Thursday, February 15, 2007

The Greatest and Best Disaster Preparedness Plan in the Universe

And then we'll hit Best Buy and Car Toys....

The Department of Homeland Security wants me to be prepared for a disaster. Hurricanes, pandemic flu outbreaks, terrorist attacks, you know, all the things the Bush Administration is terrible at dealing with. They even have the website to help me to prepare for a disaster.

Here's a link to a checklist that we should all complete to help us in the event of a disaster. You'll notice the kit doesn't tell you to get a personal firearm. I don't own a gun currently, but I think that a gun and a box of shells is about the only disaster preparedness kit I need.

The fact is that you don't need to stockpile food and batteries and flashlights, because none of those things will protect you from terrorism or a super virus or a hurricane. The whole idea of disaster preparedness is what Tyler Durden would refer to as the "Illusion of Safety". The best actual way to prepare for a disaster is to develop what I call your "Plan that maps out which stores you will loot when all hell breaks loose." Homeland Security won't endorse my plan, but I can tell you that it's as good a bet as drawing a map for your kids. You want to help little Timmy survive the next zombie attack or Chinese invasion? Teach him how to use a chainsaw.


J.J. said...

Instead of being so dumbass flippant about it, you'd be better off doing at the very least what the brochure you linked to suggests. If everybody did that, there would be no need for guns and looting. It's not much preparation to ask and it won't cost an arm and a leg. Try to be part of the solution instead of part of the problem.


Ryan the Angry Midget said...


Get a life. You're probably the same guy that ran out and bought plastic wrap and duct tape to cover your windows when Tom Ridge suggested that.

The problem is that people like you believe that preparations like this will actually help you in the event of a disaster or terrorist attack. In reality, which is where I spend a good part of my time, the best preparation against disasters and terrorist attacks is to have a federal government that doesn't hire the head of the Arabian Horse Association to head up FEMA.

You can't prevent these things from happening, and you're delusional to think that following this checklist will save your life when I show up at your house with my posse and a chainsaw.

Get a sense of humor, next time you're out at the Home Depot with your Homeland Security Checklist.

CampBlood said...

LMFAO!!! I'll stick to my Zombie Survival Guide....

CowboyLaw said...

I agree with the Midget, except for one key deviation. My disaster plan is knowing the quickest route back to my family's ranch in the middle of BFE. If civilization ends, I'll flee there, because civilization never existed there in the first place, so there will be little perceptible impact. Plus, there are about 30 guns and countless thousands of rounds of ammo in my parents' house, so we can pretty much fend off attacks from anything but armor columns.

In the runup to New Year's, 1999/2000, I carefully considered how I would get out of Minneapolis and back to the ranch if the world did, indeed, melt down. I had a full tank of gas in my car that day and a wallet full of cash. That's a good disaster plan.

By the way, I am pleased to see that officials from the Department of Homeland Security read the blog. Welcome friends! Try not to drink too much of the Kool-Aid they serve where you work.

ptg said...

Ryan, don't forget to make a list of neighbors you should kill immediately. They might have weapons and a plan to take your stuff after you do all the looting work. You know which ones.

Cowboy, Cash is nice, but in a real catastrophe, its value will disappear quickly. Some say a few small gold coins are good. I suggest cigarettes, coffee and .22 cartridges for post apocalyptic currency.

Never live "one tank of gas" away from a major city. In a disaster, thousands of fear-crazed idiots will run out of gas just as they reach your place.