Wedding Anniversary

As difficult as it may be for some people, including my friends and relatives, to believe, my first wedding anniversary is coming up this weekend. I told you guys she wouldn't leave. Mister Bling even owes me $50.

In looking for a gift for my wife, I discovered that each subsequent anniversary has a THEME for the kind of gift you're supposed to get for each other. Who knew? Looking into this issue further, I discovered that the gift ideas were completely lame. No wonder the divorce rate is so damned high. You give me paper for my first anniversary, we're getting a divorce. I got a whole fucking pile of paper on my desk at work. How about these alternatives:

1st Anniversary: (Traditional - Paper): Nothing says I won't have sex with anyone else this year like a Plasma TV. Preferable something more than 42".

2nd Anniversary: (Traditional - Cotton): What, like Q-tips or a flannel bathing suit? Seriously. After two years of marriage, a Home Theatre set-up would go nicely with last year's plasma.

3rd: (Traditional - Leather): Unless you're into bondage or dressing like David Hassellhoff, the leather anniversary needs rethinking. Midgets love go-carts, and I am no exception. Nothing less than 40 horsepower, either.

4th: (Traditional -Fruit/Flowers): Does this seem out of place to anyone else? You manage to make it 4 years with the same vagina, day in and day out, and you get a fruit basket? I suppose you could always throw in a cantelope to have sex with, but I'm thinking 4 years should be the motorcycle anniversary.

5th: (Traditional - Wood): Wow! You beat out the statistical average for length of marriage and I purchased a nice box of toothpicks and a lumberjack costume. How about reinstating blow jobs? That's a gift of wood if I wouldn't mind giving repeatedly.

The list goes on, but let's face it, who really stays married for 5 years anyway? And if you do manage to keep it all together, who needs some Congress of rich assholes to tell you what kind of gift is appropriate? My advice for a happy marriage: avoid children, lots of drinking, and go carts. And you thought Dr. Phil was the relationship master.