Sunday, December 14, 2008

Republicans and Pot

I am breaking my long silence (okay, you call it laziness, I call it a sabbatical) on this blog to make a point that I bet has never occurred to you: Republicans ought to be overwhelmingly in favor of legalizing marijuana. You disagree with me, dontcha? Fine. Watch how quickly I can change your mind.

The one common thread that runs through the GOP is a love of naked capitalism. Unfettered by pesky environmental regulations, labor laws, minimum wages, mandatory benefits, ad infinitum. Republicans' number one wish list item is for the cost of production of everything to be absolutely as low as possible. And they're pretty much okay with doing whatever it takes to shave a couple of cents off of the production price. Labor in Pakistan is cheaper? Relocate the factory. Treating the runoff is expensive? Dump it in the lake. No one wants your radioactive garbage? Bury it outside the plant.

Running a close second to Republicans' soul-consuming desire to inflate their bottom lines is a desire not to have to deal with non-white people. Most Republicans just find it....uncomfortable to have to deal closely with people who don't share their lily-white background. Not to say they're racist (well, many of them are, but that's not the point), they just....prefer the company of other very white people.

Go a little further down the Republican wish list, and you find their frustration with most customer service interactions they have with members of the general public. Frankly, that's why they spend so much time shopping at Sharper Image and Coach and that one store in the mall where you can't even afford a belt: it's not that rich people enjoy being overcharged for cashmere slippers, but every time they go to Target they end up having to talk loudly and slowly to the cashier, who just doesn't understand that they don't have anything smaller than a $100-bill, and it's not their fault that Target doesn't accept AmEx Black. Why, oh why (Republicans think) can't these stores just hire help that's literate, speaks English, and has some manners?

Thus, in the Republican version of heaven, wages for employees are ultra-low (to keep production costs down), and yet all employees are white and college-educated. And, my friends, there is only one way to achieve that: legalize marijuana. How many college-educated white guys and gals do you know who work in shitty retail-type jobs for damn near minimum wage? Okay, now how many of them don't regularly smoke a big fat bowl of weed? Exactly: none.

And there it is, boys and girls. Republicans need to legalize marijuana to ensure the ready availability of their perfect workforce: an army of white college grads willing to work for very little.

Told you I'd convince you.

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