Thursday, December 02, 2004

Ryan's Guide to Finding an Apartment

How to find a great apartment. Taco Bell always offers such great advice.

Obviously, finding an apartment is a key part of moving, unless you're a homeless person. As far as homeless people go, the following guide to finding an apartment won't probably be much help. Until the Bush administration realizes that the homeless problem in the US is a reflection of their lack of funding for mental health services and treating the war on drugs as a crime issue, rather than a health issue, all we can do the help the homeless is to volunteer and make donations to organizations that support the homeless.

The guide is simple, unlike those websites like this one or this one. This method is much more scientific. You rate the apartment in question based on a points system, where points are awarded or taken away based on amenities and features. This system has always worked well for me. 100 points is the perfect aparment. Less than 20 points means that you should seriously question your safety and happiness if you sign a lease.

- Proximity to Taco Bell
- Apartment is inside a Taco Bell - +25 points
- Taco Bell is visible from the premises - +10 points
- The city where the apartment is located has a Taco Bell - 0 points
- No Taco Bell in your city - (-10) points ( I would consider a different city)

- Proximity to Bars/Pubs
- Apartment is located in Ireland - + 20 points
- Bar located within stumbling distance - + 10 points
- Bar located within $5 cab fare of apartment - +5 points
- Apartment is in Utah - (-25 points)

Welcome to Ryan's new apartment

- Other location considerations
- Located at a ski resort- + 20 points
- Located in Texas - (-10) points
- Located on or near train tracks - (-10) points
- Located near a school - (-10) points
- Located near a college campus - +10 points

- Amenities
- Heat - + 1 point
- Heat Paid - + 3 points
- Water - +1 points
- Water Paid - + 3 points
- Washer/Dryer - +3 points
- Dishwasher - +3 points
- Whores - + 5 points (per Whore)
- Fireplace - + 3 points
- Kegerator- + 5 points

I hope this helps you to find your next apartment. This can also be adapted if you're looking for a home.

No comments: