Top O' The Morning to Ya

Happy St. Patrick's Day! If there's one day of the year when it's great to be a midget, aside from when they're casting for Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, it's today. It doesn't hurt that aside from a horny wandering Scotsman 16 generations ago, I'm nearly full-blooded Irish. Furthermore, how can you not enjoy a day where drinking excessively is a requirement. We need more holidays where drinking is part of the tradition, not just something we'll cry about years later in therapy. If I didn't have to work today and tomorrow, it might be the best day of the year. Regardless, I fully intend to be drunk at work tomorrow morning.

One discussion that I'm tired of already, that inevitably happens this time of year, is that people who haven't inherited their short stature and alcoholism from a long line of Irish Rogues say things like "I'm German. I'm not supposed to celebrate St. Patrick's Day." or "It's a holiday where Irish people get drunk, not Swedes."

Let me make one thing entirely clear. You don't have to be Irish to get drunk and sleep with an unsavory skank on St. Patty's Day. I'm not Mexican, but I eat more Mexican food than Pancho Villa ever did. I still celebrate Cinco De Mayo, and drink Negro Modelo and Pacifico. People who make ethnic excuses to avoid having a good time need to get half of their teeth knocked out, while some fat drunk guy sings "Whiskey, You're the Devil" and plays the fiddle.

Last time I went to Clancy's Pub, they weren't doing DNA bloodline evaluations to determine if you were really Irish. Irish people don't care. We just want to drink, get into a fist fight, and drink some more. Have a safe and happy St. Patrick's Day, and may the luck of the Irish be with you every day of the year!