Tuesday, April 25, 2006

People who write checks have too much time on their hands

Those of you who know me and probably some of you who don't really know me have come to realize that I get pissed off pretty easily. However, if there is one singular thing that completely makes me want to donkey punch someone in the line at the grocery store, it HAS to be people who persist in writing checks. Did you know that there is groundbreaking technology, developed by scientists and used by millions of people every day, that will allow you to take money out of your checking account without having to spend 15 minutes filling out a useless piece of paper? BEHOLD!

Hopefully, you've all heard of this. There is no longer a single excuse for writing a check in a retail store where you could complete your transaction in 1/1000th of the time it takes you to scrawl your John Hancock on a piece of paper with your favorite fucking Mary Englebright cartoons on it.

For one thing, you have to pay the bank to use checks. Yes, you can get free checks, but 99% of the people who annoy me in retail settings have the patriotic eagle checks or the kittens in soft focus checks or the serial killers of the Midwest checks. That means these ass fucks are purchasing these checks, which they KNOW will eventually waste their time. It's like paying someone to knock you down several times a day.

I am sure there are those of you who are concerned about identity theft. Checks MUST be a safer way to prevent identity theft. Anyone can use your Visa of Mastercard check card and buy billions of dollars worth of Mexican donkey porn. This argument is lame because someone can now do the same thing with a copy of a personal check. Also, have you ever heard of check washing? Nice try, wasters 'o my time.

I've also heard people say that they want to have a record of the transaction, but I guess these people never noticed that receipt thingy you get at the very end of any transaction you have anywhere. I'm surprised you don't get a receipt for taking a dump in a public restroom these days. NEXT.

The final and least defensible retort I have heard while heckling these two-toed sloth-like individuals is that writing checks is the way they've done it for so long, that they don't want to change. You know what I say to that crap? We used to ride horses everywhere, lynch black people, and routinely amputate limbs as medical treatment too, but you don't hear hordes of morons standing around in check-out lines saying "I'm just so used to burning black people in effigy, I just can't imagine doing things any other way." Adapt people!


Lord Bling said...

I still write checks to pay a few bills that I have to mail. One of my student loans, the city water bill, and the smaller mortgage payment, all can't be paid online. Otherwise, checks no longer have a reason to exist.

Oh, and here in Tex-ass, they've adapted. They no longer use trees to lynch blacks. They use the back bumpers of their pick-em-up trucks.

Ryan the Angry Midget said...

The bottom line is that if you write a check for those things, I don't have to wait behind you in line. If you want to write checks for bills from the comfort of your own home, then go for it. There is no excuse for checks in the retail setting.

Miles said...

My absolute FAVORITE is the ones who start digging for the checkbook after you've given them their total. That just took a thirty second transaction and turned it into five minutes.
I use about 2 checks a month, all for either bills or delivery pizza, which has been made out about 2 seconds after I've placed the order.
People who use checks regularly watch the Factor religiously and refer to black people as 'black folk.'

H.C.P said...

The pain was never more apparent to me until yesterday when old man winter and his 40/300 vision was trying to write a fucking check for a $3.75 purchase for what seemed to be the better part of 20 minutes. I would have kicked him but I was afraid his pacemaker was going to give out.