Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Sarah Michelle Gellar Takes One Up the Ass

Don't get too excited, I'm just going to tell you about the worst movie I've ever seen, and not some sordid tale of Buffy following in Paris Hilton's or Pamela Anderson's home movie footsteps. If you haven't seen the movie The Grudge, I don't recommend that you do. It's honestly not an exaggeration for me to say that it's simply the worst movie I have ever seen. This piece of donkey crap makes a clunker like Titanic seem like The Usual Suspects.

Here's the premise: there have been a number of attempts lately (The Ring is another example) to remake Japanese Thriller/Horror films with American actors in English. The whole concept of adapting a foreign film or book for an American audience is fraught with problems. Vanilla Sky is another example of what complete shit can result from those attempts. We'll save the whole what happens when you try to adapt a book that is largely existential philosophy into a feature film for another day when I haven't been drinking for several hours already.

My point is that The Grudge is so full of recycled twists that it becomes completely predictable. And when you can predict how much a movie is going to keep on sucking, it takes the misery associated with viewing it to a whole new level. Takashi Shimizu is not one of the programmers whose name you get to see if you beat the Legend of Zelda on the good old Nintendo Entertainment System. He directed The Grudge and I bet people still haven't stopped kicking his ass since it came out.

So much of the "horror" in The Grudge is a copy of The Ring, which wasn't that great of a film to be copying in the first place, and Memento, as shimmies attempted to make the plot occur out of order so that you don't figure out too early that this movie is going to make you wish you were watching geriatric porn instead of suffering through 92 minutes of crap.

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