Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Who's your Daddy?

You can probably gather from some of the previous posts on this blog, that we're not going to win any awards for being "Child-friendly". No endorsement from Parent's magazine shall be forthcoming.

Regardless of our previous position, Ryan the Angry Midget is going to be a Dad. If that's not scary, I am not sure anything would be. While having a kid really only means that you had sex, telling people that you're going to be a parent changes their entire perception of you. I have compiled a list of the some of the things people say that are annoying and how you should respond if you find yourself in this position:

1) What are you having? I probably get asked this by every single annoying person that figures out that my wife's baby bump is not liver cancer. We chose not to find out the gender, mostly because neither one of us felt strongly about finding out. What we didn't realize is that there is no middle ground here. People are disappointed in you if you find out or if you don't find out. Therefore, the best answer to this question is: a baby, you fucking idiot! My wife perfected another response that I thought was particularly clever: "I hope it's a white baby, because otherwise it'll be pretty awkward.". Saying "Puppies!" also creeps people out.

2) What names do you have picked out? This question is particularly annoying when you don't know the gender. People don't ask this because they are curious. They ask this because they want to share their opinion about the names you've picked out. NEWS FLASH: I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK I SHOULD NAME MY KID! I've made a list of names, mostly awful, biblical or both, that I use to respond in this situation. Judas. Adolf. Herman. Mavis. Another option that gives the gift of annoyance right back is to just say the name of the person that asks you. People stop asking when you do this.

3) Is your wife going to quit her job to stay home with the baby? I hate this question a lot simply because the only people who ask it are those assholes that think the only way you can be a decent parent is by physically being with your kid all the time. And it's unfairly applied to women. You would never hear anyone ask this about a father. My response is typically that my wife will continue to work so that my children can grow up to appreciate the fact that women are intelligent and can contribute more than their breast milk to society.

And this, my friends, is only the tip of the most obnoxious iceberg you'll ever encounter. At times I feel as though I am wearing a t-shirt that says "I want your opinion on parenting." But I can promise you, I don't at all.


leptodactylous said...

So, you obviously had an amazingly wonderful time at the baby shower today, huh?

HCP said...

Here is a tip: be prepared to punch out women that feel, because they once had a child bearing vagina(now run dry), that they can just walk up to your wife/partner/sperm receptacle in any given place and begin feeling around on her stomach. "Oh, I can feel it kick," and "He/she/it feels really big in there." I am more than sure that the woman carrying the child is well aware of any of these nuggets of info in gross detail and appreciates being reminded that they are 50lbs heavier than when they started 8 months ago.
One more gem: be prepared to field questions about stretch marks. Did/Is she getting them? Are they really genetically inherited from your mother, and what kinds of ointment/oils/or potions are you using to try and keep them away? All I know is that you should use whatever the fuck Cindy McCain puts on her face.

Good Luck,

Lord Bling said...

Two words:

Falcon Punch.

HCP said...

I would be careful because old women are tenacious. I would say at the very least a forearm shiver, or leave no doubt and just Patrick Swayze Roadhouse kick them to the face.
I took my daughter to the Greeley Octoberfest and some random woman wanted to take a bunch of pictures with her. People are weird. Sorry to freak you out Midget. Good luck.


Lord Bling said...

Falcon Punch: I do not think it means what you think it means...

HCP said...

I gotcha. I see where you are going with this. Quite frankly, it scares the shit out of me, but is not lost in it's hilarity.


Lord Bling said...

Politically, I consider myself a moderate progressive. However, on this topic, I'm VERY liberal, if you know what I mean.


kimke said...

Actually, when I ask, i really want to know what you want to name the baby. I KNOW you don't care what i want to name the baby. Been there done that. And being someone who didn't name their child till day 3, i can sympathize. Maybe you can name it after the Pope.