Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Calling all 12-year-old boys and tapeworm sufferers

Okay, so observe Exhibit 1: Lindsay Lohan on GQ's cover a few years ago. Go ahead, take it in. Study it. You know you want to. Now, let's observe Exhibit 2:

This is a picture of the self-same Lindsay Lohan, taken in the last year. Now, take a second and compare the two pictures. Having done so, allow me to pose this question: why would anyone who looks like the person in Exhibit 1 ever want to look like the person in Exhibit 2? And, realize, it takes ACTUAL AFFIRMATIVE EFFORT to make the transition from Person 1 to Person 2. No one would ever accuse Person 1 of being overweight. Check out the abs on Lindsay 1. We can safely say that Lindsay 1 would fit anyone's definition of a thin, fit person. So we can also safely say that the only way to eliminate the roughly 20 pounds that separates Lindsay 1 from Lindsay 2 is through a diet consisting mostly of smoking cigarettes and licking stamps.
Now, no one is going to accuse CowboyLaw of being dangerously thin. And this probably affects my perception of other people. But I am certainly not the first person to say that women in this country are starting to get a little too skeletal for my tastes. I am, however, the first person who's going to definitively explain why this is. And the answer is simple: the reason we have so many women who look like 12-year-old boys or tapeworm sufferers is that gay men have been running women's fashion for too long.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of gay guys. They're nice, friendly, polite, and throw absolutely bitchin' parties. I'm pro-gay marriage , pro-gay equal rights, and pro-gay adoption. The only way I could be more pro-gay is if I started dating a guy. But this simple truth needs to be recognized (if you'll forgive a sweeping generalization that I believe is 95% accurare): gay men have no use for breasts and hips. They do not consider them asthetically pleasing. And so the gay guys who run women's fashion do not design runway clothes that fit or look good on women who have breasts or hips. And, due to some crazy logic I've never understood, popular culture is actually influenced by runway fashion.
I propose the following solution: gay men will be slowly phased-out of women's clothing design, and replaced by normal men and women who have normal perceptions and ideas regarding what women should actually look like. This is a national emergency, people: smokin' hot women are in short supply as it is, and if prompt action is not taken, they may disappear entirely, like what happened to rational Republicans in the last 7 years. The time for action is NOW!


Lord Bling said...

There are holes in your logic:

1. There have been eating disorders long before gay men started 'running' the fashion industry.

2. Gay men respect breasts and hips. It's the vagina that they dislike.

Now, I agree completely that Exhibit 1 was much more attractive (as 99.9% of men will attest), and I would love it if the fashion industry would respond accordingly to the tastes of the common man. However, even if they did, they still cannot successfully combat the marketing machines of major American corporations that tell women on an hourly basis that they're fat.

CampBlood said...

Exibit 1 is much more attractive. I'm gay & I like breast & hips just fine, but I only like vaginas for performing scientific experiments and demonstrations.

Plus, Lindsay has been known to dabble in the crack... I mean some kind of drugs, which would explain the change in appearance. Didn't she check into Promises lateley???

As far as the fashion, you would not want me to dress your women... They'd look all Ed Gein meets Picasso...

Lord Bling said...

'Scientific experiments and demonstrations' ... yeah, maybe. If your name is Patrick Bateman! :)

And don't lie. You'd dress all your models in grey shirts and hockey masks.

CampBlood said...

Damn... You got me pegged, Bling...

CowboyLaw said...

According to popular reports, LL UnCool J does indeed like teh crack. And teh hero!n, and biker-grade meth, and pretty much every other such substance. But I think you're confusing cause and effect. A full generation of models has learned that the key to keeping a sub-100 weight is smoking cigarettes and chasing the dragon on a regular basis. These people don't look messed up because they're on drugs; they're on drugs because that helps them continue to look messed up (or "beautiful," if your name is Dieter).

ptg said...

I've studied the pictures very closely. After some reflection and an hour or two of researching other relevant pictures on the internet, I have to say you are absolutely correct on all counts.

That junkie, strung out, fraught with disorders look isn't at all appealing.

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