Thursday, January 19, 2006

Fans of The Arcade Fire are a bunch of pretentious assholes

I went to a party the other night with some friends after watching some football, and had an experience that I've had probably a million times in my life. At least a million. And each time the collective pain of all those annoying experiences climbs up my esophagus into the back of my throat, or maybe that's just what happens when I drink too much beer. Either way, it seriously pisses me off.

Back when Mister Bling and I were in college, in a little cow town we'll call Greeley, Colorado, 'cause that's where we were, we worked at a retail store that sold music, video, books, software, and tons of pornography. The pornography was mostly because the magazine guy was a total pervert, but I digress. When you work in this environment, customers, particularly young hipster types, will come in and ask if you've heard of a particular band.

It always starts something like this:
"Dude, have you ever heard of the band EVE OF DESTRUCTION?"
or my personal favorite-
"I am looking for this CD by this completely unknown band that you'll probably have to special order for me because no one has EVER heard of them. They're called METALLICA!"

Hipster-type people all like to think that they are among the original fans for their favorite band. It's one of the many annoying traits of people who think that because they listen to shitty music and wear old clothes that makes them cooler than you are. You'll see how this all plays out. Just be patient, I'm setting up my story with background information here.

Back to this party I was telling you about, it was a small gathering of people who I am somewhat acquainted with (because I've been drunk around them before), but none of these people are in my cell phone and even if they were, I would never ever call them. But, they had good beer ( O'Dell's 90 Schilling), which can make up for a lot of annoying shit.

When my friend and I arrived at this apartment, the entire place smelled like a combination of cat piss and marijuana. I never saw any cats at this place, neither. I did see four or five hipster-type people sitting on a couch looking as if they had either just been to the eye doctor and had their eyes dialated (at 9:15 pm on a Sunday night) or smoked 7 pounds of ganja. You do the math.

After a couple beers, I couldn't help but notice that these people were listening to some crappy music. No amount of chemical alteration could make this crap sound better, so naturally, I was like "This shit sucks." I didn't ask who the band was, because I didn't want to know. Hipsters don't like to hear that their music sucks. It's like telling a Republican that they have liberal ideas or telling a hand model her fingers look stumpy, it's an attack on their identity, but I was in no condition to do this kind of analysis at the time.

I proceeded to learn that the band is called The Arcade Fire, and the sonic ass raping that I was receiving was called Funeral. It reminded me of what you would play at your funeral, if you thought that only people you hated were going to show up, just to punish them for being bastards. Otherwise, this album is a complete waste of time and playing it, a waste of electricity.

This didn't stop these people from comparing The Arcade Fire to Led Zepplin. If you've heard Led Zep and The Arcade Fire, no explanation is required to demonstrate how ridiculous this idea is. For those of you who missed out on one or the other let me just say that Cannibal Corpse and the Gaither Gospel Group have more in common than Zepplin and this douche-a-rific band, whose name obviously comes from a story involving the Frogger machine overheating.

Take my advice, stay away from this band and people that listen to them.

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