Friday, December 16, 2005

Ryan's List of Bands and Artists Whose Music Sucked this Year

If you sit back and take a good look at popular music these days, things are pretty scary bad. Over the next two posts, I am going to list my least and most favorite albums of the year. Because there was so much crap to choose from, I am going to list the albums that suck first, and then, in a later installment, will list those that didn't. And then we can discuss. (Photos and savings courtesy of

Starting with -
Madonna - Confessions on a Dance Floor
I am still mad at Madonna since she ruined Guy Ritchie. One of the most promising directors in recent memory released two absolutely solid films Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998) and Snatch (2000). Shortly after the release of Snatch, he meets Slutty McGee, and features her in his next film, Swept Away, which did not involve any killing, guys named Big Chris, or bullet-time action. But, that's not the only reason this makes my list for the crapiest albums of the year. I didn't like Madonna when her music was Top 40, so needless to say, this techno shit is one of the worst albums of the year, hands down.

Nickelback - All the Right Reasons
When Nickelback released their debut album, Silver Side Up, they were merely Ok to start with. The song How I Really Am from that album, got overplayed to the point where my fat dyke college boss, whose entire CD collection consisted of those Sounds of Thunder and Lightning discs you can pick up at Bed Bath and Beyond, sang that song at work all the time. That's not Nickelback's fault, but this most recent album absolutely is their fault. The bands gone soft, and when you weren't that hard or good to begin with, this is what happens.

Lifehouse - Lifehouse (Obviously Self-titled)
Bands often come along where you're like "Man, they suck so bad, at least they're music is so boring and crappy that they'll NEVER be able to release a sophmore effort." Lifehouse was that band 5 years ago. Fast forward to right now, this self-titled piece of dogshit is now their third attempt to release the same radio-friendly experiment in boredom under a different title. Unlike Madonna, who sucks because she took her music to new places that it never should have gone, Lifehouse is guilty of counting on that endless supply of 14 year-old suburban whores to purchase the same shit year after year.

Rob Thomas - Something to Be
If it wouldn't have been for another former lead singer of one of the worst bands of all time releasing a solo album this year, Something to Be would have taken the poop cake. Even the songs from this album they play on the radio are totally weak. I can hear all the Rob Thomas afficianados out there saying "Ryan, you haven't heard the REST of the album." And to them I say "You're correct. I haven't." But just like you don't have to eat a piece of crap to know that it tastes bad, I don't have to waste my time with derived filler that is only popular because he used to be the lead singer of a crappy band. NEXT!

Scott Stapp - The Great Divide
Take one of the worst bands of all time with one of the most egomaniacal lead singers ever to pick up a mic and give him his own solo record. Not only is the music on this album worse than anything Creed managed to release, but it gets my nod for the worst album of the year. Creed was easily one of the lamest bands ever, and the biggest single downfall of the band, aside from their formulaic music and lyrics that sound like they were written by mormans, was Scott Stapp's ironic view of himself as a rock messiah. It's ironic because he the farthest thing from a good musician or artist. Don't believe me, listen to this album, and then we can talk about it.

There were numerous others that could have been listed here, but this is just the tip of the iceberg. There's a whole subsection of readers who think I'm entirely too negative, so to give those assholes the brush off, I will be making a list of the BEST albums of this year, so that you can berate my love for Neil Diamond.

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