Bin Laden's Statement and Bush's Response

"Your missile defense programs are useless against my army of flying monkeys!"

This week was marked by a couple of disappointing items that show the direction that we're going in to combat terrorism and ensure our overall safety and security.

Based on his statements released on an Islamic website, Osama Bin Laden is at it again. We no longer have to fear Iraq's devastating military power, which would have undoubtedly devastated the entire planet with the precursors for chemical and biological weapons that the Reagan Administration sold them during the 1980's, but the guy who actually attacked our county and continues to encourage his followers to take one for the team, is somehow still alive. And we're still in Iraq, but Bin Laden is likely somewhere in Afghanistan. This is wrong on many levels, but most obviously on a Geographical level.

Additionally, a test this week of Bush's resurrected missile defense program (we'll call it Reagan-stein or Franken-penis) revealed that the defensive missiles we would use to shoot down ICBMs (Inter-Continental Ballistic Missiles - not incredibly cold bowel movements) didn't even get off the ground. I'm no missile designer, but isn't the most fundamental concept of a missile its ability to leave the ground via propulsion? During the test (launched from ominously named Ronald Reagan Test Site), the interceptor missile didn't even leave the ground because of what the Department of Defense quickly identified as an "unknown anomaly." Something tells me that a lack of thrust was to blame, but again, I'm just a midget scientist, not an engineer.

I can't wait for that memo from the Bush Administration: North Korea launched a nuclear attack destroying the entire West Coast, but the $928 million missile defense system we built back in '04 (Remember '04, when education and health care were in crisis, our borders and nuclear power plants were susceptible to terrorist attacks, and we had a spiraling budget deficit that threatened to collapse the economy) didn't even get off the ground because of an "unknown anomaly". We might as well have spent the money on coke and whores, but now the guys at Boeing get to do that.

And you would think that this report would force the Bush Administration to think twice about spending so much money on something that has never been shown to actually work. Nope. In keeping with his image of unwavering poor judgment and steadfast stupidity, President Bush thinks spending almost a billion dollars is needed for our defense against ICBMs, even as our fighting men and women in Iraq need better armor and more supplies. How is this jackass supporting our troops again?

But, I can definitely see how a missile defense system, particularly one that doesn't actually launch anything at the missiles, would be a huge defensive bonus against terrorist groups. Hell, even the most primitive terrorist organization has access to ICBMs, right? Using missiles to shoot down missiles has never really seemed like the best idea to me, and seems particularly sketchy in light of the current revelations regarding the projectile status of said interceptor missiles. Well, at least we can take comfort in the fact that our President is incredibly persistent. Hooray for persistence. A note to those who voted for Bush because of this persistence: Persistence is only a good thing when you make the right decision.