Monday, April 17, 2006

The Angry Midget Diet

Dr. Phil thinks you're too fat because you're crazy.
Nowadays, it seems like every jackass with a one hour syndicated TV show has a diet. Obesity is, after all, a huge problem, no pun intended. So there are fists full of dollars to be made promoting one's particular approach to shedding pounds. Dr. Phil realized this, and published his book The Ultimate Weight Solution: 7 Keys to Weight Loss Freedom When you consider how much this book is going to completely change your fucking life, the $9.75 price tag seems a paltry sum. Additionally, most programs take 12 steps, Dr. Phil is going to kick your lardy ass into shape in SEVEN. Take that Alcoholics Anonymous.

Before I get a flood of emails with "HOW DOES DR. PHIL FUCKING DO IT?" or "ONLY SEVEN STEPS?" in the subject line, let me lay this out for you, because it's so simple, even the 69% of 56 year-olds that are obese in this country could figure it out. Dr. Phil is not doing anything revolutionary here. If you've read The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Porn Stars or 50 Ways to Love Your Liver, you'll see this one coming a mile away. If not, welcome to the world of self-help.

Dr. Phil is not telling you only to eat carbs or not to eat any carbs at all. He's not telling you to lose weight by snorting coke off a hooker's ass (although you will lose a whole lot of weight if you attempt this). Dr. Phil's book addresses the PSYCHOLOGY behind weight loss. You know why South Beach didn't work for you, aside from the fact that you eat a tube of cookie dough before crying yourself to sleep at night? Fat people are crazy. They need psychological help. It's not as simple as eating and excercise, fat people are mentally ill, at least that's the premise of Dr. Phil's diet book.

As an aside, I personally think fat people are wonderful. Without the morbidly obese, there would be no Sumo wrestling, airplane seats would be much narrower, and Mister Bling and I would have been virgins until we were 25. God Bless you all!

Dr. Phil, however, views obesity as pathological, almost like an addiction. How does Dr. Phil know this? Probably because by current standards, standing at 6'4" and weighing in around 240 makes Dr. Phil overweight. Dr. Phil knows how you feel because he is also losing the battle of the bulge. I think rule numero uno of weight loss books is never follow the plan of the guy who is overweight. If this isn't the case, I think Tommy Lasorda and Meatloaf need to come out with diet books. Or Lemmy from Motorhead. Or Ted Nugent. Something tells me Ted's diet would involve meat.

I have a diet plan also, that I think you might enjoy. I don't think if you're overweight you're fat. I think you probably eat too much and don't excercise enough. So here's the deal:

1) There are no bad foods. - I totally stole this one from Weight Watchers, but what the hell. What you need to do is add chili to as many food items as you can. The resulting diarrhea and gastrointestinal swelling will prevent absorbtion of food, and you will lose lots of weight.

2) Drink at every meal. - Did you see Nicholas Cage in the movie, Leaving Las Vegas? That dude was in shape. I will grant you that he died at the end of the movie from drinking too much, but he got to shag Elizabeth Shue on the way, so in my book, that's a draw. We're all going to die, and unless you're on the Elvis Presley diet plan, drinking regularly will help to keep those pounds off.

3) Rent the Faces of Death movies - If you have not seen these movies and you want to lose weight, head to your locally-owned, independentm, mom and pop video store. Like Schindler's Fist or Can I Get Some Tube Steak, Mister Bling can explain why Blockbuster doesn't carry these titles. If you pop one in during dinner, you'll lose weight the same way high school cheerleaders do in half the time.
See how easy that would be?


Lord Bling said...

Mmmmm. Cookie dough.

And by the way, she wasn't fat. She was 'stocky.' There IS a difference.

Hispanic Causin' Panic said...

Holy shit. That may be the best book review in the history of book reviews. Not only to the point but very in depth and heart felt. Keep up the good work. Speaking of attacks by portly women, any one heard from Kerry R. recently?

Lord Bling said...

What up, HCP? You got a website? The link in your name was broken.

Ryan the Angry Midget said...

Man do I love HCP. Bringing out the big guns with Kerry R., again no pun intended, although she had VERY VERY large guns, if I remember correctly. It's hard to forget something that almost suffocated you at one point.

Lord Bling said...

She was pretty cool though, if you can forget about how she was a borderline Midget-Stalker.

H.C.P. said...

I'll give this to her, she's consistent. I don't have my own personal website. I have the headgone site, but the other website was B.S. Did you read what the website was called? I did see Kerry R. not too long ago and the guns have actually become one with the rest of the ship, if you catch my drift.

Lord Bling said...