Friday, March 04, 2005

New York Felon Released from Incarceration, Plans to make Quiche

FYI - The current topic at World Debate is Social Security Reform. Feel free to stop by and watch me bring the pain to the right.

Over the past 5 months, things haven't been the same. My dinner guests seem bored with my entree choices, my floral arrangements seem dull and colorless, even my centerpieces have lost their flare. The reason, however, is not because Martha Stewart has been incarcerated. It's because I have no style, I can't cook, and I don't decorate a damned thing, unless you count hanging neon beer signs as a decoration. Martha has had remarkably little influence on my life, even less so since she's been in jail.

However, as a married man, Martha's indirect influence on me through my wife and subsequently, my wallet, makes her Public Enemy #1 in my book. Why is this woman, who is a threat to investors, the stock market, securities regulations, her assistants, and my hard-earned money allowed to walk free?

The media has even softened the terms that they are using to describe her parole. Instead of being under house arrest, Martha is under home confinement. Instead of jail, the big house, prison, or that place where I was anally raped at 3:00 pm sharp every day, the media refers to Martha's stay at a federal women's Camp in West Virginia.

If I can tell you one thing, Martha didn't just go to camp. Camping involves a tent, 10 cases of beer, and a fire. I've never been on a camping trip where people couldn't go home, someone brought a shiv, or there was a large dyke named Steve eyeing me all the time, but maybe I'm camping with the wrong people. Martha was in jail. I'm sure her publicist came up with that clever diversion, like people don't know the difference. Publicists are apparently a bunch of assholes, who think the general public is too stupid to know the difference between Women's Day Camp and Ass Rape Prison.

Here is a money quote from the article cited above (my comments, as always in parentheses):

During her time at the federal women's camp (JAIL) in Alderson (The backwoods of West Virginia), Stewart (white collar criminal) foraged for dandelions and other wild greens (marijuana), concocted recipes in a microwave (Little Juan Burritos- Extra Cheese) and even ate from a vending machine (That's what they call the big bitches in jail). She also participated in nightly yoga classes (getting beat down by "vending machines"), spent time on crafts (making license plates) and writing (hate mail to her attorney) and lost weight (from using Methamphetamines).

Now that Martha has been released, she's going to attempt to save her business empire, hopefully without repeatedly violating securities regulations and then lying about it to a federal grand jury. If Martha learned anything during her short run in the slammer, she's certainly learned it's time to hire a different stock broker, perhaps even a former Enron employee.

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