Sunday, August 17, 2008

Baseball and Border Patrol

So I'm watching the Cubs / Marlins baseball game on WGN, and I see an ad on the outfield wall for recruitment into the Border Patrol. Granted, it was in Florida, but still, I thought it was a little odd to see at a ballpark. It's in not only one, but two separate spots on the outfield wall (just outside the foul poles in left and right field). My Cubs weren't doing too well, so I thought I'd kill some time and go check out the website.

First off, we're greeted with enormous pictures of a black man and two Hispanics. Apparently, these large and imposing pictures are meant to cause panic (Sorry HCP, but I couldn't resist). Then, beneath these huge craniums is some jingoism about who they're wanting to hire. They want people who value freedom, but know there is a price. What is that price? A buck-oh-five? Then it says, "You want to put on the uniform and serve your country." THE uniform? People working at Taco Bell put on uniforms too, and they have more style than these:

I'm sure some marketing schmuck at Crayola would argue with me about this, but I'm sorry, those are BROWN. Is it Mexican camouflage? And tell me the overall design of this uniform doesn't look a little .... well, shall we say 'historic?'

Okay, maybe I'm stretching just a little. But none of this could've prepared me for what was hiding in the top right corner of the site:

Apparently, the Border Patrol is looking to hire an additional 6,000 jackbooted thugs ... ERRRR, 'Agents' by the end of 2008. And where better to look for the ideal 'Agent' than NASCAR? They even sponsored a car. I guess when you're trying to fill 6,000 extra positions, handing out flyers at Klan rallies isn't gonna cut the mustard. They're also actively encouraging women and minorities to join. Basically, they don't care what color or gender you are. If you like to beat up brown people, THIS is the job for you!

It also says that 'Agents' can make up to $70,000 annually by their third year. Well, good golly gee willikers. When I weigh the pros and cons of a new occupation, the first question I always ask myself is, 'Self, how much money will you be making in three years?' So, I have a proposal for one of our friends. The Angry Midget has a couple of years left of college before he can join the work force, so I'm suggesting that he skip those last two years and start contributing to society now. Besides, Ryan, do you really want to spend the next two years working on some boring thesis, or do you wanna start cracking some skulls today?

The U.S. Border Patrol. We Treat You Like a King!

1 comment:

HCP said...

I think that one in the front is my cousin?! (Insert "aren't you all related," joke here.)