6-0

The Bronco train just keeps rolling. Even with those fuck-ugly 'throwback' uniforms (or as I'm calling them, 'throwup'), Denver looked tough on the road last night against San Diego. One thing they needed to improve upon after a close win against New England last week was the special teams. I'd say they made some adjustments:





Now, I'm not saying they're gonna run the table or anything foolish like that, but it's looking like we should take the division this year. It may be the AFC Worst, but the playoffs are the playoffs. And I'll also say that like all of the 'football experts', I didn't believe they would be this good. I mean, c'mon. Elvis Dumervil, a fourth-round pick in 2006, now leads the league with ten sacks in six games. TEN. That's some Tecmo Super Bowl shit right there. The only question right now is, 'Will the Broncos be good enough to beat a top-tier team, like the Steelers or Colts?' We'll find out the answer to both before this season is over.

On another note, let me say that I HATE Stuart Scott. Hate him. He's not funny, and he never was. 'As cool as the other side of the pillow?' Sounds like an outtake from 'Kids Say the Darnedest Things'. 'Boo-yah?' Is that the sound that football pitching machine made when it drilled you in the face?


Thanks to The Miles for the Photoshop inspiration.

By the way, congratulations to the Kansas City Chiefs, who finally won a game this year. Although by doing so, they might have blown their chance at the only prize they could feasibly win this year (the number-one pick in the 2010 Draft). They still have a shot though, since Detroit also only has one win, and Oakland now has two wins.

Video of the Week -- I needed a good laugh

I needed a good laugh today, and this video did the trick.

Sunday Ramblings: Limbaugh agrees with the Taliban

This blog is almost five years old, and to my knowledge, not once have I ever written about Rush Limbaugh. The Midge brought him up once back in November of 2004, before the training wheels were off the site. That's saying something, because The Midge still has training wheels on his bike. Those things are TALL. But enough about midgets trying to ride grown-up toys. I think it's time to break my anti-Limbaugh streak. Apparently, he doesn't think Obama deserved the Nobel Peace Prize:

"Our president is a worldwide joke. Folks, do you realize something has happened here that we all agree with the Taliban and Iran about and that is he doesn't deserve the award. Now that's hilarious, that I'm on the same side of something with the Taliban."

'We all agree with the Taliban'. Wow, I didn't know you spoke for all people. Or maybe you only speak for all insanely-out-of-touch neo-conservatives, like Bill Kristol?

Anyone who's ever spent five minutes reading a political article on The Guardian or any other major international news website could tell you that our current president is respected in other countries for being courageous enough to reach out and communicate with nations that the previous administration only wagged a finger at from behind a podium. Does that mean he deserves the Nobel Peace Prize? I'm not wise enough to say who does and who doesn't, which is more than I can say for 'pundits' who don't read international press, like Bill Kristol.

So why, after all this time, am I giving the racist, pill-popping hypocrite space on this site today? I think Sun Tzu said it best:

"If you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles."

P.S. If this is too much politics for you this morning, then here's a link you might appreciate: Guy Ritchie called Madonna 'retarded'. I know, right? Funny.

P.P.S. Back to politics. I don't think this deserves a separate post, but I wanted to mention that Dennis Miller recently said that Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity are so far to the right that they're 'off-road', but where did he say this? On The O'Reilly Factor, of course.



Share your thoughts about Madonna in the comments below...

Video of the Week -- The Mag Seven

This week, the new album from surf-rock instrumentalists The Mag Seven was released. They had a song on the first Skate video game from EA, and you could also unlock a t-shirt with their band logo on it. This new album is a lot more mellow than their previous punk-inspired stuff, but I also think this is their best album yet.


Here they are live, from a recent performance in Dallas. This song isn't on the new album, but it's similar in style:



To hear more, check out some samples on the Amazon page. I think a lot of you will like it. It's not like anything else out there right now.

P.S. In the interest of full disclosure, the bass player and guitar player are both good friends of mine. They're also broke, so buy the album already ya cheap bastards!

Best of the Worst?

Good morning. I thought I'd stop by the site to post this (courtesy of ESPN.com):



Being in first in the AFC West is kinda like winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics, but since we all like to talk our football smack here, consider this the first volley. And if being first in the AFC West is like winning the Special Olympics, what does it say to be in last?

I have no delusions of grandeur. My earlier prediction of a 4-12 season still could come true, especially with the brutal schedule through the next two months. But the defense has allowed an NFL-low 26 points through four games. Dallas was the first true test, and they passed.

In other news, there's still a professional football team in Kansas City. However, there is no word if NFL football is still being played there. Stay tuned for more details...

Kill Your TV

I don't want to sound like a bad 80s standup comic, but what the fuck is wrong with TV? Allow me to present two columns of TV shows:

Futurama_______________________King of Queens
Family Guy______________________Everybody Loves Raymond
Robot Chicken____________________The Bill Engval Show
Mad Men_______________________ Gossip Girl
Code Monkeys____________________Two and a Half Men

[BTW, why don't they have Cntrl+Tab functionality in this text editor?]
[BTBTW, why won't this recognize spaces? Why must it fight me? Why must it make my beautiful two-column presentation so ugly? Why must my life be so filled with tiny hardships and aggrevations that make me want to murder people?]

One column is full of innovative, funny, cutting edge shows. The other column contains shows that actually suck the soul out of your body, shatter it with the soul equivalent of a crab cracker, and suck the soul-marrow out of it while making wet chittering noises like the Old Gods. One column contains shows that have been produced steadily for several years. The other column contains exclusively shows that either have been cancelled or that have been on the cusp of cancellation one or more times.

No need to belabor the point, I know you follow me. But, knowing that, follow this reasoning for a second:

1. the readers of this blog are all smart and somewhat sophisticated;
2. we are not utterly alone in this universe, i.e., there ARE other smart people in the country;
3. all of us work for a living;
4. it is possible for large corporations to pay us aboveground swimming pools fully of cash to help them make smart decisions;
5. all TV is made by large corporations;
6. and yet, America's Next Top Model is on, like, season 14 or some shit like that.

Did you see how, at the end, reasoning grabbed the wheel of its 1979 Cadillac El Dorado and swerved it off a cliff and into the shark-infested waters below? Did anyone else find this strange?

And don't give me all that P. T. Barnum "nobody ever lost money underestimating the intelligence of the average American" crap either. Because the #1 problem for network television is that their market share has shrunk EVERY SINGLE YEAR, for over a decade. Remember, when The Daily Show first started saying it was broadcast from World News Headquarters, they were KIDDING. Does anyone even bat an eye at that claim anymore? This falling viewership costs them tons of money, so don't pretend they don't care.

And so, here is the reality that logic inescapably leads us to:

1. Network TV viewership is dropping faster than knickers in a Catholic rectory;
2. This has been true for over a decade;
3. This costs the large corporations who run network TV dumptruck loads of the very money their executives need to fuel their coke and whores addiction;
4. Over the last decade, network TV has, if anything, become even more vapid and despicable;
5. This has done nothing to stem the tide of disgusted viewers fleeing network TV like rats leaving an infected-needle-rusty-spoon-rum-fueled-rape-ship;
6. Indeed, the decline has intensified every year;
7. But yet, network TV continues to get worse.

Sherlock Holmes said that, once you eliminate the impossible, the remainder, however unlikely, is the truth. It cannot be that networks don't care. It cannot be that networks are incapable of hiring people who understand the points raised herein. It cannot be that networks are unable to actually put on good shows, because they occasionally do. The only remaining explanation, therefore, is that network TV executives operate on the same principles that governed Star Trek: The Next Generation, Episode 1-24 ["Conspiracy"]. For those of you too lazy to click, I can summarize thusly: aliens have replaced all major executive, and run the networks for their own creepy, insect-eating purposes.

In closing, you may disagree with my conclusion, but you MUST admit that my conclusion is JUST AS REASONABLE as any other explanation.

Video of the Week -- The dopest rapper of all time

Words can't really describe this, but I'll try: It's a cross between Asian Karaoke Man and the Werewolf Poetry Slam?



The debate that I'm having with Lady Bling (not her real name) is whether or not this is real. I think he's really trying to be a rapper, and she thinks it's a put-on. Either way, I'd like someone to add subtitles to it. Chime in with your thoughts in the comment section...

P.S. Thanks to the Felonious Yard Gnome for sending the video along.


EDIT -- I found this kid's SoundClick page! Tons of other songs, and they're all just as terrible.
SECOND EDIT -- He must've gotten tired of people laughing at him, because he set his SoundClick profile to private. No big deal. I downloaded all of his 13 free tracks, and they're just as good as this one. And by 'good', I mean god-awful.

I Hate Hippies

So, it's all well and good to say you hate hippies. It's like taking on Nazis, Commies, or Bush II. It's like drowning a crippled newborn puppy. But the thing of it is, you people don't have to live in a city run by hippies. I do. And it sux0r. Some examples:

1. Pot laws. So, it's pretty much totally legal to toke up wherever and whenever you want here in The City. I see bike messengers spark up IN FRONT OF cops. No one cares. Naturally, YOU think this is awesome, and envision the great parties you and your friends with throw, with giant Bob Marley spliffs stuffed with the finest hydroponic being passed back and forth while everyone has a few drinks and a very good time. What you're not thinking about is the fact that the stripper who lives on the third floor of your building will light up when she comes home from work (2:30 a.m.) and turn the lightwell that your bathroom window opens up on into a giant smoke chamber. You, who has a normal job, left the bathroom window open in order to get a breeze through your bedroom, and now you awaken to the smell of Mexican Ditchweed, and need to get your tired ass up, close the window, stumble back to bed, and pass back out. Oh, and all those jobs that you and your friends joked would be pretty bearable if only you could do it stoned? Yeah, everyone who has that job in The City DOES IT stoned. And, while it may be fun to BE the stoned waiter, stoned barrista, stoned Best Buy clerk, etc., it turns out that it is NOT fun to DEAL WITH the stoned waiter, barrista, etc.

2. Street Shitting. People in The City constantly remind you: "it's not illegal to be homeless." They are not amused when you reply "not yet, anyway." Even absent a significant shift in the law, the fact remains that while the status of homelessness is not itself a crime, shitting on my doorstep is a crime, breaking the light over my door so that you can sleep there without being bother by the light is a crime, and breaking your 40 oz. Steel Reserve bottle in front of my breezeway door is a crime. You can spot denizens of cities run by hippies because they have the most mundane vigilante fantasies imaginable. They dream of donning all black, and smashing the hands of graffiti artists with baseball bats. Of making drunk hipsters clean up the pee they just splashed on your garage door----using their tongues. Of making the hobo carry the crap he so carefully laid at your doorstep the extra 5 feet over to the curb, where it won't really bother anyone----also using their tongue. Of picking up the dog poop that douchnozzle decided he didn't need to pick up, and then rubbing it into his face and neck. Then putting a plastic doggy bag over his head, knotting the neck shut, and punching him in the nose. These are the crimes that vex us.

3. Involuntary racism. Admittedly, I think this is less a hippies-run-the-city thing, and maybe more specific to The City itself. But I think The City is actually TRYING TO MAKE ME RACIST. For example, every time I see a Honda Accord driving 45 MPH in the left-hand lane of the freeway, with the left blinker on, I say a little prayer (as soon as I get done swearing and hoping for the driver's death): "Please don't let this be an Asian woman please don't let this be an Asian woman, God, dear God, I'm trying so hard, just meet me halfway and don't let this be an Asian woman." I scarcely need to tell you how the story always ends, except to say that, contrary to her promise, it didn't last long time. And I don't think she really loved me, I think it was just a ploy to get my $5. Every time I see a mid-80s conversion van that comes to a complete stop at every stop sign and always signals its turns, I beg with Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ that the van NOT be loaded with 47 Mexicans. I have yet to have that prayer answered. (Maybe, as the late George Carlin suggested, I should start praying to Joe Pesci.)

That's about all I got.

For now.

You don't really understand what socialism is do you, Joe Six Pack?

During the election last year, one of the easiest ways to tell if you were talking to a complete troglodyte was when McCain supporters would throw around accusations that Obama was socialist as matter of fact as if they were saying he is black or cool. Turns out he's black, he's cool, but a socialist he's not. What I thought was simply a baseless attack during the election continues to be repeated like fact, particularly now that we're actually figuring out that having millions of people without health insurance is ridiculously expensive. Health care, even under a program where all of the health care costs are paid by the government, is not socialism. Not even close. To make this statement is to simply provide an example of how little you actually know about socialism or about how to operate Velcro shoes.

Let's walk through the logical fallacy involved with thinking that national health care is equivalent to socialism. It is absolutely true that most socialist governments provide government-funded health care programs. But, providing government health care for all is not the defining characteristic that makes these governments socialist. To believe that because something shares one feature with something else that they are the same thing is idiotic and simplistic, and would lead to a lot of confusion in life. Particularly when you discovered that despite the fact that female humans, badgers, and wolverines all share the characteristic that they have vaginae, but are not equally suitable sexual partners.

It turns out it takes a lot more than providing universal health care for a government to be considered socialist, and having a cool, black President doesn't turn out to be one of them. For one, the government owns and/or regulates all business activities within a socialist country. We're not even close, even with the government bailouts and stimulus packages. If you think the type of regulations we have on business are anywhere close to what they would be under socialism, you probably also believe that Utah and Amsterdam have similar drug enforcement policies. States would not have the freedom to make their own policies and regulations on things like gay marriage and decriminalization of drug use under a true socialist regime. I hope you're starting to appreciate how ridiculous it is to even suggest that we are anywhere close to socialism.

Yeah, I know what today is.

Jesus H. Christ. It's not like anyone could forget what today was. Take one look at the calendar and it jumps out at you. And yet, I go to Facebook and every other person is trying to look all 'reflective' and 'honoring'. 'Look at me! I CARE.' It's as if they all went to Starbucks and got caught in the middle of a moment of silence, and since it ruined their morning, they're 'reflecting' it back to the rest of the world. Just another reason why I don't drink coffee.

I'm not turning on the news, not even for a minute. I remember what happened that day; I don't need to be reminded like I'm a four-year-old. And I certainly don't need to be shown the footage again. It's already seared into my brain.

Of course, this isn't meant to slight anyone specifically. I just hate the self-importance that comes with this date every year. We ALL remember; you don't have to wave it around to get attention. By the way, we still haven't found Osama Bin Laden. Do you remember him? However, even when we do eventually track him down, it won't matter because the damage has been done. The Middle East hates us more now than they ever did before. Electing a black president helped our appearance to other parts of the world, but to most Muslims, we're still 'the problem'.

Our world changed eight years ago today. We all know it. Survivors live it every day. They don't need to be reminded. In a way, we're all survivors, if not physically, then at least psychologically. By 'reflecting' on it, you're not helping anyone, other than yourself to feel like you're doing something. So why don't you actually DO something today. Go outside and play with your kids. Go to a movie. Go shopping. Or, to really prove the terrorists didn't win, drive through a Wendy's in your environment-raping Hummer and order a Baconator.

(Disclaimer: This website is not affiliated with Wendy's or General Motors, nor does it condone raping the environment, or shoving mass amounts of fried pig into your arteries.)

Are you READY for some FOOTBALL

That's right! It's that time of year again. I, for one, cannot wait for the season to start. I look forward to watching my donkeys getting pounded harder week in and week out more than Jenna Jameson on a 5 day meth bender. Not only do we have the second biggest INT machine since Ryan Leaf, but we also have mini Belichick. Upper extremity injuries, cut off sweaters and asshole news conferences. I think he actually spends time thinking of ways to not have his own identity. Thank god my Rams beat the buffs this last weekend, GO RAMS!!! Oh well, this is will be my excuse to get drunk for the next 16+ Sundays because we all know that's the only way we will make it through this season. All I ask is that we beat the Raiders twice and break Philip Rivers 90+ million dollar leg. That would make for a good season.


Over and out,
HCP

Video of the Week -- College football is back (and it brought the LULZ)

Oregon and Boise State. The first college football game of the season! And both are nationally ranked teams too. Also, it's the 'Good Sportsmanship' game, and it started with a ceremonial handshake. Probably just a press stunt, but still...

/a couple of hours later

WHAT THE FUCK?!?



Blount should give Dana White a call. Especially since he won't be a college student much longer. I guess worst case, he can always play for the Miami Hurricanes.

Bling is back (and he brought Bible LULZ)

Somehow, I survived a week of Las Vegas AND Mexico City. Did you miss me?

No?

Okay, so you're mad at me for being gone. Well, maybe I can make up for it by posting THIS:

11 Things The Bible Bans, But You Do Anyway

I love their point about Christians who ignore the Old Testament, but then throw around Leviticus 18:22 as a justification for their homophobia. Can't quote that and wear tattoos or a poly-blend t-shirt.

I found this article by following 'almightygod' on Twitter. Just seeing that 'God' isn't capitalized should tell you enough about His posts.

P.S. I'm not traveling for a couple of weeks, so I'll be back.

What's bugging me?

Excuses are like assholes, I know. But, if I had as many assholes as I do reasons for not updating the site on a regular basis, I'd need the world's best proctologist. I figured since I had a little time today, I'd update you on what's been driving me nuts lately. If I am linked to a homicide, consider these catalysts:

1) People who use the word "delish" to describe food or anything else. Rachel Ray and her legions of followers have taken food snobbery to an entirely new level. I don't dislike Rachel, and I think some of her recipes are quite good, even if they require a list of 80 ingredients that you can only realistically obtain if you work for the Food Network or live in Tuscany. The word "delish" itself is not all that annoying, but the people who routinely refer to everything from French Onion soup at Panera Bread to those inflated corn starch-based packing pellets as "delish" certainly are. You know who you are. Yeah you, the lady fumbling through boxes of Velveeta trying to find your prized parmigiano-reggiano cheese for $800 an ounce.

2) People who don't have jobs or work part-time and complain about how busy they are - People who need to work and don't have jobs because of the economy have plenty to complain about. People who don't have to work or only have to work part-time have nothing to complain about. I'm sure finding 20 hours or less during your busy life of medical dramas and shows where people spend too much money designing rooms for their home that look like shit is killing you. If you are lucky enough to be in this position, I don't want to hear you complain about anything. You have no reason for negativity. Please don't prove that you have no perspective by not recognizing how good you have it.

3) People who compare everything President Obama does to Hitler or Socialism - Using the word "delish" or complaining about how complicated your life is working part-time or not at all certainly make a person look like an idiot. What trumps both of those things in terms of demonstrating stupidity is comparing attempts by the President and Congress to fix a healthcare system that is completely fucked wins the Summer of '09 award for best public demonstration of idiocy. When you say something like "Hitler supported national healthcare" or "Obama's got us on the road to Socialism", the only thing that you're proving is that you don't fully understand Hitler or Socialism or healthcare or how to tie your shoes without velcro. The healthcare proposals that have been suggested by the President and Congress are expensive, and not particularly creative or likely to reduce costs, which is what any decent solution would need to do to be sustainable. These limitations don't make it Socialism or the extermination of Jews. Visit an actual Socialist country or read a book about Hitler. You'll stop saying things that make you look like you are in a special education program.

Video of the Week -- Wall of Death from last weekend's Mayhem Fest

Wow. This is a LOT of idiots:



Moshing? I get that. Running full speed into someone else who's running full speed into you? Not smart. They call it the 'wall of death' for a reason.

It was a great festival though. Saw lots of death metal, bought a cheap Black Dahlia Murder t-shirt (only ten bucks at their merch booth!), laughed at all of the wanna-be goths / Marilyn Manson fans, stayed hydrated with $4.00 bottles of water, and wore out a pair of earplugs.

What sucks now is, I don't have another concert to look forward to until November. The Miles is coming down from Kansas Shitty for this one. Anyone else wanna make the trek?

Omaha Citizen of the Year = Meth Addict

This is what happens when The Angry Midget is allowed to vote for anything:

http://www.ketv.com/news/20431026/detail.html

BTW, I know I said I was gonna post pictures from last Saturday's Mayhem Festival, and I did ... but not here. If you're a friend of mine on Facebook, then you've probably already seen them. If you're not a friend of mine on Facebook, but you read this site, then you're probably not ON Facebook, which sounds like a personal choice / antisocial stance. Good luck with that.

Is the summer over already?

Hey everyone. I'm back from two weeks of work travel, and thought I'd stop by to share some random bitching and introspection.

It seems like I blinked, and it's already mid-August. I'll be at the Mayhem festival tomorrow, which is gonna rule, but it's also going to feel like the last hurrah for the summer. Pretty soon, I'll have to start driving 20 miles an hour through the school zones in my neighborhood again, but the temperature will still be in the high 90's. I don't know about you, but that's just cruel.

So, what did I do this summer? I took vacation on Memorial Day to see friends in Seattle, and that was a lot of fun. A friend came down from Amarillo to hang out with me at the 'Legends of Kung Fu' event, which was a good time. Otherwise, I've been buried in home repairs and work travel:

Electrical issues
Phone / fax machine issues
Pool leak repair
Pool pump repair
Lawnmower repair
Sprinkler system timer replaced (and a valve is still broken as I write this)

It seems unfair to complain about traveling for a job, but when you get four or five hours to yourself out of four or five days of work, it hardly makes it worthwhile. I was in L.A. for the E3 convention, which sounds cool, but I spent almost the entire time at my company's booth, in meetings. People asked me, 'So what was the coolest game you saw at the show?' and I've had to answer, 'I didn't really see anything other than my company's stuff'. Quite a difference from being a buyer, and seeing everything (but no, I'm not in a hurry to become a buyer again). But, I also got into an exclusive DJ Hero party, and got pictures taken with a ton of celebrities, so I guess I can't complain too much.

The same can be said for a recent trip to Mexico. Two days of non-stop meetings, but somewhere in there, I shoehorned in some time at the beach, and I went club hopping in Playa del Carmen on my last night there.

So what's my point to all of this? Enjoy what you have while you have it, and make every minute count. We're not on this earth very long, so try to find a few minutes every day to take for yourself. Even if it's just to step outside and walk around the block to clear your head, don't hesitate. No one on their death bed ever says, 'I wish I'd have done more home repair' or 'I wish I'd have worked more hours'. And if anyone ever did, they're idiots.

P.S. I'll post a few pics from the Mayhem festival this weekend.

Conservative Zombies

I know at least a few contributors to this blog have read the book World War Z, which is why I hope you'll enjoy this post from the blog OpenLeft by David Sirota. For those of you unfortunate souls who haven't read World War Z, it's a science fiction book about the war between zombies and humans. Sirota makes some stellar comparisons to the type of thoughtless, idiotic statements being made by conservatives recently, and how this lack of critical thinking has led to a group of zombie-like followers of people like Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh. Much like zombies, these people don't realize how stupid they look asserting that Barak Obama is not a citizen of the United States or attacking Sirota's (correct) statement that Bush did not win the popular vote in the 2000 Presidential Election. Unlike some issues in politics which can lead reasonable people to disagree (abortion is awesome vs. abortion is murder), issues like whether or not the President is a US citizen and the fact that Bush was only elected because the Supreme Court stopped the recount in Florida are facts that anyone with access to Wikipedia can verify for you. I liked the book, but I like the comparison of this type of behavior to zombies even more. I'm greasing up my chainsaw and sawing the barrel off of my 12-gauge, double-barrel side-by-side just in case this turns out to be more than just an analogy.

VOTW -- new Behemoth video

Did someone say 'good new music?'

Behemoth "Ov Fire And The Void" from Metal Blade Records on Vimeo.

Nightmarish, violent, haunting. I wish more metal bands made videos like this. Behemoth has a new album out this Tuesday, and I'm gonna see them at the Mayhem festival in a week. Can't wait.

EDIT: The version I posted earlier is the 'alternate' (i.e. 'censored') one. I've now updated it with the original, uncensored version. Enjoy!

So rrrrruuuunnnn!!!!

You know something, I saw the Midget's recent request for some good new music and I realized that there isn't any. So for the video of the week, I decided to go a little old school. Enjoy.