Let the Fight Begin!

A recent study found that some of our nation's most savvy investors are United States Senators. Now, I've always been of the opinion that United States Senators are some of the more intelligent citizens of this here nation, but I've never considered them to be particulars astute investors. So, needless to say, I was more than a bit surprised by the results of the study.

Now, there are two ways one can interpret the results of this study. First (and more patriotic), one could surmise that Senators, who are usually briefed daily on the current status of this nation and the world in general, simply know more about the current events that influence stock prices, and therefore gain their performance advantage fairly. Bush administration officials, please note: I have advanced an innocent explanation for this. Please don't put me on your enemies list. Second (and lest patriotic), one could surmise that Senators, who are in daily contact with the members of the capitalist uber-class, including CEOs and directors who are (1) in possession of insider information and (2) interested in gaining favor with people like United States Senators, are privy to information that the rest of us don't have, and are leveraging this information to make themselves a boatload of cash.

I'm interested in hearing your reactions, which will either prove that (1) I'm a cynical SOB who believes the worst about people, or (2) that I'm a realist in a world that makes cynics of us all through bitter experience.

Kansas Gives Evolution Thumbs Down (without questioning how they got thumbs in the first place)

Charles Darwin is totally pissed off at Kansas.

I have plenty of good friends who are religious, despite the fact that I tend not to be. Most of them are incredibly intelligent and reasonable individuals. Most of them, believe me I've asked, don't feel that their particular religion should be taught in public schools. If only they were members of the Kansas State Board of Education, who voted today to change science curriculum to shed doubt on Darwin's Theory of Evolution. As you can see from the picture above, Charles Darwin is very unhappy about this development, or would be, I suppose if he weren't buried in a church in England. Yes, Charles Darwin is buried in a church. Not all religious folks feel that science is a threat to their religious beliefs, only those who weren't properly educated in science.

Kansas has taken a step today to ensure that it's students will be shortchanged during their science education. Call it whatever you want, but Intelligent Design is just a fancy name for Creationism, and there is no science to back up it's claims. If you think differently, I would LOVE to post that research on this site.

If you believe in God, Intelligent Design is actually kind of an ironic insult. If scientific evolution is actually God's complex method of creating the planet and all the things that live on it, how pissed off do you think he is that his followers are trying to keep people from learning about it. Despite what you may have heard, there is not a single facet of Darwinian Evolution that contradicts what is written in the Bible. But, don't tell that to people in Kansas.

How to Win the Supreme Court Debate

Okay, the Midget has invited me to contribute to his Blog, and I feel obligated to do so. I suspect that many of you are, like me, compelled to interact on a daily basis with people whose sole source of news is Rush Limbaugh and/or Fox News. As someone whose sole source of news is The Daily Show and this Blog, I find myself rendered speechless by the things people seem to believe. The problem with being a liberal is that, often, our views are hard to express in a single, 15-second soundbite. This is seldom a problem for Republicans. Thus, in order for us to survive the breathtaking simplicity of their arguments (a simplicity that is only enhanced by the inaccuracies contained therein), we sometimes need simple talking points to extricate ourselves. A trump card, if you will, that allows us to silence the Dittoheads whose yammering is the cause of so many liberal Execedrin(tm) headaches. And so, herewith, your talking points for winning the Supreme Court Debate.

In order to win the Supreme Court debate with any Republican, you need only remember two words: Richard Posner. Posner is a judge in the 7th Circuit Court of Appeals, and was the chief judge of that circuit for 7 years. Widely regarded as a brilliant jurist, Posner has been called one of the most influential judges in the last 20 years. No one has ever accused Posner of being an "activist" judge. And Posner's writings on the relationship between economics and law would comfort most big businesses. And yet, 2 generations of Bushes have passed over Posner in favor of, in order, the brilliant Clarence Thomas; John Roberts; Harriet Miers; and now Sam Alito.

Any rational person would ask "Why, in the name of your Protestant Born-Again God, have you not given this man a chance?" And the answer is both simple and telling. Posner is Pro-Choice, and he's an atheist. Now, Bush II said he wouldn't use abortion as a "litmus test" for judicial, nominees, and Bush II never lies, so we must assume that had nothing to do with Posner not being nominated. And the Constitution, which both Bushes are such fans of, mandates a separation of church and state, so Posner's atheism can't have anything to do with it. So, if what we really want here is the best qualified person for the job, why has Bush II not nominated Posner?

If you can find a Republican who can answer that question, let me know. I'd like to meet them.

Let me entertain you?

Because he said he wanted to change up his blog with some new blood, and because he knew I'd probably never follow through on my continual musings about starting a blog of my own, Ryan graciously extended me an invitation to have access to his site, so I can add my humble thoughts to the crazed meanderings of The Angry Midget and the sharp, witty repartee of Mister Bling. I'm deeply honored to be allowed into their hallowed prosaic domain. Perhaps sometimes I can provide a different perspective. Perhaps sometimes I can even come up with some original and interesting things myself. Mostly, I just hope that I can occasionally make the regular of the site think a little or smile a little. I look forward to sharing, and I promise that my future postings will be less mundane than this one...Leptodactylous (and as you can see from the photo, I really am...)

I wish I saw more of these on the road...

I'm getting tired of all the yellow ribbon magnets on cars, that weren't even made here in this country. Empty gestures do not support our troops. Don't just buy a magnet (in some weak attempt to 'belong' to a group). Try actually doing something that supports our troops. Does your neighbor (or coworker) have a son or daughter serving? Send them a care package. Make a donation to the USO. And for God's sake, take that magnet off of your vehicle. Yeah, I know. You support our troops. So does 99.99 percent of this nation. You're not special, and you don't belong to some group.




That's right, it isn't free. It costs $1.05 And that magnet was $4.99. Do the math.

Blogs that make me fall asleep

For those of you who haven't tried it, clicking on the icon on the banner at the top of the website that says "Next Blog" will randomly link you to another blog that has recently been updated. The consequences of doing so range from interesting to downright masochistic. Out of curiousity every now and again, I will click on the "Next Blog" link to see what sorts of things other people are writing (bitching) about.

As some of you may know and other may find it hard to believe, I enjoy reading other sites, particularly if the writer(s) of those sites have opinions that may differ significantly from mine. That's how that whole World Debate fiasco got started in the first place. In my search to understand the other side, today was not unlike any other day, until I came across this blog.

The basic premise is that the site is incredibly boring, even predictable. As I read through the site, I was overwhelmed by cliche after cliche. I couldn't have made some of this shit up if I were John-fucking-Mayer. He's a self-proclaimed neo-conservative. His hobbies include poker (which last time I checked was EVERYONE'S hobby that didn't have a real hobby before ESPN started broadcasting Texas Hold'em every God damned night) and listening to the band Phish.

I'll be honest that this intrigued me a little bit. A Republican who likes Phish. It's almost good enough that Fox would build an animated Sit-com around the idea. Don't worry, that is absolutely the only interesting thing about this guy. If you continue down through his profile, you'll get the idea.

As an aside, listing Catcher in the Rye or something by Ayn Rand (Fountainhead, in this case) as some of your favorite books does not make you an intellectual. Everyone loves Catcher in the Rye just as much as everyone who listens to shitty music likes to listen to Phish, and how every Tom, Dick and Gary likes to play Texas Hold'em all of the sudden in the last 6 months. Catcher in the Rye is a good book, but also probably the number one sign of a person who hasn't read a book since high school English, when we ALL had to read Catcher in the Rye. The only thing missing here is that his favorite movie wasn't Good Will Hunting (although one them was Pulp Fiction, which is also EVERYONE's favorite movie of all time, except me, I like The Grudge with Sarah Michelle Gellar).

As you can tell, I was getting a little fired up after reading this, so I went to this post on his website and posted the following comment: (Check back to his site to see if he responds)

Wow. Such an original concept. A blog supporting President Bush. I've never seen anything like it.

Do you see the irony in claiming that you will write what you want to write, and then telling Aaron not to excercise his freedom of speech?
Then again, if you admire the President, you're probably one of those people who agrees with the 1st Amendment only for white, Christian, conservatives who won't say things that you find offensive.

The sad thing is that you're probably a really intelligent and interesting guy who has a lot to say, but instead you're going to spend all your time and creative energy writing a blog about how much you'd like to make out with President Bush.

Ryan the Angry Midget is 1 Year Old

The barnyard animals were invited so that Ryan could eat them.

Before you send me ten emails about how a 12 month old has such and extensive vocabulary of profanity, I'm not really just a year old no matter how my picture looks under my profile. The website, on the other hand is one year old. It's hard to believe that we've been at this an entire year. For some of you, it probably seems like longer than that. The inaugural post at 1:51 pm on Monday November 1st 2004 was written the day before the 2004 Presidential Elections, in which President Bush would defeat John Kerry. The rest is history.

In a recent post I asked you to vote for your favorite post of the past year. Two posts, in particular received the most votes by a long shot. Adventures in Babysitting received the most votes (75) of any single post. How people get to this website was a close 2nd (62). The rest of what I wrote in the past year must have been complete crap, since there were less than 150 votes overall, and Mister Bling voted for his three most recent posts one time each.

Thanks for reading what I have had to say in the past year. Look for bigger (larger people writing their opinions) and better (more intelligent people writing their opinions) in the months to come.

The Fashion of the Christ?

Earlier, Mel Gibson had a Christ complex. First, he gave us Braveheart, and then it was The Jerusalem Chainsaw Massacre. But it looks like he's over that now. Behold, the George Lucas complex!

Hey Mel: George Lucas and Peter Jackson can pull that frumpy look off because they really ARE frumpy. It also endears them to the nerdy fan base. You, however, used to be a sex symbol, even with a hairstyle that made Michael Bolton jealous. So, what do they call it when Mel Gibson has that hairstyle? A 'Mellet?' But that's another blog topic altogether.

But seriously, Mel. Dress the part. Sean Connery may be pushing 90 years old, but you still don't see him shopping at the thrift store. That's because he's the man.

On another note, why would Mellet hold a press conference just to announce that he's going to start production on a movie? And why does CNN think this is front-page news?

Harriet Meiers Responds

Mullet or Pre-Mullet?

As Mister Bling reported and everyone has heard already on the news, Harriet Miers withdrew from consideration for the Supreme Court, leaving many to wonder why. I think the best policy in situations like this is to consult Miers' own personal website to learn more. She may not know constitutional law any better than I do, but her blog is completely enthralling.

I also added a link to Americablog to the sidebar, which is quite excellent. It's not quite as edgy as the Harriet Miers Blog or Pat Sajak's website.

Speaking of which, you'll recall my previous rant about the host of Wheel of Fortune throwing his political opinions around as if anyone cared that he was a complete facist. If you go to Pat's website, you'll notice that his political opinions have been removed so that they can no longer be accessed from the main page. Pat's explanation is that he didn't have time in his busy schedule of telling Vanna White to turn letters over to write down his simple-minded opinions. But as per usual, I'm calling shenanigans on that bullshit.

If Pat didn't have time to add to it, why not leave up the existing posts and add to it in the future? Not having time now doesn't mean he had to take all the posts completely off the website. My theory is that Pat's publicist is smarter than Pat is, and realized that having Pat's right wing agenda posted on the internet for the world to see wasn't doing Pat or the Wheel of Fortune too many favors in terms of popularity. If you want to see what a crazy right wing moron the host of Wheel of Fortune is, they're still available at the original link, even if said link has been taken off his main page.

In your dreams, George. In your dreams.

So how relieved is the right this morning? Those on the left were waiting with baited breath for the Senate confirmation hearings. It would've been a bloodbath unlike any the Senate had seen! But alas, it was not to be. Now we just have to wonder what could've been.

You have to wonder who asked Miers to withdraw her nomination. You KNOW it wasn't Dubya, because he doesn't care if he's wrong, as long as he 'stays the course.' Was it Karl Rove? Is anyone even listening to his 'advice' right now? Was it Darth Cheney? If I were him, I'd be paying more attention to my cardiologist than Scooter Libby.

That is to say, IF the aides were the only ones involved in the Plame leak. Maybe Jared Fogel's aides are involved too? I'm not ready to put my tin-foil hat on just yet, but until Patrick Fitzgerald comes out of the darkness with some indictments, stay tuned.

Evaluating the Bush Presidency

I received an interesting email this morning from a concerned reader:
"Midget:
The Bush Administration is likely at its darkest hour. You've spent countless hours making a case against them. And you spent all week writing about sports? WHAT THE FUCK??????"

I appreciate your concern. However, there have been times here when I felt like I've been beating a very dead and very partisan horse. It's encouraging that the general public is finally getting a clue about the job he's doing as President. If you click on that link, you can see the trends in the data are not favorable. But that hasn't kept some Republican loyalists from sending me email:

"Ryan, your website is boring because it's so one sided that there's never any real discussion going on here. Can't you admit all the good things that President Bush has done for democracy in the middle east? You're going to delete this message, but I wanted to let you know that I think your site is crap and that you're clueless."

Ouch! I won't even address the fact that this guy capitalized President Bush, but failed to capitalize a region of the world in the same sentence, but I will address the comments about what the President has done in Iraq.

One thing that I will absolutely give President Bush credit for is deposing Saddam Hussein. It should have been done by his father or Clinton, but there is no doubt that it absolutely needed to be done. People who argue this point are no better than our friend with the capitalization problems above.

The problem is that deposing Saddam Hussein wasn't the reason that we invaded Iraq when we did. Remember? We invaded Iraq because Saddam was going to use nuclear, chemical and biological weapons against us and because he was connected with Al Qaeda. Subsequent investigations have revealed that he didn't have those weapons to use and that we jumped the gun. We just hit 2,000 US Soldiers killed yesterday. Not to mention the thousands of innocent Iraqis that have died since our invasion.

The looming investigation of perjury among top Bush Administration officials, including Bush right-hand-man Karl Rove, is related to the Administration's mission to destroy or discredit those who would have evidence indicating that Iraq didn't have intent to develop a weapons program, as the Bush Administration stated thousands of times. Rove revealed to a news reporter that Valerie Plame was a CIA agent, after her husband came out publicly against Bush's statement that Saddam had attempted to purchase weapon's grade uranium. Why is revealing the identity of a CIA agent a crime: click here to find out.

Not to mention, we didn't elect him to be our democracy builder, we elected him to be our President of our country. He's been meeting with Bono and world leaders about world poverty, which is undoubtedly a huge problem, but also a growing one here in America. Bush appropriated billions of dollars for homeland security, but we're still not paying our police and firefighters adequately. 10 million AMERICAN children do not have access to health care.

And then there's nepotism. If you want evidence of what a bad thing nepotism can be, look no further than former FEMA Director Michael Brown and the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. I'm not one of those idiots who blames FEMA for EVERYTHING bad that happened after Hurricane Katrina, but reasonable people can agree that FEMA was highly ineffective, and having the Director of FEMA on CNN after a hurricane blaming the poor because they stuck around for a hurricane sums up Brown's effectiveness in that post. Bush has a long history of such nominations. He didn't help his cause when he nominated his personal lawyer and friend to the Supreme Court, despite the fact that she failed a part of a questionaire on constitutional law.

I am sorry if I disagree that Bush has done a good job as President. If you make a list of good things he has done (deposing Saddam), you can list 30 other instances of complete incompetance. If Bush's only charge as President was to dipose Saddam, you could still make the argument that it was handled poorly and that we invaded under a complete lie. The intelligence showing Iraq had weapons of mass destruction was not misconstrued, it was absent so that it could have never been construed, correctly or not, in the first place. Stand by your man, Republicans. I need a beer.

If only Mike Martz knew Charlie Weis

Perhaps former St. Louis Rams Head Coach Mike Martz should have called the Make A Wish Foundation, instead of calling his former team from home on Sunday. In his latest and most pathetic act, Martz called a team official during the Rams game on Sunday against the homeless New Orleans Saints and tried to suggest a play for the team to run. That team official was denied access to the Offensive Coordinator, so Martz never got the opportunity to have his play used in the game. The Rams won the game anyway.

I bet Martz wishes that Charlie Weis, head coach of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, would have been in charge of the decision. We're all still trying to recover from the heart-wrenching story that Weis allowed a 10 year-old boy with terminal brain cancer to call the team's first play in their game against Washington. And the kid died the day before the game. All of that, despite the fact that the kid called pass right and that Notre Dame's first play from scrimmage was from their own 1 yard-line. I get all misty just writing about it.

Martz, on the other hand, is not dyeing, at least not anymore than the rest of us die a little each time we hear Kelly Clarkson on the radio. Martz did step down as Rams head coach after he was diagnosed with a heart infection, but he's obviously having a hard time letting go. If you were the management of the Rams, I can see why you might not want Martz calling the plays.

Some have dubbed Martz and Offensive Genius, when it comes to play calling. While I would agree that Martz is offensive, his genius is highly questionable. Before he left the team this year, they were 2-3 and lost a big home game to division rival, Seattle. Martz has one of the best young running backs in the NFL, Steven Jackson, and all he did the first 5 games of the season is throw the ball around like he was playing my sister on Madden '06 for Xbox.

Since Martz left, the team is 1-1, and the loss was to the undefeated Indianapolis Colts. The offense has become much more balanced, and I predict that the Rams will improve as the season wears on. Lucky for them they are in the NFC West, which is only marginally better than the NFC North division, so the Rams are hardly out of the race. They're also lucky that Martz won't be allowed by team ownership to call the game from his recliner at home. If the last few weeks have shown anything for the Rams, it's that they don't need Mike Martz.

Also, Brad Lidge sucks.

Deja Vu All Over Again

Oh noes! It's teh meatball!!1!

I almost feel sorry for Brad Lidge. It's been a long season, and his arm obviously doesn't have anything left in it. He brought a 95 mph fastball to the plate last night, but it had absolutely no movement on it whatsoever. Just a couple of months ago, his fastball was dancing all over the place. But SCOTT PODSEDNIK? I guess my earlier comment about David Eckstein hitting one off of him could've been true after all.

Either Lidge's arm is a rubber band right now, or he doesn't have the heart of a champion. Either way, the 'Stros are in big, big trouble.

Ode to the Minnesota Vikings (and their obnoxious fans)

The Love Boat Starring Onterrio Smith's Naked Ass

Maybe it's because I live in the Midwest and because I happen to live close to Minneapolis. Maybe it's because Minnesota Vikings fans are among the most obnoxious people I have ever encountered. Either way, I can't say I'm too disappointed with how the season has gone for those purple-clad morons from the north. This season for the Vikings, or Viqueens as I often refer to them, has provided more drama than anything the Real World Austin could have ever dreamed of.

The season started the same way as most good Greek tragedies: great expectations and high hopes. Pre-season rankings from both ESPN.com and FoxSports.com, among other sports authorities, put the Vikings near the top of the entire league and certainly atop the weakest division in the NFL, the NFC North. Despite the loss of their top wide receiver, Randy Moss, the consensus was that the Vikings were headed for the Playoffs, at least.

Speaking of Randy Moss, the next time I hear a Vikings fan say that the team is better without Randy Moss or use the Raiders as an example of how crappy Randy Moss is, they're going to get a Size 5 shoe up their asses.

The Viking's problems run so much deeper than not having Randy Moss. First and foremost, they suck at playing football. The defense gave up 28 points to a Kyle Orton-led Chicago Bears offense last week. That's the same Bears offense that had a previous high score of 21, against Detroit, in a game where the other QB threw 5 interceptions.

People can talk all they want about Mike Tice's Super Bowl ticket scandle, the Sex Party Boat Ride, or the original whizzinator. While all of those things are embarrassing, they don't change the fact that your team sucks. Controversial things like that happen all the time in sports, and it doesn't stop teams from winning, unless, like the Vikings, they suck at their respective sport. Ray Lewis was charged with murder during some very successful runs for the Baltimore Ravens, something tells me a good team can make it through a sex party and apparent drug use by a fourth-string running back.

Despite all of this, Vikings fans remain faithful to their team, which would be honorable, if they weren't so stupid about it. Example: I was discussing the terrible season that the Vikings were having with one of their diehard fans, and he still holds out hope that the Vikings can win their division. This is the equivalent of hoping Santa Claus will come to visit you after you move out of your parents' house.

I'll admit that the NFC North is the worst division in the NFL, hands down. It will be a fight to the finish to see who sucks the least and gets an obligatory spot in the Playoffs. When it comes down to which team will win the division, it's like comparing turds and how they taste: it's all shit. Despite that, I will pick the Chicago Bears to win the division, since they actually have a decent defense. Detroit has a headcase at QB and are the only team the Vikings have beaten this year. Green Bay lost half of its offensive line, its star receiver, and has an old headcase at QB. Chicago is not a great team, but they will suck the least in the long run, and will be a nice first round bye for whatever lucky NFC team draws them in the playoffs.

To all you Viking fans out there, I would say that there's always next year's draft, but there are so many problems with your team, that it's going to take a lot of years of drafts to fix those problems. There's always hope in free agency as well, if your brand new owner weren't so cheap and terribly bad at it. I know, I know, Yuri Valishnikov or whatever former European Hockey star is the new owner is better than old Red McCombs, but that's not saying a whole lot. Good thing the NHL is back this year, because otherwise it would a long winter in Minnesota.

Paging Uwe Boll .... Uwe Boll ... you have a telephone call at the front desk...

Yeah, it's a shitty MS Paint picture. E-mail me with donations so I can buy Photoshop, and the next one will be better.

It hasn't been long since my last post, so I'll be brief with this one. I saw the film 'Doom' at a press screening last night. The Mister Bling capsule review? Piece of shit. It wasn't even 'funny-bad,' it was 'boring-bad,' which is the worst kind of 'bad' there is. Extremely low-budget, the Rock was under-utilized, and there's hardly any gore in it. They go through all the usual action movie cliches, including my personal favorite, when the good guy and the bad guy put down their guns and fist-fight to the death (never mind that the Doom game is a first-person shooter, not a first-person puncher). And speaking of first-person perspectives, the film has about three minutes towards the end where it mimics the video game. Only problem with this is, it had multiple edits, so it didn't look like the video game. How hard would it have been to make it in one take? It was all CGI anyway. This hack director (whose previous masterpieces were Cradle 2 the Grave and Exit Wounds) couldn't even get that right.

I sat next to a newspaper critic in the screening. He mainly writes video game reviews, so I can't wait until Friday to see what he thought. Then again, he didn't take a single note during the entire film, so I'm guessing he'll agree with my take. The rest of the crowd seemed to.

It's not even worth a rental. Uwe Boll might have made a better film. And WOW, did it hurt me to type that.

Hollywood Update

Did you hear the news? Make sure you're sitting down for this one. The excitement might just knock you on your ass. We all know that Ashton Kutcher is so CLEVER. To add to his long listof accolades that includes Punk'd and uh....Dude Where's My Car.... and uh anyway, he's making a sitcom about a young guy that marries and older woman. Where does he get this solid gold material? Maybe I should write a sitcom about a midget genius with tons of charisma and a special talent for wooing the ladies.



I'm sure you're all very upset to hear about Nick and Jessica's apparent break-up. Forgive me if I have a hard time feeling sorry for him. It's not like he's going to miss having those frequent intellectual conversations with her. Don't get me wrong, his music has sucked from the time the clock struck 0:01 on 98 Degrees first album. His SoulO (how fucking clever is that, he must totally have soul) album is no Dark Side of the Moon, either. As far as I'm concerned, Nick should be the happiest guy in the world. He got to bone Jessica Simpson for a couple years, now he gets out just in time to land a gig with ESPN College Game Day. Touring college campuses each week, surrounded by thousands of college girls. If Ashton needs an idea for a sitcom, that would get my vote.



NEWS FLASH - Paris Hilton is a dirty skank. She has no talent or value to society, aside from the occasional home video. That's something we can all agree on. Talk trash about her all you want though, because any straight man out there would crawl naked through barbed wire just to touch one of her granny boobies. Any man who tells you otherwise is a complete liar.

The entire city of Houston gets owned

Father, it's been more than 30 years since my last confession, mainly because I'm not Catholic, but I have to confess now ... I'm a Cubs fan. So of course, I'm not too excited about the White Sox making it to the World Series, but I'll admit, it's out of jealousy. I don't want Chicago's first World Series championship in almost 90 years to be brought by the South Side, to their meth-addicted mullet-wearing Neckcar fans. My team was five outs away in 2003, but they couldn't shut the door against the Marlins. I'm not about to blame it on
some poor schmuck, because frankly, if Alex Gonzalez hadn't booted the soft grounder hit to him right after that incident,
people would remember the name 'Bartman' the same way those of us raised in the 80's originally did. In the face of adversity, the 2003 Cubs didn't have the heart of a champion. Hurts to admit it, but it's the truth. Almost as painful is that I live in Dallas, Texas, and have to hear all these fair-weather Astro fans (who were Ranger fans until September) run their holes, as if they actually care about anything other than how ugly the Cowboys have been winning right now.

Having said all that, how on earth could Brad Lidge throw that 'slider' to Albert Pujols last night? It wasn't even a slider, it was an 'er,' cuz it had no 'slide' to it at all. David Eckstein could've hit that pitch out, much less a world-class masher like Pujols, and with that whiffle-ball left-field, well .... let's just say that the ball Pujols hit still hasn't landed. If you watched the game last night, you probably noticed how amped up the crowd was at Enron Field ... until that underhand sausage was put on the plate by Houston's 'closer.' After that, it sounded like the entire city gasped. And of course, I couldn't stop laughing. Mainly because it's not my team getting owned (for a change).

Father, it's been two minutes since my last confession. I'm spiteful against the Astros because I took a weekend trip to Houston this summer to watch two Cubs/Astros games, and watched as my Cubs got pummelled both games. Yeah, yeah, I know the drill, cuz I've watched enough movies. Five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers. Got it.

P.S. Yes, I know it's technically called Minute Maid Park, but only Astros fans and sportscasters call it that. The rest of us remember. And yes, 'Pujols' is pronounced 'Poo-holes.'



huh huh huh huh huh huh

MEDIA PANDEMIC!!!!!

Readers of this page can tell you, I'm no fan of the news media. Many people despise the mainstream media to the point that it's almost become a hip cliche, paricularly among bloggers. However, I'm not one of those individuals who has the inflated sense of self-importance to believe that somehow what I'm doing here is better than what Anderson Cooper or Brit Hume does. The difference is that I don't have the responsibility to provide the correct information. The media does have this responsibility, but fails miserably in supporting it.

Example? Bird Flu. Every major mainstream media outlet has frontpage coverage of Bird Flu. MSNBC.com even has an entire subsection of the website dedicated to the latest information about Avian Influenza. A common theme in the media coveraage is the use of the word "pandemic" and headlines like "Dire outlook for bird flu." "No nation prepared for bird flu."

However, if you look at facts provided by the World Health Organization, it paints a stark contrast to what we're seeing in the media. Much like the SARS coverage from the last few years, the mainstream media has taken a health issue, and created unjustified paranoia. If you read the above link from WHO, you'll learn, among other things:

• Avian Flu is common worldwide, and has been for years.
• Avian Flu generally infects only birds and pigs.
• A previous "outbreak" of Avian Flu occurred in Hong Kong in 1997 infected 18 people, and killed 6. Healthcare workers who cared for infected individuals did not have severe symptoms.
• 60 people in Asia have died so far in this most recent "outbreak".

Nevermind that approximately 63,000 people die every year from People Flu. Forget the fact that worldwide, nearly 3.1 million people die from AIDS annually. The mainstream media wants you to be worried about Bird Flu. Or Shark Attacks. Or What Danger Lurks in Your Home. Think I'm just being a dick? Enter What Danger Lurks In Your Home into Google and browse through some of the 340,000 results that you get, and how many of them are news reports about things that probable are neither dangerous nor in your home.

The point is that Avian Flu, Shark Attacks, and Danger that Lurks in Your Home are worth worrying about. But, it's apparent from our little excercise that the media distorts the relative importance of these issues. I was going to make a bar graph comparing AIDS deaths to good old Human Flu deaths and Avian Flu deaths, but your computer screen is not large enough to get the scale right. The Avian Flu deaths would be the thickness of Dick Cheney's weiner and AIDs deaths would be the length of mine. Question what you read, see, and hear, even from this site, since you never know when I'll be pulling your leg.

Ask about it at work

This interesting news item grabbed my attention earlier today. Reader's Digest Version: Company (AFLAC) has strict moral conduct policy for employees. Employees engage in immoral behavior, as employees tend to do, at least in every job I've ever had. Wife of employee engaged in said behavior also company employee. Wife sues company for failing to uphold own moral policy after pictures of said immoral behavior circulate among fellow employees.

Call me a liberatarian, if you wish (I've been called worse), but what the hell is a company like AFLAC doing having a policy governing what their employees do outside of work? The whole business of circulating sex pictures of an affair through the place where both you and your wife are employed is obviously deplorable, if not sophmoric. The two idiots in question would likely get the boot in any employment situation, not just one with an annoying duck as their spokesperson and some policy that their employees must not engage in immoral behavior. You see, my friends, circulating sex pictures at work is sexual harassment, no matter how much you want your coworkers to see how well your girlfriend does the reverse cowgirl.

AFLAC is not the only company on the block who tries to hold their employees to higher moral standards. The problem with moral standards, particularly with vague policies like AFLAC's, which reads: associates not engage in "conduct involving moral turpitude, dishonesty, fraud, deceit (or) wilful misrepresentation." is that moral turpitude is not a standard concept. Such policies can be used against any employee who's lifestyle doesn't meet the company moral standard, whatever that may be. It could be used to discriminate against gays, transgendered people, and even midgets, since we all know how midgets have a penchant for immorality.

Employees don't need morality policies since any behavior that occurs on the job is likely governed by other policies created by lawyers and everybody's favorite department at work, human resources. Not only has AFLAC's case shown the uselessness of such policies, but they aren't even enforcing their own high moral standards. I've had a lot of jobs, and I've never been lucky enough to have pictures of two of my coworkers fornicating passed around the office.

I hope that AFLAC loses the case, stops trying to (ineffectively) regulate their employees behavior, and drops their ridiculously annoying ad campaign, which only increases the likelihood that I will eat a duck for Thanksgiving this year.

Vote for your Favorite Post of the Last Year

Believe it or not, this website is almost one year old. In celebration and recognition of the event, we will feature the top 3 posts from the past year. You have almost 150 to choose from at this point. Click on the Angry Archives on the sidebar to find your favorite. Then email me your choice for favorite post at ryanthenangrymidget@hotmail.com . The winner will be announced on our first birthday, November 4, 2005. We will also be naming the least favorite post, so if you have an opinion along those lines, feel free to share that with me via email as well.

Belated Welcome and Rants About PETA

Their love was strictly forbidden by state law...except in Arkansas, where this photo was taken.

Let me first take the time to welcome Mister Bling to the fray. He's been a constant contributor to the site from day one, and I figured I might as well add another perspective to the site. If you're interested in becoming a contributor, show us your skills in the comment section and you might find yourself writing here.

I have ranted about People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) for as long as I have been able to rant. With all the problems that we face in the world today with war, genocide, lack of healthcare for children, child abuse and the like, here is a group of people with screwed up priorities. An organization that wastes millions of dollars every year trying to keep me and other Americans from using their canines.

On Friday, something happened that was completely unexpected and hilarious. I have meetings on Friday, so I almost always have to grab a quick lunch. On Friday, I chose Kentucky Fried Chicken. They have these new flavors of sauce for their wings that are all out of sight. Two very saucy thumbs up, but I digress.

Pulling into the drive through at KFC, I was cutoff by an asshole in a Ford Explorer, who was in such a hurry, one had to wonder if he had diarrhea or something. As I sat in the drive thru waiting for my order, the guy hops out of his Explorer, and is wearing a chicken suit. I think "Wow, KFC has a really great idea for getting people's attention."

I continue through the drive thru and pick up my order. As I wait for the attendant to get my change, I notice a group of people at the front of the drive thru holding signs that say www.kentuckyfriedcruelty.com with pictures of dead chickens on them. This is the point where I KNOW that this is not a marketing campaign for KFC. I also see the guy from the SUV sitting in a wheelchair, portraying what I can only imagine is an injured chicken. I start thinking about how the chicken I'm about to eat will NOT need a wheelchair when I'm done with them.

As I start down the drive thru, a million thoughts cross my mind: 1) Yell 2) Throw your wings 3) Point out that thousands of animals are killed when you harvest soy beans to make tofu. I'm obviously nervous, and as I approach the end of the drive thru, a women descends on my car with a sign bearing the image of a dead chicken that says "Chicken is Murder".

Do I say something witty or offensive? Nope. All I can muster as she tries to hand me a pamphlet is "Chicken is good." In my moment of truth, face to face with those I despise, the best thing I can come up with is "Chicken is good"? Needless to say, I wanted to go back through the drive thru again, and replay the encounter, but it would have lost it's punch, so to speak. Next time, however, I will be prepared.

Know your audience!

Before I begin, I wanted to say 'hello' to all of you who visit this site. You may have seen my name in the comment board once in a while. As it turns out, the Angry Midget got tired of my posting there, and tried to ban me from his blog. However, he did not know that I have 1337 Haxxor skills, and cracked the 15,809 bit encryption on his page, so I now can post entire topics here (Cue evil laugh ... muwhahahahaha)! When I feel like ranting, I'm going to hack in and post, and there's nothing Ryan or any of his angry midget pirate army can do about it!

So for my first rant, I want to talk about the woman who got kicked off of a Southwest flight for wearing a t-shirt with a picture of Bush and Cheney on it that said 'Meet the Fuckers.' Message boards are already lighting up about this, but for political reasons, like, "Southwest are a bunch of fascists!" Folks, let's get something straight. This was not done for political reasons. Take the picture of the president and the vice president off of it, and it's just a t-shirt with a swear word. If you're going to go into a public place wearing a shirt with an obscenity on it, you're running the risk of being kicked out of that place. That's a pretty basic fact, but apparently that woman was sick the day they taught common sense in school.

When I was at the Sounds of the Underground tour earlier this summer, a kid who didn't look old enough to vote had the very same shirt on. But since 90 percent of the bands who performed at that festival use swear words in their songs, I'm sure no one cared. The moral of the story? Know your audience. Sounds like common sense, right? Here's another piece of free common sense advice: don't wear a racist shirt to school, especially if people of other races go there. In fact, don't wear the shirt at all, unless you're in a big hurry to get your ass kicked.

Now, having said that, I feel like I have to come clean about something. I like death metal. A lot. Ask the Angry Midget. Most of the music in my collection is even angrier than he is. But some of it is very lyrically positive as well. Some of the bands I like are (GASP!) Christian. Personally, believe what you want. I don't care what you believe, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't bother yourself with what I believe. As long as your music rocks, the lyrics mean very little. But for the sake of full disclosure, I'll share a moment from my life with you. I went to a concert last year where a few Christian metal bands performed, and I wore THIS shirt:

I didn't get kicked out of the venue. In fact, I got major props from a guy there. Granted, he was wearing a Slayer shirt, but that counts, right?

If I wore this shirt on a plane flight, I might get a dirty look or two, but no one could kick me off the plane without getting a call from my lawyer twenty minutes later. I'd have to flip a coin to decide which Constitutional Amendment I wanted to invoke. Technically, there's nothing offensive about the shirt. Don't believe me? If you took it to the MPAA, they'd give it a PG rating. But the main reason I wore it? I like fucking with people, especially if I know they're not going to do anything about it. Unlike our current president, most Christians believe in that whole 'turn the other cheek' thing (even the metalheads), so I wasn't expecting anyone to approach me about it (and I was right, no one did). And even if they did, I'd just take a page from Bill Hicks's book, and say, "Well, you're a Christian. Forgive me." Works every time.

Know your audience.

Who is this frightening old woman?

The reason pillowcases were invented.

President Bush named his choice to fill Sandra Day O'Connor's vacancy on the Supreme Court this morning, long-time advisor and legal council Harriet Miers. Because little is known about Miers and she has no judicial record, having never been a judge, the only thing that's a certainty at this point is that Ruth Bader Ginsburg will be the most physically attractive woman on the Supreme Court, once again edging out Justices Scalia and Thomas.

The amount of sheer speculation surrounding Miers in the media is incredible. Bush may have selected her simply because she has no judicial record by which to be evaluated. From a strategic and political standpoint, however, Bush could have nominated William Bennett, even after last week's comments, and probably gotten him confirmed by the Republican Congress.

Miers may eventually turn out to be an under the radar conservative voice that Bush needs to swing the Supreme Court. The problem with that thinking is that Bush didn't have to do that. Republicans control Congress by enough votes that Bush could have nominated someone with an incredibly conservative judicial record and unless they rape and murder babies in their spare time, they could probably get confirmed.

One good sign is that some conservative Congressmen and right-wing groups are already voicing their concern regarding Miers' nomination. These groups and individuals, however, may just be searching for assurances that Bush's nominee would consider overturning Roe v. Wade.

I doubt seriously that President Bush would nominate someone to the Supreme Court who was Pro-Choice and not completely conservative. The lack of information on Miers may be exactly what the President wants in a nominee, because less ammunition exists to be used during the confirmation hearings. Stay tuned in the coming days to see what we new details we learn about Miss Miers.

William Bennett is NUTS

As you've probably gathered over the past year, President Bush and I don't agree on many things. I wonder sometimes if there are things outside of politics, such as flavors of BBQ Sauce or favorite brands of beer, where old W and I might find common ground. Perhaps Bush also enjoyed the movie Billy Madison, as I did. One particular news item this week, gave me particular hope that the President and I might actually agree on something related to politics.

That something is our judgement of comments made by former Secretary of Education and Virtue Guru William Bennett. I have included as much of his comments as I can find below, so that we don't get accused of taking Bennett's interesting perspective out of context (article):

“But I do know that it’s true that if you wanted to reduce crime, you could, if
that were your sole purpose, you could abort every black baby in this country,
and your crime rate would go down,” said Bennett, author of “The Book of
Virtues.” He went on to call that “an impossible, ridiculous and morally
reprehensible thing to do, but your crime rate would go down. So these far-out,
these far-reaching, extensive extrapolations are, I think, tricky.”

Bennett later said that his comments were taken out of context because he was not actually suggesting that all black women be forced to have abortions in order to lower the crime rate in this country because that would be immoral. No kidding?

The problem with Bennett's comments is not that I believe he was ACTUALLY suggesting mandatory abortions for all blacks as a policy. Not that such a position coming from him would surprise me. Rather, the problem with Bennett's comment is that it implies a favorite thesis of conservative morons that somehow black people are to blame for the crime problem in this country.

It's far too deep a topic to discuss in this format, but if you're interested in a well-written paper on the subject check out this paper, which discusses the differences in incaceration rates between whites, blacks and hispanics, and how those should not be used as measures of actual crime, as they often are in the mainstream media. Rather, the fact that poor and minority individuals often can't afford legal representation or don't understand the legal system might have more to do with who is in jail than who pulls the trigger more often.

Where Bush and I agree is that Bennett's comments are ridiculous. It's a little scary that it had to come to something this extreme for us to see eye to eye, but I'm glad that the President isn't so loyal to his former cronies that he would try to defend Bennett's statements. I was afraid he might try.

Without DeLay

Way back in April, you may recall a discussion on this very website about GOP House Majority Leader Tom DeLay and an impending investigation into the legality of campaign contributions that his Political Action Committee received from corporations. In Texas, it against the law for political candidates to receive money from corporations. DeLay and other GOP members in Texas took money from corporations in order to pay for their political campaigns. Seems pretty clear cut to me...

Finally this week, DeLay was indicted for his role. The GOP response has been interesting. First, the GOP responded angrily calling it a political game. DeLay himself categorically denied any wrongdoing. After all, the Prosecutor in Texas, Ronnie Earle, who is bringing the indictment against DeLay is a DEMOCRAT, which apparently disqualifies him from prosecuting criminals like DeLay, who don't share his political views.

While only time will tell about the outcome of DeLay's indictment, some interesting events have already transpired. Republicans have started to return money that was received from DeLay's PAC. Boy, isn't that interesting behavior from a group who apparently doesn't believe the charges levelled against their leader? If Republicans are giving back money, chances are they are doing so only to avoid indictments themselves. After all, if the money was obtained within the law, why give it back? The only thing Republicans love more than keeping abortion legal to be used as a political tool is money, so this is a pretty significant sign of what we're dealing with here.

DeLay's court date is set for three weeks from now. He should have plenty of time to prepare, since he's stepped down as House Majority Leader.

If you want a litmus test for your friends who are Republicans, to see if they are good people who happen to have different beliefs than you or crazy assholes who would defend President Bush if he ate a Jewish baby, see how they react when DeLay is convicted. If they admit what he did was wrong, you know you're dealing with a reasonable individual, despite their unenlightened view of politics. If they're still defending him after he's convicted, suggest that they seek professional help to get Bush's cock removed from their ass.

The Blame Game

I have to say that it's been quite entertaining to hear some of the crap that comes out of the mouth of ex-FEMA cheif Michael Brown since the debacle that was his agency's handling of Hurricane Katrina and the aftermath. If you recall, Brown initially blamed the poor and disabled people of New Orleans for not jumping in their cars and fleeing the city after a mandatory evacuation order was placed before Katrina made landfall. It was at that point that I realized how much of an asshole this guy really is.

Today's Congressional Hearing offerred an opportunity for some other wonderful quotes from Brown, and some downright awesome exchanges between Brown and members of the comittee:

"And while my heart goes out to people on fixed incomes, it is primarily a state and local responsibility. And in my opinion, it's the responsibility of faith-based organizations, of churches and charities and others to help those people." _ Michael Brown, former FEMA director.

While there is no doubt that churches and faith-based organizations have provided more than FEMA did in the wake of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, that is a FRIGHTENING quote from a guy whose job it is to coordinate federal management efforts after natural disasters. Would he suggest that churches should have gotten together and put out the fires and rounded up the terrorists after the World Trade Center bombings? Given the number of people without food, clothing and shelter in the aftermath of Katrina, churches and faith-based organizations are obviously not equipped to handle this sort of thing without additional support.

In the words of Rep. Gene Taylor, D-Miss:
"What part of the FEMA plan envisioned that the first responders in Hancock County and much of the Mississippi Gulf Coast would have to loot the local grocery store and loot the local Wal-Mart in order to feed themselves, would have to loot the local Wal-Mart in order to have a change of clothes?"

The irony behind all of this is that one the same page discussing the hearings on Capitol Hill there are still thousands of people affected by Hurricane Rita who don't have access to basis services. Wasn't our response supposed to be better this time? I guess we're too busy trying to figure out who to blame to fix anything. While the President rides around the country burning jet fuel and reminding all of us to conserve gas, I guess anything is possible.

Why I am tired of Fiscal/Economic Conservatives

The President's less than stellar job approval rating among Americans has provided an opportunity for me to have some pretty interesting discussions lately about the President. Recall that I live in the conservative homeland that is Nebraska. While it's not as far gone as say Utah or Wyoming, Nebraska isn't exactly a haven for progressive individuals like myself. The one benefit is that I have plenty of crap to write about on this website.

With the President's job approval rating so low, it means that it can't just be the usual Bush-haters that don't approve of his abysmal policies and wait and see approach to hurricane relief. Even conservative die-hards are starting to voice their dissent. In a bar last night, I encountered one such individual, a self-proclaimed fiscal/economic conservative and social "moderate". Aside from a difficulty setting on Mortal Kombat 3 for Sega Genesis, I have no idea what moderate means. I think maybe it means "I am a conservative who wants to be perceived as compassionate."

This individual complained that he is unhappy with President Bush, despite supporting him less than a year ago in the election of 2004. Why? His continued ignorance regarding the reality of how long we will have troops in Iraq? Nope. The bungled response to Hurriance Katrina? Keep guessing, this list could keep going for a while. This guy is unhappy with Bush because of his out of control government spending.

This is not an uncommon sentiment among "true" conservatives. By "true" I mean those of you who would sell your first-born child for an unchecked free market economy or the elimination of the estate tax. I think it's hilarious Bush is even allowed to consider himself a conservative, given the fact that he still hasn't outlawed abortion or controlled spending, despite the fact that it's been well within his power to do so. The best part about this is that conservatives have no one to blame but themselves.

You can't blame to Democrats in Congress, since they would need the Republicans there to vote through any spending packages. Bush has yet to veto any spending packages that have crossed his desk in 5 years. Could it be that all the conservatives out there who thought they were voting for a true conservative were duped?

The scariest part is that these fiscal conservative assholes had to wait through thousands of innocent people being killed in Iraq, before they finally got upset about Bush's out of control budgetary policies. What's even worse is that there are still some people out there who think Bush is doing a great job. How self-righteous does a person have to be for them not to be able to admit how horrible this guy has done as our President? Is it that important to be right that you're willing to put your own righteousness ahead of the well-being of fellow American citizens?

Hurricane Katrina

I think it's a huge mistake to play political games with a national tragedy like Hurricane Katrina. However, in a situation where federal policies and the response of federal agencies was so inadequate that people's lives were lost as a result of that incompentance, something needs to be said. Molly Ivins said it much better than I could have in the Chicago Tribune:

Molly Ivins: 'Why New Orleans is in deep water'

AUSTIN, Texas -- Like many of you who love New Orleans, I find myself taking short mental walks there today, turning a familiar corner, glimpsing a favorite scene, square or vista. And orrying about the beloved friends and the city, and how they are now.

To use a fine Southern word, it's tacky to start playing the blame game before the dead are even counted. It is not too soon, however, to make a point that needs to be hammered home again and again, and that is that government policies have real consequences in people's lives.

This is not "just politics" or blaming for political advantage. This is about the real consequences of what governments do and do not do about their responsibilities. And about who winds up paying the price for those policies.

This is a column for everyone in the path of Hurricane Katrina who ever said, "I'm sorry, I'm just not interested in politics," or, "There'snothing I can do about it," or, "Eh, they're all crooks anyway."

Nothing to do with me, nothing to do with my life, nothing I can do about any of it. Look around you this morning. I suppose the National Rifle Association would argue, "Government policies don't kill people, hurricanes kill people." Actually, hurricanes plus government policies kill people. One of the main reasons New Orleans is so vulnerable to hurricanes is the gradual isappearance of the wetlands on the Gulf Coast that once stood as a natural buffer between the city and torms coming in from the water. The disappearance of those wetlands does not have the name ofa political party or a particular administration attached to it. No one wants to play, "The Democrats did it," or, "It's all Reagan's fault." Many environmentalists will tell you more than a century's interference with the natural flow of the Mississippi is the root cause of the problem, cutting off the movement of alluvial soil to the river's delta.

But in addition to long-range consequences of long-term policies like letting the Corps of engineers try to build a better river than God, there are real short-term consequences, as well. It is a fact that the Clinton administration set some tough policies on wetlands, and it is a fact that the Bush administration repealed those policies--ordering federal agencies to stop protecting as many as 20 million acres of wetlands.

Last year, four environmental groups cooperated on a joint report showing the Bush Administration's policies had allowed developers to drain thousands of acres of wetlands.

Does this mean we should blame President Bush for the fact that New Orleans is underwater? No, but it means we can blame Bush when a Category 3 or Category 2 hurricane puts New Orleans under. At this point, it is a matter of making a bad situation worse, of failing to observethe First Rule of Holes (when you're in one, stop digging).

Had a storm the size of Katrina just had the grace to hold off for a while, it's quite likely no one would even remember what the Bush administration did two months ago. The national press corps has the attention span of a gnat, and trying to get anyone in Washington to remember longer than a year ago is like asking them what happened in Iznik, Turkey, in A.D. 325.

Just plain political bad luck that, in June, Bush took his little ax and chopped $71.2 million from the budget of the New Orleans Corps of Engineers, a 44 percent reduction. As was reported in New Orleans CityBusiness at the time, that meant "major hurricane and flood projects will not be awarded to local engineering firms. Also, a study to determine ways to protect the region from a Category 5 hurricane has been shelved for now."

The commander of the corps' New Orleans district also immediately instituted a hiring freeze and canceled the annual corps picnic. Our friends at the Center for American Progress note the Office of Technology Assessment used to produce forward-thinking plans such as "Floods: A National Policy Concern" and "A Framework for Flood Hazards Management." Unfortunately, the office was targeted by Newt Gingrich and the Republican right, and gutted years ago.

In fact, there is now a governmentwide movement away from basing policy on science, expertise and professionalism, and in favor of choices based on ideology. If you're wondering what the ideological position on flood management might be, look at the pictures of New Orleans--it seems to consist of gutting the programs that do anything.

Unfortunately, the war in Iraq is directly related to the devastation left by the hurricane. About 35 percent of Louisiana's National Guard is now serving in Iraq, where four out of every 10 soldiers are guardsmen.

Recruiting for the Guard is also down significantly because people are afraid of being sent to Iraq if they join, leaving the Guard even more short-handed.

The Louisiana National Guard also notes that dozens of its high-water vehicles, Humvees, refuelers and generators have also been sent abroad. (I hate to be picky, but why do they need high-water vehicles in Iraq?)

This, in turn, goes back to the original policy decision to go into Iraq without enough soldiers and the subsequent failure to admit that mistake and to rectify it by instituting a draft.

The levees of New Orleans, two of which are now broken and flooding the city, were also victims of Iraq war spending. Walter Maestri, emergencymanagement chief for Jefferson Parish, said on June 8, 2004, "It appears that the money has been moved in the president's budget to handle homeland security and the war in Iraq."

This, friends, is why we need to pay attention to government policies, not political personalities, and to know whereon we vote. It is about our lives.

How time flies....

I have to apologize for not posting for almost 3 weeks. A lot of interesting crap has happened since that last angry post about VD. Here are a sampling of email that I have received:

"Did you die in Hurricane Katrina?"

No. I live in Nebraska. If I did die in Hurricane Katrina, would sending me an email tell you anything?

"I am glad to see you've finally stopped posting crap on this page. You must have gotten the message that people don't like to read crap. I bet you got sick of having like 2 hits a week. Blogs suck, and yours sucks hardest of all."

You wish, dicklicker. I'm back with a vengence. I made it very clear in the beginning that if I didn't have something to write, I wouldn't waste your time. Time is something I haven't had a lot of lately, but things are starting to settle down. If my site sucks, don't read it. For the amount of time it took you to write that email, you could have donated money to the Red Cross, mentored a child, or jerked off a donkey. This site may suck, but the fact that you're reading it says more about you than it does about me.

"I'm surprised that you haven't posted anything on Hurricane Katrina. The feds are fucking this up badly. People are starving to death. Doesn't that piss you off enough to write SOMETHING?"

The situation with the Hurricane was simple. I was feeling like complete shit about it in the first place. I have friends in New Orleans, who are thankfully safe, but I have to say that I was really disgusted with the media coverage of the whole thing. Except Robert Siegel of National Public Radio, who took Secretary of Homeland Security Direction Chertoff to task about the lack of federal response on air. If everyone had been like Robert Siegel, the government might have felt compelled to do something aside from fly over the scene in Air Force One.

"I usually check your site once or twice a week to see what has been written, but lately you've been MIA? Is this the end for the Angry Midget?"

No. As long as people continue to read this and I have something to write about, it will continue. Once people stop reading it or I start to sound like a broken record, that's when it ends. Plain and simple. Let's not read too much into this. I would much rather spend time writing profanity and talking about pirates, than I would analyzing how often I post to this damned site.

Thanks for your concern, and for continuing to write when you think I may have been swallowed by a Hurricane or sold to a Latvian Circus. Happy Labor Day.

So, I'm just looking on the internet for news, minding my own business, when...

Have you considered HERPES, you dirty skank?

Maybe sleeping with half of the men's rugby team at your local college or university was a bad idea after all. If the purpose of advertising is to grab a person's attention, the folks at Novartis Pharmaceuticals have that shit down. Exhibit A is the internet banner ad listed above that links to this site with information about everybody's favorite incurable STD, genital herpes.

For a while, GlaxoSmithKline, the makers of popular crowd-pleaser and herpes destroyer Valtrex were banking their ad campaign on the idea that people with Herpes can go wind surfing, mountain bike in the Mojave desert, paint a picture in a meadow in soft focus, and do all the things the rest of us who aren't spreading our legs for every hobo with a $5 bill do every day.

Novartis has obviously taken a different approach aimed at people who don't know that they contracted an incurable STD during that one-night stand with the lead singer from that Whitesnake cover band that played at their local tavern. I guess I am surprised that this segment of the population actually exists. I guess I look at my neck, where I frequently get razor burn, and I don't understand how you can confuse razor burn with Alabama Crotch Rot. Unless you're shaving every inch of your genitalia, which introduces a whole different set of problems entirely, you have no excuse for thinking that your itchy rash is due to shaving.

Next, I suppose that the makers of antibiotics that are used to treat syphillis and gonorrhea will have ads featuring a guy saying "I thought the firewater coming out of my dick was from all the orange juice I've been drinking. But now I'm not so sure. What else could it be?"

Thank God for the Energy Bill

Gas prices continue to flirt with record high levels again today. Some people are blaming the President for this, which is one way you could look at it. I won't argue with the fact that the President has done very little in terms of a real Energy Policy, unless you include felating the petroleum industry a policy. If giving out blow jobs to oil execs with an ice cube in your mouth is a policy, that makes foreign policy a whole hell of a lot more interesting and just about completely explains Condoleeza Rice.

But do you know who is really to blame for high gas prices, aside from the President? You and me. Americans. The reason gas companies are charging $2.30 for an average gallon of gas is not just because they're a bunch of greedy assholes, but also because we will pay it. If people stopped driving their cars or could not afford to, gas prices would decrease. We need to own up to this, because, pardon my English, Bush ain't gonna do shit about record high gas prices and record high profits for his buddies in the oil industry. You need to stop watching so many episodes of the Care Bears, if you think differently.

'Cause I'm A LIAR!

Future Stars of Perjury Collectors Card

What's that called, when you lie under oath to Congress about abusing steroids? Perjury, which is what is often described in the legal professional as illegal. I was surprised that Congress took a break from their vacation to address such an important issue. After all, 10 millions children have absent or inadequate health care coverage, US Soldiers are being killed for the future of Iraqi democracy, and Congress needs to spend time evaluating whether or not Palmeiro lied about taking steroids when he said "I did not take steroids, period." and then tested positive?

It doesn't take Deputy fucking Dog to crack this case. I'm not sure what a less ambiguous situation for perjury would be, aside from Canseco actually injecting Palmeiro in his ass while testifying in front of Congress that he's didn't use steroids.

Palmeiro is a liar and a cheat. If we put him the Baseball Hall of Fame, his statue should have a needle sticking out of its ass. How stupid is this guy? Baseball implements a new, albeit inadequate, steroid policy. You testify in front of Congress and it's covered live by ESPN. The next logical move is NOT to continue to use steroids. Seems like maybe a good time to take a break from that crap, eh? Not if you're the smartest man in baseball, I guess.

Guns 'N Ammo

Congress, you read this, is considering legislation that would prevent victims of gun violence from sueing gun manufacturers by granting the gun manufacturing industry liability protection. Surprisingly, this has become a bipartisan effort in the Senate, where even Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) is supporting the measure.

Let me make very clear that I am not a proponent of gun control. I have yet to come across a single suggested gun control policy that I feel would curb gun violence. Gun control advocates, in my opinion, have an incredibly simplistic view of the factors that lead to gun violence. Licensing guns, trigger locks, banning certain models of guns don't really solve the problem. Many guns are obtained through theft or illegal means, making any legislation difficult. If we've learned anything in our country's history, please let it be that banning things is never a good idea be it pornography, drugs, alcohol, or guns.

However, there is no safe middle ground in this debate. For on the other side of the issue, you have the National Rifle Association, probably the craziest of the powerful political lobbyists outside of the Right to Life folks who kill abortion doctors. With statements like "From my cold, dead hand" the NRA has managed to eliminate any hope of support from reasonable people.

The NRA views every legislative issue as a slippery slope, which is the "See Dick Run" of logical discourse. If you support the NRA, you seriously should consider steralization or at least surrendering your right to vote because you're either a complete moron or so incredibly self-absorbed that your political agenda continues to paint regular gun owners as a bunch a hillbilly mental ward patients.

The most depressing thing about S. 397 is that it creates a precedent where a manufacturer has no liability for the product they produce. Big tobacco tried this too. Because gun manufacturers are the origin of all these weapons, they are our only hope for progressive solutions to this problem. Giving them a free pass to avoid lawsuits, also provides no motivation or incentive for the gun manufacturers to self-regulate the products that they produce. Write your state Senator using the link in the right column, and share your opinion on this issue.

I'm PROUD to be in Nebraska!

That big building right over there is where pedophiles hang out.

If this story isn't national news by tomorrow, it will be the best thing ever to happen to Nebraska. It's hard enough living in the Cornhusker state. It's not THAT bad of a place to live. It's definitely not as bad as Utah, and so much better than either of the Dakotas.

And yet, some hillbilly has to go down to Kansas and marry a 13 year-old (whom he got pregnant). We're never going to live it down. EVER. We'll always be remembered as that state where 12 year-olds who got married in Kansas go after the fact to mate.

A thought for the day.....

No Oprah is Harpoon spelled backwards.

Scientology is a Cult

A few weeks ago, Tom Cruise sparked an instantaneous controversy while being interviewed by Matt Lauer. We've all known for a long time that Tom Cruise is about Scientology like Fiddler on the Roof is about Jews. In that interview with Lauer, Cruise made some controversial comments about post-partum depression, psychiatry, which he is assuredly quite familiar with, and the use of medication to treat chemical imbalances that lead to mental illness.

As far as Cruise's comments go, I can't say I give half a crap what the guy who starred in Top Gun thinks about the treatment of mental health problems. It's like asking Carrot Top for a neurology consultation. If people take him seriously, they're morons for not recognizing that having your ex-wife play a doctor in a NASCAR movie doesn't qualify you to provide medical advice.

Which brings me to this weekend. I was having a discussion with a group of people about Tom Cruise, some of whom were very upset at his comments, but one in particular was defending him. So, I made essentially the same statement of indifference that I did above, without the clever Carrot Top analogy. What followed was one of the most troubling discussions about religion that I have ever had.

The person who defended Tom Cruise, it turns out, was actually a Scientologist. I didn't know there were Scientologists in Omaha, NE. They must be meeting in someone's basement, because if you use the Church of Scientology Cult Locator on their website, there isn't one within 100 miles of Omaha, NE. Omaha is looking pretty good now isn't it?

In general, I try to keep an open mind about other people's religions, because generally, I learn something new as a result of that strategy. For example, I learned that Mormons believe that Jews, Africans and other people with dark skin are "bad souls", and thus, received a darker coloration from God. The Scientologist refused to have a civilized discussion, and hence, I learned very little.

I don't have a problem with anybody's religious beliefs. There are some religions that believe that people can rise from the dead, Jesus in particular, which I don't think is any more contentious than what Scientologists believe. If you're actually interested in what Scientologists believe and you don't want to buy the book you can get more info here.

My problem with Scientology is that it's essentially a racket. In order to be a good little Scientologist, you have to go to special Scientology psychotherapy, which they call auditing. Cost estimates vary considerably, but in order to get beyond peon status, you must spent between $300,000 and $500,000 on this auditing stuff. It makes it a great religion for Hollywood-types, since they can buy salvation, while still making statements like women who suffer from post-partum depression "need to get out and exercise."

I haven't seen War of the Worlds, but the last movie that I saw where Tom Cruise was worth a shit was Minority Report. Since then, regardless of his religious beliefs, he's really started to go downhill as an actor, but that's just my opinion. This latest case of verbal diarrhea was brilliant self-promotion and idiotic all at the same time.

Any religion that requires it's participants to pay for services connected with salvation, whether it's Scientology or Christianity, should be questioned. Support your church in any way and to whatever degree you wish, but if there are fees that are required for your participation, you're being had.

Back to the Ice

Patrick Roy, unfortunately, will not be joining the Colorado Avalanche this Fall when the NHL returns to the ice. The Owners and the NHLPA agreed to a new collective bargaining agreement (CBA). The Owners got their salary cap, just as they had wanted all along, and the players get to play hockey in the NHL again. An intense amount of the media coverage of the agreement, including this piece from Fox Sports, paints the picture that hockey fans are angry.

As a fan of the NHL, in general, and the Colorado Avalanche, in particular, I can tell you that I am never thrilled when economics and greed force a sport to miss all or part of a season. Some blame the owners and some the players, but they're all greedy bastards doing exactly what you and I would be doing if we had millions of dollars at stake. Anyone who denies that is so completely full of shit, that I would request that they come roll around on my lawn to fertilize it.

True hockey fans may have been disappointed or frustrated, but if you're a true hockey fan, and not just some bitchboy who plays NHL '96 for the Sega with the offsides turned off, you've been too busy preparing for the upcoming season to be angry at all.

The same Fox Sports article that I cited above also talks about one of my favorite things that non-hockey fans love to complain about with every last breath they can muster: how complicated the rules of hockey are. The reality of the situation is, however, that hockey rules are no more or less complicated than Golf, Baseball, or Football. Not every sport can be as fiendishly simplistic as NASCAR, and some of the best sports have some incredibly complicated rules. If you don't understand them, maybe you should just stick with WWE.

Karl Rove is in Big BIG Trouble

With the revelation over the weekend that Karl Rove, one of President Bush's key advisors, was the government official that leaked to the media the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame, the blogs are alive with the sound of music and people calling for Rove's head on a stick. I could join the fray, but I would really just be echoing the sentiments of those who have said it better. Check out America Blog or Daily Kos. Both offer particularly well-written accounts.

In the meantime, Move On PAC has yet another online petition to the Bush Administration, demanding that Rove be fired, if that's your opinion on the matter.

The situation with the Bush Administration gets more and more like Alice in Wonderland every day. The administration has someone publicly survived despite the realization that there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, despite that assertion being the entire justification behind an immediate invasion of that country. They're managed to blur the line between the War in Iraq and the War on Terror, despite the fact that Osama Bin Laden is still at large and the fact that we've provided motivation for Al Quida by attacking and occupying a sovereign Arab nation.

Despite this most recent revelation that one of the President's top advisors was to blame for the outing of CIA agent Valerie Plame, Republicans are predictably blaming the Democrats for playing politics. Do these people understand what Rove did? He jeopardized the life of a CIA agent and potentially destroyed any leads in the war on terror that she may have been working on, simply because her husband was one of the first people to reveal publicly that despite Bush's statements in the 2003 State of the Union address, Iraq never attempted to purchase enriched Uranium from Niger.

If I found out tomorrow that President Bush invaded North Korea because of links with Al Quida, I can't say that I would be surprised. Or Syria. Or Iran. Or {insert name of country here}. I need a beer.

Great Article on the State of US Homeland Security

We've been discussing since the inception of this blog just before the 2004 Presidential Elections about how woefully inadequate and unresponsive US Homeland Security truly is. This article lays out how we can beef up our public transit systems to avoid an event like the one in London. It's a great article because it's offering solutions, rather than just bitching about the piss poor job the administration is doing with Homeland Secuirty.

Complaining about President Bush, as I have a tendency to do, does not make us safer against terrorist attacks. The sort of constructive dialogue presented in that article, on the other hand, absolutely does. Check it out, and then craft a letter to your Congressman to let him or her know that this is what we want, and that we shouldn't simply react to terrorist events as we have thus far.

If you're not interested in promoting actual Homeland Security, then perhaps this website is where you should be spending your time.

Terror in London

Terrorists struck again today, this time in London. Click here for the latest news. It's another sad day for the world, but the reaction to this really got me thinking. Bombings like this by insurgents against US troops and law-abiding Iraqi citizens has become commonplace, and yet we're ten times more horrified when it happens somewhere we don't expect, as if people in London's lives are somehow more valuable than those of our troops or the Iraqis.

The turn of events in London is beyond horrific. An interesting sidenote to the entire situation has been President Bush's statement. He's obviously remorseful and saddened, as we all are. Based on his statements, however, he obviously thinks that there is some aspect of homeland security that would prevent the same thing from happening in Miami or Houston or Los Angeles or Seattle. And in reality, there is not.

I challenge anyone to come up with a policy or mechanism currently in place or even theoretical that could be used to prevent this sort of thing from happening. I think it would make for an interesting discussion, since this whole issue of Homeland Security is once again being thrust to the forefront, as the President continues to contend that we are safe, when we are obviously not. Bush's hubris in his own policies will certainly guarantee that this sort of tragedy could happen in any American city with mass transit. I'd be interested to hear your comments on the state of "Homeland Security".

Interesting Comments

If you read the comments below the Letter to the Red States post below, you see an interesting example of why the Democrats are not the dominant political force that they once were. If you talk to Republicans, there exists a party loyalty that you just don't get from Democrats. You definitely don't get this "Puppy who lost his way" "Why did we put Dean in charge" "Woe is me" sort of response. Democrats are definitely in need of some direction, and this midget and his website accept no responsibility in giving the party that direction. The last time I led a group of people anywhere, we ended up at a Riverboat Casino in Iowa drinking Bud heavy and playing nickel slots.

When people ask what happened to the Democrats, I think the answer is that we were so sure of ourselves and our party going into the 2004 Elections that when we lost, we were dumbfounded. When you believe deeply that the majority of Americans are levelheaded and intelligent consumers of information, and then you have them turn out in record numbers to prove you wrong, it takes time to get your breath back.

Happy 4th of July, just by the way. It's always a little bittersweet for me on the 4th. I love my country, but I am disgusted with all these psuedo-patriotic numbnuts that sing along with Lee "I've never served a day in my life for this country" Greenwood every year. If raping your cousin were popular, Lee Greenwood would write a song "And I'd gladly put my dick in her mouth, and pee on her today. 'Cause there ain't no doubt, I love this bitch. God Bless my cousin Mae."

In order to really have pride in what it means to be American, you have to have a full understanding of the rights and wrongs of our country. We've said many times before that this child-like infantuation with our country is useless, and not really that patriotic. Patriotism is loving your country, while realizing that it ain't perfect. True patriots are people who question the governments actions, instead of blindly saluting every time someone stands in front of a flag.