Monday, September 28, 2009

Kill Your TV

I don't want to sound like a bad 80s standup comic, but what the fuck is wrong with TV? Allow me to present two columns of TV shows:

Futurama_______________________King of Queens
Family Guy______________________Everybody Loves Raymond
Robot Chicken____________________The Bill Engval Show
Mad Men_______________________ Gossip Girl
Code Monkeys____________________Two and a Half Men

[BTW, why don't they have Cntrl+Tab functionality in this text editor?]
[BTBTW, why won't this recognize spaces? Why must it fight me? Why must it make my beautiful two-column presentation so ugly? Why must my life be so filled with tiny hardships and aggrevations that make me want to murder people?]

One column is full of innovative, funny, cutting edge shows. The other column contains shows that actually suck the soul out of your body, shatter it with the soul equivalent of a crab cracker, and suck the soul-marrow out of it while making wet chittering noises like the Old Gods. One column contains shows that have been produced steadily for several years. The other column contains exclusively shows that either have been cancelled or that have been on the cusp of cancellation one or more times.

No need to belabor the point, I know you follow me. But, knowing that, follow this reasoning for a second:

1. the readers of this blog are all smart and somewhat sophisticated;
2. we are not utterly alone in this universe, i.e., there ARE other smart people in the country;
3. all of us work for a living;
4. it is possible for large corporations to pay us aboveground swimming pools fully of cash to help them make smart decisions;
5. all TV is made by large corporations;
6. and yet, America's Next Top Model is on, like, season 14 or some shit like that.

Did you see how, at the end, reasoning grabbed the wheel of its 1979 Cadillac El Dorado and swerved it off a cliff and into the shark-infested waters below? Did anyone else find this strange?

And don't give me all that P. T. Barnum "nobody ever lost money underestimating the intelligence of the average American" crap either. Because the #1 problem for network television is that their market share has shrunk EVERY SINGLE YEAR, for over a decade. Remember, when The Daily Show first started saying it was broadcast from World News Headquarters, they were KIDDING. Does anyone even bat an eye at that claim anymore? This falling viewership costs them tons of money, so don't pretend they don't care.

And so, here is the reality that logic inescapably leads us to:

1. Network TV viewership is dropping faster than knickers in a Catholic rectory;
2. This has been true for over a decade;
3. This costs the large corporations who run network TV dumptruck loads of the very money their executives need to fuel their coke and whores addiction;
4. Over the last decade, network TV has, if anything, become even more vapid and despicable;
5. This has done nothing to stem the tide of disgusted viewers fleeing network TV like rats leaving an infected-needle-rusty-spoon-rum-fueled-rape-ship;
6. Indeed, the decline has intensified every year;
7. But yet, network TV continues to get worse.

Sherlock Holmes said that, once you eliminate the impossible, the remainder, however unlikely, is the truth. It cannot be that networks don't care. It cannot be that networks are incapable of hiring people who understand the points raised herein. It cannot be that networks are unable to actually put on good shows, because they occasionally do. The only remaining explanation, therefore, is that network TV executives operate on the same principles that governed Star Trek: The Next Generation, Episode 1-24 ["Conspiracy"]. For those of you too lazy to click, I can summarize thusly: aliens have replaced all major executive, and run the networks for their own creepy, insect-eating purposes.

In closing, you may disagree with my conclusion, but you MUST admit that my conclusion is JUST AS REASONABLE as any other explanation.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Video of the Week -- The dopest rapper of all time

Words can't really describe this, but I'll try: It's a cross between Asian Karaoke Man and the Werewolf Poetry Slam?

The debate that I'm having with Lady Bling (not her real name) is whether or not this is real. I think he's really trying to be a rapper, and she thinks it's a put-on. Either way, I'd like someone to add subtitles to it. Chime in with your thoughts in the comment section...

P.S. Thanks to the Felonious Yard Gnome for sending the video along.

EDIT -- I found this kid's SoundClick page! Tons of other songs, and they're all just as terrible.
SECOND EDIT -- He must've gotten tired of people laughing at him, because he set his SoundClick profile to private. No big deal. I downloaded all of his 13 free tracks, and they're just as good as this one. And by 'good', I mean god-awful.

Monday, September 21, 2009

I Hate Hippies

So, it's all well and good to say you hate hippies. It's like taking on Nazis, Commies, or Bush II. It's like drowning a crippled newborn puppy. But the thing of it is, you people don't have to live in a city run by hippies. I do. And it sux0r. Some examples:

1. Pot laws. So, it's pretty much totally legal to toke up wherever and whenever you want here in The City. I see bike messengers spark up IN FRONT OF cops. No one cares. Naturally, YOU think this is awesome, and envision the great parties you and your friends with throw, with giant Bob Marley spliffs stuffed with the finest hydroponic being passed back and forth while everyone has a few drinks and a very good time. What you're not thinking about is the fact that the stripper who lives on the third floor of your building will light up when she comes home from work (2:30 a.m.) and turn the lightwell that your bathroom window opens up on into a giant smoke chamber. You, who has a normal job, left the bathroom window open in order to get a breeze through your bedroom, and now you awaken to the smell of Mexican Ditchweed, and need to get your tired ass up, close the window, stumble back to bed, and pass back out. Oh, and all those jobs that you and your friends joked would be pretty bearable if only you could do it stoned? Yeah, everyone who has that job in The City DOES IT stoned. And, while it may be fun to BE the stoned waiter, stoned barrista, stoned Best Buy clerk, etc., it turns out that it is NOT fun to DEAL WITH the stoned waiter, barrista, etc.

2. Street Shitting. People in The City constantly remind you: "it's not illegal to be homeless." They are not amused when you reply "not yet, anyway." Even absent a significant shift in the law, the fact remains that while the status of homelessness is not itself a crime, shitting on my doorstep is a crime, breaking the light over my door so that you can sleep there without being bother by the light is a crime, and breaking your 40 oz. Steel Reserve bottle in front of my breezeway door is a crime. You can spot denizens of cities run by hippies because they have the most mundane vigilante fantasies imaginable. They dream of donning all black, and smashing the hands of graffiti artists with baseball bats. Of making drunk hipsters clean up the pee they just splashed on your garage door----using their tongues. Of making the hobo carry the crap he so carefully laid at your doorstep the extra 5 feet over to the curb, where it won't really bother anyone----also using their tongue. Of picking up the dog poop that douchnozzle decided he didn't need to pick up, and then rubbing it into his face and neck. Then putting a plastic doggy bag over his head, knotting the neck shut, and punching him in the nose. These are the crimes that vex us.

3. Involuntary racism. Admittedly, I think this is less a hippies-run-the-city thing, and maybe more specific to The City itself. But I think The City is actually TRYING TO MAKE ME RACIST. For example, every time I see a Honda Accord driving 45 MPH in the left-hand lane of the freeway, with the left blinker on, I say a little prayer (as soon as I get done swearing and hoping for the driver's death): "Please don't let this be an Asian woman please don't let this be an Asian woman, God, dear God, I'm trying so hard, just meet me halfway and don't let this be an Asian woman." I scarcely need to tell you how the story always ends, except to say that, contrary to her promise, it didn't last long time. And I don't think she really loved me, I think it was just a ploy to get my $5. Every time I see a mid-80s conversion van that comes to a complete stop at every stop sign and always signals its turns, I beg with Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ that the van NOT be loaded with 47 Mexicans. I have yet to have that prayer answered. (Maybe, as the late George Carlin suggested, I should start praying to Joe Pesci.)

That's about all I got.

For now.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

You don't really understand what socialism is do you, Joe Six Pack?

During the election last year, one of the easiest ways to tell if you were talking to a complete troglodyte was when McCain supporters would throw around accusations that Obama was socialist as matter of fact as if they were saying he is black or cool. Turns out he's black, he's cool, but a socialist he's not. What I thought was simply a baseless attack during the election continues to be repeated like fact, particularly now that we're actually figuring out that having millions of people without health insurance is ridiculously expensive. Health care, even under a program where all of the health care costs are paid by the government, is not socialism. Not even close. To make this statement is to simply provide an example of how little you actually know about socialism or about how to operate Velcro shoes.

Let's walk through the logical fallacy involved with thinking that national health care is equivalent to socialism. It is absolutely true that most socialist governments provide government-funded health care programs. But, providing government health care for all is not the defining characteristic that makes these governments socialist. To believe that because something shares one feature with something else that they are the same thing is idiotic and simplistic, and would lead to a lot of confusion in life. Particularly when you discovered that despite the fact that female humans, badgers, and wolverines all share the characteristic that they have vaginae, but are not equally suitable sexual partners.

It turns out it takes a lot more than providing universal health care for a government to be considered socialist, and having a cool, black President doesn't turn out to be one of them. For one, the government owns and/or regulates all business activities within a socialist country. We're not even close, even with the government bailouts and stimulus packages. If you think the type of regulations we have on business are anywhere close to what they would be under socialism, you probably also believe that Utah and Amsterdam have similar drug enforcement policies. States would not have the freedom to make their own policies and regulations on things like gay marriage and decriminalization of drug use under a true socialist regime. I hope you're starting to appreciate how ridiculous it is to even suggest that we are anywhere close to socialism.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Yeah, I know what today is.

Jesus H. Christ. It's not like anyone could forget what today was. Take one look at the calendar and it jumps out at you. And yet, I go to Facebook and every other person is trying to look all 'reflective' and 'honoring'. 'Look at me! I CARE.' It's as if they all went to Starbucks and got caught in the middle of a moment of silence, and since it ruined their morning, they're 'reflecting' it back to the rest of the world. Just another reason why I don't drink coffee.

I'm not turning on the news, not even for a minute. I remember what happened that day; I don't need to be reminded like I'm a four-year-old. And I certainly don't need to be shown the footage again. It's already seared into my brain.

Of course, this isn't meant to slight anyone specifically. I just hate the self-importance that comes with this date every year. We ALL remember; you don't have to wave it around to get attention. By the way, we still haven't found Osama Bin Laden. Do you remember him? However, even when we do eventually track him down, it won't matter because the damage has been done. The Middle East hates us more now than they ever did before. Electing a black president helped our appearance to other parts of the world, but to most Muslims, we're still 'the problem'.

Our world changed eight years ago today. We all know it. Survivors live it every day. They don't need to be reminded. In a way, we're all survivors, if not physically, then at least psychologically. By 'reflecting' on it, you're not helping anyone, other than yourself to feel like you're doing something. So why don't you actually DO something today. Go outside and play with your kids. Go to a movie. Go shopping. Or, to really prove the terrorists didn't win, drive through a Wendy's in your environment-raping Hummer and order a Baconator.

(Disclaimer: This website is not affiliated with Wendy's or General Motors, nor does it condone raping the environment, or shoving mass amounts of fried pig into your arteries.)

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Are you READY for some FOOTBALL

That's right! It's that time of year again. I, for one, cannot wait for the season to start. I look forward to watching my donkeys getting pounded harder week in and week out more than Jenna Jameson on a 5 day meth bender. Not only do we have the second biggest INT machine since Ryan Leaf, but we also have mini Belichick. Upper extremity injuries, cut off sweaters and asshole news conferences. I think he actually spends time thinking of ways to not have his own identity. Thank god my Rams beat the buffs this last weekend, GO RAMS!!! Oh well, this is will be my excuse to get drunk for the next 16+ Sundays because we all know that's the only way we will make it through this season. All I ask is that we beat the Raiders twice and break Philip Rivers 90+ million dollar leg. That would make for a good season.

Over and out,

Friday, September 04, 2009

Video of the Week -- College football is back (and it brought the LULZ)

Oregon and Boise State. The first college football game of the season! And both are nationally ranked teams too. Also, it's the 'Good Sportsmanship' game, and it started with a ceremonial handshake. Probably just a press stunt, but still...

/a couple of hours later


Blount should give Dana White a call. Especially since he won't be a college student much longer. I guess worst case, he can always play for the Miami Hurricanes.