Wednesday, December 29, 2004


In the aftermath of the devastation left behind by multiple tsunamis in East Africa, India and Southeast Asia on Sunday, President Bush quickly sprung into action today and pledged $35 million to aid in the relief efforts. Earlier in the week, when issuing a statement from his Mission Control Ranch in Crawford, Texas, the President had initially only promised $15 million. UN Humanitarian Aid Chief, Jan Egeland, was criticized for saying publicly that many rich western nations, presumably including the US, were being stingy with their aid. When one considers the degree of devastation, number of people killed, and from a purely US-centric viewpoint, the hundreds of Americans who are still missing, $35 million is chump change, in my opinion.

Our country is spending billions of dollars and thousands of soldiers' lives trying to rebuild Iraq with no plan in sight to end our occupation, short of "Let's make them have elections." The tsunami affected 11 countries and estimates of the number of dead from the Red Cross indicate initial casualties of approximately 100,000, a third of which are children. International Relief Organizations like the Red Cross and UN are also predicting that the number of deaths could double during the aftermath because of disease from ruined sewage and sanitation systems and to be blunt in the words of Jonathan Davis: dead bodies everywhere.

Need more data? This was sent to me by a friend today:

US Tsunami Relief Pledge
$35 Million

2004 Florida Hurricane Relief
$3.17 Billion Source

Cost of Bush's 2005 Inauguration
$40 Million+ Source

US per capita Tsunami Relief Pledge
$35 million/295 million = $0.12 Source

Australian per capita Relief Pledge
$27.6 million/19 million = $1.45 Source
(in US dollars)

To me it's ironic to claim that you're pro-life, as the President tends to be when it works out for him politically, and then when an opportunity to prove it comes along, the President takes the foreign aid equivalent of a check swing after the ball has been thrown back to the pitcher. We're spending about $35 million every few days in Iraq, resulting in the deaths of our soldiers and innocent Iraqis. A great example of our priorities. And we only offerred more aid, after the international community thought our initial $15 million commitment was a sick joke. If ever you need evidence that Republicans are greedy, selfish dicks, look no further. Can't wait until they tackle the domestic agenda that Bush keeps talking about.

Monday, December 27, 2004

How people get to this website....

We're fast approaching two months of rambling and ranting, and the number of people frequenting the site is a lot more than I ever would have expected. The site is listed with Google, and a number of other search engines, which seems to bring people interested in all sorts of things to the site. As part of the data archiving service that I use to track hits and what web browsers people are using to view my site, I also receive a wealth of useless information such as what time zone you're in while you're reading this, what link you clicked to get here, and how much donkey porn you have on your hard drive.

About 3 or 4 times a day, someone types something unrelated to my site into a search engine, and end up at my website. Knowing the variety of keywords that link to this site is quite entertaining, and based on some of the links that bring people to my site, these people have to be terribly disappointed when they get here.

For example, some poor bastard searched for the email address for our friend from the UCLA Daily Bruin, Gilbert, and ended up here. I can't act too surprised about this one, since I repeatedly posted his email address on the website, so that fellow Wyoming Cowboy fans could include him in the revelry following Wyoming's dismantling of the Bruins. I hope whomever was looking to contact him found what they were looking for. His Mom already reads this site and emails me daily, so I know it wasn't her.

Some keywords are more entertaining. Take this one. To reach Ryan the Angry Midget, just enter AOL keyword Midget Clown Babysitting. Or Crazy Midget Babysitters. I hope those people found the right combination of short stature and insanity to suit their childcare needs. As an aside, the demand for my babysitting services has dried up since my Adventures in Babysitting post. I wonder why? I'm great with kids. Little bastards.

If the fact that people were looking for crazy midget clowns to look after their kids while they snort coke with Gary Coleman in the back of a limo in Jersey isn't disturbing enough, we also have visitors who are searching for midget clown videos and midget apartments.

The king of all searches that led to my site however, has to be the sick and very disappointed jackass that put "homeless whores" into Yahoo, and ended up at my Guide to Finding the Perfect Apartment. I can't imagine sitting down at the computer and thinking "Ok, I need to pay the cable bill, check the score of the Wyoming game, and find some homeless whores." For those of you looking for a niche in the internet website market, you can note the obvious shortage of websites providing information about homeless whores, since my website is the 60th one listed under that search. Maybe someday, if include pictures of some of the girls I dated in college, I can crack the top ten in that search category.

And what about the guy who did the search (because we all know it was a guy)? Talk about persistence. If I don't find a website pertaining to the Teletubbies within the first 10 listed, I refine my search. I don't go SIXTY sites deep, so that I can end up on some trashy website where all some midget does is bitch and complain about other people's opinions. Maybe try homeless crack whores or homeless whores on bikes. Those always seem to work well for me.

Friday, December 24, 2004

Hate to say I told you so...

UCLA - Underated Cowboys Launch Attack

For those of you who thought my rant last week in response to Snotty McCockypants of the UCLA Daily Bruin was a desperate rambling of a fan in denial, check out this good shit.

I hope sports fans and the sports media from California and the Pac 10 conference learned two important lessons last night: 1) Never bet on college football (particularly when UCLA is the team you're betting to win) 2) Don't disrespect a team with more heart than the Cardiology Department at UCLA Medical Center. Go Pokes!

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Cloning Cats

Want an example of how ridiculous people can be? Check out this good shit. The Reader's Digest Version: Lonely old women pays $50,000 for clone of deceased pet cat. Let me first clarify that I have no problem with genetic engineering. I hope someday we're all genetically engineered and they find genes for the impulsive need to people to continue to write checks despite the availability of technology that doesn't annoy the hell out of me when I'm buying beer at the grocery store. Hooray for genetic engineering!

The problem that I have with this story is the idea that this old lady can't get over the death of her stupid cat. I am a pet owner, and you can ask people who know me, but I love my dog more than most people would consider normal and/or healthy. My dog is spoiled. But, someone should have sat that old woman down and made her watch one of the countless movies that help one deal with the death of a pet. The lessons from each movie vary from even nice dogs kill (Old Yeller) to never bury your cat or child in an Indian Burial ground (Pet Semetary). This old hag spent 50 large for a genetic replica of her stupid cat that probably didn't even crap in the litter box.

The other side of this is that it's not like there is a cat shortage. Last time I checked, the alley behind my house was inhabited by no fewer than 1200 cats of varying size and color. Something tells me there is another cat out there that is close enough to her old cat, and probably doesn't shit everywhere (like 17 year-old cats tend to do). One guy in the article calls it like it is and explains that this old lady is "morally reprehensible", when there are so many cats that already need good homes. I just think she's stupid and selfish. If you have $50,000 sitting around, support a local homeless shelter or program to help women who are victims of domestic violence. I hope her kids bank her DNA when she dies and then clone her.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Bin Laden's Statement and Bush's Response

"Your missile defense programs are useless against my army of flying monkeys!"

This week was marked by a couple of disappointing items that show the direction that we're going in to combat terrorism and ensure our overall safety and security.

Based on his statements released on an Islamic website, Osama Bin Laden is at it again. We no longer have to fear Iraq's devastating military power, which would have undoubtedly devastated the entire planet with the precursors for chemical and biological weapons that the Reagan Administration sold them during the 1980's, but the guy who actually attacked our county and continues to encourage his followers to take one for the team, is somehow still alive. And we're still in Iraq, but Bin Laden is likely somewhere in Afghanistan. This is wrong on many levels, but most obviously on a Geographical level.

Additionally, a test this week of Bush's resurrected missile defense program (we'll call it Reagan-stein or Franken-penis) revealed that the defensive missiles we would use to shoot down ICBMs (Inter-Continental Ballistic Missiles - not incredibly cold bowel movements) didn't even get off the ground. I'm no missile designer, but isn't the most fundamental concept of a missile its ability to leave the ground via propulsion? During the test (launched from ominously named Ronald Reagan Test Site), the interceptor missile didn't even leave the ground because of what the Department of Defense quickly identified as an "unknown anomaly." Something tells me that a lack of thrust was to blame, but again, I'm just a midget scientist, not an engineer.

I can't wait for that memo from the Bush Administration: North Korea launched a nuclear attack destroying the entire West Coast, but the $928 million missile defense system we built back in '04 (Remember '04, when education and health care were in crisis, our borders and nuclear power plants were susceptible to terrorist attacks, and we had a spiraling budget deficit that threatened to collapse the economy) didn't even get off the ground because of an "unknown anomaly". We might as well have spent the money on coke and whores, but now the guys at Boeing get to do that.

And you would think that this report would force the Bush Administration to think twice about spending so much money on something that has never been shown to actually work. Nope. In keeping with his image of unwavering poor judgment and steadfast stupidity, President Bush thinks spending almost a billion dollars is needed for our defense against ICBMs, even as our fighting men and women in Iraq need better armor and more supplies. How is this jackass supporting our troops again?

But, I can definitely see how a missile defense system, particularly one that doesn't actually launch anything at the missiles, would be a huge defensive bonus against terrorist groups. Hell, even the most primitive terrorist organization has access to ICBMs, right? Using missiles to shoot down missiles has never really seemed like the best idea to me, and seems particularly sketchy in light of the current revelations regarding the projectile status of said interceptor missiles. Well, at least we can take comfort in the fact that our President is incredibly persistent. Hooray for persistence. A note to those who voted for Bush because of this persistence: Persistence is only a good thing when you make the right decision.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Defending the Cowboys

For those of you who don't know, I grew up in the great state of Wyoming. Home of the Wyoming Cowboys. Not just the gentlemen who chase cattle all over hell and back to have sex with them, but a group of athletes, who I will support without hesitation until I donate my body the science as a ballistics dummy.

That being said, you can understand how disappointed I was to read this article in the Daily Bruin, the student newspaper for UCLA. UCLA has to face the Cowboys in the Las Vegas Bowl on December 23rd. Gilbert, the guy who wrote the article, received the following retort via email: (You too can send him your own comments also at It's quite cathartic.)


I wanted to point out a couple things about your article (Wyoming match-up raises the question: Why? 12/9/2004) from the Daily Bruin. As a Wyoming native, there were a couple points I felt had to be made. First of all, nice picture. I can tell from your picture that the Daily Bruin decides who gets to be Senior Staff by having a pie eating contest, and you obviously pulled through on that one. Nice work.

As far as the UCLA Bruins football team goes, it's great that you're talking about the BCS in your article. I'm sure most students at UCLA have never even heard of the Bowl Championship Series, since UCLA has never won enough games to play in a BCS bowl game. Then again, maybe some of the USC students from nearby have let you all in on how it works.

You have every right to be proud of the Bruins and their chances against the Cowboys. After all, UCLA had a breakout season at with 6 wins and 5 losses. You must be particularly proud of the fact that all 6 wins came against teams with losing records. The Bruins have yet to beat an opponent this season with a winning record, let alone a single one that is going to a bowl game. No wonder you're excited to play the Cowboys. This is your big chance to prove that 2004 was your year (to finish 6-5 in the worst of the major conferences).

I bet those BCS scenarios get incredibly complicated for teams with 6-5 records like the Bruins. The Cowboys have a 6-5 record too, but Cowboy fans, despite what you would believe, are smart and realistic. We don't talk about the BCS because it doesn't affect us. If Oklahoma, USC, Auburn, Texas, Cal, Utah, Boise State, and Louisville all died in a giant 8 plane collision, UCLA would still only be playing in the Tangerine Bowl.

I can already hear you saying "But Ryan, if Cal beat Southern Miss more convincingly blah blah blah blah". Try winning your games jerkoff. You wouldn't be facing Wyoming if you have beat a single team this season with a winning record. It's not Wyoming's fault that UCLA couldn't hang in an incredibly mediocre Pac 10 conference. UCLA only beat 1-10 Washington by 6 points, and trailed 24-7 in the 2nd Quarter. And you're talking about the BCS as it affects UCLA's bowl invitation? I think losing 5 games probably had more to do with the fact that you're playing Wyoming, than the BCS snubbing of Cal, but what do I know, I grew up in Wyoming, after all.

Fans in the Pac 10 may not want to admit it, but Cal slipped past Texas in the BCS because the Big 12 is a better conference. In the three games between the Big 12 and Pac 10 this year, the Big 12 is 3-0, including your Bruins getting torched by Oklahoma State at home in their opening game.

Your negative comments about Wyoming as a state are comical. You elected the Terminator as your Governor, and you want to make fun of Wyoming for having a small population? In California, you have the largest population of any state, and you still couldn't prevent Kindergarten Cop from becoming your Governor. If that's what having tons of neighbors gives you, I'll stick to my wide open spaces, thank you very much. The solution to your billion dollar state budget crisis: Total(ly expensive) Recall (of Gray Davis). Good luck with that. Additionally, if you're any indication of what kind of people California has to offer, I'm guessing it's a pretty miserable place to live.

I'm looking forward to a good game on December 23rd, and the Cowboys will kick ass. Why you ask? Because they actually have something to play for. While to UCLA football players are busy preparing themselves for the pie eating contest that obviously got you your job, the Cowboys are going to make you eat an extra serving of humble pie at that All-You-Can-Eat Buffet you get kicked out of every second Thursday night (Homemade Pie night).

Warmest Regards from the Cowboy State,

Ryan McCreery

Monday, December 13, 2004

Links are GOOD

I know this is small and difficult to read, but download the picture and enlarge it if you can. It's quality. Thanks to cheaptrick for sending it my way.

I have been getting some quality links to other sites that I want to share with you. Enjoy!

What's your pirate name? (Special Thanks to Mister Bling)
Gollum and Eminem collaborate (Special Thanks to Mister Bling)
New Recipes for the Atkins Diet

Also, a friend of mine sent me this list of things to do before Bush's second term begins:

Some Things To Do Before The Inauguration:

1. Get that abortion you've always wanted.
2. Drink a nice clean glass of water.
3. Cash your social security check.
4. See a doctor of your own choosing.
5. Spend quality time with your draft age child/grandchild.
6. Visit Syria, or any foreign country for that matter.
7. Get that gas mask you've been putting off buying.
8. Hoard gasoline.
10. Borrow books from library before they're banned - onstitutional Law books, Catcher in the Rye, Harry Potter, Tropic of Cancer,
11. If you have an idea for an art piece involving a crucifix - do it now.
12. Come out - then go back in - HURRY!
13. Jam in all the Alzheimer's stem cell research you can.
14. Stay out late before the curfews start.
15. Go see Bruce Springsteen before he has his "accident".
16. Go see Mount Rushmore before the Reagan addition.
17. Use the phrase - "you can't do that - this is America".
18. If you're white - marry a black person, if you're black - marry a white person.
19. Take a walk in Yosemite, without being hit by a snowmobile or a base-jumper.
20. Enroll your kid in an accelerated art or music class.
21. Start your school day without a prayer.
22. Pass on the secrets of evolution to future generations.
23. Learn French.
24. Attend a commitment ceremony with your gay friends.
25. Take a factory tour anywhere in the US.
26. Try to take photographs of animals on the endangered species list.
27. Visit Florida before the polar ice caps melt.
28. Visit Nevada before it becomes radioactive.
29. Visit Alaska before "The Big Spill".
30. Visit Massachusetts while it is still a State

Christmas Shopping

It's crazy to think that it's almost the end of 2004. Hanukkah is well underway. Christmas is less than two weeks away, and Kwanza begins soon after that. Sometimes living in the insensitive, capitalist theocracy of the United States, we forget how our emphasis on Christmas from a commercial and religious standpoint has gotten completely ridiculous. It's Jesus's birthday, so let's all play nice and remember to be EXTRA good during this time. If you're so happy about Jesus being born, be a nicer person all the time like the guy asked you to be.

And anyone who has worked in retail during the holidays can tell you that customers are complete assholes during the holidays. I used to work in a record store, and people would come in the day before Christmas and expect you to have the new Shitney Spears or the Backdoor Buddies's entire collection because their kid will certainly need more therapy and medication, if they don't get the CD in their stocking. I'm fairly certain this is exactly how Jesus wants us to celebrate his birthday: by being materialistic cock gobblers who will trample one another to get the $39 DVD player that was made in a sweatshop in China by 4 year-olds who work 12 hour days and make 50 cents a year (plus a generous 401k, of course).

In honor of this consumeristic tradition, I want you all to check out this web site. It lists the retailers who supported Bush with contributions during the last election, and will help you to identify retailers to avoid. As long as we're spending thousands of dollars on worthless crap that we really don't need, we might as well avoid those retailers who care more about their profits than about the general welfare and health of their customers. Thanks to JC for sending me the link.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Rush Limbaugh: Patriot and Junkie

It's been over a week since I posted, and I have to apologize. The postings will be more regular from this point forward.

On my trip from Washington to Nebraska, I traveled through the bright Red states: Bush country (a.k.a. Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, and Nebraska). To those of you who live in actual cities, this may come as a complete shock to you, but there are large stretches of highway in Wyoming where the only thing on the radio is one AM station. And that one AM station broadcasts Rush Limbaugh, all day long.

Believe me or not, I enjoy Rush Limbaugh because he makes such a mockery of conservatives, and he seems to relish in it. It's tough to even consider, but if I were a conservative, I would do everything in my power to get Rush off the air. As a liberal, I appreciate having conservative pundits like Hannity, Limbaugh and Coulter, because their arguments are so baseless and asinine, it puts the whole conservative worldview in its proper perspective.

This week in another act of self-contradiction, Rush criticized the reporter who helped a soldier frame a question to ask Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld about the lack of supplies for our troops in Iraq. The end result of the soldier asking Rumsfeld about the lack of sufficient armor and other crucial supplies was that the Army increased orders for such items. Rush accused the reporter (Edward Lee Pitts, who is embedded with the questioning soldier's unit in Iraq) of planting the question to take Rumsfeld down.

As an aside, my favorite part of the entire exchange was Rumsfeld's response to the soldier's question, which bordered between "beggars can't be choosers" and the Stones' famous lyric "You can't always get what you want." (Then again, the lyric would continue "But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need." So, I guess it really doesn't apply here.)

The best thing about Rush's unsolicited opinion on the issue is that it shows how quickly conservatives with abandon their "Support Our Troops" cries, when someone attacks the Bush administration. Rush supports the troops, as long as they shut up about the lack of support from the Department of Defense. You see, Rush wouldn't understand what it's like to go in to combat without armor, since he avoided military service altogether.

As far as the reporter "planting" the question, the reporter must have also planted a few hundred soldiers, who cheered when the soldier asked the question. I'm sure the whole thing was made up, just to make Donald Rumsfeld look bad. Furthermore, the end result was more armor for the troops, so I am not quite sure why Rush is so outraged, unless he really doesn't support our troops at all or doesn't care about their safety. Also, why would the Army need to increase order for armor and supplies later in the week, if our soldiers had everything they needed in the first place? Probably just to make Rumsfeld look bad, since the soldiers are obviously incredibly safe.

I love Rush Limbaugh because he serves as an uncensored, shining example of how selfish and self-righteous the conservative mindset can be, when you add an addiction to painkillers to the equation. Keep on rockin' Rush. The more crap you spout, the more polluted the septic tank of conservative ideas becomes. Megadittos, asshole.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Ryan's Guide to Finding an Apartment

How to find a great apartment. Taco Bell always offers such great advice.

Obviously, finding an apartment is a key part of moving, unless you're a homeless person. As far as homeless people go, the following guide to finding an apartment won't probably be much help. Until the Bush administration realizes that the homeless problem in the US is a reflection of their lack of funding for mental health services and treating the war on drugs as a crime issue, rather than a health issue, all we can do the help the homeless is to volunteer and make donations to organizations that support the homeless.

The guide is simple, unlike those websites like this one or this one. This method is much more scientific. You rate the apartment in question based on a points system, where points are awarded or taken away based on amenities and features. This system has always worked well for me. 100 points is the perfect aparment. Less than 20 points means that you should seriously question your safety and happiness if you sign a lease.

- Proximity to Taco Bell
- Apartment is inside a Taco Bell - +25 points
- Taco Bell is visible from the premises - +10 points
- The city where the apartment is located has a Taco Bell - 0 points
- No Taco Bell in your city - (-10) points ( I would consider a different city)

- Proximity to Bars/Pubs
- Apartment is located in Ireland - + 20 points
- Bar located within stumbling distance - + 10 points
- Bar located within $5 cab fare of apartment - +5 points
- Apartment is in Utah - (-25 points)

Welcome to Ryan's new apartment

- Other location considerations
- Located at a ski resort- + 20 points
- Located in Texas - (-10) points
- Located on or near train tracks - (-10) points
- Located near a school - (-10) points
- Located near a college campus - +10 points

- Amenities
- Heat - + 1 point
- Heat Paid - + 3 points
- Water - +1 points
- Water Paid - + 3 points
- Washer/Dryer - +3 points
- Dishwasher - +3 points
- Whores - + 5 points (per Whore)
- Fireplace - + 3 points
- Kegerator- + 5 points

I hope this helps you to find your next apartment. This can also be adapted if you're looking for a home.