Friday, December 22, 2006

Female Teachers: Make Your Students Folkheros

It seems like we've gone down this road before, but repeated searches of the Blog seemed to suggest this is uncharted territory. So, here we go.

I want to make a simple statement: as far as I'm concerned, there is absolutely nothing wrong with female teachers having sex with their male students, provided that the student is at least 15 and the age difference between them is no more than 20 years. Now, let's talk about why I'm right.

First, as I think we are all becoming aware, this is way more common than most people want to admit. You can check out this link for a Who's Who Among Slutty Female Teachers. As you review the list, you will note one thing: a number of these teachers are relatively hot. Where were all the hot, 20-something female teachers who wanted to screw teenage boys back when I was going to HS? You will also note that a number of these teachers got in trouble simply for performing oral sex. Let me make something quite clear: the only thing a hot female teacher who gives a BJ to one of her students deserves is a medal. Not jail time. How can we call ourselves a first-world nation when we are locking up hot women who's only crime was to fellate a grateful teenager?

People who argue against this sort of thing generally push two relatively lame arguments. I will address each in turn.

1. Male teachers who have sex with their female students go to prison, so we need to be fair and do the same to female teachers.

Now, I will admit that I think that male teachers who sex up their female (or male) students should indeed go to the pokey. But the reason is more complicated than you may think. All the men reading this who have reached a certain age and are comfortable with themselves should have realized by now that if they were dropped back in HS, they could get more ass than a bike seat. Teenagers are incredibly clumsy, uncomfortable, unsure, anxious idiots. If I could keep my charming wit and add Lord Bling's mediocre good looks, I could bag absolutely anyone I went to HS with. That's the nature of the game. It'd be like letting the Jacksonville Jaguars play against a prep high shool team. It really doesn't matter that the Jags aren't that good, they're good enough and they're up against an opponent who simply isn't equipped to deal with them. And that's why teenage girls are off-limits to older men: we really are capable of charming their cute little panties off and then having our disgusting way with them. In comparison, there is little that any teenage boy wants more than to have someone touch his quivering dong. So, I'm not worried about some smooth-talking woman teacher charming a guy's pants off, because no charm needs to be involved. Any woman who is not hag-like can go up to any teenage guy, look him square in the eye, and say "Let's go back to my place and fuck for a few days," and the guy will go into a zombie-like trance and follow her home.

The basic problem with this argument is that it assumes that we need to treat men and women identically. We don't; we need only treat them fairly. Indeed, the law has always said that it is fair to draw distinctions between men and women so long as those distinctions are based on legitimate biological differences and not mere stereotypes. For example, every men's restroom has a urinal. No women's restrooms have urinals. We are not treating the sexes identically, but we are treating each sex fairly. Same thing here. There is a fundamental biological difference between teenage boys and teenage girls: teenage boys will willingly have sex with anything that walks upright. We need to recognize this difference, and legislate accordingly.

2. Teenage boys lack the maturity to give meaningful consent to sex.

This argument lies at the heart of the problem, because the idea behind age of consent laws is that, until a certain age, people lack the capacity to give informed consent to have sex. The problem is that anyone who thinks a 15-year-old guy lacks the capacity to give informed conset to have sex is, no pun intended, fucking nuts. 15-year-old guys think about sex 95% of their waking lives. I think that the proper age of consent for men should be 15. From 15 on, rock on.

Frankly, I think that's also about the right age for consent for women. But, to some people, that's going to seem low. So, let's use 16. At 16, we as a society have determined that a woman is sufficiently mature to slide behind the wheel of her dad's Lincoln Navigator, blow down the freeway going 90, penetrate a family driving a Toyota Prius, and kill 4 people. You can't be old enough to endanger my life and yet to young to consent to bumping uglies. Thus, I suggest this slogan: "If she's old enough to kill, she's old enough to thrill." I fully realize that several other slogans already exist on this topic, many of which set the trigger date much younger. It is because of the effectiveness of these slogans that I think we need one of our own for this initiative.

Finally, everyone needs to recognize one simple truth: a teenage guy who nails a hot (or even average-looking) teacher is going to be remembered for years as a legend in his school. Band geeks will make up songs about him. He will be worshipped by half the male population of the school. Is this guy really the victim of a crime? A crime whose punishment, frequently, is several years in prison? I think not.

So, here's to you Ms. Hot Teacher Who Nails Teenage Boys. You're doing God's work.

Oh, and Merry Christmas!

2 comments:

Ryan the Angry Midget said...

My only object to this post is your contention that "a number of these teachers are relatively hot." Don't get me wrong, there are some smoking ladies on that list (Carrie McCandliss and Debra LaFave, as examples). But, if you click on some of the links you've got some downright HAGS. Adrianne Hockett, for example. Ugh.

CowboyLaw needs to email me his phone number, as my cell phone died, and with it all hope of contacting him or GPAmy.

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