Friday, January 14, 2005

Whatever happened to Justin Guarini?

Former American Idol loser Justin Guarini made news in Detroit on Thursday. Click here for the full story. As if I needed another reason to hate American Idol. Let's see:

1) They stole the idea from Star Search. I have a lot of ideas for TV shows: California Motorcycle Cops, A talking car driven by David Hasselhoff, and a creepy old white guy that adopts two lovable black kids, one of which is a midget. Sound familiar? Don't be suprised if they're all part of Fox's Spring Television Line-up.

2) The contestants are annoying. Maybe it's just because their parents rode them like John and Patsy Ramsey, parents of Jon Benet Ramsey. Maybe it's because they spent their high school years (those few glorious years when it's not illegal to date high school girls) in a dark basement practicing voice excercises with Celine Dion's creepy old husband. Whatever the reason, you put these kids in front of a live studio audience and it's about as much fun as babysitting your schizophrenic uncle.

3) The judges are morons. Letting Paula Abdul judge a music contest is like having Dan Quayle judge a spelling bee or having President Bush oversee an ethics committee. Simon is only a judge because he's a dick. He probably listens to Zamfir or Yanni, which hardly qualifies him to tell people their rendition of Celine Dion, which sounds like crap when Celine Dion sings it, sounds like crap.

4) The resulting music is garbage. This is like the 5th or 6th season of American Idol, and what do we have to show for it? Clay Aiken, Kelly Clarkson, Ruben "Cypress Hill" Studdard? I thought to purpose of the show was to discover talent? All we've managed to do so far is discover that a large percentage of America has incredibly poor taste in music.

If you're looking for something to watch on TV, at least don't encourage the production of super-commericalized donkey poop.

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