Monday, September 28, 2009

Kill Your TV

I don't want to sound like a bad 80s standup comic, but what the fuck is wrong with TV? Allow me to present two columns of TV shows:

Futurama_______________________King of Queens
Family Guy______________________Everybody Loves Raymond
Robot Chicken____________________The Bill Engval Show
Mad Men_______________________ Gossip Girl
Code Monkeys____________________Two and a Half Men

[BTW, why don't they have Cntrl+Tab functionality in this text editor?]
[BTBTW, why won't this recognize spaces? Why must it fight me? Why must it make my beautiful two-column presentation so ugly? Why must my life be so filled with tiny hardships and aggrevations that make me want to murder people?]

One column is full of innovative, funny, cutting edge shows. The other column contains shows that actually suck the soul out of your body, shatter it with the soul equivalent of a crab cracker, and suck the soul-marrow out of it while making wet chittering noises like the Old Gods. One column contains shows that have been produced steadily for several years. The other column contains exclusively shows that either have been cancelled or that have been on the cusp of cancellation one or more times.

No need to belabor the point, I know you follow me. But, knowing that, follow this reasoning for a second:

1. the readers of this blog are all smart and somewhat sophisticated;
2. we are not utterly alone in this universe, i.e., there ARE other smart people in the country;
3. all of us work for a living;
4. it is possible for large corporations to pay us aboveground swimming pools fully of cash to help them make smart decisions;
5. all TV is made by large corporations;
6. and yet, America's Next Top Model is on, like, season 14 or some shit like that.

Did you see how, at the end, reasoning grabbed the wheel of its 1979 Cadillac El Dorado and swerved it off a cliff and into the shark-infested waters below? Did anyone else find this strange?

And don't give me all that P. T. Barnum "nobody ever lost money underestimating the intelligence of the average American" crap either. Because the #1 problem for network television is that their market share has shrunk EVERY SINGLE YEAR, for over a decade. Remember, when The Daily Show first started saying it was broadcast from World News Headquarters, they were KIDDING. Does anyone even bat an eye at that claim anymore? This falling viewership costs them tons of money, so don't pretend they don't care.

And so, here is the reality that logic inescapably leads us to:

1. Network TV viewership is dropping faster than knickers in a Catholic rectory;
2. This has been true for over a decade;
3. This costs the large corporations who run network TV dumptruck loads of the very money their executives need to fuel their coke and whores addiction;
4. Over the last decade, network TV has, if anything, become even more vapid and despicable;
5. This has done nothing to stem the tide of disgusted viewers fleeing network TV like rats leaving an infected-needle-rusty-spoon-rum-fueled-rape-ship;
6. Indeed, the decline has intensified every year;
7. But yet, network TV continues to get worse.

Sherlock Holmes said that, once you eliminate the impossible, the remainder, however unlikely, is the truth. It cannot be that networks don't care. It cannot be that networks are incapable of hiring people who understand the points raised herein. It cannot be that networks are unable to actually put on good shows, because they occasionally do. The only remaining explanation, therefore, is that network TV executives operate on the same principles that governed Star Trek: The Next Generation, Episode 1-24 ["Conspiracy"]. For those of you too lazy to click, I can summarize thusly: aliens have replaced all major executive, and run the networks for their own creepy, insect-eating purposes.

In closing, you may disagree with my conclusion, but you MUST admit that my conclusion is JUST AS REASONABLE as any other explanation.


Ryan the Angry Midget said...

How else can you explain the return of the 80s cult TV experience know only as "V", where a race of aliens pose as humans. This show is coming back this year. I think it's a message in support of your theory.

CowboyLaw said...

One of my earliest childhood TV-watching memories is of the alien baby being born on V. My parents made me look away.

That and the Zinger Bandit. And the spiraling "CBS Special!" logo.

Ah, childhood. Which I define as the part of my life before I starting drinking heavily.