My eyeballs just got raped

Click here to have your eyeballs fucked. And not in a nice, loving way, but in a prison-gang-rape way.

Is there any wonder why the film industry is shot to shit? And is there any wonder why children are as messed up as they are when things like this pass for 'family entertainment?'

Ryan the Angry Midget HOLIDAY LIGHTS SPECTACULAR

The residents of this house ironically lead very dark lives

It's time for the Holidays again. Yes, Mr. O'Reilly, the Holidays, plural. You see Christmas is not the only holiday that occurs between Thanksgiving and New Years. It won't keep Bill O'Reilly from throwing a fit about stores and businesses that are sensitive to this fact. Just because Bill O'Reilly is an anti-semite, doestn't mean the rest of America has to follow suit. As an aside and before we begin the Holiday Lights Spectacular, O'Reilly finally listed his enemies list on his website. He only managed to come up with three (3) sources on the entire internet that "traffic in defamation", as he puts it. He does not, unfortunately, list his own website as one of the three.

Enough with that cranky blowhard! It's the Holidays. So let's check out some lights!

This is a pretty simplistic and representative example of what Christmas decorations are like in the suburbs. Icicle lights were cool, back in like 1972. I have to give them credit for not overdoing things too much. As you will soon see, there are a lot of jackasses out there with more money to pay electrical bills and buy gawdy decorations than common sense.


I see crap like this all over the place. Some of them are even animated to make it look like the damn things are eating. As if these satanic reindeer spawn aren't scary enough on their own. I hear there's a guy in Alabama who makes pigs like this too, but we won't talk about this since it's a family webpage.

Did I just take acid? Either these people own the power plant outside of town or no one has told them that the number of lights you have on display outside your house has nothing to do with intelligence or the size of your penis. Next year why don't you just add a giant frosty the snowman giving birth to baby Jesus, since that's the only thing I can see that's missing from this suburban atrocity. This guy's neighbors probably wish they lived across the street from Morman drug dealers instead of his phony ass during the holidays.

Now, this display is pretty damned cool. Spelling Happy Hanukkah in lights inside a bunch of dradles is top shelf. If I were Jewish, I would get a similar display to display at my house that said FUCK YOU BILL O'REILLY YOU GIANT ANTI-SEMITE DOUCHEBAG with a giant Star of David at the end. If you know where I can pick something like this up, please let me know.

Was it SO bad???

America...Synonymous with entrepreneurialism and the opportunity to follow your dream to financial freedom, right? Well, apparently not in Florida. It seems that some individuals tried to put a new spin on tailgating, a pastime that most of us who are football fans have enjoyed at one time or another, and The Man slapped them down. According to a newspaper account, Tampa Gestapo officers...errr, I mean police... arrested a group people trying to pursue the "American Dream" on Sunday outside Raymond James Stadium before the Bucs-Bears game. Allegedly these individuals were operating a mobile strip club in the parking lot. Undercover officers found several bouncers and dancers inside a jet-black, 40-foot-long 1987 motor home. Alcohol was being sold inside and lap dances being conducted at $20 if the woman was topless and $40 if she was nude (I guess that really is "tail" gating).

Is that bad? Bad enough to get get arrested (those involved were, by the way) Well, it's certainly stupid, because I bet the market would bear a much higher price than $40 for a naked lap dance. Maybe they were just under-valuing services through the "start-up" phase of the new business. They were selling "alcohol", although we have no information regarding for how much. Maybe that's what made it bad...because we all know that it's reprehensible to collect money for alcohol without getting permission and giving some of it back to the local government.

But, how about morally speaking. Some would say THAT'S why it was bad. But, was the whole thing SO bad? Let's compare it to another activity that takes place at football stadiums: Namely, ticket scalping. I've participated in "scalping" transactions that left me feeling like I'd been bent over and had my protstate examined by a non-professional medical person. Sort of in the same genre as a $40 naked lap dance, don't you think? However, it's much more expensive and much less pleasant. However, it seems that for years I have seen ticket scalping occuring at stadium entrances overtly and apparently almost unabated, despite laws against it. I think one could argue that both the lap dancing and the ticket scalping involve people exchanging money, during their leisure time, for a form of entertainment. Yet, one is almost an institution and the other gets the slap-down put on it. Officers confiscated $2,000 from the enterprising adult entertainers. $2000???? I've heard of scalpers getting more than that for 1 pair of tickets to popular concerts. $2000 is baby shit. I think the last time I went to an establishment where you could get lap dances, a group of 4 or 5 of must have spent close to $2000...And those lap dancers weren't naked!!! I exaggerate, of course, but still, $2000 seems like a pretty small-time operation.


But wait...Isn't Tampa where they caught the two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders having allegedly having sex? (one of whom has a really big nose) Is this creative form of tailgating SO bad compared to that?


Maybe this latest bust was part of some new NFL "no tolerance" policy relating to sex and football. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

In related news, Minnesota Vikings players, distraught over the fact that they played the Bucs in Minnesota this year, have apparently begun circulating a petition among the team asking the owner to relocate to the Tampa area or at least to arrange to play both Carolina and Tampa Bay on the road next season.

Catholics are the World's Foremost Authorities on Science and Medicine

This man is not a physician.

I was raised Catholic. I was married in the Catholic Church. Despite many attempts to reconcile my personal beliefs with my Catholic upbringing, I haven't reached a point where I can go to church for a very long time. Abortion has always been a tough issue for me. I don't believe I would tell a woman to have an abortion, but I don't think it's my place to tell a woman, particularly a woman I have never had sex with, what medical procedure she should or should not undergo. The Church tells me I'm evil because I support a women's right to choose.

The attitude that a group of people somehow thinks they know what's best for everyone else is the major problem I have with religion. I have no problem with people who have religious beliefs, and I personally think you can believe whatever the hell you want, except Scientology, because we all know that it's a complete lie, invented by a guy who wanted to make lots and lots of money. The problems begin when you get together on a local, state or federal level, and start trying to legislate those beliefs on everyone else.

Right now in Missouri, the Catholic Churches are urging their members to oppose a petition drive that would protect existing stem cell research. Nevermind that there may be some guy with Alzheimer's in Missouri, who is an athiest, and needs treatment that only stem cell transplants and research can offer him. Forgetful in Missouri doesn't believe in God, so why should he have to live by your God's laws?

This is not a phenomenon that is limited to the Catholic Church. It's just what I'm intimately familiar with, given my own experience in life. During the 2004 Presidential Election, I red an actual Catholic Church action statement supporting President Bush because he was PRO LIFE! Nevermind over 100 executions while Governor of Texas or the Iraqi quagmire that looms large as the President's popularity falls and US soldiers continue to die.

You see, it's rarely as simple as "This candidate supports life, and this guy supports killing babies." If you voted for President Bush because he was Pro Life, you've been had. If you oppose stem cell research because of "respect for life" or because your church told you to, then don't participate in the treatments or medical breakthroughs that may eventually occur as a result of it. Your moral objection to something, whether it's stem cell research or John Kerry, might kill a human being. But at least you can sleep at night....

THANKSGIVING IS SO FUCKING COOL

Eat ME!

I had some requests today to post a link to last year's Happy Thanksgiving post regarding the injustice that is Tofurkey. As you will soon agree, Thanksgiving is one of the greatest holidays we celebrate in this country. Also, Happy Birthday to CowboyLaw, who is probably celebrating as I write this with his annual coke and whores fandango.

Thanksgiving kicks ass for a lot of reasons, and I will outline a few for you right now:

1) Not a religious holiday - I have nothing against religious holidays. But Thanksgiving is a holiday for everyone, except Jehova's Witnesses. I am not sure what Jehova did or why all these people were there to see it, but apparently, it was something that ruined every holiday for all of eternity. Like when you see Mommy kissing Santa Claus while your Dad is passed out on the front lawn. I guess some vegans and animal rights activists probably hate Thanksgiving as well, but they can go fuck themselves.

2) 3 day work week/4 day weekend - Most of us are lucky enough to only have 3 days of work this week. Those of us who aren't lucky enough, need to find a better job with more vacation. This is the one week a year, Americans get to appreciate what it would be like to hold a full-time job in France. Whatever lazy pilgrim decided that Thanksgiving would ALWAYS be on Thursday is Ok in my book. Too bad Jesus and George Washington (or whomever decided what day the 4th of July should fall on) couldn't have taken a hint from that guy.

3) Gluttony - There are 7 deadly sins, and most of the major holidays give us a chance to celebrate each one. Christmas is about Greed or Envy. 4th of July is about Pride. Valentines Day is about Lust. Thanksgiving gives us a chance to celebrate my favorite deadly sin by gorging our faces with 800,000 calories and winding up watching Happy Thanksgiving Charlie Brown with a decent beer buzz.

4) Turducken - In a touching tribute to People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), Turducken offers a way to consume 3 different animals in one dish. Aside from deep fat frying a turkey in your driveway, it doesn't get much better than this.

5) Day After Thanksgiving Shopping - Don't get me wrong, I hate going shopping on Thursday nights when all the assholes are at home watching Survivor or Lost or another show that highlights our obsession with people getting stranded out in the middle of fucking nowhere. What I enjoy about Day After Thanksgiving Shopping is watching how mild-mannered people will kick the living shit out of each other for a $25 mp3 player that won't even be working this time next year. I'll be at Best Buy on Friday morning with a lawnchair and a beer, ready to see a couple complete retards fight it out over a Garth Brooks box set.

As you can see, the reasons to enjoy Thanksgiving are as plentiful as the number of skanks that I have met in my life. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Why did you lie Uncle Dick?

Americablog posted a stellar analysis of the many lies of VP Dick Cheney regarding Iraq, the War, Al Qaeda etc. etc. etc. Check it out here. Enjoy.

Record Companies Don't Get It

The pointless battle against music piracy continues to get more pointless and annoying. Media giant Sony BMG recently implemented software on some of their albums that attempted to limit the number of times that an individual CD could be copied. Sounds simple enough, except that the "security" software in question leaves huge security holes in users' computers and can be circumvented with a piece of scotch tape. Lawsuits and general internet pandemonium ensue.

The people that run the major record companies in the US are not exactly known for creative, forward-thinking solutions to the problems they face. All the truly innovative technological advances in how we obtain and listen to music have come from companies outside the music industry, such as Apple and Napster. Record companies continue to beat a dead horse, by sticking to the same technology (CDs) and delivery model (you go to store to pay $15 for a new CD, most of which completely sucks).

This model has been incredibly profitable for record companies, which is why they've been so slow to abandon it. Record companies and their trade association, the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA), continue to cling to the same 1984 delivery model, while people are swapping music, ripping CDs, and podcasting all around them. Despite the public relations nightmare that is Sony BMG's latest attempt to preserve elderly technology, the RIAA released a statement in support of Sony BMG's efforts, nevermind the fact that Sony BMG's technology compromised the security of thousands of people's personal computers.

RIAA has been quick to blame consumers and technology, but it's not the responsibility of the consumer to stand by and wait for the recording industry to accept that they've been left behind. I shouldn't make blanket statements about the recording industry, as many within that umbrella continue to develop cutting edge products and ways to market their music with new technology. However, this recent development sends a clear message to companies that think they will be able to control their product with a nearly 30 year-old delivery model: RIP motherfuckers.

Wish me luck!

As I type this, I'm about to leave work to go stand in line at Best Buy to try to get one of these at midnight:


Worst part about it is, I have to work tomorrow, and it's gonna be KILLING me to have that sitting at home, waiting for me. Fortunately, thanks to a link posted by Kotaku, I know how many systems this particular store is getting, so I'll know when I get there if I'm getting one or not. The link has since been taken down, due to legal threats by Best Buy, so I assume that they had the right allocations posted.

Mmmm. High-definition gaming. I'll be back tomorrow with an update, for the two of you who care...

What time is it?

I work in the retail DVD industry, and I just received this sell sheet in the mail today from AD Vision:


Now, I don't know about you, but in my mind, there's only one way to pronounce that name. I've seen some weird stuff in this industry (and I don't even get to buy porn) ... but this takes the fuccon cake.

Apparently, this Japanese show is a sit-com starring ... wait for it .... mannequins. I'm a big fan of Asian cinema, but I'll be the first to admit that I don't get a lot of their culture. I'm still trying to get my mind around Katamari Damacy, for Christ's sake. However, I'll try to withhold final judgment on this show until I get a screening copy. Stay tuned...

CowboyLaw Checks his Email

With apologies to those who thought of this earlier and do a better job of it, The Angry Midget Blog hereby presents CowboyLaw checks his email.

Email 1

Subject: CONGRADULATIONS YOU ARE A LUCKY WINNER
Sender: UK Lottery (notification_promo@hotmail.com)

My first email is from the “UK Lottery.” The “UK Lottery” tell me that “We are happily announce to you the draw (#994) of the UK NATIONAL LOTTERY….” You would think that English people would be better at english. But that’s another issue. The email goes on to tell me that the big prize “is yet to be unclaimed and you are getting the final NOTIFICATION as regards this.” At first, I thought this was another typo, but now I think it may be the author’s attempt at dark humor: it’s literally true---the prize is not “unclaimed.” The email also notes that “Our European agent will immediately commence the process to facilitate the release of your funds as soon as you contact him.” Okay, I’m ready to contact your European agent. What’s his contact information? “Mr Luis Santiago, Phone number: +447031917254, Fax number: +447092867268, Official Email: uk_fiduciaryagentofficer@hotmail.com” Okay, now I have a question: why is the British national lottery’s official email address a HotMail account? I know Microsoft is taking over the world, but this seems a bit silly. Maybe in a follow-up blog post, I’ll call Mr. Santiago and find out what he wants from me. My suspicion is that he merely wants my bank routing number so he can wire funds to my account.

Email 2

Subject: Where are you?
Sender: Ralph Myers (daeumlingbrgd@avitron.de)

Yes, this is one of those emails that attempts to trick you with an ambiguous subject line. I get these all the time: “Why don’t you respond to my email?” “I saw you the other day” “I know it’s been a long time” “We’re suspending your account for fraud” “Your mom is sick” “Your mom is in the hospital” “Please come visit your mom during her final days” “Your mom’s funeral is Saturday”. I mean, really, I’ve seen them all. Also, I don’t know many Dutch guys (P.S.: the one Dutch guy I do know is a former World’s Strongest Man contender. Ironic, no?). Once Ralphy lures me into his email, he gets straight to the point: “Are you readyy for nastyy hoousewivves?” Apparently, Dutch people like to use a lot of unnecessary consonants, vowels, and sometimes-vowels (by the way, WTF is up with Y anyway? Pick a side, Y! No more namby-pamby, Swiss-style neutrality). Ralphy’s website, http://www.tejaxorery.com, is…..actually not that bad. But it seems to be named after some combination of Tijuana and taxidermy, and that can’t help but be a bad thing. Think with me here….Tijuana…. . taxidermy….. Tijuana……taxidermy….. It’s enough to give me the jibblies.

Email 3

Subject: Microcaps can equal Mega gains
Sender: Cornelius A. Castaneda (c.acastanedacf@lycos.com)

This email did answer a burning question I’ve had for awhile: does anyone still use Lycos? Also: does anyone still name their child Cornelius? Anywho, Corny wants me to buy a lot of shares of HLV Trading, Inc. Corny tells me that, as of the day of his email (November 15) HLV Trading is selling for $0.028, and that Corny’s company, Tip Top Trading (I’m not making this up) projects a “2 - 3 Day Target Price” of $0.055. Wow! 5 and a half whole cents a share! Today (Nov. 15) 323,000 shares of HLVC were traded. If I bought as many shares as were traded today, and the stock performed as Tip Top Corny said it would, then in 2 or 3 days, I could sell that boatload of shares a realize a profit (before trading commissions) of $9,690. Assuming I could find anyone interested in buying 323,000 shares of Donkey Dung Trading Ponji Scheme, Inc. I think when Corny said that Microcaps can equal Mega gains, he was mostly thinking of his gains when he sells me his shares of Mom’s Basement Fictional Trading Enterprise, LLC. Stay tuned for updates regarding the performance of Running Cadillac Stock Brokerage and Pimpery, LLP.

Bill O'Reilly Update

An update on the situation with O'Reilly. Apparently, because of the substantial negative response to his comments regarding his indifference towards Al Qaeda attacks on San Francisco that we discussed in the last post, O'Reilly has been getting a lot of heat. His newest strategy to deflect blame for his comments is to post an enemies list on his website that lists websites or individuals that have criticized his stance on the issue. As of this minute, no such list exists on his website, but when I does, I will update this post.

Bill O'Reilly

Giant Douche

Punditry is inherently annoying and shallow. Regardless of the political tilt, punditry reduces even the most complex and challenging political issues to the level of See Dick Run. In the struggle to create polarization, television talkshow hosts, radio personalities and internet amatuer political analysts create the information equivalent of recycled dog shit at the expense of political dialogue.

Last Tuesday, Bill O'Reilly demonstrated on his penchant for insensitivity and oversimplification of complex issues by stating that because San Francisco recently passed a law prohibiting military recruiting in local schools, that San Francisco should cease to receive the support of the military and should also be the target of terrorist attacks. If you want to draw your own conclusions about his comments, the transcripts and audio are available here.

O'Reilly's remarks were controversial and he has the right to say anything he would like. However, the reality about Bill O'Reilly is that his remarks have temporarily brought him back to the forefront, but due to a focus on shock and awe instead of quality and content, O'Reilly's popularity has been waning significantly. In a recent poll, The O'Reilly Factor on Fox was not included in a list of the Top 100 Talk Shows on TV based on ratings (some examples of shows that were included: Arsenio, Ricki Lake, ALF's Hit Talk Show).

The fact is that O'Reilly's popularity is decreasing among the general public because it's no longer edgy and shocking, but the same cranky bastard recycling the same antithetic viewpoints every night. O'Reilly's remarks about San Francisco were a little boy's cry for attention, and the media and even this website have obliged him. The O'Reilly Factor may hang around and O'Reilly may keep writing books, but that fact alone does not make him correct or worthy of our consideration.

France France Revolution

Sales of the Pontiac Firebird have been hot in France

As the flames turn to embers in the outskirts of Paris, the overanalysis is already beginning as to how such civil unrest can occur in an otherwise civilized country. Conservatives, wanting to avoid discussions about ethics and CIA leaks and torture, have turned to blaming "liberal French politics" for the riots. Mona Charen tries to make the case that: "American liberals are equivalent to European socialists. And French socialists have set the table for the current crisis."

A pretty huge conceptual jump, in my opinion, but I'll bite. The assertion that liberal philsophies and policies are to blame for France's economic situation is a highly simplistic viewpoint of the situation. It's akin to blaming United Airlines for one of their planes flying into the World Trade Center on 9/11, which is similarly asinine. The economic situation in France has no doubt been affected by some ridiculous government policies, including one which is designed to protect employment by making it incredibly difficult to fire people, but has only decreased utilization of temporary labor.

To say that such policies are the only factor at work in the situation ignores France's long-term issues with their economy, which stretch from long before the age of Jacques Chirac. Unemployment in France has ranged between 15 - 25% over the past 10 years. Anyone trying to link such trends to liberal philsophies should only look as far as our own recent recession during the Bush Presidency and with Republicans at the helm in Congress. Obviously conservative philosophies aren't exactly a solution for unemployment as emperically proven here in the US since 2000.

Sadly, instead of making an effort to understand what happened in France so that perhaps we can help to prevent future rioting, pundits want to place blame across political lines as if their gross oversimplification somehow justifies their viewpoint. And we wonder why there isn't a contstructive political dialogue in this country...

Veterans' Day Tribute

Where's President Bush?

First, thanks to everyone for visiting the site. Feel free to post comments until your fingers fall off. I am compiling some classic hate mail to share with you sometime at the end of this week or weekend. It shows how people who voted for Bush should surrender their right to bear children.

Tomorrow is Veterans' Day here in the states. Listed below are some of our political leaders and their military service. Thanks to ER for sending this to me.

Democrats:
* Richard Gephardt: Air National Guard, 1965-71.
* David Bonior: Staff Sgt., Air Force 1968-72.
* Tom Daschle: 1st Lt., Air Force SAC 1969-72.
* Don L "Sky Cop" Overstreet 1st Lt Servced in the Air Force 1954 -58
* Al Gore: enlisted Aug. 1969; sent to Vietnam Jan. 1971 as an army journalist in 20th Engineer Brigade.
* Bob Kerrey: Lt. j.g. Navy 1966-69; Medal of Honor, Vietnam.
* Daniel Inouye: Army 1943-47; Medal of Honor, WWII.
* John Kerry: Lt., Navy 1966-70; Silver Star, Bronze Star with Combat V, Purple Hearts.
* Charles Rangel: Staff Sgt., Army 1948-52; Bronze Star, Korea.
* Max Cleland: Captain, Army 1965-68; Silver Star & Bronze Star, Vietnam.
* Ted Kennedy: Army, 1951-53.
* Tom Harkin: Lt., Navy, 1962-67; Naval Reserve, 1968-74.
* Jack Reed: Army Ranger, 1971-1979; Captain, Army Reserve 1979-91.
* Fritz Hollings: Army officer in WWII; Bronze Star and seven campaign ribbons.
* Leonard Boswell: Lt. Col., Army 1956-76; Vietnam, DFCs, Bronze Stars, and Soldier's Medal.
* Pete Peterson: Air Force Captain, POW. Purple Heart, Silver Star and Legion of Merit.
* Mike Thompson: Staff sergeant, 173rd Airborne, Purple Heart.
* Bill McBride: Candidate for Fla. Governor. Marine in Vietnam; Bronze Star with Combat V.
* Gray Davis: Army Captain in Vietnam, Bronze Star.
* Pete Stark: Air Force 1955-57
* Chuck Robb: Vietnam
* Howell Heflin: Silver Star
* George McGovern: Silver Star & DFC during WWII.
* Bill Clinton: Did not serve. Student deferments. Entered draft but received #311.
* Jimmy Carter: Seven years in the Navy.
* Walter Mondale: Army 1951-1953
* John Glenn: WWII and Korea; six DFCs and Air Medal with 18 Clusters.
* Tom Lantos: Served in Hungarian underground in WWII. Saved by Raoul Wallenberg.

Republicans -- and these are the guys sending people to war:
* Dick Cheney: did not serve. Several deferments, the last by marriage.
* Dennis Hastert: did not serve.
* Tom Delay: did not serve.
* Roy Blunt: did not serve.
* Bill Frist: did not serve.
* Mitch McConnell: did not serve.
* Rick Santorum: did not serve.
* Trent Lott: did not serve.
* John Ashcroft: did not serve. Seven deferments to teach business.
* Jeb Bush: did not serve.
* Karl Rove: did not serve.
* Saxby Chambliss: did not serve. "Bad knee." The man who attacked Max Cleland's patriotism.
* Paul Wolfowitz: did not serve.
* Vin Weber: did not serve.
* Richard Perle: did not serve.
* Douglas Feith: did not serve.
* Eliot Abrams: did not serve.
* Richard Shelby: did not serve.
* Tim Hutchison: did not serve.
* Christopher Cox: did not serve.
* Newt Gingrich: did not serve.
* Don Rumsfeld: served in Navy (1954-57) as flight instructor.
* George W. Bush: failed to complete his six-year National Guard; got assigned to Alabama so he could campaign for family friend running for U.S. Senate; failed to show up for required medical exam, disappeared from duty.
* Ronald Reagan: due to poor eyesight, served in a non-combat role making movies.
* B-1 Bob Dornan: Consciously enlisted after fighting was over in Korea.
* Phil Gramm: did not serve.
* John McCain: Silver Star, Bronze Star, Legion of Merit, Purple Heart and Distinguished Flying Cross.
* Dana Rohrabacher: did not serve.
* John M. McHugh: did not serve.
* JC Watts: did not serve.
* Jack Kemp: did not serve. "Knee problem," although continued in NFL for 8 yrs.
* Dan Quayle: Journalism unit of the Indiana National Guard.
* Rudy Giuliani: did not serve.
* George Pataki: did not serve.
* Spencer Abraham: did not serve.
* John Engler: did not serve.
* Lindsey Graham: National Guard lawyer.
* Arnold Schwarzenegger: AWOL from Austrian army base.

Pundits & Preachers
* Sean Hannity: did not serve.
* Rush Limbaugh: did not serve (4-F with a 'pilonidal cyst.')
* Bill O'Reilly: did not serve.
* Michael Savage: did not serve.
* George Will: did not serve.
* Chris Matthews: did not serve.
* Paul Gigot: did not serve.
* Bill Bennett: did not serve.
* Pat Buchanan: did not serve.
* John Wayne: did not serve.
* Bill Kristol: did not serve
* Kenneth Starr: did not serve.
* Antonin Scalia: did not serve.
* Clarence Thomas: did not serve.
* Ralph Reed: did not serve.
* Michael Medved: did not serve.
* Charlie Daniels: did not serve.
* Ted Nugent: did not serve. (He only shoots at things that don't shoot back.)

Let the Fight Begin!

A recent study found that some of our nation's most savvy investors are United States Senators. Now, I've always been of the opinion that United States Senators are some of the more intelligent citizens of this here nation, but I've never considered them to be particulars astute investors. So, needless to say, I was more than a bit surprised by the results of the study.

Now, there are two ways one can interpret the results of this study. First (and more patriotic), one could surmise that Senators, who are usually briefed daily on the current status of this nation and the world in general, simply know more about the current events that influence stock prices, and therefore gain their performance advantage fairly. Bush administration officials, please note: I have advanced an innocent explanation for this. Please don't put me on your enemies list. Second (and lest patriotic), one could surmise that Senators, who are in daily contact with the members of the capitalist uber-class, including CEOs and directors who are (1) in possession of insider information and (2) interested in gaining favor with people like United States Senators, are privy to information that the rest of us don't have, and are leveraging this information to make themselves a boatload of cash.

I'm interested in hearing your reactions, which will either prove that (1) I'm a cynical SOB who believes the worst about people, or (2) that I'm a realist in a world that makes cynics of us all through bitter experience.

Kansas Gives Evolution Thumbs Down (without questioning how they got thumbs in the first place)

Charles Darwin is totally pissed off at Kansas.

I have plenty of good friends who are religious, despite the fact that I tend not to be. Most of them are incredibly intelligent and reasonable individuals. Most of them, believe me I've asked, don't feel that their particular religion should be taught in public schools. If only they were members of the Kansas State Board of Education, who voted today to change science curriculum to shed doubt on Darwin's Theory of Evolution. As you can see from the picture above, Charles Darwin is very unhappy about this development, or would be, I suppose if he weren't buried in a church in England. Yes, Charles Darwin is buried in a church. Not all religious folks feel that science is a threat to their religious beliefs, only those who weren't properly educated in science.

Kansas has taken a step today to ensure that it's students will be shortchanged during their science education. Call it whatever you want, but Intelligent Design is just a fancy name for Creationism, and there is no science to back up it's claims. If you think differently, I would LOVE to post that research on this site.

If you believe in God, Intelligent Design is actually kind of an ironic insult. If scientific evolution is actually God's complex method of creating the planet and all the things that live on it, how pissed off do you think he is that his followers are trying to keep people from learning about it. Despite what you may have heard, there is not a single facet of Darwinian Evolution that contradicts what is written in the Bible. But, don't tell that to people in Kansas.

How to Win the Supreme Court Debate

Okay, the Midget has invited me to contribute to his Blog, and I feel obligated to do so. I suspect that many of you are, like me, compelled to interact on a daily basis with people whose sole source of news is Rush Limbaugh and/or Fox News. As someone whose sole source of news is The Daily Show and this Blog, I find myself rendered speechless by the things people seem to believe. The problem with being a liberal is that, often, our views are hard to express in a single, 15-second soundbite. This is seldom a problem for Republicans. Thus, in order for us to survive the breathtaking simplicity of their arguments (a simplicity that is only enhanced by the inaccuracies contained therein), we sometimes need simple talking points to extricate ourselves. A trump card, if you will, that allows us to silence the Dittoheads whose yammering is the cause of so many liberal Execedrin(tm) headaches. And so, herewith, your talking points for winning the Supreme Court Debate.

In order to win the Supreme Court debate with any Republican, you need only remember two words: Richard Posner. Posner is a judge in the 7th Circuit Court of Appeals, and was the chief judge of that circuit for 7 years. Widely regarded as a brilliant jurist, Posner has been called one of the most influential judges in the last 20 years. No one has ever accused Posner of being an "activist" judge. And Posner's writings on the relationship between economics and law would comfort most big businesses. And yet, 2 generations of Bushes have passed over Posner in favor of, in order, the brilliant Clarence Thomas; John Roberts; Harriet Miers; and now Sam Alito.

Any rational person would ask "Why, in the name of your Protestant Born-Again God, have you not given this man a chance?" And the answer is both simple and telling. Posner is Pro-Choice, and he's an atheist. Now, Bush II said he wouldn't use abortion as a "litmus test" for judicial, nominees, and Bush II never lies, so we must assume that had nothing to do with Posner not being nominated. And the Constitution, which both Bushes are such fans of, mandates a separation of church and state, so Posner's atheism can't have anything to do with it. So, if what we really want here is the best qualified person for the job, why has Bush II not nominated Posner?

If you can find a Republican who can answer that question, let me know. I'd like to meet them.

Let me entertain you?

Because he said he wanted to change up his blog with some new blood, and because he knew I'd probably never follow through on my continual musings about starting a blog of my own, Ryan graciously extended me an invitation to have access to his site, so I can add my humble thoughts to the crazed meanderings of The Angry Midget and the sharp, witty repartee of Mister Bling. I'm deeply honored to be allowed into their hallowed prosaic domain. Perhaps sometimes I can provide a different perspective. Perhaps sometimes I can even come up with some original and interesting things myself. Mostly, I just hope that I can occasionally make the regular of the site think a little or smile a little. I look forward to sharing, and I promise that my future postings will be less mundane than this one...Leptodactylous (and as you can see from the photo, I really am...)

I wish I saw more of these on the road...

I'm getting tired of all the yellow ribbon magnets on cars, that weren't even made here in this country. Empty gestures do not support our troops. Don't just buy a magnet (in some weak attempt to 'belong' to a group). Try actually doing something that supports our troops. Does your neighbor (or coworker) have a son or daughter serving? Send them a care package. Make a donation to the USO. And for God's sake, take that magnet off of your vehicle. Yeah, I know. You support our troops. So does 99.99 percent of this nation. You're not special, and you don't belong to some group.




That's right, it isn't free. It costs $1.05 And that magnet was $4.99. Do the math.

Blogs that make me fall asleep

For those of you who haven't tried it, clicking on the icon on the banner at the top of the website that says "Next Blog" will randomly link you to another blog that has recently been updated. The consequences of doing so range from interesting to downright masochistic. Out of curiousity every now and again, I will click on the "Next Blog" link to see what sorts of things other people are writing (bitching) about.

As some of you may know and other may find it hard to believe, I enjoy reading other sites, particularly if the writer(s) of those sites have opinions that may differ significantly from mine. That's how that whole World Debate fiasco got started in the first place. In my search to understand the other side, today was not unlike any other day, until I came across this blog.

The basic premise is that the site is incredibly boring, even predictable. As I read through the site, I was overwhelmed by cliche after cliche. I couldn't have made some of this shit up if I were John-fucking-Mayer. He's a self-proclaimed neo-conservative. His hobbies include poker (which last time I checked was EVERYONE'S hobby that didn't have a real hobby before ESPN started broadcasting Texas Hold'em every God damned night) and listening to the band Phish.

I'll be honest that this intrigued me a little bit. A Republican who likes Phish. It's almost good enough that Fox would build an animated Sit-com around the idea. Don't worry, that is absolutely the only interesting thing about this guy. If you continue down through his profile, you'll get the idea.

As an aside, listing Catcher in the Rye or something by Ayn Rand (Fountainhead, in this case) as some of your favorite books does not make you an intellectual. Everyone loves Catcher in the Rye just as much as everyone who listens to shitty music likes to listen to Phish, and how every Tom, Dick and Gary likes to play Texas Hold'em all of the sudden in the last 6 months. Catcher in the Rye is a good book, but also probably the number one sign of a person who hasn't read a book since high school English, when we ALL had to read Catcher in the Rye. The only thing missing here is that his favorite movie wasn't Good Will Hunting (although one them was Pulp Fiction, which is also EVERYONE's favorite movie of all time, except me, I like The Grudge with Sarah Michelle Gellar).

As you can tell, I was getting a little fired up after reading this, so I went to this post on his website and posted the following comment: (Check back to his site to see if he responds)

Wow. Such an original concept. A blog supporting President Bush. I've never seen anything like it.

Do you see the irony in claiming that you will write what you want to write, and then telling Aaron not to excercise his freedom of speech?
Then again, if you admire the President, you're probably one of those people who agrees with the 1st Amendment only for white, Christian, conservatives who won't say things that you find offensive.

The sad thing is that you're probably a really intelligent and interesting guy who has a lot to say, but instead you're going to spend all your time and creative energy writing a blog about how much you'd like to make out with President Bush.

Ryan the Angry Midget is 1 Year Old

The barnyard animals were invited so that Ryan could eat them.

Before you send me ten emails about how a 12 month old has such and extensive vocabulary of profanity, I'm not really just a year old no matter how my picture looks under my profile. The website, on the other hand is one year old. It's hard to believe that we've been at this an entire year. For some of you, it probably seems like longer than that. The inaugural post at 1:51 pm on Monday November 1st 2004 was written the day before the 2004 Presidential Elections, in which President Bush would defeat John Kerry. The rest is history.

In a recent post I asked you to vote for your favorite post of the past year. Two posts, in particular received the most votes by a long shot. Adventures in Babysitting received the most votes (75) of any single post. How people get to this website was a close 2nd (62). The rest of what I wrote in the past year must have been complete crap, since there were less than 150 votes overall, and Mister Bling voted for his three most recent posts one time each.

Thanks for reading what I have had to say in the past year. Look for bigger (larger people writing their opinions) and better (more intelligent people writing their opinions) in the months to come.