Saturday, September 30, 2006

Parents Just Don't Understand

Fortunately for the rest of the planet, my wife and I don't have kids. At least that's what courts in Colorado and Wyoming decided based on the paternity tests. Don't get too excited, though. As far as I know, we're both equipped, and I'm not lucky enough to dodge that bullet. We are, however, in the age range, where many of our friends are pumping out babies like China. I have to say, we're pretty damn good friends in the respect that we babysit when asked, and we like kids. This post is not about the kids. Kids are great, as long as they belong to somebody else.

When people have kids, I am convinced that the neurotransmitter that controls fun, as well as the ones that give people perspective are severely alterred. If I have another friend with kids who tells me I don't understand what it's like to have kids, I am going to run for Nebraska State Legislature on a forced steralization platform. They're right, I don't know what it's like to have kids. You know why I don't know, because I made a decision a long time ago that if I was going to have kids, it wasn't going to be for a long time.

I don't know what it's like to have kids, yet. But my friends with kids already will never know what it's like to be in their late 20s without having kids. Here's are some other things they don't seem to understand.

People without kids don't care about what percentile rank your child happens to be in height and weight. Unless your kid is 45 pounds at 18 months-old, does it really matter? And then I'll probably just pinch those incredibly chubby cheeks. You're not a mad scientist, you didn't control how your kid's genes were expressed. Get over your fat little bastard.

Having kids doesn't mean you have to abandon fun. If I had a dollar for everytime a friend with kids used their kids as an excuse not to do something social, I wouldn't need to second job to pay for my drinking problem. It's not like I'm asking them to road trip to Guadalajara and inject heroin directly into their necks. We're talking going to the bar and having a beer. Those of you with kids who still do this stuff are models for the rest of society.

Don't treat people without kids like there's no possible way they can understand what kids are like. When people have kids, they act like suddenly as the afterbirth was leaving the vagina, knowledge of children that only parents can have was suddenly imparted. I work with kids and the best parents I know are the ones who don't act like people without kids can't possibly know anything about kids.

We've all had sex. Some of us were just smart enough to take the proper precautions.


Lord Bling said...

I'm glad someone else out there 'gets' it. Many of those I know who had children either do it because they feel their parents didn't love them, but by golly, this child is gonna love them! Either that, or it's an accessory, much like Paris Hilton's dog.

I no longer even call them children. The word of the day is:


Miles said...

This is a tricky one for me because I've only been a parent for about six weeks, and I'm one of the first of my social group to have children, but know of the kind of friends you speak of. All I can say so far about parenting is that everyone thinks they know something about raising children when infact they don't know anything.

Offering up feelings on what its like to have a kid or to see him or her for the first time bothers me. My feelings are unique to me, and something I wouldn't necessarily want to share with anyone, because its an emotion one really can't describe. If you have children, I will only vaguely know how you feel only because I will have similar experience trying to wade through all the nervousness and anxiety to come up with a word to match the feelings.

The stupidest thing I encountered in my time leading up to parenthood was the ever present, "Are you excitied?" Apparently, not shouting your feelings from a rooftop or not decorating your cubicle with sonogram wallpaper means you are devoid of human emotion when it comes to the inpending birth of a child. I got this all the time, and the real answer is, "No". I wasn't excitied. I was terrified. Still am to an extent.

Having a child should only mean that from time to time, you may have to stay in as opposed to going out, and that you have to pony up an extra $20 to pay the babysitter while you go to a movie. It shouldn't change who you are, except for the better. Its something I wouldn't wish for on anyone, but am glad it happened to me.

Lord Bling said...

So, you can save yourself $20 this Friday and play Halo 2 online with NIN and me....

Ryan the Angry Midget said...

Word Miles. Word.

FYI - keep you kid away from Lord Bling at all costs. Next thing you know, pictures of him pissing into the gutter of a busy intersection in Greeley, Colorado will be posted on t-shirts. It happened to someone I know, who used to be a baby once too. Someone named Ryan....

CowboyLaw said...

Most people know I'm on the Midget's bus on this issue.

Miles, if you bring a screaming carpet lizard to a restaurant where I'm innocently trying to drown my depair in wine and fatty meat, I'll stalk you in the parking lot.

I mean, I love you man, but love only goes so far. And sharing my vino and porterhouse with a screaming alien is about where it ends.