Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Things I've learned from Being Married

If there's one thing I constantly get questions about from people who read this site, it's about my marriage. YOU'RE married? What are you married to? Who in the hell would marry someone like you? These are all questions that I have received. I can assure you that I am married to a real human woman, without valves to inflate her. She's intelligent and incredibly attractive. And I have no idea how I ended up being lucky enough to be married to her.

If you read this website, you know what my personality is like. Physically, it's much worse in person than it seems over the internet. And yet somehow, I have been married for almost two whole years. And she does at least a semi-decent job of pretending to be happy, although this may be related to our dogs. I can't be 100% sure on that.

Because so many people are in awe that someone would marry me, I thought I would share some of the important things I have learned about marriage:

Communication is the DEVIL - Marriage counselors and therapists will cringe about this fact, but if there's one thing I've learned about being married, it's that communication can completely ruin your day and any chances you might have of having sex with your spouse. I have found the best strategy is to ignore most of what your spouse says, with the exception of issues which are absolutely essential for survival, such as food, water, shelter, sex and beer.

Find someone smarter, better looking, and more motivated than your are - In my case, the candidate pool of ladies that met this criterion was quite large. Despite that fact, marrying up, as some have described it, is the only way to go. You need someone with the intellectual capacity to solve the jigsaw puzzle with lots of missing and warped pieces that is you.

Wives hate video games - When my wife and I were dating many years ago, she actually purchased a PS2 for me. Nowadays, she gets annoyed that I am trying to take Indiana State to the Rose Bowl for an entire weekend on NCAA Football 06 or try to beat Halo 2 on Deity. Maybe he distaste for video games because I suggested that we use Fight Night 2 Boxing as a medium to settle our most difficult arguments? Who knows.

No amount of housework will satisfy the beast...I mean wife - When I lived alone, I did only enough housekeeping to ensure that the Health Department or Housing Authority wouldn't show up to condemn my apartment. I do slightly more than that now, but I think all married men will agree that no matter how much work you do around the house, that amount will not be sufficient to save you from your wife's scorn and dismay. As a result, make a list of everything that you do, and when she starts in on how lazy you are, start reading it at the top.

Find your wife a hobby - Most of my male friends have no shortage of hobbies. Video games, golf, drinking beer, watching sports, working on cars, and the list could go on for years. For whatever reason, women have a hell of a time finding ways to waste time. I like the idea of Roller Derby or brewing beer as two possible hobbies for my wife. Consider ideas like these that will merge your interests together (watching sports and drinking beer, in this case).

I am sure those of you who are married or similarly committed can add to the list as well.


CowBoyLaw said...

If some girl tried to tell me what to do, I'd be like, "Hey, why don't you stop dressing me up like a mailman and making me dance for you while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know on my dad's bed."

Lord Bling said...

Ryan's still married?

Matt W said...

It's taken YEARS of pleading with my wife and throwing everything at her for her to finally pick up a hobby or two. Since then, life is much better. Considering my two hobbies are always expensive (home theater gear and martial arts), when she asks about buying that $200 sewing machine I just smile and say "VISA or Mastercard", knowing she can't say no to my Matt Hughes seminar in June : ) I love the game, and sometimes, just sometimes, the game loves me back...

Matt W said...

By the way, I'd like to pick "The Crow" just for his name, not to mention his elbows. However, he's a Tae Kwon Do black belt and will want to prove he can throw with Rich, a notorious stand up guy, and won't get the chance to go to the ground that long. The only way he wins is if he puts ego aside and sticks with a takedown gameplan. Evan Tanner tried that and it was too late(see his face from that UFC to prove it). I'll also say that if GSP vs Penn goes to the judges, "Rush" has it. If it ends earlier, Penn by submission in Round 2.

Miles said...

I tried to get my wife to pick up a hobby, like say, cleaning. But that is like hoping for you all not to be ghey.
Now she is pregnant, so there goes all my hobbies, too.
Everything they tell you when you are young is a complete farce. Sex whenever you want it? Farce. You can still hang out with your buddies? I won't care about all your past whore/hookup/ex's? Nope.
It took me buying Lego Star Wars to get her to like ONE video game.
At least I get free access to boobies.