Thursday, September 07, 2006

Are you ready for some football?

Can you say MVP?

There's probably not a better day of the year as far as I'm concerned than Opening Day of the NFL season. I mean it. Christmas usually involves a lot more travel and a lot less relaxation than any one of us would probably opt for. College football season almost always starts out with weak match-ups and blow-outs, although I'm looking forward to a great game between Ohio State at Texas this weekend. Predicting the outcome of an NFL season is always difficult. Teams that are supposed to be quality, self-destruct (anyone remember how many people picked the Viqueens to win the NFC North last year, before the boat/sex/party?). Knees and Achilles tendons explode. Teams that are supposed to finish last in their division, can make it to the AFC Championship game (The DENVER BRONCOS). It's literally anybody's guess what might happen.

Until now. I am going to offer my predictions on the season. We'll revisit them at the end of the season and see how I did (something that more reputable sports analysts would never do).

5) The Pittsburgh Steelers will beat the Miami Dolphins tonight in the season opening game, but will not return to the Super Bowl. Hear me now and listen to me later, everyone and their donkey thinks that Miami is going to be hot like the cars in the Baltimore Ravens' player parking lot. Miami will have a good season, but people are giving Dante Culpepper way too many reacharounds already. Let's see what he can do BEFORE felating him in every season preview. The Steelers' defense is going to be dominating tonight. And I hate the Steelers.

4) Ring Ring Ring...Kansas City Chiefs are in for a wake-up call - Not only will Larry "I stole my name from a basketball player" Johnson NOT rush for 2000 yards this season, but the Cheats will finish last in the AFC West, which is a bold statement considering they'll have to pry that out the the San Diego Chargers and Toakland Raiders cold, dead hands. Herm Edwards runs to most boring offense in the league, and he doesn't have the brass balls that cry-baby Dick Vermeil did (remember the Raiders' game at Arrowhead last year?)

3) Shaun Alexander breaks the Madden curse We've all heard it. Michael Vick, Donovan McNabb and others are among its victims. However, Shaun Alexander is a badass, and while the Seahawks won't be back in the Super Bowl either, expect another stellar year from Alexander.

2) Chicago Bears come up short I think the Bears will win the NFC North Division easily. However, the playoffs are never a good place for a team with Brian Greise as their best option at Quarterback. Sorry, Super Fans, there's always your favorite saying, which is "There's always next year."

1) Carolina vs. Indy in the Super Bowl - Carolina is everybody's NFC favorite for the Super Bowl, and I will jump on that bandwagon until someone gives me a reason to think otherwise. Indy was a shoestring tackle by Ben "I don't need no stinking helmet" Rotlessburgers and a missed field goal by Mike Vanderjackoff from being in the Super Bowl last year, and I don't care who the running back is, the Colts are going to the big show this year.

Check back with me in January to see how I did.


Miles said...

If there have been any contants in the NFL the last few years, it has been this: The Madden curse ALWAYS works; Indy ALWAYS chokes, and I ALWAYS hate the fucking Denver Broncos. To claim that any team will finish below any team that starts Aaron Brooks at QB automatically invalidates any other bold predictions. And by 'bold', I mean way to go out on a limb and make the Super Bowl pick that everyone and their mother is making. I mean for god sakes, be a man and go with Texans v. Cardinals in the Super Bowl, or Buffalo v. 49ers. That is a solid prediction. Those are ones I can get behind.
Oh, Willie Roaf only played in half of Larry Johnson's 9 start, 1750 yard season, so I think he's going to be alright. I don't think he is going to get 2000 yards, but I think 1970 and 25 TD's isn't beyond the realm of possibility. The Griefs go 10-6, Donks 11-5, both make the playoffs, but both teams go down to the Cleveland Browns, who ride Kellen Winslow Jr and his fellow Soldiers all they was to the Bowl where they meet heartbreak at the hands of the New Orleans Taints. Reggie Bush gets his in running for a super bowl record 432 yards, and New Orleans is vindicated and Ray Nagin drowns himself in hot chocolate. Bam! Beat that, bitch!

Ryan the Angry Midget said...

Unlike you, I was hoping that my prognostications might actually have half a chance of occurring. If I just wanted to make an off-the-wall prediction for the sake of being BOLD, I would have picked the Cheats to win the Super Bowl, and for Dick Vermeil to grow a pair of testicles, but those two things will never happen. I'm sorry being a Cheats fan has deprived you of the satisfaction of even playing in a Super Bowl, let alone winning one, but as a Denver Broncos fan let me tell you that admitting you have a crappy football team is the first step in the recovery process.

Lord Bling said...


Lord Bling said...

Oh, and on another note, I'm glad Plummer played like he did. We're just that much closer to Cutler coming in and playing like he's capable. He has the tools; he just needs the playing time.

Lord Bling said...


Number 3 was WAY off. :)