What's going on in there?

I know it's been a long time since I've posted. Between school and work and travel for work and school, I have no free time. I am writing this while sitting in the DC airport (still can't call it Reagan, sorry). You're wondering about the picture, right?

It dawned on me the other day while I was dropping the kids off at the pool in a public restroom how hilarious it is that we attempt to downplay our activities when we use a public restroom. As if other guys have no idea what we're doing in there. Guys, in particular, only hit the stall in a public restroom for one reason: you have a big brown dog barking at your back door, and you need to let him out. Why is it then that it sounds like people are trying to take the quietest shit ever? It's not a library. It's the one place in public that you can shit and not spend a night in jail (aside from the I-80 overpass at 72nd street in Omaha and LordBling's front porch).

My new policy is to let the shit explosion commence. No more coy public restroom behavior. I pity the guys in adjacent bathrooms stalls. They're going to think I'm kick-starting a Harley. The walls will shake. I'm done pulling my cheeks apart (a.k.a the silencer) to lessen the acoustic ramifications of my pooping. Join the revolution!

The self-loathing Japanese girl?

I'm not sure if you're familiar with a video game franchise called 'Hot Shots Golf,' but I'll assume for a minute that you aren't. It's a Sony franchise that started in the late 90's on the original Playstation, and has had multiple iterations on the PS1, PS2, PSP, and now, on the PS3. It's made in Japan, and it shows in the quirky style of character design and dialog.

I've played every version in the series, so I'd consider myself a pretty big fan. However, when I played the new PS3 version, I wasn't expecting to hear anything like THIS (note -- HD version is down at the moment, but the SD version works):



Yes, the caddie is a Japanese girl. Yes, she's standing on the right of the green. And yes, you heard her say 'A slope to the right!' at 1:04.

In the game, every time the green rolls to the right, this particular caddy says, 'A slope to the right!' If it rolls left, she says, 'It goes left!' Note that she doesn't say, 'A slope to the left!' because she's not standing on the left. Also note that the other caddies I've unlocked so far don't say this. Also note that the other caddies I've unlocked so far aren't supposed to be Japanese.

So I guess the question is, 'Is this exact dialog in the original Japanese version too? Is this a bad translation issue by a racist (or at the very least, mischevious) American? Or is it just another case of 'Engrish'?'

What not to expect when you're expecting

So our friend Miles and his wife are expecting their second child. I could take this time to make 'Pull the fuck out!' comments, or maybe even things like, 'They make rubbers for a reason.' Or maybe 'How much Rohypnol did it take?' I could even stoop so low as to make a Falcon Punch comment. But I wouldn't do anything that low. Not to a friend of the site!

I don't have children. I hope to God, Allah, and every other supreme being that I never do. But I realize that procreation is important for the continuation of the human race, so I wanted to take this time to share a bit of parenting wisdom with Miles (or to any of you who are planning on turning a woman's egg into a zygote in the near future):

Unless you want to explain the following pictures to your children:
























.... don't ask me to babysit.

How slow of a news cycle is it today? And since when did MySpace become a news source?

No one here has yet weighed in on New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer's shameful resignation. I'll do so now, but I'll make it quick: The guy trashed video games like Grand Theft Auto for their portrayal of violence and prostitution, and then he gets busted with a whore. I don't know how much more needs to be said about that. But it must be a slow news cycle, because even though the story is as dead as Saddam, look who's on the front page of CNN.com!


Why, it's the prostitute who would've been his 'escort!' She was in court on MONDAY, and today is Thursday, but the media is still milking this for all it's worth (no pun intended). She didn't say much to the press, so what do they do? They quote her MySpace page (which I won't link to ... I hate that fucking site). Who is that desperate to know about a whore who almost blew the governor? I read it to make sure I wasn't missing anything, and I'll save you, dear readers, the trouble of doing the same. She came from an abusive, broken home, and went to the city to make it big. Now, she's a whore. Not exactly Pulitzer Prize material.

Sorry, CNN. Fox News has this on their front page too, but do you really want to be like them? Spitzer resigned. She's a complete nobody. The story is over. Dead. Let it go.

Now THIS is a hockey fight.

Who is Robert Orben, and why is he so quotable?

Every time I log into Gmail, they have some news headline or famous quote at the top of the Inbox. Typically, they try to tie it in to a word in an e-mail you've received, which is a little too Orwellian for my taste. But this morning, it had the following:

Funny Quote of the Day - Robert Orben - "Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected."

I did a double-take. Who the fuck is Robert Orben, and why is he so smart? So I did something I wouldn't normally recommend: I clicked the link. And I was glad I did. Here are some other winners:

"A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success."

"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian."

"Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!"

"Do your kids a favor - don't have any."

I have to think this guy is related to the Angry Midget. Ryan, do you have a family tree you can post?

Who Knew????

If I would have had any idea that his wife looked like this I would have thrown my support behind his presidential candidacy bid. Maybe I've been living under a rock, but I had no idea that a little squirelly looking guy like Dennis Kucinich was married to a tall, attractive woman who could probably have her pick of men. He must have something special, and maybe it's something we should have in our next president.

Yet another reason why the world hates us...

While we were sleeping last night, our government fired missles in Somalia at a 'known terrorist target.' Did we get the 'terrorists?' No one knows. Did we kill some civilians? You betcha. But hey, as long as they aren't white, it's okay. Somalia is in Africa, right? So, they all have AIDS already, so it's no big deal?


And these weren't just any old terrorists either. They were East African Al-Qaeda terrorists, to be exact. How many branches of Al-Qaeda are there? A quick search of Wikipedia says there are dozens. More importantly, if there was a branch found here in America, would they fire missles on it? My guess is they would if it were found in Harlem or Compton...