Tuesday, July 29, 2008

McCain is a ROBOT!!!!

Ok, maybe not really a robot, per se. But I was reading on the CNN political ticket that the AFL-CIO had to launch an informational campaign to explain to it's members that a bunch of Republican-launched anti-Obama lies are actually not true. Given that this same Republican machine nuked McCain's changes in South Carolina by launching a phone campaign insinuating that McCain had fathered a black child during the 2000 Presidential primary. Here are some of the fun rumors they had to dispel:

1) Obama was not born in the United States - This one is designed to prey on those who didn't pass civics class and are the same people who want Arnold to run for President. The Governator can never run for President for the same reason that you have to be an idiot to believe that Obama wasn't born in the US. People born outside the US can't run for President, ass clowns.

2) Obama refuses to wear a flag pin on his lapel and wasn't sworn into the Senate on a bible. First of all, neither is actually true. Second of all, who gives a crap. Bush was sworn in as President on the bible and went on to kill thousands of Iraqis and US troops during his on-going campaign against terror. I've always wondered how these types of things can matter when we have a President that does both of these things and has completely fucked up the country. Guess what? I wear a flag pin on my lapel and am holding a bible, but I'm going to shoot you. Still think it means that much?

3) Obama hates freedom, puppies and children - This is probably one of the biggest reasons I am voting for him, actually.

I'm sure things are going to get nastier before the end of it all, but it wouldn't be an election without a whole lot of lies and bullshit to reinforce our apathy, right?

Monday, July 28, 2008

Things I didn't know were illegal in Oklahoma

I think Oklahoma might be trying to improve its reputation a little bit. Especially since the number one suggested new name for the transplanted Seattle Supersonics is the Oklahoma City Bombers. What's crazy is that if this lady made that many tapes, there had to be a market for them. That's what being neighbors with Arkansas, Kansas and Texas will get you.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Who's your Daddy?

You can probably gather from some of the previous posts on this blog, that we're not going to win any awards for being "Child-friendly". No endorsement from Parent's magazine shall be forthcoming.

Regardless of our previous position, Ryan the Angry Midget is going to be a Dad. If that's not scary, I am not sure anything would be. While having a kid really only means that you had sex, telling people that you're going to be a parent changes their entire perception of you. I have compiled a list of the some of the things people say that are annoying and how you should respond if you find yourself in this position:

1) What are you having? I probably get asked this by every single annoying person that figures out that my wife's baby bump is not liver cancer. We chose not to find out the gender, mostly because neither one of us felt strongly about finding out. What we didn't realize is that there is no middle ground here. People are disappointed in you if you find out or if you don't find out. Therefore, the best answer to this question is: a baby, you fucking idiot! My wife perfected another response that I thought was particularly clever: "I hope it's a white baby, because otherwise it'll be pretty awkward.". Saying "Puppies!" also creeps people out.

2) What names do you have picked out? This question is particularly annoying when you don't know the gender. People don't ask this because they are curious. They ask this because they want to share their opinion about the names you've picked out. NEWS FLASH: I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK I SHOULD NAME MY KID! I've made a list of names, mostly awful, biblical or both, that I use to respond in this situation. Judas. Adolf. Herman. Mavis. Another option that gives the gift of annoyance right back is to just say the name of the person that asks you. People stop asking when you do this.

3) Is your wife going to quit her job to stay home with the baby? I hate this question a lot simply because the only people who ask it are those assholes that think the only way you can be a decent parent is by physically being with your kid all the time. And it's unfairly applied to women. You would never hear anyone ask this about a father. My response is typically that my wife will continue to work so that my children can grow up to appreciate the fact that women are intelligent and can contribute more than their breast milk to society.

And this, my friends, is only the tip of the most obnoxious iceberg you'll ever encounter. At times I feel as though I am wearing a t-shirt that says "I want your opinion on parenting." But I can promise you, I don't at all.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Why I am proud of San Francisco

I think San Francisco is San Frantastic. I always have. Where else on earth can you have an election for city council between a members of the Transgender Green Party and Socialist Vegan Party. Not Omaha, for one. It doesn't hurt that it's currently the pasture where CowboyLaw roams, but even before he relocated there, I would rank San Fran as one of the best cities in the US. Now, I am thinking it may very well be the best city in the US (my apologies to New York and Seattle, two other awesome cities).

San Franciscans are among the smartest groups of people living in one city in human history. Not only do they not hate gay people for no good reason like the rest of the country, but they want to name a sewage plant after George W. Bush. And we're not talking about some fringe homeless guy with a sandwich board either. 12,000 people signed a petition to get the issue on the November ballot. My hope is that San Franciscans will soon have their waste treated at a place named after a guy who is the ultimate piece of shit.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

And now for something a little more serious....

That's right. It's time for ninjas on roller skates:

Tuesday, July 08, 2008


So now Iraq has gone on the record as wanting the U.S. out of Iraq. Does this negate all that previous talk from President Bush, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, and Emperor Palpatine, ERRRRR, Joe Lieberman about not wanting to set timetables for our exit? Or are we going to continue to be John Belushi in that Saturday Night Live skit?

I don't know how much more direct they can be. We're not welcome there anymore, and we haven't been for years. I love how some Republicans still say we're winning over there because 'violence is on the decline.' If we just killed them all, then violence would REALLY be on the decline! Have we actually run out of brown people to kill?

Seriously though, it's been long enough. It's time to:

And no, HCP, I didn't mean your brown people.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Jesus Didn't Tap!

So I'm watching the UFC pay-per-view last night, and one of the fighters comes out wearing a shirt with this logo:

In case you don't know what it is to 'tap,' here's a definition (from Urban Dictionary):

'tapout' (verb) -- 1. To tap the floor or an opponent in an act of submission. As in Jiu Jitsu, the losing party, as opposed to being seriously injured or rendered unconscious will tap to admit defeat.

Here's what their MySpace says:

"Jesus didn't quit after going though the worse beating and pain that anyone could go through when he was crucified on the cross. His face was unrecognizable and almost every bone in his body was broken, but he still didn't tap so that we could live a joyful life. WHAT IF JESUS TAPPED? Jesus went through so much for us and didn't tap. He was beaten so bad that you could not even recognize him from head to toe, yet he still didn't tap. Not only did he not tap but he came back and defeated Satan by crushing his head to win after the beating he went through. If he would have tapped we would be in hell. We would be in pain mentally and physically 24/7, but Jesus didn't tap for us, so we don't have to live a life of hell."

Okay, so riddle me this: How could Jesus tap when his hands were nailed to a cross? Shouldn't they call it 'Jesus Couldn't Tap'? And he 'defeated Satan by crushing his head?' So, did Satan tap?

These are the kinds of things that keep me up at night.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Postpartum Depression in Liberty City

Niko, I wish I knew how to quit you.

In my previous blog post about Grand Theft Auto IV, I'd mentioned that I'd beaten the single player story mode, but wouldn't go back to get 100% completion because "I doubt I'll ever get THAT bored." Well, I did it. 50 Unique Stunt Jumps? Check. All random pedestrian missions? Check. 30 Most Wanted Missions? Check. Shot all 200 Pigeons? Check.

So why did I do it? I have other games to play. In fact, I have too many. I still plan on beating Bully, Rainbow Six Vegas 2, and The Bourne Conspiracy. I recently picked up The Incredible Hulk, Quake Wars, and Guitar Hero Aerosmith, but haven't even taken the shrink wrap off of those yet. I received CSI in the mail from GameFly that I need to at least give an hour to. And on top of all that, I'm still in the second act of Metal Gear Solid 4 on the PS3, which has been great so far, and apparently gets even better. So why did I spend countless hours last week shooting at a bunch of birds? I hadn't even beaten a GTA game since part 3 on the PS2, and I can't remember the last time I'd worked so foolishly to get 100% completion in ANYTHING. Was I really THAT bored?

I think the answer is simple: I missed Liberty City. The more I played the game, the more real the city felt. I'd gotten to the point to where I knew it like the back of my hand. I rarely used checkpoints anymore. I started listening to stations I hadn't listened to yet, and I found myself enjoying more of them than I thought I would (Classics FTW!). I'd broken into the sports car shop in Algonquin so often, they practically held the door open for me. And yet, I never felt like I was whoring for achievements. I found that I really wanted to spend more time in this town. I'd reach to put in some other game, but then the song 'Back in the New York Groove' would get in my head again. It was a fitting song to play over the credits, and it stuck with me. Next thing I know, I'm calling Brucie to set up another race, because I liked the way he says, 'Punish those bitches!' Or I'd go drinking again with Packie, just hoping he'd slur his way through 'Danny Boy' in the cab once more. You know, for old time's sake.

Right before I saved for the last time, I did something that bothers me even now, as I think about it. I called Little Jacob and loaded up on body armor and Molotovs. Why? Why would I do that? It's OVER. Nothing more to see here folks, move along. And yet, in an open world game, is it really ever over?

Rockstar, my hat's off to you. You've created the closest thing to a virtual city I've ever seen. You somehow made me feel nostalgic for it, even after spending more than 70 hours there. It's still not a perfect game. The cover system is flawed, the friendly AI is suspect at times, and the vehicle physics are too slippery. But at the end of the day, Grand Theft Auto IV will still go down as one of the best gaming experiences of this generation.

P.S. My Xbox 360 finally got the Red Ring of Death. It happened yesterday afternoon, when I had two pigeons left to find. Maybe after my jokes to all of my other X360 friends about their hardware troubles, it was karma showing up to strike mine down? Or maybe it was trying to weep over Bill Gates' retirement? In the end, it doesn't matter. The coffin is on its way. I'd thought about buying a used one at a game store, and then returning it after mine came back, but fortunately, I didn't have to. A friend of mine (who's even more impatient than I am) did the same thing when he got the RRoD last year, but never returned the used one, so he's letting me borrow that one until mine comes back from the dead. Microsoft, I wish I knew how to quit you too.