Wednesday, June 27, 2007

footage from 'John Rambo'

Just another example of why the terrorists hate us...

Again, thanks to Viking for the link.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Bong Hits 4 Jesus

This really bugs me. How did this case make it all the way to the Supreme Court? If you're in a public high school, and you make a banner speaking out against Christianity, why would you muddy the message by including a drug reference? Maybe he'd have actually won his case if it said 'Military Occupations 4 Jesus.' Or he could've just hung a banner of this:

There! No sending a mixed message, because the last time I checked, Snickers were legal for high school students to consume. However, please let me know if times have changed since the early 90's.

Also, how did Kenneth Starr become involved in this case? Was the kid wearing a blue dress? Did he mention a blow job? Held up The Shocker?

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Your State Sucks News Trifecta

Residents of California (whether we're "from" here or not) are used to getting shit for the "freaky" stuff our state and the people in it do. Well, the last 24-hour news cycle proves that California has no monopoly on absolute stupidity.

Dateline: District of Columbia

When defending his refusal to turn over certain records to the National Archives, in violation of an Executive Order, Vice President of these great United States Dick Cheney stated that the Office of the Vice President is "not an entity within the Executive Branch." Now, I wasn't paying attention every single day in 5th grade, but if memory serves, there are 3 branches of the federal government: the Executive, the Legislative, and the Judicial. The Legislative Branch, sometimes called Congress, can be identified by the fact that each member is directly elected by you, the voting populace (offer not valid in Ohio, where some are elected by DieBold). When you elect a congressman, he doesn't get to bring another congressman of his choosing along with him (or, to more closely parallel the current Bush/Cheney/election analogy, when you actually don't elect him, but his brother rigs the election, he doesn't get to bring another congressman of his choosing along with him). So, Cheney can't be a member of the Legislative Branch. The Judicial Branch can be identified by the fact that some are noted jurists of national renoun, and the rest are staunchly anti-abortion, and all were nominated for one of these two reasons (but no single Court member has both characteristics). While Cheney certainly can be characterized as staunchly anti-abortion, there's one more catch: as much as the current President may hate it, members of the Judicial Branch must be confirmed by Congress. And I, for one, don't remember any Cheney confirmation hearings. And I think I would have noticed. So, given that he's not a member of the Judicial Branch, nor the Legislative Branch, and apparently doesn't believe himself to be a member of the Executive Branch, where exactly does Cheney fall? The Dick Branch? Oh, and just remember: all of this would be HILARIOUS, except these people are actually running the country, and don't seem to be kidding.

Dateline: Lincoln, Nebraska

In the upcoming second trial of Pamir Safi for the alleged rape of Tory Bowen, Nebraska judge Jeffre Cheuvront has ruled that none of the witnesses (I assume this primarily means the prosecution's witnesses) can use the word "rape" when referring to the sexual contact between Safi and Bowen. The witnesses are also barred from using the terms "victim," "sexual assault," "assailant," and "rape kit." The court reasoned that referring to the sexual contact at issue as "rape" infringed on the jury's role, because it was the jury who would decide whether it was rape or not. Safi's first trial deadlocked, with jurors unable to reach a decision. In advance of the second trial, the prosecution countered the judge's ruling by asking the court to bar the words "sex" and "intercourse" based on the same rationale: if Bowen couldn't call the sexual contact "rape," it was unfair for Safi to call it "sex." The court, for reasons that will remain known only to the judge, denied this motion. Therefore, for the second time, Bowen will be required to testify about the alleged assault using only the words "sex" and "intercourse," despite her (strongly-held) belief that neither word is proper. Part of the job of lawyer is, of course, word-smith. The radical feminist literary critique posited that, since we think in language (i.e., our thoughts are not binary, but display across our mind as words), language shapes thought, which in turn shapes perception, behavior, and society. We cannot say "Chairman," because the word leads us to believe it is a position which can be held only by men. Why, you need look no further than the tenures of Carly Fiornia and Patricia Dunn as HP's Chairmen to see that women can do a double-plus good job of running companies. Thus, if we accept this notion as at least partially true, that the language we use to describe the world around us subtlely affects how we actually percieve the world, it would stand to reason that after a trial wherein everyone referred to the sexual encounter as "sex," it would be hard for a jury of good-ol-boy Nebraska farmers to conclude it was actually "rape." Aren't they polar opposites? If someone came into the courtroom before the jury got there and took a crap on the judge's bench, but everyone was required to refer to it as a "candy bar" during the trial, wouldn't the jury be justified in assuming that the brown log was indeed a delicious confection? And, more to the point, don't we elect judges with the intent that they import at least a little common sense into their courtrooms?

Dateline: Texas

In a display of good ol' fashioned Texas justice, a mob beat to death the passenger in a car which hit a child during Juneteenth fest. The child, notably, suffered entirely minor injuries. The crowd, however, was intent on beating the driver to death for his mortal sin of bad driving (which ain't hardly nobody in Texas does nohow). The passenger had the unforgivable temerity to object, and caused enough of a stir that the driver got away. The crowd, thus apparently denied their special brand of Texas justice, decided that, having gotten all riled up, they were definitely going to kill someone, and thus they beat the passenger to death.

Welcome to Texas!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

The love of heavy metal is now a 'disability'?

Well, I probably shouldn't be posting this, cuz it'll just give RedneckLaw more room to rant against my favorite kind of music. However, I'm a good sport, and plus, I can't help it. This one is just too weird.

Apparently, someone in Sweden got his love of heavy metal officially stated as a 'disability,' and is going to receive sick benefits. It took him ten years to get this classification, but he finally succeeded. He used to skip work on a regular basis to go to concerts, and now he'll be able to, as long as he makes up the time later on. He also gets to wear whatever clothes he wants to work, and can listen to his music as loud as he wants while he works (as long as it doesn't offend customers).

I could take this one in a few different directions, but I'll keep it simple. All I want to know is, when are we going to get that federally-funded health care system here in the states, so I can get better parking spots when I go to Target?

Again, big ups to 'Viking' for sending me the link.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Travelling for work

These guys mean business

June is a great time of year to be in Omaha. The weather is great. The College World Series starts today, which means that the office is a much more relaxed and enjoyable place to be, since all of the bosses are supervisors are busy drinking wine coolers in their skybox seats at Rosenblatt Stadium. And that annoying bitch from Human Resources that won't call Cheap Trick back about a job is out on vacation. Now would actually be an excellent time to be in Omaha.

But, I won't be. As of 3 pm this afternoon, I am heading to Washington, D.C. for work. Normally, I don't mind this type of trip. When Lord Bling travels for work, he gets to find out nifty information. What kind of nifty information? It would be like say getting the set list for Guitar Hero 3 or getting to find out details on Grand Theft Auto 4. Not that information exactly, but certainly on that level.

When I travel for work, it's not nearly that cool. Here is the basic agenda for my trip this weekend to give you an idea:

3:00 Flight from Omaha to D.C. - At least there is a direct flight. Omaha is close enough to everywhere in the U.S. to have a direct flight, but because of how airlines operate, this is a rare exception. Usually, I'm catching the connection out of Moose Jaw, Minnesota.
6:00 - Arrive in DC - Find place to eat dinner and drink beer. 7:00 -Ride Metro to hotel. Figure out how to hack hotel conference center free WiFi signal by chumming up with participants in Black Promise Keepers conference in hotel bar and getting conference password.

8:00 am - 8:00 pm - Meeting -
8:00 am - 8:00 pm - Meeting -
See a pattern here?

While my friends are enjoying the best college baseball has to offer, I will be in a meeting. I'm glad that the CWS is 10 days long, as I might have a chance to catch some CWS madness when I return.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Deftones and the 3 for 1 rule

For a long time, the Deftones have been a favorite band on mine. Their hard, but melodic sound is unique. I was pretty excited when I heard that Chino and the gang were coming back to Omaha for a show at a great venue, Sokol Auditorium on Thursday night. Unfortunately, I won't be there, but not because it sold out or because I am trying to get caught up on last season's re-runs of Grays Anatomy.

No, the Deftones want to charge $40 for a ticket to see them. I've paid a lot more money to see a lot shittier bands, but I have a hard time shelling out $40 to see the Deftones. And it's all because of the 3 for 1 rule. Pay attention and you will learn how this rule works. Because it is one of the unbreakable rules of the universe and holds together the very fabric of space and time, I defy you to find an exception to said rule.

The 3 for 1 rule is simple: An individual will not pay as much or more for a single concert as they did to see the same band 3 times previously. The problem is that I've seen the Deftones 4-5 times, and each time was around $10-$15. When you calculate in the anal rape that Ticketmaster calls a "service fee" these days, I probably have spent roughly the same amount seeing every previous Deftones show as I would to see them Thursday.

I recently had the pleasure of shelling out $60 to see another great band, Tool. Why did I pay more to see Tool? Because I previously paid around $30-$40 to see Tool, and therefore had no problem paying $60 to see Tool again, as it did not violate the 3 for 1 rule. I have tickets to see Less than Jake and Reel Big Fish in August for $20. Despite the fact that I have seen both of theses bands for under $10, the fact that they are playing together means that the $20 ticket charge does not violate the 3 for 1 rule.

Doesn't that make perfect sense?

New Pig Destroyer album out on Tuesday!

Well, I'm excited. The new Pig Destroyer album is out tomorrow. They're one of the few bands that I will run out and buy whatever they release as soon as possible. I also know that I'm the only frequenter of this website who likes this band. However, I thought some of you would get a kick out of this video I found on YouTube tonight...

If PD were on the soundtrack, that's the only way you'd ever catch me watching that movie.

P.S. It's not heavy by any means, but you all should check out the new one from Clutch, called 'From Beale Street to Oblivion' (a video for their first single from it is here). They've really gotten into a bluesy vibe, complete with a full-time Hammond organ, and harmonica. But they still rock it out.

Friday, June 08, 2007

Dey dook ur jahbs!

So it looks like the immigration bill is all but dead in the Senate (link is here). And then I see THIS story. No blacks in the MLB in 10 years?

While we're at it, I guess we could just slap Twins and Yankee jerseys on these guys:

And before Miles asks, this post is completely unrelated to the fact that a Mexican stole my PSP while I was on vacation last weekend...

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

I R in U Safway, Fukin up U order!

The following is real correspondence written to and from GPA:

May 29, 2007

Dear Safeway,

It's a wonder you're the only online grocer in town. I understand that in a city where many people don't have cars, home delivery services are very appealing and therefore companies assume they can get away with murder in the delivery of said services, but the serice levels of the outfit y'all are running is ridiculous.

First of all, my order was late today. According to my clock, 8:50pm does not fall between the hours of 6pm and 8pm. The driver was very nice, apologetic, and called to let me know he was running late, but oddly I was still annoyed (not with him--he seemed like a nice guy).

Then, to top things off, "a couple" items were out of stock. NINE items does not constitute "a couple". Nine constitutes a real supply chain problem. How do you run a grocery store when (for two weeks in a row) you can't deliver ground beef? Or Gatorade? OR LETTUCE???? The list of "out of stock" goes on. I just can't begin to fathom what y'all are doing so that you can't sell me ground beef. Is this a political statement? Doubtful, because if it were, you'd at least deliver my vegetables.

In order to VASTLY improve your business model, I'd recommend checking out the grocery delivery service When I lived in their service area, I had few problems -- they were able to deliver ground beef to me EVERY TIME I ordered it. Odd, they didn't seem to have the same supply chain issues you do, AND THEY DON'T HAVE STORES TO STOCK.

Finally, your scheduling system sucks. I have to put in an order nearly a week in advance in order to have the delivery time I want. Mind you, this isn't the delivery time I NEED -- this is the delivery time that I have to default to. And, to make it even sweeter, YOU CAN'T DELIVER MY ORDER INTACT OR ON TIME. Since I have to put it in so early, I typically have additions.I had additions this week. Oddly, despite confirming the adds, these items are nowhere to be found. At least you didn't charge me for them.

Oh yes, a fascinating little quirk my "personal shopper" has developed lately....I request no substitutions. I request this for a reason. The last time I ordered granola bars, you were out (seems to be a theme -- can you figure out the primary source of my frustration??), and the shopper very carefully substituted cereal. Hmmm....granola bars that I can put in my bag for a snack on the go....Yes, cereal is a fitting substitute. Despite my "no substitutions" request, items continue to be replaced. I order what I want, and don't want the "personal shopper" to decide what I want.

And for all this, I have the pleasure of paying you $10. Awesome. Truly, truly awesome.


June 5, 2007

Dear Ms. GPA,

I would like to offer my apologies on behalf of for the difficulties you have experienced while shopping online with us. I realize the importance of providing our customers with an excellent value each and every time they use our service. The incident you reported certainly does not reflect our standards for superior service, and I am confident that should you use again, you will not be disappointed.

I would like to assure you that I have made our Home Shopping Manager aware of the issue with your recent order. This action will provide information that can be utilized toward our endeavors to provide the excellent service our customers have come to expect at

I do hope that in time you will give us the chance to restore your confidence in our Home Shopping service. If we can further assist you with any questions or comments, please write us at or call our toll free number 1-877-505-4040 to speak to one of our customer service representatives. Please reference contact id 11438810, so we may better assist you.


Royletta Rowry-Smith
Customer Service Representative

June 5, 2007

Dear Ms. Rowry-Smith:
It seems surprising to me that it would take Safeway one full week to send me this generic, cut-and-paste, one-size-fits-all response. I would be surprised if you haven't created a form response, or written a macro to type something this generic out for you. But, then again, why would you be any more prompt in responding to my complaints than you are in deliverying my groceries? I do note that all of your words and letters were delivered, which means your email service works better than your grocery service. Additionally, none of the words or letters appear to be substituted with foreign words or characters totally unsuited to what you meant to write. So, once again, your email delivery appears to work better than your grocery delivery. Maybe you need to let the IT guys run the whole company?

I look forward to my next disappointing experience with your company. At least this way, I won't be disappointed.



The Insider

Those of you who read this website frequently know that we at Ryan the Angry Midget and Friends have very high journalistic standards and integrity. We don't display either of those traits in what we write here, but pretty much the only people who actually read this website are friends or relatives, and they have known us all long enough to see these traits in us. Buying that? If so, I've got some money in a bank account in Nigeria and I need you to send me your money to get it out.

Earlier today, one of the contributors to this site posted some sensitive material related to his work on the website. It's a long story, but it's related to a different website that's only legal in Arkansas because the acts displayed on said website involve animals, and he was advised to remove said content.

This was a difficult decision for us to make. Removing content is censorship, but aside from the occasional free drink at a local watering hole, we don't make money because of this website, so we all need to keep our jobs. We had a very tense meeting that can be dramatized by the following picture:

Those of you who read the blog as it is updated got some inside information. The rest of you, I apologize for removing the post at the request of the author.