Offensive Genius, when it comes to play calling. While I would agree that Martz is offensive, his genius is highly questionable. Before he left the team this year, they were 2-3 and lost a big home game to division rival, Seattle. Martz has one of the best young running backs in the NFL, Steven Jackson, and all he did the first 5 games of the season is throw the ball around like he was playing my sister on Madden '06 for Xbox.

Since Martz left, the team is 1-1, and the loss was to the undefeated Indianapolis Colts. The offense has become much more balanced, and I predict that the Rams will improve as the season wears on. Lucky for them they are in the NFC West, which is only marginally better than the NFC North division, so the Rams are hardly out of the race. They're also lucky that Martz won't be allowed by team ownership to call the game from his recliner at home. If the last few weeks have shown anything for the Rams, it's that they don't need Mike Martz.

Also, Brad Lidge sucks.

Deja Vu All Over Again

Oh noes! It's teh meatball!!1!

I almost feel sorry for Brad Lidge. It's been a long season, and his arm obviously doesn't have anything left in it. He brought a 95 mph fastball to the plate last night, but it had absolutely no movement on it whatsoever. Just a couple of months ago, his fastball was dancing all over the place. But SCOTT PODSEDNIK? I guess my earlier comment about David Eckstein hitting one off of him could've been true after all.

Either Lidge's arm is a rubber band right now, or he doesn't have the heart of a champion. Either way, the 'Stros are in big, big trouble.

Ode to the Minnesota Vikings (and their obnoxious fans)

The Love Boat Starring Onterrio Smith's Naked Ass

Maybe it's because I live in the Midwest and because I happen to live close to Minneapolis. Maybe it's because Minnesota Vikings fans are among the most obnoxious people I have ever encountered. Either way, I can't say I'm too disappointed with how the season has gone for those purple-clad morons from the north. This season for the Vikings, or Viqueens as I often refer to them, has provided more drama than anything the Real World Austin could have ever dreamed of.

The season started the same way as most good Greek tragedies: great expectations and high hopes. Pre-season rankings from both ESPN.com and FoxSports.com, among other sports authorities, put the Vikings near the top of the entire league and certainly atop the weakest division in the NFL, the NFC North. Despite the loss of their top wide receiver, Randy Moss, the consensus was that the Vikings were headed for the Playoffs, at least.

Speaking of Randy Moss, the next time I hear a Vikings fan say that the team is better without Randy Moss or use the Raiders as an example of how crappy Randy Moss is, they're going to get a Size 5 shoe up their asses.

The Viking's problems run so much deeper than not having Randy Moss. First and foremost, they suck at playing football. The defense gave up 28 points to a Kyle Orton-led Chicago Bears offense last week. That's the same Bears offense that had a previous high score of 21, against Detroit, in a game where the other QB threw 5 interceptions.

People can talk all they want about Mike Tice's Super Bowl ticket scandle, the Sex Party Boat Ride, or the original whizzinator. While all of those things are embarrassing, they don't change the fact that your team sucks. Controversial things like that happen all the time in sports, and it doesn't stop teams from winning, unless, like the Vikings, they suck at their respective sport. Ray Lewis was charged with murder during some very successful runs for the Baltimore Ravens, something tells me a good team can make it through a sex party and apparent drug use by a fourth-string running back.

Despite all of this, Vikings fans remain faithful to their team, which would be honorable, if they weren't so stupid about it. Example: I was discussing the terrible season that the Vikings were having with one of their diehard fans, and he still holds out hope that the Vikings can win their division. This is the equivalent of hoping Santa Claus will come to visit you after you move out of your parents' house.

I'll admit that the NFC North is the worst division in the NFL, hands down. It will be a fight to the finish to see who sucks the least and gets an obligatory spot in the Playoffs. When it comes down to which team will win the division, it's like comparing turds and how they taste: it's all shit. Despite that, I will pick the Chicago Bears to win the division, since they actually have a decent defense. Detroit has a headcase at QB and are the only team the Vikings have beaten this year. Green Bay lost half of its offensive line, its star receiver, and has an old headcase at QB. Chicago is not a great team, but they will suck the least in the long run, and will be a nice first round bye for whatever lucky NFC team draws them in the playoffs.

To all you Viking fans out there, I would say that there's always next year's draft, but there are so many problems with your team, that it's going to take a lot of years of drafts to fix those problems. There's always hope in free agency as well, if your brand new owner weren't so cheap and terribly bad at it. I know, I know, Yuri Valishnikov or whatever former European Hockey star is the new owner is better than old Red McCombs, but that's not saying a whole lot. Good thing the NHL is back this year, because otherwise it would a long winter in Minnesota.

Paging Uwe Boll .... Uwe Boll ... you have a telephone call at the front desk...

Yeah, it's a shitty MS Paint picture. E-mail me with donations so I can buy Photoshop, and the next one will be better.

It hasn't been long since my last post, so I'll be brief with this one. I saw the film 'Doom' at a press screening last night. The Mister Bling capsule review? Piece of shit. It wasn't even 'funny-bad,' it was 'boring-bad,' which is the worst kind of 'bad' there is. Extremely low-budget, the Rock was under-utilized, and there's hardly any gore in it. They go through all the usual action movie cliches, including my personal favorite, when the good guy and the bad guy put down their guns and fist-fight to the death (never mind that the Doom game is a first-person shooter, not a first-person puncher). And speaking of first-person perspectives, the film has about three minutes towards the end where it mimics the video game. Only problem with this is, it had multiple edits, so it didn't look like the video game. How hard would it have been to make it in one take? It was all CGI anyway. This hack director (whose previous masterpieces were Cradle 2 the Grave and Exit Wounds) couldn't even get that right.

I sat next to a newspaper critic in the screening. He mainly writes video game reviews, so I can't wait until Friday to see what he thought. Then again, he didn't take a single note during the entire film, so I'm guessing he'll agree with my take. The rest of the crowd seemed to.

It's not even worth a rental. Uwe Boll might have made a better film. And WOW, did it hurt me to type that.

Hollywood Update

Did you hear the news? Make sure you're sitting down for this one. The excitement might just knock you on your ass. We all know that Ashton Kutcher is so CLEVER. To add to his long listof accolades that includes Punk'd and uh....Dude Where's My Car.... and uh anyway, he's making a sitcom about a young guy that marries and older woman. Where does he get this solid gold material? Maybe I should write a sitcom about a midget genius with tons of charisma and a special talent for wooing the ladies.



I'm sure you're all very upset to hear about Nick and Jessica's apparent break-up. Forgive me if I have a hard time feeling sorry for him. It's not like he's going to miss having those frequent intellectual conversations with her. Don't get me wrong, his music has sucked from the time the clock struck 0:01 on 98 Degrees first album. His SoulO (how fucking clever is that, he must totally have soul) album is no Dark Side of the Moon, either. As far as I'm concerned, Nick should be the happiest guy in the world. He got to bone Jessica Simpson for a couple years, now he gets out just in time to land a gig with ESPN College Game Day. Touring college campuses each week, surrounded by thousands of college girls. If Ashton needs an idea for a sitcom, that would get my vote.



NEWS FLASH - Paris Hilton is a dirty skank. She has no talent or value to society, aside from the occasional home video. That's something we can all agree on. Talk trash about her all you want though, because any straight man out there would crawl naked through barbed wire just to touch one of her granny boobies. Any man who tells you otherwise is a complete liar.