Happy Thanksgiving!

Your Colostomy Bag is Ready!

I just wanted to wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you don't have to eat Tofurkey as part of your dinner. My question is: If you're a vegetarian and you don't eat meat, why punish yourself with an imitation meat that reportedly tastes something like a cross between peanut butter puke and baby poop? Don't lie either. Anyone who thinks tofurkey tastes good is as full of shit as that bag in the picture above.

I don't have a problem if you choose not to eat meat, that leaves more dead animal meat for me. And there are plenty of good vegan dishes out there, like carrots, peas and mashed potatoes. Green bean casserole is a great vegan dish, and no animals are harmed during its preparation or consumption. If someone told you that a piece of their poop tasted like turkey, would you eat that too, just to feel like a pilgrim?

I can tell you right now that the pilgrims and native Americans back at Plymouth Rock didn't eat tofurkey. The pilgrims killed any animal they could find, and when they ran out of animals to eat, they killed the guy that invented tofurkey and ate him too. With a big bowl of gravy.

I can hear all the vegans whining right now: "But Ryan, we need protein and tofu is an excellent way to get protein." Yeah, there are a lot of things out there that have protein in them, like dog food and cow testicles, but you don't see me relying on those items as key sources of protein in my diet. And I've seen a million great ways to prepare tofu, where it doesn't take on the color and consistency of my crap.

Bottom line: None of us carnivorous folk would give vegans or vegetarians a hard time if you all worked on the presentation a little bit, so that the tofu didn't look like a big bag of poop.