With apologies to those who thought of this earlier and do a better job of it, The Angry Midget Blog hereby presents CowboyLaw checks his email.
Subject: CONGRADULATIONS YOU
My first email is from the “UK Lottery.” The “UK Lottery” tell me that “We are happily announce to you the draw (#994) of the UK NATIONAL LOTTERY….” You would think that English people would be better at english. But that’s another issue. The email goes on to tell me that the big prize “is yet to be unclaimed and you are getting the final NOTIFICATION as regards this.” At first, I thought this was another typo, but now I think it may be the author’s attempt at dark humor: it’s literally true---the prize is not “unclaimed.” The email also notes that “Our European agent will immediately commence the process to facilitate the release of your funds as soon as you contact him.” Okay, I’m ready to contact your European agent. What’s his contact information? “Mr Luis Santiago, Phone number: +447031917254, Fax number: +447092867268, Official Email: email@example.com” Okay, now I have a question: why is the British national lottery’s official email address a HotMail account? I know Microsoft is taking over the world, but this seems a bit silly. Maybe in a follow-up blog post, I’ll call Mr. Santiago and find out what he wants from me. My suspicion is that he merely wants my bank routing number so he can wire funds to my account.
Subject: Where are you?
Sender: Ralph Myers (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Yes, this is one of those emails that attempts to trick you with an ambiguous subject line. I get these all the time: “Why don’t you respond to my email?” “I saw you the other day” “I know it’s been a long time” “We’re suspending your account for fraud” “Your mom is sick” “Your mom is in the hospital” “Please come visit your mom during her final days” “Your mom’s funeral is Saturday”. I mean, really, I’ve seen them all. Also, I don’t know many Dutch guys (P.S.: the one Dutch guy I do know is a former World’s Strongest Man contender. Ironic, no?). Once Ralphy lures me into his email, he gets straight to the point: “Are you readyy for nastyy hoousewivves?” Apparently, Dutch people like to use a lot of unnecessary consonants, vowels, and sometimes-vowels (by the way, WTF is up with Y anyway? Pick a side, Y! No more namby-pamby, Swiss-style neutrality). Ralphy’s website, http://www.tejaxorery.com, is…..actually not that bad. But it seems to be named after some combination of
Subject: Microcaps can equal Mega gains
Sender: Cornelius A. Castaneda (email@example.com)
This email did answer a burning question I’ve had for awhile: does anyone still use Lycos? Also: does anyone still name their child Cornelius? Anywho, Corny wants me to buy a lot of shares of HLV Trading, Inc. Corny tells me that, as of the day of his email (November 15) HLV Trading is selling for $0.028, and that Corny’s company, Tip Top Trading (I’m not making this up) projects a “2 - 3 Day Target Price” of $0.055. Wow! 5 and a half whole cents a share! Today (Nov. 15) 323,000 shares of HLVC were traded. If I bought as many shares as were traded today, and the stock performed as Tip Top Corny said it would, then in 2 or 3 days, I could sell that boatload of shares a realize a profit (before trading commissions) of $9,690. Assuming I could find anyone interested in buying 323,000 shares of Donkey Dung Trading Ponji Scheme, Inc. I think when Corny said that Microcaps can equal Mega gains, he was mostly thinking of his gains when he sells me his shares of Mom’s Basement Fictional Trading Enterprise, LLC. Stay tuned for updates regarding the performance of Running Cadillac Stock Brokerage and Pimpery, LLP.