Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Memory Makers

For a very long time, I have had an idea for a business. Some people have called it brilliant, others unethical or disgusting, but either way I think I'm on to something. Dead grandparents are a huge problem in this country. And, frankly, the problem is only going to get worse as the average age people have children increases, and the likelihood decreases that old grandma and grandpa are still going to be alive when kids graduate from college, get married and have other similarly important life events. Grandparents are supposed to be there for those kind of events.

When my wife and I got married almost 2 years ago, for example, none of our grandparents were alive to participate. I only had one grandparent alive when I graduated from high school. Aside from what this means for me genetically in terms of longevity, the other depressing part was not having our grandparents there to celebrate with us.

Which got me thinking: All over the country, we have thousands of elderly people who live in maximum security nursing homes for people with Alzheimer's Disease. Many of these people rarely get to have a night out on the town. Why couldn't their lack of ability to create new memories be a benefit to those of us without living grandparents.

Here's the business part: You're getting married, graduate, you don't have living grandparents. You call my company, Memory Makers. We rent you:
1) An elderly person or couple to act as your grandparent(s) during your event.
2) We provide costumes and accessories.
3) A gift that you select prior to the event.
4) We provide a security escort who we call "Uncle Bob from Toledo", who supervises your stand-in during the event to prevent "incidents".
5) We also spend a week before the event briefing your substitute relatives about who they "really" are, in order to enhance the authenticity of the experience.

I know what you're thinking: "Why didn't I think of this?" Probably because you're not completely insane and ethically challenged, as I am.

People's reactions when I have told them about this range from laughter to outrage. Most people think I'm kidding. Those who understand that I'm not kidding obviously have some ethical objection to "using" Alzheimer's patients as substitute relatives for the deceased. To those naysayers, I reply that people probably had ethical objections to automobiles (think of all the trees and animals we'll have to destroy for all those roads!), personal computers (think of all the pornography and subpar political commentary people will have access to!) and even the DVD (think of all those obsolete VHS tapes!). Those ideas turned out just fine.

Watch for Memory Makers coming soon to your city!

3 comments:

Lord Bling said...

Consider me a primary investor.

CowBoyLaw said...

Uh, I think I see a flaw. We're using Altzheimers patients, and here's the final step in your plan:

5) We also spend a week before the event briefing your substitute relatives about who they "really" are, in order to enhance the authenticity of the experience

ALTZHEIMERS PATIENTS HAVE SHITTY MEMORIES. THAT'S WHAT MAKES THEM ALTZHEIMERS PATIENTS.

See? Problems. Leave it to a lawyer to find some problem in an otherwise workable business model.

Lord Bling said...

Consider me no longer a primary investor.