Friday, January 28, 2005

New Ideas for Reality TV

First off, I want to heap massive amounts of praise to some of the kick ass comments I have received over the last couple weeks. If you get tired of reading my sophomoric crapola, check out the comments section below each post. They rock.

It seems like you can't have a conversation these days without someone pointing out how much they totally hate Reality TV shows. And yet, some of the highest rated shows every week end up being Reality TV. It's like in college when you said you didn't like that fat girl, and then you ended up sleeping with her repeatedly for like seven semesters. People just need to come to terms with the fact that they love it, and it's Ok to admit it. If we didn't love it so damned much, it would have been cancelled like every single show by a Seinfeld alumni.

To celebrate our collective acceptance of Reality TV, and being adult enough to admit that we enjoy seeing John Gotti's grandkids fist fight each other or watching people eat milkshakes made of donkey shit, I have compiled a list of suggestions for new Reality TV shows to keep everyone happy.

Real World: Sunni Triangle / Road Rules: Afghanistan: These two MTV staples have proven that there is no shortage of whiney, anorexic skanks or chest-waxing, meathead douchebags in this country. Nothing would be more enjoyable than seeing those Snotty McPoopypants contestants dodging bullets, being taken hostage, and pissing their pants. No more private confessionals about how the world doesn't understand where your spoiled, suburban asses are coming from. Welcome to reality for thousands of kids your age who are fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Fear Factor: PETA Edition: This version of the show would combine two things that I would enjoy watching: Self-righteous dietary moralists being forced to eat disgusting crap and falling down a lot. We'll see how much they love the animals after they have to ride a pig into a giant lake of shit.

Bush's Next Top Director of Homeland Security: Twelve of the hottest Presidential ass-kissers in America will battle it out through airport security, border patrol and real terrorist attacks to find out who will be the next top Director of Homeland Security. (Contestants will be screened to ensure that they didn't employ illegal aliens or help John Ashcroft write "When Eagles Soar up my gaping asshole.")

Survivor: I know, I know, it's not what you're thinking. I was thinking that a different type of show that could use the same name as the hit series could feature Dick Cheney and his cardiologist. See Dick and his team of heart specialists tackle issues regarding Dick's treatment and care including how many still-beating orphan hearts can Dick's doctors attempt to transplant to keep Dick's ticker ticking and keep hope alive for more no bid contracts for Haliburton, Corp?

Remember you heard about it here first.


Anonymous said...

Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, you skipped my favorite! Mark Burnett and CBS haven't been daring enough yet to try this one:

Survivor: North Dakota (best pronounced with a heavy Fargo-like accent: "Nort Dakoootah"). The premise: in an attempt to placate the parental concerns about indecency on TV, Mark Burnett Productions takes his next rag-tag bunch of castoffs to the wilds of Nort Dakotah in early January. They are stranded with only the clothes they packed thinking they were going to Jamaica and therefore must wear everything in their suitcases.

Some reward challenges (yes, Survivor fan here):
1. ice fishing -- you get to eat all that you can catch (this would be more fun to watch BEFORE they got fire)
2. eat the oddly colored snow/ice -- every Survivor episode has a barf-inducing challenge
3. beer chugging -- afterall, when in Rome...
4. build the best snow fort/igloo/shelter for the tribe to live in -- be sure to sign your names in the snow of the completed "building"

Some immunity challenges:
1. broomball -- probably best for immunity at the team level, not for the individual level immunity competition
2. licking the lighpost -- who can cope with having their tongue stuck to the lightpost for the longest?
3. polar bear plunge -- who can last the longest in the lake without becoming comatose?
4. after the beer chugging, snowmobile racing -- again, when in Rome...

Now, I'll grant that some of the fun will be gone from the show in that y'all won't be able to watch a bunch of weirdos parade about in dirty bikinis and whine about how hungry they are. Instead, all of us from the northern climes will get to laugh hysterically at how a bunch of wannabe actors are dealing with cold weather, deer hunters, and windburns.

goat porn amy

Lord Bling said...

Hey Amy ..... I did all of that for the first 18 years of my life. Where's my million dollars????

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bling-

Clearly you are a man ahead of the times and thus are robbed of the glory and monetary power you so richly deserve. Such is the life of visionaries....they die penniless, unrecognized, and in the loony bin rotting of syphillis or rabies. Only after their typically untimely demise do the commoners realize the talent and the vision that was wasted and discarded like a used condom after sodomizing an innocent sheep.

The moral children: don't turn out like poor Mr. Bling. Patent every idea you have (follow the directions in the commercial on Comedy Central), and you can make a fortune. Also, use proper precautions to protect your visionary self from getting VD. Then you too can rule the world like Mark Burnett.


Lord Bling said...

Discarded like a used condom? Yeah, that about sums it up.....