Sunday, November 28, 2004

Behind Enemy Lines....

Home Sweet Home

Thanks to echo_doctor for sending me this map. I modified it slightly to reflect an upcoming event. As you can see from the map above, I am in the process of relocating from my blue heaven in Washington to a state many people refer to as Big Red, and not just because of the large Scottish women you meet while you're there.

Because of some developments related to my day job, and my wife's career (just kidding, she's really a clown also), we're heading in to the heart of the Republican stronghold known widely as the Midwest. I have included a link in the title of this posting, if you're interested in learning more about the Cornhusker State.

If you're not interested in learning more about Nebraska, fuck off. What makes Nebraska such a great place is that people like you don't live there, Mr. or Ms.-I'm-too-good-to-learn-about-places-I've-never-visited. I bet people hate the place you live, because you're there. I know I don't plan on moving there, unless you plan on leaving, of course.

People who haven't visited Omaha or only drove through Nebraska while their parents were on a coke-fueled killing spree, often comment about how boring it seems, or how there must not be much to do there. HA! I'll have you know that there a literally hundreds of bars, like the Dundee Dell or McFly's Center Street Tavern. If you don't like drinking beer, you probably might be happier in Utah or at the bottom of a mine shaft, where I hear that it's difficult to get a cold beer. Not in Omaha, though.

As if the abundance of conservatives and cold winters weren't enough reason to drink heavily, Omaha also hosts the College World Series every June. If nice weather, baseball, and cool people who like to party from all over the country (I have an entirely new appreciation for LSU Tiger fans after the 2003 series) aren't your cup of tea, then you'd probably be better off hanging around your local quilting festival or the local beekeepers association meeting.

I will miss Washington, and the abundance of liberal and progressive thinkers that I have met here. I will not miss the weather, the traffic, or the lack of quality football and hockey teams. If you're missing the NHL, you need to check out US or Canadian Junior Hockey or US College Hockey. These kids play hard, fight often, kick each other's asses and love the game. Those are all things that are lacking in the NHL, and Omaha hosts both a college and US Junior Hockey team.

I'm sure now you're all wishing you could move to Omaha too, but I checked for jobs for you, and they're not hiring jackasses and douchebags in Omaha right now. They sent all those jobs to Texas and Florida because of the abundant labor pool in those fields.

So, next time you're walking around your city thinking that it's the best in the country, think again. Omaha might not seem cool to you, but that's only because you suck and you're too lame to appreciate it.


Lord Bling said...

Dude, face it. Omaha sucks almost as much as Texas.

Anonymous said...

I will be forwarding a copy of your post to the Mayor of Omaha, Mike. I'm on my way to McFly's anyway so I'll print off a copy and hand it to him with a fresh beer. Can't wait to have you both home! -ER

Anonymous said...

Thank you Angry Midget for making me realize that living in Omaha isn't so bad. I could live with out the snow and cold and "The Husker Nation" (who are curiously quite lately), but damn, I do love the McFly's and the Dell. - KB