Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Halloween in the Workplace

Happy Halloween.

When you're a kid and even when you're in college, dressing up for Halloween was an event that you looked forward to. For some reason, when you get out into the working world, something goes horribly wrong and adults violate the cardinal rule of Halloween: wearing a lame costume as an excuse to violate your place of employment's dress code.

We've all seen it. Carl over in Accounting is dressed up in jeans and his Nebraska Cornhusker's t-shirt because he's going to be a Husker fan for Halloween. If I were Carl's boss, I would fire him and then hire a bunch of kids dressed up like pirates to rape and murder him for abusing the opportunity to dress up, simply because he's too lazy to throw on his usual polo shirt and khakis.

Halloween is not an excuse for adults to wear whatever the hell they want to work. You either go big, or call in sick if you want to wear jeans and your REO Speedwagon t-shirt.

One rather large lady that I work with today wore her regular work attire with little fairy wings. I wanted to be like "Hey lady, unless you strap some jet engines to those fairy wings, you ain't flying anywhere." Instead, I said "What are you supposed to be?" And she admitted to me that she just wanted to take the opporunity to wear wings to work. THE AUDACITY!!!

While I round up my band of midget pirates to smite her, you'd better go out and get a real costume or prepare to feel the wrath.

Monday, October 30, 2006

True Facts About Midgets

If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 glittering gold coins.

If you throw a midget into a tub of hot water, he makes sleepy-time tea.

If you kick a midget in the balls, he turns into 8 squirrels and they run off into the woods.

If you lose a fight with a midget, you become a midget. So, be the bigger man. Literally.

With all apologies to Patton Oswalt.

Who says I can't be brief?

Florida Voting Irregularities Redux

Let me begin by pointing out that I am not an election conspiracy nut. The 2000 Presidential Election pisses me off because of two things: 1) Al Gore didn't have the balls to keep the re-count going and 2) The Republicans, who are all about freedom and democracy didn't want the re-count to continue. What we've learned since is that re-counting can change the outcome of a major election, as in the case of the Washington State Gubernatorial Race back in 2004. And that was before the advent of computerized balloting machines.

Fast forward to this week in, of all places, Florida, where reports are cropping up about problems with the automated machines. If you read the article two things will probably jump out at you. First of all, the errors talked about are all in favor of the Republicans. Secondly, the article quotes election officials saying that they are aware this is occurring and blame it on equipment

If the error is due to an equipment problem, why does it seem to only be favoring one party? Odd, for sure.

I am sure someone will send me an email along the lines of "Ryan, if someone were going to do this with computers, wouldn't they be smart enough to not show the voting errors on the confirmation screen as described in the article?"

This assumes a couple of things that I don't hold to be absolute truths including that the people perpetrating this effort are intelligent. If the vote-changing occurs behind the scenes, we won't have any way of knowing about it, unless someone does an independent audit of election results. This is vote-changing in a very demonstrable way, and I don't think it's a coincidence that the company that makes these machines (Diebold) is a huge GOP contributor. Check out www.opensecrets.org to see what I mean there.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

NFL Season Thus Far

Current AFC West Leaders: Denver Broncos

There's been some jawing in the comments section of this website lately about a couple of things that I wanted to address: 1) Why I haven't been posting as much lately and 2) NFL Football.

To eliminate any speculation that might be occurring here, let me just say that in addition to work, I have been taking Calculus class as a refresher so that I can start my PhD next year. I have done way more drugs and drank way more alcohol since the last time I took this class, so it consumes a good bit of my time, just trying to derive, shout profanity and repeat. Your patience is appreciated.

As far as NFL football goes, I wanted to address some of my earlier predictions. Some can't really be judged at this point, but others are clearing up.

1) Pittsburgh did beat Miami in the opening game. Little did we know how much Miami would suck at this point in the season, but at least I didn't pick them to win the Super Bowl, right?

2) Shawn Alexander and the Madden Curse. I was dead wrong on this one. Homeboy has several lackluster games, and then goes out with a foot injury. I have a special, albeit small, place in my heart for the Seahawks, since I used to be able to see their stadium from my apartment's balcony, but this is looking like a bad year for them, unless they can make Seneca Wallace the next Kurt Warner.

3) The Chiefs are in for a lackluster season. If I had one prediction that I wanted to be true more than anything in the world, it was this one. Chiefs fans, as experience on this website has shown, tend to live in a constant state of denial. First of all, the Chiefs are 3-3, but only one of those wins came over a team with a winning record. Arizona and San Francisco are not exactly the pride of the NFL. Even if the Qweefs make the playoffs, which is a huge if at this point, they won't be lucky enough to play teams like that.

Also, Larry Johnson, who was getting a lot of hype coming in to the season is on pace for a mediocre 1304 yards this season. Not quite the 2000 he promised eh? Against one of the weakest rushing defenses (statistically), Johnson had 36 yards (Arizona). Not what I would call MVP statistics.

Because Chiefs fans don't have anything that they can say to make their own team seem better, given these facts, they will proceed to attack the Broncos. The Broncos are 5-1 on the season, despite playing all of their games except one (St. Louis) against a team with a defense in the top 10 in the NFL. People are coming down hard on Plummer, but he's won all but one of the games that he's started against those very same top defenses. The Broncos also beat the Chiefs in one of the most ugly, boring games of the year. I'm not proud of the wins we have, but you can't argue with beating New England at Foxboro and beating the Ravens anywhere. Oakland is a divisional opponent, but their defense is currently ranked 5th in the league, despite the offense.

Chiefs fans lack creativity, so you will also hear them complain about Trent Green's injury and the effects that might have had on their losses as well as their beloved Larry Johnson. First of all, Trent Green is nothing special, unless you're using age as a criteria. This is evidenced by the fact that Damon Huard can come in and essentially put up the same statistics that Green does. In fact, with the exception of the Pittsburgh game, Huard's QB rating was higher than Green's for the first 6 games of last season.

So Chiefs fans can hope for a surge when Green figures out what country he's in and gets back on the field, but statistically speaking, this is as good as it gets. Unless Trent Green brings back a whole new corps of receivers, Tony Gonzales will continue to be the best receiver they have, and when a 90 year-old TE is your best receiver (he led the team in receiving for each of the games that KC lost), you don't have a lot of weapons to make the defense back off and say "Watch out, they might go deep."

It also doesn't help that Herm Edwards' longest passing play that he's called as a coach was a 15 yard curl route either.

The end of the season will be the ultimate test, but for the time being, the Chiefs can enjoy their .500 record and mediocre RB.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

True Facts about Chuck Norris

If at first you don’t succeed, your name is not Chuck Norris.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

Time waits for no man, unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

A Handicapped parking sign is actually a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will become handicapped if you park there.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it.

Everything King Midas touches turns to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.

Chuck Norris' penis has a Hemi.

If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around, Chuck Norris still hears it.

The drummer for Def Leppard once asked Chuck Norris what time it was.

Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.

A lesbian is a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.

Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising rookie."
Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother's uterus.

Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris is the only person to have beaten Ray Charles in a staring contest.

If Chuck Norris ever has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends."

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Midterm Election Fun: Nebraska Style!

Giant Douche or Turd Sandwich?
The election is less than a month a way, and you can't turn on a TV in Nebraska without seeing the face of either Pete Ricketts or Ben Nelson. Millions of dollars are being spent on attack ads that give you that warm, fuzzy feeling that only public displays of hypocrisy can elicit. Ricketts is the millionaire CEO of Ameritrade, Nelson is the millionaire incumbant and former Governor of Nebraska. Either way, we're getting a millionaire who will likely be a whore for special interests. Nebraskans are being forced to make a decision that many men at the Bunny Ranch in Nevada have struggled with: which whore do you want?
Nelson is barely a Democrat, but he's the closest thing to a Democrat that could get elected in a conservative stronghold like Nebraska. In most states, Nelson would be considered a moderate conservative at best. Ricketts is a bit of a political unknown, but if the early debates between the two candidates and Ricketts position statements on his website are any indication, Ricketts makes Trent Lott look progressive. Ricketts doesn't really have any views that could be considered moderate, whichs is a check against him in my book.
Both candidates have attack ads about how the other guy didn't pay their property taxes, and the facts support both candidates assertions. Both Ricketts and Nelson applied for and received significant property tax breaks, as millionaires have a tendency to do, regardless of their political party. Loyal supporters of both candidates will try to argue with you about tax structure or how both candidates earned their money honestly, so they should get to keep it, but it essentially boils down to the fact that both guys know how to work the system. And if you were in their shoes, you would do the same thing. People who say they wouldn't are liars.
At this point, I am going to reluctantly vote for Nelson. Ricketts comes across as a millionaire conservative tool, because he is. You could pull his platform right off the GOP website, and he obviously will tow the party line if elected. While Nelson is not really a Democrat, aside from his membership to the party, at least his political decisions aren't dictated by his party. I respect this a little bit, since the political process often gets bogged down in partisanship on both sides, and at least Nelson isn't a rubber stamp for his party, as Ricketts would obviously be.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Evanescence Sucks Worse than Texas

Where her nose once was, a pop sensation exists instead.
Fall is always the best time of year for music lovers, like myself. Deftones have a new album coming out on Halloween that is being praised as being more like Adrenaline and Around the Fur, two of the greatest albums of all time. The Killers, My Chemical Romance, and Beck all have new albums coming out in the next few weeks. Unfortunately, Evanescence also has a new album The Open Door.
When I first heard Evanescence on the radio several years ago, I wondered how anyone could listen to a lead screamer who sounded like a 14 year-old on the rag with lyrics that make Creed seem multi-dimensional. I thought "Certainly, no one will buy this crap." And when people don't buy crap, record companies find different crap to pawn off on us as music, I write on my blog, and the cycle continues. It seemed perfect.
Except for one detail. Evanescence went like do-deca-hepta-platinum, and today, their follow-up album is released. Anyone unfortunate enough to have radio reception where they live has heard the new single about how the lead singer's boyfriend is a drunk who only calls when he wants to tap that freaky white ass. For a minute, I thought one of my ex-girlfriends had started a crappy band, but even my ex-girlfriends, who are categorically crazy skanks, would not listen to this band.
Evanescence is a perfect example of why popular music sucks. Bands like One Side Zero are completely original and amazing and write songs that are dinstguishable not only from songs on their current album, but also are distinguishable from the songs they have released on other albums. Yet, has anyone aside from Lord Bling and the Shelfo twins heard of One Side Zero? Bands like The Fray, Evanescence and Creed should give this a shot. They might not make as much money, but there would be that much less ear pollution to go on the Gray's Anatomy Soundtrack Volume 47.
Currently, Evanescence The Open Door is the number one selling album on Amazon.com. And Americans try to argue that we don't have shitty taste in music? Right.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Goddammit I hate Texas (and other random tangential crap)

I know, I know. I haven't posted much lately. I could lie and say that my social calendar has been booked, but I think you know better. I also haven't felt inspired enough. Well, sometimes all it takes is to read a thing like this.

Fucking Texas. I flip Ryan shit all the time for living in Nebraska, but other than having easier access to major sporting events and concerts, Texas isn't any better. Seriously. These fucking hicks want to ban a book about the burning of books .... because of the language in it. Honestly, I haven't read much of the bible, but what I did read contained more drinking and violence than Bill O'Reilly's fictional doorstop.

So let's assume you didn't get a lot of book-learnin' in skuul. You don't even have to read the article. Just look at the picture of them. The worldwide stereotype of the ignorant overweight American continues. Terrorism doesn't scare me; that stereotype is the real reason why I'm afraid to travel abroad. I don't want to go through customs in another country and have to say, "Yes, actually, most Americans ARE lazy, overweight, ignorant fucks." If you don't believe the stereotype exists, all you have to do is spend 15 minutes with the PSP game called 'Loco Roco'. Don't just write it off as one of those quirky Japanese games, take a closer look. You control a blob that eats, and gets bigger. The world it lives in is in danger of being destroyed, but so what? The blob needs to eat as much as it can, to get as big as it can.

They even colored him yellow, like the yellow ribbon magnets I see on every other vehicle in this state. You know, the ones that WEREN'T EVEN FUCKING MADE IN THIS COUNTRY. Why didn't they just make that blob drive a Ford F-350 dualie with a gun rack in the back window and a bumper sticker of Calvin pissing on an Arab?

(takes a deep breath)

Whew, sorry. Okay, where was I? Book ban, right. Got it. So what makes this worse is I actually have to travel to Conroe for work in about two weeks. I'm thinking of bringing my new copy of Fahrenheit 451 with me on the flight. You know, the one with all the bad words in it.