Saturday, December 26, 2009

Lord Bling's Top 10 Favorite Video Games of 2009

The music list is down, now on to video games! One fair warning (and this applies to the music list as well): I'm not a professional critic, and didn't get to play everything this year, so a couple that might have made my list (Assassin's Creed 2, Dragon Age: Origins) didn't get played before the year was out. I'll play 'em next year and hopefully will post mini-reviews afterwards. Also, I don't have a gaming PC, so anything PC-exclusive would not have been played.

10. MadWorld (Wii). The bloodiest game of 2009, hands down. It's so over-the-top that it's like a playable Itchy and Scratchy cartoon. Great tongue-in-cheek moments throughout, and the Wii motion controls (usually annoying in most games) fit in perfectly here. Also, the running commentary by Greg Proops and John DiMaggio is one-of-a-kind, and laugh-out-loud funny. (In the interest of full disclosure: I work for Sega, but that doesn't change the fact that it's a fun and funny game.)






9. God of War Collection (PS3). It might be cheating to include this, since the two games included were released in previous years. However, since they were originally on the PS2, THIS is truly how they should be played: Full HD and at 60 frames-per-second. I wish the cutscenes were rendered in the same way (they look PS2 quality), but don't let that scare you away. These are two of the greatest games of the last console generation. Even if you've already played them on the PS2, they're worth owning and playing through again on the PS3.






8. Scribblenauts (DS). A puzzle game where you are only limited by your imagination. Sounds like a cliche, until you actually play it. You write down a noun, and as long as it's not trademarked or a drug of some kind, it appears in the game to help you. Want to conjure up a time machine to go back to ride a dinosaur, then bring him to the present and make him kill robot zombies? You can. The only real negative about the game is that you're forced to use touch controls, and it isn't as precise as you'll want it to be. However, this is worth buying simply for how innovative it is, and some of the harder levels will give you a strong feeling of satisfaction once you beat them. Not that I'd know, cuz I'm still stuck in the first half of the game. Guess I'm not imaginative enough!



7. Forza Motorsport 3 (X360). Forza 2 was already a very good game, and brought great ideas to the online racing genre (Auction House, custom liveries). Forza 3 improved up on it in many ways. Sharper graphics. More cars, more tracks. A stunning playable in-car view. The ability to rollover. And probably the best of all: They kept it hardcore for the gearheads, but they also put in play options that the casual racing fan can enjoy. I've been a fan of the Gran Turismo series since the first installment on the PS1, but they're gonna have to hit a home run with GT5 if they want to be the best racing game of this generation.






6. Little Big Planet (PSP). As you may remember, the PS3 version made my top ten list last year. I can't quite rank the PSP version as high, because the level creator is a little harder to use, and there is no multiplayer. However, the new levels for this version are a lot of fun, and the imagination and skill of the LBP community never ceases to amaze me. If you get this, go to a WiFi hotspot, take it online, and download the highest rated levels. Some of them are better than anything in the actual game. Oh, and one thing this version does better than the PS3? Downloaded levels can be saved to your memory stick, so if someone makes a fun level that breaks the Terms of Service (for copyright infringement or adult themes), if you download it before the mods delete it, it's yours.




5. Trials HD (Xbox Live Arcade). Excitebike meets N+. Just those words got me excited for this one. Then I played the demo, and immediately handed over my $15. It can be frustrating (the extreme levels are downright masochistic), but the challenge is what keeps me coming back. Like N+, the physics are very consistent, so if you die, it's because of something YOU did, not because of a mistake the developer made. The leaderboards are great, not only because it compares you to your friends (and gives you something to strive for), but it also allows you to watch replays of the best performances worldwide on each track. This feature comes in very handy on the harder levels, as some people solve sections in ways you may not have previously thought of. It's been very popular too, and has been at or near the top of the most played Xbox Live Arcade games list every week since release. The demo is free, so download it and give it a try.




4. Batman: Arkham Asylum (PS3, X360). If you'd have told me last year that a Batman game would make my Top 10 list for 2009, and that it would be this high on the list, I'd have told you to put the crack pipe down. A good Batman game? Yeah right! But someone finally did it. Batman finally feels like a badass like he was always supposed to. Part open-world exploration, part Splinter Cell, the variation in the different parts of the island and in the boss battles keeps everything feeling fresh. The story is very strong too. Mark Hamill voices the Joker, and he's phenomenal. He pulls off funny and sinister in ways that the video game world has never seen. And this is all coming from someone who doesn't give half a crap about the comic books! It's a great game, and I'm looking forward to playing the sequel.




3. Borderlands (PS3, X360, PC). Hey, you got your RPG in my FPS! Hey, you got your FPS in my RPG! Fans of games like Diablo and fans of games like Call of Duty can finally agree on something: Gearbox has succeeded in making these two great tastes taste great together. A good game to play by yourself, but a great game to play cooperatively with up to three friends. I would've liked more voice acting in the missions (instead of text, which you'll probably end up skipping most of anyway), but that's a very minor complaint. 'Bazillions' of weapons are in the game, and there's nothing quite like the candy-colored explosion of loot when you kill a tough bad guy. Also, Claptrap is far and away my favorite game character of the year. "Check me out, I'm dancin', I'M DANCIN'!"





2. Uncharted 2 (PS3). Did you hate the last Indiana Jones movie? Of course you did. But playing this game more than makes up for it. Naughty Dog took everything good in the first Uncharted game and improved upon it, plus added strong co-op and multiplayer modes. The graphics and character animation is supurb. The story might be the best in any video game of this generation. The voice acting might be the best in any video game ever. If you haven't played it yet, I don't want to overhype it, but I'm not sure if it's even possible to do. It's THAT good.






1. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 (X360, PS3, PC). Oh c'mon, don't act too surprised. My love for the Infinity Ward installments in this series has been well documented on this site, but even my highest expectations were surpassed with this game. The single-player campaign is short, and the story has ADD, but most don't play this game just for the single player. Online is where it's at. The multiplayer added many new weapons and perks, but the balance of it all is still perfect (especially now that they recently patched the range on the Model 1887 shotgun). The graphics are almost photo-realistic. They added a two player co-op mode called Spec Ops, and one could play it for days and not even touch the other two game modes. Infinity Ward has sold millions of copies of this game, and they deserve to. They improved upon a masterpiece. This is the greatest online console shooter ever made.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Lord Bling's Top 10 Albums of 2009

Instead of doing a lengthy top 10 video game list like last year, I thought I'd do three shorter lists for music, games, and movies. So let's start with music. Caveat Blogger: I listen to a lot of heavy stuff that some people consider 'noise'. However, my list is not 100% metal, as you'll see.

10. Converge -- Axe to Fall. It might be their best since Jane Doe. It's at least as good as You Fail Me, and is miles ahead of their last album. Brutal, raw, and uncompromising. FAVORITE TRACK: "Wretched World"




9. Dying Fetus -- Descend Into Depravity. Many fans of this band have been waiting for them to release something that approaches the level of their influential masterpiece, Destroy the Opposition. They've finally done it. I won't say it's better, or even as good, but it's close. Oh, and don't be fooled by the band name. Their lyrics are political, not gory. FAVORITE TRACK -- "Descend into Depravity"




8. The Black Dahlia Murder -- Deflorate. This band is consistent. Not a weak album in the bunch. It's less 'black' than their last one, but not quite as cross-over sounding as Miasma (still my favorite of theirs). The DVD that comes with the album is great too. FAVORITE TRACK -- "I Will Return"





7. Between the Buried and Me -- The Great Misdirect. Part Faith No More, part Dillinger Escape Plan. Just those words alone should tell you that a BTBAM album is never boring. This one is no exception. I'm on the fence as to whether or not it's as good as their last album (Colors), but if not, it's damn close. I still wish the vocalist had more variation in his growls, but the talent on display is undeniable, and they've only become better songwriters as time goes on. FAVORITE TRACK -- "Obfuscation"



6. The Mag Seven -- Cotton Needle Sessions. I wrote about this album a couple of months ago, and it's still getting regular rotation on my MP3 player. Yes, the members of this band are friends of mine, but don't let that stop you from giving it a spin. It's very different from their previous albums, which are punk and surf inspired instrumentals. This one is very laid back, and wouldn't sound out of place in a 50's spy movie. FAVORITE SONG -- "Lahaina"




5. Behemoth -- Evangelion. This album is a return to form after the less-than-stellar The Apostasy. More time changes, more brutal, and probably the best production of their career. Some of their fans think their best albums came before Demigod, but I think they were always trying to define their sound up until that one. Evangelion is probably the purest vision of that definition. FAVORITE SONG -- "Ov Fire and the Void"



4. Silversun Pickups -- Swoon. A Smashing Pumpkins copycat releasing one of my favorite albums of the year? Yeah, I'm just as surprised as you might be. There's just something about this album that pushes all of my right buttons. It's much more influenced by shoegazer groups like My Bloody Valentine, and they're all the better for it. And they can also throw down a great hard rock song, like this one: FAVORITE SONG -- "Panic Switch"




3. Cannibal Corpse -- Evisceration Plague. This band has been the AC/DC of death metal. They put out an album, and it's almost the same as everything else they've done before, but the fans will continue to be happy. However, they hinted at slight changes on their last album (Kill), but then came this one. The title track doesn't have a single blast beat, and yet it's probably the catchiest thing they've ever written. Most of the rest of the album is what you'd expect (fast and brutal), but the hooks in every song are more polished than anything they've done in a long time. Non-fans won't be completely converted, but anyone who likes the harder side of rock music will have trouble not getting into the title track, if not more. It's the best album they've written in over 15 years. FAVORITE SONG -- "Evisceration Plague"


2. The Red Chord -- Fed Through the Teeth Machine. This band has had an interesting history. Their first album was recorded quickly and on the cheap, but ended up being extremely influential in the math-core genre. Second album tightened their sound, and the pharmacy-inspired lyrics are still a high water point. Third album felt rushed, and was extremely disappointing. They took their time on this one, and it shows. They also went from two guitar players to one, but didn't miss a step. Hints of melody exist in some of the riffs, but they never hint at anything mainstream. They've come back and reclaimed their position as one of the top math-core bands, and I couldn't be happier about it. FAVORITE TRACK -- "Embarrassment Legacy"


1. Mastodon - Oblivion. The guitar comes in with three notes, then four. Then the bass guitar follows. Then the drums. Then, 'I flew beyond the sun before it was time...' and HOLY CRAP, did Mastodon get a new vocalist? Nope, that's the drummer. Then the surprises keep coming throughout the rest of the disc. A concept album about Rasputin, an assassination attempt, and a LOT of acid, Crack the Skye reaches for the stars, and grabs them. I rarely use the word 'epic' to describe an album, but this one deserves it on every level. I tried to put the disc away for a while, because I was afraid I would burn it out. I couldn't bring myself to do it. And yet, it's still just as amazing as it was when I first spun it. I've been a fan of this band since their major label debut, and felt their last two were inspired but inconsistent. This album is distinctively 'Mastodon', but it's much more sprawling and vast than anything else they've ever done. I can't imagine them improving upon this, but I can't wait to see them try. FAVORITE TRACK -- "Oblivion"

HONORABLE MENTIONS

These albums were good, but not quite good enough to make the top 10. In alphabetical order, by band:

- Cattle Decapitation - The Harvest Floor (favorite song - "Regret and the Grave")

- Devin Townsend Project - Addicted (favorite song - "Supercrush")

- Goatwhore - Carving Out the Eyes of God (favorite song - "Apocalyptic Havoc")

- Living Colour - The Chair in the Doorway (favorite song - "That's What You Taught Me")

- Muse - The Resistance (favorite song - "Undisclosed Desires")

- Pelican - What We Have All Come To Need (favorite song - "Strung Up From The Sky")

- Suicide Silence - No Time To Bleed (favorite song - "Smoke")

- Suffocation - Blood Oath (favorite song - "Dismal Dream")

Movie and video game lists coming sometime in the next week or so. Until then, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Kwanzaa, et.al.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Quit Apologizing for Thinking Avatar is a Good Movie

You're going to be sorry.


My wife can tell you that I'm really terrible at apologizing, even when I know I'm dead wrong about something. This is the main reason that I don't want to see the movie Avatar. Not because it's directed by James Cameron, who I've hated since Titanic became the most over-rated film of all time. Based on the reactions from my friends who have seen the film, apparently it's not acceptable to admit that you like this movie. I am not excited about seeing a movie where I'll probably be apologizing to everyone that I talk to about it.


Most people who have seen the movie say something like: "Don't judge me for saying this, but Avatar really was a good movie." This type of statement coming from people who are generally reviewing movies by saying things like: "If you don't like this movie, you're a hopeless idiot." leaves me concerned that if I see Avatar, I'll spend the next three months trying to justify to people why I thought it was good, as if I'm concerned about what people think of my taste in movies. I think Billy Madison should be on AFI's list of greatest movies of all time for the love of God. Is that something that you would admit if you cared about what people thought?


Titanic was painfully long, cheesy, predictable, and formulaic, if not visually stunning. The predictability was not Cameron's fault, since most anyone who can tie their shoes knows that damn boat is going to sink at the end of the movie. Like the Passion of the Christ, the ending is bound to be predictable. Perhaps liking a movie by the same director as such a piece of cinematic tripe does make one defensive that their credibility will be negatively affected by this admission.


I say, who cares. If you like Avatar, good for you. If you think that Ghosts of Girlfriend's Past is as funny as the Hangover (as someone recently admitted to me), then you have problems. I'm glad we had this talk.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

So long Moral Oral!

We're both dead.
When I heard Oral Roberts died earlier this week, it reminded me about an example that you can use when people say that there's no harm from the power of prayer when treating people who have illnesses. I'm not trying to suggest you shouldn't pray, if that's your deal. Oral Roberts represents the worst of what can happen when people of faith are exploited by someone who they think they can trust. Roberts duped his followers out of millions of dollars over the years and claimed to be able to use the power of God to cure people's illnesses. Many of the illnesses that Oral claimed to treat were probably medically treatable. It's impossible to know how many people with actual diseases sufferred longer than they needed to or even died because of this scam artist, but it raises a fundamental issue that crosses lines between medical treatment and religion.
Here's my conundrum: Is this just a type of natural selection where stupid people seek medical advice and treatment from a religious zealot liar? If you believe that God is going to cure your cancer, all the power in the world to you, but I'm not betting on you living very long. If you believe that God has the ability to cure your cancer, but just let all those other cancer victims die, including thousands of kids, you've got some serious megalomania or you believe in a God who falls on the sadism scale somewhere between the John McCain's friends at the Hanoi Hilton and the gang from the film, Hostel.
Oral wasn't alone in his quest for taking money from stupid people. He originated the practice. This is why, while I'm never glad to hear that someone died, I won't cry a single tear for Oral Roberts.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

This Christmas, give your loved one a gift that keeps on giving.

If you've watched any TV in the month of December, you've probably seen a commercial for Kay Jewelers, with a man who's giving a gift to his deaf girlfriend. He comments on how his sign language isn't very good, and she reassures him, then he gives her a Christmas gift, blah blah fuckin' blah. But the best part is the end of the commercial, when he asks her if she likes it. The sign he uses? The Reverse Shocker!


This guy should write a book. Is that actually how you sign 'Do you like it'? Who cares?!? Any excuse to get the Reverse Shocker on TV is a good one.

BONUS: In 'researching' this post, I found some other interesting variations on The Shocker. Enjoy:

The Rocker
The Woodstocker
The Spocker
The Minivan

Monday, December 14, 2009

Top Ten Lists coming soon

Happy Monday everyone. I thought I'd drop by with a quick note to say that I'm working on a Top Ten of 2009 list for three catagories: Games, Movies, and Rock/Metal albums. Since there will be three lists, they won't be as lengthy as last year's Game list. Hope to have it posted sometime between Christmas and New Years.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

One year.

365 days. That's how long it's been since my brother passed away. One year, and yet all cliches aside, it still feels like yesterday. Either that means I haven't truly begun the healing process, or he was that important in my life. I think it's both.

Rest in peace, bro.

Friday, December 04, 2009

Grindcore Baby

Midge, is this your son?

Friday, November 20, 2009

Video of the Month -- Cartman at the Water Park

What happened to Video of the Week? Well, I've been busy and haven't kept up with it. Or, replace 'busy' with 'lazy'. Either or.

So I'm making up for it by posting a video so incredible that it makes up for the lack of recent VotWs: Eric Cartman singing 'Minorities (at My Water Park)'...



The rest of the episode wasn't nearly as sharp, but when they unleash Cartman like they did in this episode, it makes up for it.

P.S. For those of you who don't watch a lot of South Park (which I doubt is too many who come here on a regular basis), this clip may look racist when viewed out of context. However, Cartman is meant by the creators of the show to be looked upon as an asshole.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Arnold, you were wrong.

Hey everyone. As you can see, I haven't kept up with the site lately. I've had a lot going on, including the removal of a tumor on my back this morning (Arnold was wrong). It was basal cell carcinoma, which I'm told 'if you would have to choose a form of cancer to have, it'd be' this one. Yeah, so there's that. Also been working like crazy. However, I wanted to make sure you all were in the loop on a little game that releases tonight at midnight.




I've already beaten the single-player campaign, and got in a little multiplayer too. My spoiler-free review? It's all that. Oh, and there's a multiplayer perk in it called 'Bling'. Yeah, it's like they made the game just for me. :) If you pick it up on Xbox 360, send me a friend invite (Lord Bling) and we'll throw down on some noobs!

On another note, The Miles is en route to my hood to hang out for a few days, and not just for MW2 but also for the Dethklok / Mastodon / Converge concert on 11/11. Should be fun.

Hope you're all doing well.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

6-0

The Bronco train just keeps rolling. Even with those fuck-ugly 'throwback' uniforms (or as I'm calling them, 'throwup'), Denver looked tough on the road last night against San Diego. One thing they needed to improve upon after a close win against New England last week was the special teams. I'd say they made some adjustments:

video

video

Now, I'm not saying they're gonna run the table or anything foolish like that, but it's looking like we should take the division this year. It may be the AFC Worst, but the playoffs are the playoffs. And I'll also say that like all of the 'football experts', I didn't believe they would be this good. I mean, c'mon. Elvis Dumervil, a fourth-round pick in 2006, now leads the league with ten sacks in six games. TEN. That's some Tecmo Super Bowl shit right there. The only question right now is, 'Will the Broncos be good enough to beat a top-tier team, like the Steelers or Colts?' We'll find out the answer to both before this season is over.

On another note, let me say that I HATE Stuart Scott. Hate him. He's not funny, and he never was. 'As cool as the other side of the pillow?' Sounds like an outtake from 'Kids Say the Darnedest Things'. 'Boo-yah?' Is that the sound that football pitching machine made when it drilled you in the face?


Thanks to The Miles for the Photoshop inspiration.

By the way, congratulations to the Kansas City Chiefs, who finally won a game this year. Although by doing so, they might have blown their chance at the only prize they could feasibly win this year (the number-one pick in the 2010 Draft). They still have a shot though, since Detroit also only has one win, and Oakland now has two wins.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Video of the Week -- I needed a good laugh

I needed a good laugh today, and this video did the trick.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Sunday Ramblings: Limbaugh agrees with the Taliban

This blog is almost five years old, and to my knowledge, not once have I ever written about Rush Limbaugh. The Midge brought him up once back in November of 2004, before the training wheels were off the site. That's saying something, because The Midge still has training wheels on his bike. Those things are TALL. But enough about midgets trying to ride grown-up toys. I think it's time to break my anti-Limbaugh streak. Apparently, he doesn't think Obama deserved the Nobel Peace Prize:



"Our president is a worldwide joke. Folks, do you realize something has happened here that we all agree with the Taliban and Iran about and that is he doesn't deserve the award. Now that's hilarious, that I'm on the same side of something with the Taliban."

'We all agree with the Taliban'. Wow, I didn't know you spoke for all people. Or maybe you only speak for all insanely-out-of-touch neo-conservatives, like Bill Kristol?

Anyone who's ever spent five minutes reading a political article on The Guardian or any other major international news website could tell you that our current president is respected in other countries for being courageous enough to reach out and communicate with nations that the previous administration only wagged a finger at from behind a podium. Does that mean he deserves the Nobel Peace Prize? I'm not wise enough to say who does and who doesn't, which is more than I can say for 'pundits' who don't read international press, like Bill Kristol.

So why, after all this time, am I giving the racist, pill-popping hypocrite space on this site today? I think Sun Tzu said it best:

"If you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles."


P.S. If this is too much politics for you this morning, then here's a link you might appreciate: Guy Ritchie called Madonna 'retarded'. I know, right? Funny.

P.P.S. Back to politics. I don't think this deserves a separate post, but I wanted to mention that Dennis Miller recently said that Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity are so far to the right that they're 'off-road', but where did he say this? On The O'Reilly Factor, of course.



Share your thoughts about Madonna in the comments below...

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Video of the Week -- The Mag Seven

This week, the new album from surf-rock instrumentalists The Mag Seven was released. They had a song on the first Skate video game from EA, and you could also unlock a t-shirt with their band logo on it. This new album is a lot more mellow than their previous punk-inspired stuff, but I also think this is their best album yet.


Here they are live, from a recent performance in Dallas. This song isn't on the new album, but it's similar in style:



To hear more, check out some samples on the Amazon page. I think a lot of you will like it. It's not like anything else out there right now.

P.S. In the interest of full disclosure, the bass player and guitar player are both good friends of mine. They're also broke, so buy the album already ya cheap bastards!

Monday, October 05, 2009

Best of the Worst?

Good morning. I thought I'd stop by the site to post this (courtesy of ESPN.com):



Being in first in the AFC West is kinda like winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics, but since we all like to talk our football smack here, consider this the first volley. And if being first in the AFC West is like winning the Special Olympics, what does it say to be in last?

I have no delusions of grandeur. My earlier prediction of a 4-12 season still could come true, especially with the brutal schedule through the next two months. But the defense has allowed an NFL-low 26 points through four games. Dallas was the first true test, and they passed.

In other news, there's still a professional football team in Kansas City. However, there is no word if NFL football is still being played there. Stay tuned for more details...

Monday, September 28, 2009

Kill Your TV

I don't want to sound like a bad 80s standup comic, but what the fuck is wrong with TV? Allow me to present two columns of TV shows:

Futurama_______________________King of Queens
Family Guy______________________Everybody Loves Raymond
Robot Chicken____________________The Bill Engval Show
Mad Men_______________________ Gossip Girl
Code Monkeys____________________Two and a Half Men

[BTW, why don't they have Cntrl+Tab functionality in this text editor?]
[BTBTW, why won't this recognize spaces? Why must it fight me? Why must it make my beautiful two-column presentation so ugly? Why must my life be so filled with tiny hardships and aggrevations that make me want to murder people?]

One column is full of innovative, funny, cutting edge shows. The other column contains shows that actually suck the soul out of your body, shatter it with the soul equivalent of a crab cracker, and suck the soul-marrow out of it while making wet chittering noises like the Old Gods. One column contains shows that have been produced steadily for several years. The other column contains exclusively shows that either have been cancelled or that have been on the cusp of cancellation one or more times.

No need to belabor the point, I know you follow me. But, knowing that, follow this reasoning for a second:

1. the readers of this blog are all smart and somewhat sophisticated;
2. we are not utterly alone in this universe, i.e., there ARE other smart people in the country;
3. all of us work for a living;
4. it is possible for large corporations to pay us aboveground swimming pools fully of cash to help them make smart decisions;
5. all TV is made by large corporations;
6. and yet, America's Next Top Model is on, like, season 14 or some shit like that.

Did you see how, at the end, reasoning grabbed the wheel of its 1979 Cadillac El Dorado and swerved it off a cliff and into the shark-infested waters below? Did anyone else find this strange?

And don't give me all that P. T. Barnum "nobody ever lost money underestimating the intelligence of the average American" crap either. Because the #1 problem for network television is that their market share has shrunk EVERY SINGLE YEAR, for over a decade. Remember, when The Daily Show first started saying it was broadcast from World News Headquarters, they were KIDDING. Does anyone even bat an eye at that claim anymore? This falling viewership costs them tons of money, so don't pretend they don't care.

And so, here is the reality that logic inescapably leads us to:

1. Network TV viewership is dropping faster than knickers in a Catholic rectory;
2. This has been true for over a decade;
3. This costs the large corporations who run network TV dumptruck loads of the very money their executives need to fuel their coke and whores addiction;
4. Over the last decade, network TV has, if anything, become even more vapid and despicable;
5. This has done nothing to stem the tide of disgusted viewers fleeing network TV like rats leaving an infected-needle-rusty-spoon-rum-fueled-rape-ship;
6. Indeed, the decline has intensified every year;
7. But yet, network TV continues to get worse.

Sherlock Holmes said that, once you eliminate the impossible, the remainder, however unlikely, is the truth. It cannot be that networks don't care. It cannot be that networks are incapable of hiring people who understand the points raised herein. It cannot be that networks are unable to actually put on good shows, because they occasionally do. The only remaining explanation, therefore, is that network TV executives operate on the same principles that governed Star Trek: The Next Generation, Episode 1-24 ["Conspiracy"]. For those of you too lazy to click, I can summarize thusly: aliens have replaced all major executive, and run the networks for their own creepy, insect-eating purposes.

In closing, you may disagree with my conclusion, but you MUST admit that my conclusion is JUST AS REASONABLE as any other explanation.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Video of the Week -- The dopest rapper of all time

Words can't really describe this, but I'll try: It's a cross between Asian Karaoke Man and the Werewolf Poetry Slam?



The debate that I'm having with Lady Bling (not her real name) is whether or not this is real. I think he's really trying to be a rapper, and she thinks it's a put-on. Either way, I'd like someone to add subtitles to it. Chime in with your thoughts in the comment section...

P.S. Thanks to the Felonious Yard Gnome for sending the video along.


EDIT -- I found this kid's SoundClick page! Tons of other songs, and they're all just as terrible.
SECOND EDIT -- He must've gotten tired of people laughing at him, because he set his SoundClick profile to private. No big deal. I downloaded all of his 13 free tracks, and they're just as good as this one. And by 'good', I mean god-awful.

Monday, September 21, 2009

I Hate Hippies

So, it's all well and good to say you hate hippies. It's like taking on Nazis, Commies, or Bush II. It's like drowning a crippled newborn puppy. But the thing of it is, you people don't have to live in a city run by hippies. I do. And it sux0r. Some examples:

1. Pot laws. So, it's pretty much totally legal to toke up wherever and whenever you want here in The City. I see bike messengers spark up IN FRONT OF cops. No one cares. Naturally, YOU think this is awesome, and envision the great parties you and your friends with throw, with giant Bob Marley spliffs stuffed with the finest hydroponic being passed back and forth while everyone has a few drinks and a very good time. What you're not thinking about is the fact that the stripper who lives on the third floor of your building will light up when she comes home from work (2:30 a.m.) and turn the lightwell that your bathroom window opens up on into a giant smoke chamber. You, who has a normal job, left the bathroom window open in order to get a breeze through your bedroom, and now you awaken to the smell of Mexican Ditchweed, and need to get your tired ass up, close the window, stumble back to bed, and pass back out. Oh, and all those jobs that you and your friends joked would be pretty bearable if only you could do it stoned? Yeah, everyone who has that job in The City DOES IT stoned. And, while it may be fun to BE the stoned waiter, stoned barrista, stoned Best Buy clerk, etc., it turns out that it is NOT fun to DEAL WITH the stoned waiter, barrista, etc.

2. Street Shitting. People in The City constantly remind you: "it's not illegal to be homeless." They are not amused when you reply "not yet, anyway." Even absent a significant shift in the law, the fact remains that while the status of homelessness is not itself a crime, shitting on my doorstep is a crime, breaking the light over my door so that you can sleep there without being bother by the light is a crime, and breaking your 40 oz. Steel Reserve bottle in front of my breezeway door is a crime. You can spot denizens of cities run by hippies because they have the most mundane vigilante fantasies imaginable. They dream of donning all black, and smashing the hands of graffiti artists with baseball bats. Of making drunk hipsters clean up the pee they just splashed on your garage door----using their tongues. Of making the hobo carry the crap he so carefully laid at your doorstep the extra 5 feet over to the curb, where it won't really bother anyone----also using their tongue. Of picking up the dog poop that douchnozzle decided he didn't need to pick up, and then rubbing it into his face and neck. Then putting a plastic doggy bag over his head, knotting the neck shut, and punching him in the nose. These are the crimes that vex us.

3. Involuntary racism. Admittedly, I think this is less a hippies-run-the-city thing, and maybe more specific to The City itself. But I think The City is actually TRYING TO MAKE ME RACIST. For example, every time I see a Honda Accord driving 45 MPH in the left-hand lane of the freeway, with the left blinker on, I say a little prayer (as soon as I get done swearing and hoping for the driver's death): "Please don't let this be an Asian woman please don't let this be an Asian woman, God, dear God, I'm trying so hard, just meet me halfway and don't let this be an Asian woman." I scarcely need to tell you how the story always ends, except to say that, contrary to her promise, it didn't last long time. And I don't think she really loved me, I think it was just a ploy to get my $5. Every time I see a mid-80s conversion van that comes to a complete stop at every stop sign and always signals its turns, I beg with Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ that the van NOT be loaded with 47 Mexicans. I have yet to have that prayer answered. (Maybe, as the late George Carlin suggested, I should start praying to Joe Pesci.)

That's about all I got.

For now.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

You don't really understand what socialism is do you, Joe Six Pack?

During the election last year, one of the easiest ways to tell if you were talking to a complete troglodyte was when McCain supporters would throw around accusations that Obama was socialist as matter of fact as if they were saying he is black or cool. Turns out he's black, he's cool, but a socialist he's not. What I thought was simply a baseless attack during the election continues to be repeated like fact, particularly now that we're actually figuring out that having millions of people without health insurance is ridiculously expensive. Health care, even under a program where all of the health care costs are paid by the government, is not socialism. Not even close. To make this statement is to simply provide an example of how little you actually know about socialism or about how to operate Velcro shoes.

Let's walk through the logical fallacy involved with thinking that national health care is equivalent to socialism. It is absolutely true that most socialist governments provide government-funded health care programs. But, providing government health care for all is not the defining characteristic that makes these governments socialist. To believe that because something shares one feature with something else that they are the same thing is idiotic and simplistic, and would lead to a lot of confusion in life. Particularly when you discovered that despite the fact that female humans, badgers, and wolverines all share the characteristic that they have vaginae, but are not equally suitable sexual partners.

It turns out it takes a lot more than providing universal health care for a government to be considered socialist, and having a cool, black President doesn't turn out to be one of them. For one, the government owns and/or regulates all business activities within a socialist country. We're not even close, even with the government bailouts and stimulus packages. If you think the type of regulations we have on business are anywhere close to what they would be under socialism, you probably also believe that Utah and Amsterdam have similar drug enforcement policies. States would not have the freedom to make their own policies and regulations on things like gay marriage and decriminalization of drug use under a true socialist regime. I hope you're starting to appreciate how ridiculous it is to even suggest that we are anywhere close to socialism.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Yeah, I know what today is.

Jesus H. Christ. It's not like anyone could forget what today was. Take one look at the calendar and it jumps out at you. And yet, I go to Facebook and every other person is trying to look all 'reflective' and 'honoring'. 'Look at me! I CARE.' It's as if they all went to Starbucks and got caught in the middle of a moment of silence, and since it ruined their morning, they're 'reflecting' it back to the rest of the world. Just another reason why I don't drink coffee.

I'm not turning on the news, not even for a minute. I remember what happened that day; I don't need to be reminded like I'm a four-year-old. And I certainly don't need to be shown the footage again. It's already seared into my brain.

Of course, this isn't meant to slight anyone specifically. I just hate the self-importance that comes with this date every year. We ALL remember; you don't have to wave it around to get attention. By the way, we still haven't found Osama Bin Laden. Do you remember him? However, even when we do eventually track him down, it won't matter because the damage has been done. The Middle East hates us more now than they ever did before. Electing a black president helped our appearance to other parts of the world, but to most Muslims, we're still 'the problem'.

Our world changed eight years ago today. We all know it. Survivors live it every day. They don't need to be reminded. In a way, we're all survivors, if not physically, then at least psychologically. By 'reflecting' on it, you're not helping anyone, other than yourself to feel like you're doing something. So why don't you actually DO something today. Go outside and play with your kids. Go to a movie. Go shopping. Or, to really prove the terrorists didn't win, drive through a Wendy's in your environment-raping Hummer and order a Baconator.

(Disclaimer: This website is not affiliated with Wendy's or General Motors, nor does it condone raping the environment, or shoving mass amounts of fried pig into your arteries.)

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Are you READY for some FOOTBALL




That's right! It's that time of year again. I, for one, cannot wait for the season to start. I look forward to watching my donkeys getting pounded harder week in and week out more than Jenna Jameson on a 5 day meth bender. Not only do we have the second biggest INT machine since Ryan Leaf, but we also have mini Belichick. Upper extremity injuries, cut off sweaters and asshole news conferences. I think he actually spends time thinking of ways to not have his own identity. Thank god my Rams beat the buffs this last weekend, GO RAMS!!! Oh well, this is will be my excuse to get drunk for the next 16+ Sundays because we all know that's the only way we will make it through this season. All I ask is that we beat the Raiders twice and break Philip Rivers 90+ million dollar leg. That would make for a good season.


Over and out,
HCP

Friday, September 04, 2009

Video of the Week -- College football is back (and it brought the LULZ)

Oregon and Boise State. The first college football game of the season! And both are nationally ranked teams too. Also, it's the 'Good Sportsmanship' game, and it started with a ceremonial handshake. Probably just a press stunt, but still...

/a couple of hours later

WHAT THE FUCK?!?



Blount should give Dana White a call. Especially since he won't be a college student much longer. I guess worst case, he can always play for the Miami Hurricanes.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Bling is back (and he brought Bible LULZ)

Somehow, I survived a week of Las Vegas AND Mexico City. Did you miss me?

No?

Okay, so you're mad at me for being gone. Well, maybe I can make up for it by posting THIS:

11 Things The Bible Bans, But You Do Anyway

I love their point about Christians who ignore the Old Testament, but then throw around Leviticus 18:22 as a justification for their homophobia. Can't quote that and wear tattoos or a poly-blend t-shirt.

I found this article by following 'almightygod' on Twitter. Just seeing that 'God' isn't capitalized should tell you enough about His posts.

P.S. I'm not traveling for a couple of weeks, so I'll be back.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

What's bugging me?

Excuses are like assholes, I know. But, if I had as many assholes as I do reasons for not updating the site on a regular basis, I'd need the world's best proctologist. I figured since I had a little time today, I'd update you on what's been driving me nuts lately. If I am linked to a homicide, consider these catalysts:

1) People who use the word "delish" to describe food or anything else. Rachel Ray and her legions of followers have taken food snobbery to an entirely new level. I don't dislike Rachel, and I think some of her recipes are quite good, even if they require a list of 80 ingredients that you can only realistically obtain if you work for the Food Network or live in Tuscany. The word "delish" itself is not all that annoying, but the people who routinely refer to everything from French Onion soup at Panera Bread to those inflated corn starch-based packing pellets as "delish" certainly are. You know who you are. Yeah you, the lady fumbling through boxes of Velveeta trying to find your prized parmigiano-reggiano cheese for $800 an ounce.

2) People who don't have jobs or work part-time and complain about how busy they are - People who need to work and don't have jobs because of the economy have plenty to complain about. People who don't have to work or only have to work part-time have nothing to complain about. I'm sure finding 20 hours or less during your busy life of medical dramas and shows where people spend too much money designing rooms for their home that look like shit is killing you. If you are lucky enough to be in this position, I don't want to hear you complain about anything. You have no reason for negativity. Please don't prove that you have no perspective by not recognizing how good you have it.

3) People who compare everything President Obama does to Hitler or Socialism - Using the word "delish" or complaining about how complicated your life is working part-time or not at all certainly make a person look like an idiot. What trumps both of those things in terms of demonstrating stupidity is comparing attempts by the President and Congress to fix a healthcare system that is completely fucked wins the Summer of '09 award for best public demonstration of idiocy. When you say something like "Hitler supported national healthcare" or "Obama's got us on the road to Socialism", the only thing that you're proving is that you don't fully understand Hitler or Socialism or healthcare or how to tie your shoes without velcro. The healthcare proposals that have been suggested by the President and Congress are expensive, and not particularly creative or likely to reduce costs, which is what any decent solution would need to do to be sustainable. These limitations don't make it Socialism or the extermination of Jews. Visit an actual Socialist country or read a book about Hitler. You'll stop saying things that make you look like you are in a special education program.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Video of the Week -- Wall of Death from last weekend's Mayhem Fest

Wow. This is a LOT of idiots:



Moshing? I get that. Running full speed into someone else who's running full speed into you? Not smart. They call it the 'wall of death' for a reason.

It was a great festival though. Saw lots of death metal, bought a cheap Black Dahlia Murder t-shirt (only ten bucks at their merch booth!), laughed at all of the wanna-be goths / Marilyn Manson fans, stayed hydrated with $4.00 bottles of water, and wore out a pair of earplugs.

What sucks now is, I don't have another concert to look forward to until November. The Miles is coming down from Kansas Shitty for this one. Anyone else wanna make the trek?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Omaha Citizen of the Year = Meth Addict

This is what happens when The Angry Midget is allowed to vote for anything:

http://www.ketv.com/news/20431026/detail.html

BTW, I know I said I was gonna post pictures from last Saturday's Mayhem Festival, and I did ... but not here. If you're a friend of mine on Facebook, then you've probably already seen them. If you're not a friend of mine on Facebook, but you read this site, then you're probably not ON Facebook, which sounds like a personal choice / antisocial stance. Good luck with that.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Is the summer over already?

Hey everyone. I'm back from two weeks of work travel, and thought I'd stop by to share some random bitching and introspection.

It seems like I blinked, and it's already mid-August. I'll be at the Mayhem festival tomorrow, which is gonna rule, but it's also going to feel like the last hurrah for the summer. Pretty soon, I'll have to start driving 20 miles an hour through the school zones in my neighborhood again, but the temperature will still be in the high 90's. I don't know about you, but that's just cruel.

So, what did I do this summer? I took vacation on Memorial Day to see friends in Seattle, and that was a lot of fun. A friend came down from Amarillo to hang out with me at the 'Legends of Kung Fu' event, which was a good time. Otherwise, I've been buried in home repairs and work travel:
Electrical issues
Phone / fax machine issues
Pool leak repair
Pool pump repair
Lawnmower repair
Sprinkler system timer replaced (and a valve is still broken as I write this)

It seems unfair to complain about traveling for a job, but when you get four or five hours to yourself out of four or five days of work, it hardly makes it worthwhile. I was in L.A. for the E3 convention, which sounds cool, but I spent almost the entire time at my company's booth, in meetings. People asked me, 'So what was the coolest game you saw at the show?' and I've had to answer, 'I didn't really see anything other than my company's stuff'. Quite a difference from being a buyer, and seeing everything (but no, I'm not in a hurry to become a buyer again). But, I also got into an exclusive DJ Hero party, and got pictures taken with a ton of celebrities, so I guess I can't complain too much.

The same can be said for a recent trip to Mexico. Two days of non-stop meetings, but somewhere in there, I shoehorned in some time at the beach, and I went club hopping in Playa del Carmen on my last night there.

So what's my point to all of this? Enjoy what you have while you have it, and make every minute count. We're not on this earth very long, so try to find a few minutes every day to take for yourself. Even if it's just to step outside and walk around the block to clear your head, don't hesitate. No one on their death bed ever says, 'I wish I'd have done more home repair' or 'I wish I'd have worked more hours'. And if anyone ever did, they're idiots.

P.S. I'll post a few pics from the Mayhem festival this weekend.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Conservative Zombies

I know at least a few contributors to this blog have read the book World War Z, which is why I hope you'll enjoy this post from the blog OpenLeft by David Sirota. For those of you unfortunate souls who haven't read World War Z, it's a science fiction book about the war between zombies and humans. Sirota makes some stellar comparisons to the type of thoughtless, idiotic statements being made by conservatives recently, and how this lack of critical thinking has led to a group of zombie-like followers of people like Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh. Much like zombies, these people don't realize how stupid they look asserting that Barak Obama is not a citizen of the United States or attacking Sirota's (correct) statement that Bush did not win the popular vote in the 2000 Presidential Election. Unlike some issues in politics which can lead reasonable people to disagree (abortion is awesome vs. abortion is murder), issues like whether or not the President is a US citizen and the fact that Bush was only elected because the Supreme Court stopped the recount in Florida are facts that anyone with access to Wikipedia can verify for you. I liked the book, but I like the comparison of this type of behavior to zombies even more. I'm greasing up my chainsaw and sawing the barrel off of my 12-gauge, double-barrel side-by-side just in case this turns out to be more than just an analogy.

Saturday, August 08, 2009

VOTW -- new Behemoth video

Did someone say 'good new music?'

Behemoth "Ov Fire And The Void" from Metal Blade Records on Vimeo.



Nightmarish, violent, haunting. I wish more metal bands made videos like this. Behemoth has a new album out this Tuesday, and I'm gonna see them at the Mayhem festival in a week. Can't wait.

EDIT: The version I posted earlier is the 'alternate' (i.e. 'censored') one. I've now updated it with the original, uncensored version. Enjoy!

Friday, August 07, 2009

So rrrrruuuunnnn!!!!



You know something, I saw the Midget's recent request for some good new music and I realized that there isn't any. So for the video of the week, I decided to go a little old school. Enjoy.

Sweet nectar of the Gods!


To those that don't know, live in a hole, or don't know what good beer tastes like, it's Guinness's 250th birthday. So here's to 250 more years of Guinness!

-My friends are the best friends
Loyal, willing and able.
Now let’s get to drinking!
All glasses off the table!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

...And now for the more hardcore!

I need a Morphine drip...




Since the Bling is currently figuring ways back across the border, I figured I would try and put up a decent vid of the week. Enjoy...

Friday, July 24, 2009

HCP trying out for the UFC!

Good luck dude!

NAILED IT LORD BLING!!!




And you thought your high school senior pick was lost forever! Found it!

Video of the Week -- the greatest music scene in cinematic history



BTW, unless someone else wants to do it, there will be no Video of the Week for the next two weeks. I'll be on the road for work.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

A Bridge Too Far?


I think that I speak for a majority of writers on this blog in saying that we were all excited, and greatly relieved, to have Obama elected as president. I think that I can also say that we all recognized that he was the type of politician that only comes around once in a 30 year span. The kind of smooth operator that makes you feel like you're not getting rammed in the ass, even though you still are. To preface what I am about to say, I am greatly appreciative of the kind of campaign that Obama ran, and that I still believe that he is doing what is best for this country.
However, I am beginning to wonder if he was bestowed too great a task for any one person to tackle on his own. I have been, on the whole, okay with what he has been doing to this point. But then I see this and it gets me to thinking. Have we set ourselves up for the big let down before we truly fix anything? Here is the real concern: have we, the most voracious of supporters, set him up to fail before he gets out of the gate? George W. Bush left a lot of shit to fix, I see that, but has there been so much left to fix that no amount of political capitol can get anything passed? And when that political capitol is spread so thin, do any of us get what we wanted? Peace of mind or prosperity?
Maybe here is the real concern. I see his "approval" numbers dwindling and worry that the everyday Joe "Shitpack" doesn't pay enough attention to see every hurdle and roadblock set up by every two bit jag off with an "R" next to his name that the next election swings back in the direction of those greedy little swine fuckers. Maybe the overriding concern isn't agenda, but attention span. Maybe we get the America that we deserve, but as for me, I guess it's eventually back to Mexico.

Odelay Vatos,
HCP

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Monday, July 13, 2009

UFC 100: The Redcoats are Coming!

I can't improve upon HCP's great post below, but I did want to share a great picture that someone sent to Dan Henderson, and he hosted and Twittered it:


I liked Bisping on his original TUF, but he's gotten really cocky, especially for someone who's had almost every single pro fight in his backyard. I hate him almost as much as I hate Lesnar, and that's saying something. Now if you'll excuse me, fuck you all, because I have to go drink a Coors Light. Not a Bud Light, because they don't pay me nothin'. And I might even get on my wife tonight too.

All hail King Douche Bag!




I'm not quite sure how many of you like watching MMA, more specifically the UFC, but I love to watch these fights. Guys that get to train all day to beat each others brains. It isn't the sweet science, for sure, but is entertaining nonetheless.
All that being said, I don't know how many of you watched the fight last Saturday, but the heavyweight fight between Frank Mir and Brock "Still riding the coattails of my WWE career" Lesnar was sub-par to say the least. The fight was good if you like watching guys basically hug it out. Lesnar won. No big deal.
But then, the worlds biggest nut sac proceeds to not only to taunt his fallen opponent, but to give the finger to the entire crowd in the Mandalay Bay event center; moreover, he proceeds to talk trash about sponsors and how he is going to climb on top of his wife later. All fine for a WWE event, but not worth a shit at a UFC one. He was already the most hated guy in MMA for the special treatment Dana White showed him coming in. (It's a business, and Dana needed a big name in the heavyweight division.) I just think this set the sport back more than it already was since it's seen as a low brow sport to begin with.
I hope that Dana can get his shit together or it's gonna be real tough to watch UFC events with this chode as a belt holder. Oh well, I guess there's always bum fights.

Adios,
HCP

Friday, July 10, 2009

Video of the Week -- Makin' It Rain

I don't really know what to add to this, other than a facepalm picture.


Thanks to the Yard Gnome for sending.

EDIT: Apparently, the guy was just goofing off in this video. There are other videos of him on YouTube being normal. Still though, it doesn't make the word 'umbrerra' any less funny.