Saturday, August 30, 2008

Harriet Myers ... Katherine Harris ... Sarah Palin?

I know this is technically yesterday's news, but I'm still scratching my head at who John McCain chose for his running mate. Plus, it's taken me a full day just to dig through all of the 'gifts' she's going to give the Democrats in the next two months. But, we now know one of two things is going to happen: Either we're going to have the first black President, or the first female Vice President. It's gonna be a wild ride to the finish, that's for sure.

So, Sarah Palin. Let's take a closer look, shall we? She won the Miss Wasilla (Alaska) beauty contest in 1984. She came in second in the Miss Alaska beauty contest that same year, but she won 'Miss Congeniality.'


With her second-place finish, she won a college scholarship, so she attended the University of Idaho, where she received a BA in Journalism, with a minor in Political Science. After briefly working as a sportscaster for the local Anchorage newscasts, she won a seat on the Wasilla City Council, and served from 1992 to 1996. She became the Mayor of Wasilla from 1996 to 2006. Currently, she's the Governor of Alaska, and has held the position for the last 20 months.

Now, before I go into her beliefs and recent history, let's point out the obvious. Wasilla has a population of about 8,000 people. Alaska has about 670,000 people. Here she is in a photo op with some of them, fresh off of the filming of a Snickers commercial:


Other than the recent off-shore drilling issue, and the Exxon Valdez crash, Alaska is as isolated as any US state can be, both physically and politically. You have to make a concerted effort to get there without going through another country (maybe that counts as foreign policy experience, but I digress). Oh, and Alaska also had that whole 'Bridge to Nowhere' thing that got them some press, but I'll touch on that in a second.

So, let's look at the facts about Sarah Palin. She's a creationist. That's right. Creationism. A belief that has been proven wrong by the existence of dinosaur bones and Carbon-14 testing, but continues on, like neo-Nazis denying that the Holocaust ever happened.

She's 'as pro-life as any candidate can be,' and opposes abortion even in cases of rape or incest. In fact, she's so anti-choice that she carried a Down's Syndrome baby to term. I know that topic will be considered off-limits by most people, but I'd at least like to point out the dangers of having children past the age of 40:


She voted for the 1998 state constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage (it passed).

She supports off-shore drilling in Alaska, and her husband is an oilman. Coincidence? She even attacked McCain earlier this year for his 'close-mindedness on ANWR.' However, like Obama, she supports windfall taxes on oil profits, while her running mate has staunchly opposed them. She also recently praised Obama's energy plan.

She originally supported the famed 'Bridge to Nowhere'.

She is currently under investigation for a firing scandal in her office. Guilty or innocent, it's not exactly the best timing.

She's a NRA Life Member, and is an avid hunter. Do we need another executive hunting accident waiting to happen?

She mispronounced the word 'nuclear' in her VP acceptance speech. Jesus H. Christ people, ENOUGH.


A month ago, she asked on national TV, 'What is it exactly that a VP does every day?'



I get that she was being sarcastic, but that doesn't change how she came off in the interview. Biden is going to take her lunch money in the VP debate. She might even make us all forget about Admiral Stockdale in 1992. Some on the right are saying that Biden will come off as being mean to her in that debate, but I think that's the only hope they have. I don't care who you are. If you're trying to be the President or Vice President of this country, you've gotta be tough when others challenge you. Kerry and Edwards weren't tough enough in 2004, and we all know where that got them. This isn't a beauty pageant. It's national politics placed firmly under the world's microscope, and the world doesn't hand out awards for congeniality.

Finally, I'd just like to point out that McCain destroyed his strongest talking point against Obama (his young age and inexperience) by choosing a running mate who's even younger and less experienced. Did he really think that he can sway any undecided Hillary supporters by bringing a woman onto his campaign? Palin thanked Hillary Clinton and Geraldine Ferraro in her VP acceptance speech, but both of those women are very politically experienced, and are very pro-women's rights. Palin's voting record and history shows that she's no champion of women's rights whatsoever. She's only a woman because she has the plumbing.

P.S. I know that some of you are thinking, 'But she's a MILF!' because you saw this picture:


So let me paint another picture for you: She's popped FIVE kids out of that thing.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

F.oxtrot U.incorn C.harlie K.ilo



So here we are once again!! Another fucking year gone by, and guess what, it's time for the Rocky Mountain Showdown. Now I understand that I am the only person on this website that probably gives two shits about this game, but I'm fucking pumped up for the ass kicking that my Rams are going to give the Buffs this Sunday. I'm so excited that I'm going to grill up some buffalo burgers just to celebrate while I watch the ass pounding that will ensue. GO RAMS!!!!

-ps: In an effort to fully disclose, I'm sure that this will be a tight game all the way to the end, and I am also fully aware that I have left my self completely open for ridicule after the game; however if you can't show love for your team, who can you show love for? At least I'm not a Kansas Shitty Queefs fan, right?

At this very moment you are a male human being

I haven't posted much lately, but work has kept me traveling quite a bit this past month. I'll get a real update on here at some point this weekend. But in the meantime, I thought I'd post something I know most of you will appreciate.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Baseball and Border Patrol

So I'm watching the Cubs / Marlins baseball game on WGN, and I see an ad on the outfield wall for recruitment into the Border Patrol. Granted, it was in Florida, but still, I thought it was a little odd to see at a ballpark. It's in not only one, but two separate spots on the outfield wall (just outside the foul poles in left and right field). My Cubs weren't doing too well, so I thought I'd kill some time and go check out the website.


First off, we're greeted with enormous pictures of a black man and two Hispanics. Apparently, these large and imposing pictures are meant to cause panic (Sorry HCP, but I couldn't resist). Then, beneath these huge craniums is some jingoism about who they're wanting to hire. They want people who value freedom, but know there is a price. What is that price? A buck-oh-five? Then it says, "You want to put on the uniform and serve your country." THE uniform? People working at Taco Bell put on uniforms too, and they have more style than these:


I'm sure some marketing schmuck at Crayola would argue with me about this, but I'm sorry, those are BROWN. Is it Mexican camouflage? And tell me the overall design of this uniform doesn't look a little .... well, shall we say 'historic?'


Okay, maybe I'm stretching just a little. But none of this could've prepared me for what was hiding in the top right corner of the site:


Apparently, the Border Patrol is looking to hire an additional 6,000 jackbooted thugs ... ERRRR, 'Agents' by the end of 2008. And where better to look for the ideal 'Agent' than NASCAR? They even sponsored a car. I guess when you're trying to fill 6,000 extra positions, handing out flyers at Klan rallies isn't gonna cut the mustard. They're also actively encouraging women and minorities to join. Basically, they don't care what color or gender you are. If you like to beat up brown people, THIS is the job for you!

It also says that 'Agents' can make up to $70,000 annually by their third year. Well, good golly gee willikers. When I weigh the pros and cons of a new occupation, the first question I always ask myself is, 'Self, how much money will you be making in three years?' So, I have a proposal for one of our friends. The Angry Midget has a couple of years left of college before he can join the work force, so I'm suggesting that he skip those last two years and start contributing to society now. Besides, Ryan, do you really want to spend the next two years working on some boring thesis, or do you wanna start cracking some skulls today?

The U.S. Border Patrol. We Treat You Like a King!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Hispanic Causin' Panic?


Step 1: Click link.
Step 2: Put your junk in that box.
Step 3: ?????
Step 4: PROFIT!

Swimming must be REALLY easy, Michael Phelps



I don't know what you do for a living, but with all the Olympic hype about Michael Phelps lately, I've been thinking about taking up a career in swimming. If one guy can win 11 gold medals over two Olympics, the competition must not be that strong. Maybe what Michael Phelps needs, aside from cosmetic surgery on his ears, is some competition.

I like to swim, although I've never tried to do it quickly. I've done a lot of swimming in my life, though. For example, there was a summer a few years ago where all I did was sit in a swimming pool and drink beer for about 3 months. I'm basically like a fish, only I'm human. I might have to shave my chest afro to reduce drag, but how much more would it mean if I won a gold medal WITHOUT shaving my chest hair?

Watch out Michael Phelps. Next time you throw on your Speedo and head out to the pool, watch for the Angry Midget. I'll be the hairy one swimming in front of you the whole way.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Lord Bling????

1)Click title.
2)Laugh ass off.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Rain delayed...

Why the fuck do we in America continue to let the craziest among us lead the way? This guy is no Einstein, and as far as I can tell, he just gets paid to run around and be a douche bag at different events around the country. If you "You Tube" this sap, he has about 100 different PSA's that add nothing to public discourse except divisiveness and hatred. I understand our first amendment right to say whatever dangles off the end of our tongues, but sweet Christ there are people that listen to this fuck!! Anyways, here's the video. I'll let you decide who's the crazy person in this ad.
I say, "let it rain bitches because the hammer is about to fall!"