Monday, January 23, 2006

Donkeys made to look like Jackasses

The Steelers make Jake Plummer stick his hand down his pants and then smell it.

The time has come to recognize a beautiful reality: the Donkeys lost. While I am sure the Midget is crying in his beer as we speak, let us reflect back on a game in which the Steelers not only beat Denver, but made Denver call them daddy.

1. Welcome back, Jake!

If there is one truism in football, it’s that players, in times of stress, always revert back to their roots. Any fan out there who thinks Michael Vick is going to become a prolific passer is in for a disappointment. When the blitz comes, Vick is going to run upfield because that’s who he is. On the flip side, you don’t seen Bret Favre running upfield very often. I’m not making a value judgment here (although I could), I’m just saying that, in the crunch, players default back to their basic makeup. Jake Plummer’s basic makeup is that of an interception-throwing, butter-fingered hack. Even in the Patriots game, Jake’s QB rating was only 78.5. Now, his Sunday rating of 66.3 makes that look like a career game, but generally people don’t brag when they throw as many INTs as TDs (that would be the Pats game again. On Sunday, Jake managed to really upend that apple cart). Once Jake recovers from the mandatory beard shaving and delousing that will once again make him resemble a member of the sapiens species, Jake is going to have to look in the mirror and remember that his primary skill is handing the ball off and getting out of the way.

2. Defense wins championships.

As much fun as it has been to watch my team, KC, roll up yards and points on the offensive side of the ball, watching KC has also confirmed what most football pundits like to preach: defense wins championships. Ordinarily, Denver’s defense is decent. But fans Sunday were reminded of why Denver has a pass defense ranked 29th in the league. And CB Domonique Foxworth (doesn’t anyone know how to spell anymore?) was turned into some kind of mystical automatic first-down generating device. For the Steelers, I mean.

3. Mike Shanahan has won 1 playoff game without John Elway.

Now, I hate John Elway with the red hot passion of a thousand suns (see below). But I will give him this: he’s a decent QB. Mike Shanahan was blessed with both Elway and Terrell Davis during his pina colada years with the Donkeys. People thought the Donkeys success was due to Sha-na-na, but recent history makes a strong case that Donna Shalala is no better at coaching now than he was when he went 8-12 with the Oakland Raiders in 1988 and 89.

4. Why I hate the Donkeys so darn much.

All this vitriol would be unseemly coming from someone who didn’t have a good really good reason to hate the Donkeys passionately. Thankfully, I do have a reason. Like virtually all kids growing up in Southeast Wyoming, I was a Broncos fan. Denver was the closest city to my house and the only city I had any familiarity with. So, naturally, I was a Donkey’s fan. Remember, this is back in the days of the bright-orange prison suit uniforms and the ridiculous D with Donkey logo on the helmet. Then came 1987, 1988 and 1990. In 1987 and 1988, Denver went to the Super Bowl favored to win. I bought a little Donkeys pennant on a stick, poured myself a tall glass of Pepsi and a full bowl of Nacho Cheese Doritos (Now Even Cheesier!), and settled back to watch my heroes kick a little ass and bring some pride back to the hometown. And what I got was to watch John Elway tighten up so much you couldn’t pull a greased needle out of his butthole with a tractor. Two years in a row, the Donkeys choked it away, once to a guy who was coaching high school football about 2 years after dismantling the Donkeys (yes, that would be Doug Williams). When 1990 rolled around, even I could see that the 49ers were going to win the game. And so, to the ongoing dismay of my parents and drunken midgets around the world, I listened to XXIV in the back of my parents Blazer driving back from skiing in Colorado and I rooted for the 49ers. And what was my reward? Why, only the most one-sided Super Bowl in the history of Super Bowls. Yes, once again, the Donkeys choked like Little Miss Muffet at a….well, you can finish that analogy. But this time, I felt fine. Good, actually. Because I was rooting against them. And it felt good. So, I continued to root against them every chance I got. And, with the exception of exactly 2 years, I was well-rewarded.

So, in conclusion, let me just add: P3wned!!111!!1

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