Tuesday, February 06, 2007

I want to be an astronaut when I grow up

What if you went to bed with this...

and woke up next to this

I learn something new it seem like each and every day. What I learned today was that you should never, ever take an astronaut home from your local bar. For one thing, it's obvious that NASA must have some completely superior beer goggle camera technology in order to pull off that first photo above. Despite the fact that both pictures are of astronaut Lisa Nowak, the bottom one looks like one of those "Don't use meth" billboard pictures.

The story, for those of you who live in a cave in West Virginia (there's your shout out, Steve), is that Lisa Nowak fell in love with fellow hunky astronaut and certified sex machine William Oefelein. Sounds like the makings of a fantastic love story that if it were made into a movie would star Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Problem number one is that Nowak is married to another guy (could be played by Tom Arnold) and has three kids (cast Dakota Fanning, the fat red-headed freckle-face kid from Sandlot, and that satanic little girl from the Welch's grape juice ads).

Oefelein, by the way, is like the world's master pimp. He's single and an astronaut. I bet his astronaut suit has the word PLAYA printed on it. He hooked up with every female astronaut in one weekend at the International Space Station, even the Russian cosmonaut who completely looks like a dude.

Problem number two is that Nowak decided to drive to Orlando from her home in Houston to confront Oefelein's non-astronaut girlfriend before her flight to Houston. The details of the story from this point are hilarious. I'll let the NYtimes.com take this part:

"Nowak raced from Houston to Orlando wearing diapers so she wouldn't have to stop to urinate, authorities said.Astronauts wear diapers during launch and re-entry."

I wish I would have been wearing diapers when I read that part of the story, because I laughed so hard, I almost dropped a deuce. The next time they show the astronauts taking the walk of glory to the space shuttle, I'll just be thinking "They're all wearing Huggies with leak-guard."

Nowak confronted the woman at the Orlando airport and sprayed her with pepper spray, while the woman hid in her vehicle. The woman called police, and Nowak was arrested. The creepy part of the story:

"During a check of the parking lot, an officer followed Nowak and watched her throw away a bag containing the wig and BB gun. They also found a steel mallet, a 4-inch folding knife, rubber tubing, $600 and garbage bags inside a bag Nowak was carrying when she was arrested, authorities said."

I'm not sure they sell a body dismemberment and disposal kit down at the Home Depot, but if they did, I'm fairly certain that the Deluxe Edition would include all of the items that police found in Nowak's possession.

The moral of this story is that you should not, under any circumstances, date an astronaut, unless you're ready for his jealous astronaut girlfriend to attempt to abduct you and kill you at your local airport.


Lord Bling said...

And yet, kids all over America will still say, "I wanna be an astronaut when I grow up!"

CampBlood said...

I heard about this on the radio this morning & almost died laughing. So much for the upholding of role models for children. The other lady is lucky she is still in one piece. My friend The Deacon & I were laughing because he said that the items the astro-nut was carrying are very similar to his "Friday Night Date Kit." LOL

warm_machine said...

The news is usually just more of the same 'ol, same 'ol, but then something like this pops up! It really doesn't get much better than this. With before and after mugshot goodness too! =D