Thursday, October 20, 2005

Ode to the Minnesota Vikings (and their obnoxious fans)

The Love Boat Starring Onterrio Smith's Naked Ass
Maybe it's because I live in the Midwest and because I happen to live close to Minneapolis. Maybe it's because Minnesota Vikings fans are among the most obnoxious people I have ever encountered. Either way, I can't say I'm too disappointed with how the season has gone for those purple-clad morons from the north. This season for the Vikings, or Viqueens as I often refer to them, has provided more drama than anything the Real World Austin could have ever dreamed of.
The season started the same way as most good Greek tragedies: great expectations and high hopes. Pre-season rankings from both and, among other sports authorities, put the Vikings near the top of the entire league and certainly atop the weakest division in the NFL, the NFC North. Despite the loss of their top wide receiver, Randy Moss, the consensus was that the Vikings were headed for the Playoffs, at least.
Speaking of Randy Moss, the next time I hear a Vikings fan say that the team is better without Randy Moss or use the Raiders as an example of how crappy Randy Moss is, they're going to get a Size 5 shoe up their asses.
The Viking's problems run so much deeper than not having Randy Moss. First and foremost, they suck at playing football. The defense gave up 28 points to a Kyle Orton-led Chicago Bears offense last week. That's the same Bears offense that had a previous high score of 21, against Detroit, in a game where the other QB threw 5 interceptions.
People can talk all they want about Mike Tice's Super Bowl ticket scandle, the Sex Party Boat Ride, or the original whizzinator. While all of those things are embarrassing, they don't change the fact that your team sucks. Controversial things like that happen all the time in sports, and it doesn't stop teams from winning, unless, like the Vikings, they suck at their respective sport. Ray Lewis was charged with murder during some very successful runs for the Baltimore Ravens, something tells me a good team can make it through a sex party and apparent drug use by a fourth-string running back.
Despite all of this, Vikings fans remain faithful to their team, which would be honorable, if they weren't so stupid about it. Example: I was discussing the terrible season that the Vikings were having with one of their diehard fans, and he still holds out hope that the Vikings can win their division. This is the equivalent of hoping Santa Claus will come to visit you after you move out of your parents' house.
I'll admit that the NFC North is the worst division in the NFL, hands down. It will be a fight to the finish to see who sucks the least and gets an obligatory spot in the Playoffs. When it comes down to which team will win the division, it's like comparing turds and how they taste: it's all shit. Despite that, I will pick the Chicago Bears to win the division, since they actually have a decent defense. Detroit has a headcase at QB and are the only team the Vikings have beaten this year. Green Bay lost half of its offensive line, its star receiver, and has an old headcase at QB. Chicago is not a great team, but they will suck the least in the long run, and will be a nice first round bye for whatever lucky NFC team draws them in the playoffs.
To all you Viking fans out there, I would say that there's always next year's draft, but there are so many problems with your team, that it's going to take a lot of years of drafts to fix those problems. There's always hope in free agency as well, if your brand new owner weren't so cheap and terribly bad at it. I know, I know, Yuri Valishnikov or whatever former European Hockey star is the new owner is better than old Red McCombs, but that's not saying a whole lot. Good thing the NHL is back this year, because otherwise it would a long winter in Minnesota.

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