Monday, July 24, 2006

No body says they want to work in Human Resources when they grow up

Don't you mean EAGLE Resources?

I wondered what would happen if I typed the phrase "Human Resources" into Google under images, just because I was secretly hoping that a picture of a giant turd would come up, but instead I found the above picture, which is quite amusing and probably strangely intimidating to trout or people who aren't very patriotic. The eagle means: "Don't apply for this job unless you really like America and/or birds of prey."

The reason that I was typing Human Resources into Google Images, was partly cathartic. I had a bad experience this last week with my paycheck, and it got me thinking about how ironic it is that the people in charge of screening job candidates are themselves only of limited value in terms of employment. Here are some reasons I feel this way (feel free to add your own under comments):

1) Human resources never cease to fuck things up at work. Remember that interview that you never got called back on? The expense reimbursement for your job that ended up being completely fucked up? 9 times out of 10 these problems are propogated by employees of human resources.

2) Have you ever noticed how long it takes to get hired these days? The department you applied to didn't post the job because they wanted to meet some new friends with similar career aspirations, they needed someone to work in a job, preferably in the next decade. Being completely bat-shit crazy, human resources does not understand this urgency.

3) There is a reason you can't major in "Human Resources" in college. Beacause anyone with three fingers between both hands and a bad attitude can work in Human Resources. Just like you don't need a degree to be a stripper or a donkey fluffer in Guadalajara, the skill set they're looking for in HR is more along the lines of "Do you enjoy fucking up people's tax withholdings because you can't tell the difference between a 3 and a god damned zero?"

4) Employees of Human Resources have no incentive to perform well in their jobs, since they make all the hiring decisions. If you work in Human Resources and get fired, just come back and apply for your old job in Human Resources, something tells me your connections, and that one-eyed lady who sleeps by the copier whom you made out with at the President's Day Gala, will get you your old job back, you nepotistic ass monkey.

5) Have you noticed the hours these people actually work? I am going to approach my boss tomorrow and be like "Can we close our department for like 6 hours out of a possible 8 hours that we're supposed to be working today, I just don't feel like seeing any people." Would that shit fly? Not in any other job, except the Human Resources Department. Those people work like 6 hours a month. And that's the manager of human resources at Microsoft, that over-worked son of a bitch.

6) Their mistake is your fault. Count on it. If they accidentally forget to pay you one time, just as an example compeltely out of the blue, it's probably because it's your job to make sure the people in Human Resources don't make mistakes, which is difficult since it's hard to figure out what they're supposed to be doing down there, aside from playing Bejeweled for 7 hours online against their cousin in Arkansas.

As you can see, I don't think a whole hell of a lot about the human resources department, and this has been a constant theme during my employment. In talking with people about this, I am finding this to be a universal truth, much like drinking 4 Jaeger-bombs will help you to see the universal truth about why Luigi from Super Mario Brothers should run for President with Wario as his running mate.


CowboyLaw said...

Donkey fluffer? I hear Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud pulling up outside........

Miles. said...

Dude, Lance Bass is gay? Who saw that coming!?!